[Claire3]

Hi all. I am glad I found it. Hope I can have a better understanding of everything is happenin. We have three childre and our youngest, 4yrs, is autistic. I was overseas for two months doing an intensive treatment for him. when I came back, In November, last year, my husband and zi were having coffee together and when he opened his wallet I saw a looot of money. I was totally surprised and asked where did it come from. He told me “i went to casino with some friends and I won this money”. I asked how many times it happened before but he told me just once. He went to atm machine to deposit the money and we didn’t talk about it anymore. Before it I could feel he was behaving differently than usual. We have been married for 17 years and I know him. He was more nervous, agitated and treating me worse than he used to. I started noticing he was disappearing in the middle of the night. Sometimes I just assumed he went out to buy some sodas, sometime I messaged him and he  told me was going esrly to his office. He works really hard and he makes a lot of money plus he is the big boss here, where we live. Nobody above him. so around mi oflast December I went to the bank to check all statements and the situation was shocking. Lots of withdrawals in the atm beside one of the two casinos that there are here Withdrawals of 1,5k then at the same night 2k. No doubt, he wass gambling. I didn’t think about it esrlier because our son’s treatment is expensive but we can afford. And he used to tell me the money was going to pay it. I never controlled our finances. After that I found out he wasn’t paying the therapists and asked them to do not tell me, I had a lot on my plate etc. I couldn’t approach him. I know if I did that he would become aggressive and stop talking to me. I got so under of control because three ye ago he made a lot of debts and he used to tell me “honey you never more is going to have any bad surprises about money”. Our intimacy went away. and I was wa for the moment to talk t him. But I became paranoid knowing I couldn’t trust him. He had cheated on me before, he was invited for a girl to talk over drinks and he went. He swear they didn’t have sex but it is much more a matter of trust than anything else. so I was paranoid about women and money, living in a hell and almost every day listening from him “ I promise you will never find anything bad about money or women.” And I knew it wasn’t true about money so women  should be lie as well. I don’t know he used to say it so ma times, maybe to convince himself he was doing nothing wrong. One night we were watching a movie and i exploded just because the way he was interested in the actress. We had a terrible fight and I spit on his shirt. He left home and stayed out overnight. Two weeks after it he told me he loves us and life without us doesn’t make sense. That day he went to ano country for his mother’s birthday. When he came back he messaged me telling he was planning go home but he will need to go to the office. That day he didn’t show up at his office. i checked the hotel bank account and as soon as he arrived at the airport he took 2k, he went to casino and took more 3k. He arroved home and when he opened the door I could see how nervous he was. So I told him that I knew about the gambling and we should talk about it. He disappeared and since then, end of last February he acted like our house was a hotel. It was a big house with seven bedrooms so he moved to one different from mine. Never arrived for dinner anymore, in the weekends stayed out the whole night, came back home to sleep and then woke up and went to casino. He left us alone on Easter, to gamble. When one of our children he told me to f… me with them. Our oldest son attem suicide and he didn’t show up at the police station. I decided to leave him. But he stopped sending any money and i came back to divorce him here where he is and have our rights to be safe. He keeps abandoning the children and they are sufferinf a lot. He doesn’t want to talk to me because the casino “is not the cause, is the consequence and the cause is me”. I am A medical doctor who has been giving up on my own career for ten years to follow him around the world and support his career. He didn’t reply any email, messages nothing. he is avoiding me and I don’t know why. I feel terrible when I hear I am the only gui for his situation. He is now living in a hostel. Lots of debts and I have strong reasons to believe he is stealing money from the company, to gamble. He does not want to go through an amicable divorce since he knows I cannot afford a litigious one. It is everything so painful. I know giving up on my career was my choice and I need to be fine with that and think about w I won instead of what I lost. But I studied a lot to end up this way. my autistic son is not having any treatment. Please any advice and words will be much appreciated.

thank you

claire

[velvet]

Hello Clare

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Clare
I wanted to write quickly to let you know that you have not only been heard but your cry for help is understood completely.
Unfortunately I have guests staying with me until Wednesday so I cannot sit down and write the considered reply your post deserves. I hope that other members will reply to you in the meantime but whatever happens I will reply to you asap.
You are not to blame for your husband’s addiction. He is caught up in a spiral of poor behaviour that is unacceptable. Compulsive gamblers never ask for or want the terrible consequences that come from their placing of bets and they do need the right treatment to control the addiction once it has grown, as is happening with your husband.
I have brought up my thread entitled ‘The F&F Cycle’ which I hope will help you see that what you have described is recognised on this site.
I will write again soon – you are not alone. Well done writing you first post which I know could not have been easy
Velvet

[Claire3]

Thank you very much for your words and support. It means a lot in this world of denial, disappointment, loneliness and feelings of lost. I am sorry I didn’t understand your FF cycle.
I will be waiting for your another message. Take your time. Take care of your house and guests.
I appreciated what you did.
Love
Claire

[Dignetas80]

Reading this is hurting me really really badly how gambling addiction can destroy lives, homes, family & the whole nation if nothing is done now or later! The government is cashing in from all the adverts & new online gambling platforms while we suffer!

