2 November 2019 at 11:42 pm #6949
Hello, all, and Velvet,
I haven’t talked to you in a while.
I have filed for divorce and my husband has been refusing to move out. Telling me “You can leave anytime”. Telling me he is not a gambling addict “right now”. And that he isn’t a liar.
I have no family here, have been a work at home mom for the past 16 years, and have been dependent on my husband for money.
He ruined us financially.
It has been bleak.
I haven’t told the kids we are divorcing yet because he refuses to move out. I told him I will tell them when he is ready to move and is moving out. I don’t think it’s fair to stay in the home when he eventually will be out of our home. It will just be confusing if he still lives here.
He has tons of family here who can help him out, but he won’t tell them we are divorcing.
He says he is telling the kids tomorrow with or without me about the divorce and that it’s all my fault because I filed for it. Like he is this innocent victim.
He gambled our entire 401K ruined both of our credit, prioritized his gambling debts over debts spent for the family, blamed all of his gambling issues on me, told his family his gambling is because of me. His brother said if I was his wife he would have divorced me long ago because my husband just tolerates me.
They all have enabled him for many years. He has never faced any consequences for his actions.
I feel that he wants and needs to control everything. He controls all the money and has never given up control. He tells me I’m “so angry” but I’m not. I just tell the truth and don’t allow him to lie anymore.
What can I do? He plans on telling the kids when I haven’t agreed to it.
Anyway, any help is appreciated.5 November 2019 at 10:26 pm #6950
How sorry I am to hear that your problems go on and on – I can hear how devious your husband is and it grieves me; not only has he got a compulsion to gamble but he is an extremely manipulative lawyer who know what button to push.
What ages are your children? Your husband is putting a lot of pain on very young shoulders and if anybody tells them anything, I think it should be you.
He is manipulating you Momo and I can fully understand you wanting to rise to his bait but I hope you will keep your cool with your children and help them understand that a divorce is not a question of their fault or yours, it has become a necessity because you and your husband no longer love one another but that you will always be there for them. In other words, Momo, protect them and let them understand the truth when they are old enough.
I am not a marriage/divorce counsellor; I probably should not be advising you on what to do in this instance but I am a mother and I have been through a divorce when my children were young. I have also worked for a long time in the law and known many lawyers.
Children often see more than we give them credit for, it depends on their ages of course.
You are being treated abysmally and I sincerely hope that you will come out of this dark tunnel very soon.
Please keep posting, I believe in you.
Velvet2 December 2019 at 8:33 pm #6951slimpikenzIIIParticipant
This sound sterrible…I am sorry to hear its happening. Unfortunately I am in the same boat but I am the one like your husband. I have gambled away over half of my 401K and my wife has no idea…I am so sick. It sound slike yoru husband is deseprate to keep things the way they are but doesnt want to seek help. So I also want help and want to tell my wife but am very afraid she will want to leave me. I know what I have been doing is terrible but cannot seem to come to terms with what is happening to me. So, would you have left your husband if he sought help when he was knee deep in his problem…what do I do? Should I tell my wife and just suffer the consequences…my wife does not really love me anyway…uggh…I am so sorry for you and your husband and all of us who get caught up in this shit…really, really sorry.
Stan14 December 2019 at 3:42 am #6952
I am sorry it took me a while to respond. I didnt know if I had a good answer. I would say that being on a forum means that maybe you are willing to really understand what caused your gambling problem. The first thing my husband did was blame me. He still blames His last gambling blow up on not having the right job situation. I am just blown away.
He blames me for the end of our marriage and everything else. I am over it.
I think the fact that you are asking these questions is a good start. I think yes things could have been different if my husband were that person. If he were self reflective and didn’t blame everyone and everything else for his issues.
Today my husband told me he isn’t/wasn’t a liar. That it was not lying when he said he “had 20 dollars and was going to go see how long that would last at the casino”. When he actually would gamble $3,000 in a night. He did that over and over and over and over. I am amazed that in his mind it’s only lying if it was “intentional”. I can’t even understand that logic. I was raised by a simple man who didn’t lie, didn’t cheat, didn’t drink, and didn’t steal from his family.
Had my husband came to me and said he was sorry and that he messed up and messed up BIG, and took his name off of our accounts and handed over control of the finances, maybe then Things may have been different. But, he doubled down and refused to give up any control, take any responsibility , would not accept that it was a huge betrayal, and he let everyone in his family blame me for his financial problems. It’s humiliating to me to think how stupid I was for so long. I allowed someone to completely lie and steal from my kids future. I let that happen on my watch, and that is my biggest regret. I regret trusting the person I married. I regret letting that person make me feel like it was my fault. I let him manipulate me and make me feel like I caused that to happen because I didn’t make enough money Or because my husband had the wrong job. Or because “insert excuse” was happening to him. It’s always about him. I think my gambling husband was and is a narcissist. There is no wrong doing in his mind. It wasn’t intentional and therefore all should just be forgiven. Had there not been significant mental abuse and emotional trauma and financial abuse maybe it would have been differen, but I have no idea because that was my situation. I hope you are good to your wife. If you want help, really get help and realize it isn’t any different than any other addiction. Be kind, don’t be abusive, ask yourself if you really do love your wife.
I think you said she doesn’t love you anyway, and that sounds troubling. I feel like that is possibly a rationalization for your behavior. Maybe you want her attention. Gambling is not the way to do that. If you don’t love each other that is a separate issue. I wish I could be more helpful but this is all I know. I only know what I went through. Being lied to about anything is a big betrayal. I would say put yourself in her shoes and think how you would feel and what you would want. I would have liked to see real remorse and change.
But im over it. Now I get to fight the last battle in court.
I wish You all the best17 December 2019 at 10:56 pm #6953
Your name jumps out at me every time you post. This time you have written to support someone else and in doing so you have told me how strong you have become. I feel you have turned the all-important page and that you are ready to start the next chapter in your life.
I really want you to stop regretting what has gone before, you were not meant to know what your husband was doing, his manipulative addiction would have made him very determined that you should not know – it was ignorance of addiction, not stupidity, that left you so vulnerable. I doubt that there was anything that you could have done, or said, that would have made any difference.
I don’t know if you have ever heard or read the following but it helped me to come to terms with letting go of the past – I hope it helps you
YESTERDAY, TODAY, AND TOMORROW.
There are two days in every week about which we should not worry: two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
One of these days is yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.
The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise or poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.
Tomorrow’s sun will rise, either in splendour or behind a mask of clouds – but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.
This leaves only; one day – TODAY. Any person can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of these two awful eternities yesterday and tomorrow – that we break down. It is not the experience of today that drives people mad – it is the remorse or bitterness of something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring. Let us, therefore, LIVE BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME.
I love when you write ‘I’m over it’ such words put you in control Momo and that’s where you deserve to be.
Speak again soon
Velvet18 December 2019 at 2:21 pm #6954HarrisonMSParticipant
I am sorry for you, this happens sometimes with people that are totally in gambling. My wife tried a lot of ways to make me stop gambling and she finally made me change my mind not to spend the family money. Now she is allowing me to play once in a month, she manages our budget, so she gives me 100$ and I spend them in the casino the way I want. It was hard for me to accept, to let her manage the budget, but I understood, that if I don’t want to lose my family I have to do that. So you should try to talk to him, tell him to let you manage the budget of the family. Try to talk with him and don’t make him angry, this will rise another conflict.
Harrison7 January 2020 at 12:35 am #6955
I have had good days and bad. Lately seems mostly bad.
I will have to go to trial for the divorce. He is fighting me on every little thing. He has made it so that he stays in the same home as me and the kids until either mediation in a month or trial in two to three months.
I have never felt more alone and just sad. I have amazing neighbors and friends in my neighborhood that have prayed for me and helped me with Christmas. My dad is helping with legal bills even though I didn’t have enough money to drive and visit him for the holidays. I feel awful that I haven’t seen my parents since they both had heart surgery. I stayed with them in the hospital, but since then I haven’t seen them.
With my husband and regards to him taking an allowance,
There was no gaining control of our finances from my husband.
He would never just be on an allowance and allow me to have control. I think because he knows that means big gambling would be even harder to hide and he would be done with binge gambling forever if I was in charge of finances. He wouldn’t say that, he just says it’s not a problem for him to quit, even though he has apparently been like this even before I knew him. He has lots of family helping him hide his addiction.
He still takes no responsibility in the choices he made and just blames me for the divorce and says it’s just me not being forgiving.
I am a forgiving person. I just thought my children would be worse off if my husband lost our home because of gambling. I had to make a hard decision and financially separate. I will now have to rebuild my life and make my way in the world and support my children the best way I can. This is not the easy choice. But I cannot trust him. He did nothing to rebuild trust. He could not give up control of the money. And he continued to prioritize his gambling debts over debts of the family.
It’s a long long story. He has been mentally abusive to me and financially abusive to me. If I had a friend in the same situation I would scream at her to LEAVE! I had friends screaming that at me, but I don’t even remember them telling me because I wasn’t ready to hear it.
I have grown stronger and more confident in my choices. But it is still scary and hard.
I pray that my kids will someday know I did this to protect them from the chaos and financial roller coaster.
I don’t think it’s my job to negotiate an amount of gambling that is right for him. I don’t think an addict can truly gamble again and be in recovery, but that’s just my opinion.
Best of luck to anyone that can do that. I try not to judge anyone, but I have lived through a nightmare. I know it’s hard for the addict as well, but I feel like it’s just as hard on those affected that didn’t choose this lifestyle, but have to pay the price.28 January 2020 at 6:00 pm #6956
Your parents don’t deserve this situation, nor do you or your children.
You have a trial ahead of you but you are stronger than his addiction and you have truth on your side. Telling the truth is easier than telling lies so keep pegging away.
Try and avoid the fights, just state the truth and leave it at that – there is no need to enter tit-for-tat arguments with him. Ignore the jibes, that are meant to hurt, rise above it all Momo. You are doing great; your children are lucky to have such a wonderful, brave role model and best friend in their mother.
Do you now have a lawyer on your side that you can trust to do his best and who understands the complexity of your situation?
How I wish I could sit down with you and share time
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