[velvet]

Hi Dignetas
I cannot change governments or advertising agencies – what I can do is support those who suffer and that is what this forum is all about. Gambling has been going on forever and we must live with it – it is only the compulsion that causes suffering.

Please start your own thread and hopefully we can alleviate some of your pain
Velvet

[Claire3]

yes, it just turned some lives upside down. My ten years old told me he wish our lives could become rainbow and sunshine again but his father doesn’t love us anymore. I tried to explain that right now he is not being responsible because he is also suffering. But inside of me. OMG, I cannot explain to you. I agree with you about the industry. They don’t care. It is a shame what the wrong desire for money can turn in people to.

xx

claire

[Claire3]

It is so sad put so much effort in describing my situation and just have a couple of people worried in giving me some kind of support. I am sorry to say, I am disappointed.
All the best for everyone in here
Claire

[velvet]

Hi Clare
Forums such as this go up and down – sometimes they are buzzing and other times it is almost as though the addiction has ceased to exist. Sadly, however, it does exist and you and your family are suffering because of it.
I love your ten year olds description of the way life should be – I wish he could have his dream. He is lucky that he has you as his mum ready to help him have the future he deserves.
I wrote ‘the F&F Cycle’ to help members see the pattern of mood swings that goes with the gambling addiction, to hopefully show friends and family how we can easily get caught up in it without understanding what is going on. Once we see the pattern I think it becomes easier to break out – easier but not easy.
Many CGs do struggle with intimacy and this can be due in no small part to the addiction filling their minds leaving no room for the affectionate/physical side of a loving relationship. It is not unknown for the CG to turn to porn or even to stray to fulfil a basic need, without having to be gentle and loving. Unfortunately there is often someone waiting in the wings to offer a shoulder to cry on and/or enablement without making any emotional demands. The gambling addiction is the most demanding of mistresses. What was your husband’s behaviour like before last November – was he a good father was he a loving husband, were you happy?
The ‘cause’ of the problem is not you Clare and when you decide what it is that you want to do I will walk with you for as long as you want me to do so. In my opinion, you should put you and your children first – especially while he is not taking responsibility for them. From reading your posts I can hear that you are a great role model for your children, the rock for them to cling on to.
I believe the way forward for you, certainly in the near future, is that it is best to accept your husband is not going to give his children the support they deserve – he probably didn’t show up at the police station because that would be taking responsibility and he is not prepared to take responsibility for anything or anyone at the moment. Can you reinvigorate your medical career and maybe find support for your autistic son from colleagues? Children will suffer from rejection and the repeated abandonment will be confusing them further. Is your eldest son getting support with his mental health – I was so sorry to read about a young man attempting suicide?
I want so much to support you Clare and I feel my timing is not good for you at all – I am taking a holiday soon for 3 weeks and for the first time, since I began here with GT, I am not taking my lap top with me. I am so sorry.
We have a great Helpline, it is one-to-one and private – please use it if the responses on the forum are slow. My next group is Thursday 30th August between 20.00 – 21.00 hours UK time – it would be really good to ‘meet’ you – nothing said in the group appears on the forum, it is safe and we can be completely open and honest with each other.
Your husband’s behaviour is sadly typical of a gambling addict but I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t know that he could control it with treatment – however as I am sure you appreciate he has to want that treatment. Keep learning about his addiction, it will help you make the right decision for you and your children. In the meantime, for what it is worth, my thoughts are with you and please never lose hope. You are stronger than his addiction.
I hope you are still reading
Velvet

[Claire3]

Dear Velvet

Thank you for your words and advices.
Today he got his monthly salary and he took everything out of the bank and wasn’t in his office. I caught him in the casino gambling at 4:30pm and he told me he is not addicted because he is still playing soccer. No wedding ring. I am devastated to see it. I had a panic attack. It is a nightmare and I need to wake up from it.
Claire

[sandy0309]

I am in the same Situation as Claire  ( and understand what she must be groing thru) and I am totally lost and dont know what to do. My husband always had a drinking problem  ( where he can’t stop once he starts) and on top of that he started some serious gambling ( before it was once in a while). Unfortunately the casino is right in between his work and home. 🙁 When he is sober or lost lot of money he tells me that he is not going to back and he will give all his cards etc.) Silly me, I trust him and support him thinking he will change. He is extremely smart and he works for a company and is in a very good position. There are days when he attends couple meeting from home and leaves in the afternoon and come back next morning at 5:30 or 6:00 AM. Couple time, I went to the parking lot of casino and found his car there. I haven/t confronted him yet. I am worried by doing do so, it will only make things worse as he might stop his car somehwere else and take uber to casino.  He expects me not to say anything. Anythig I say he will blame it on me and the kids and he becomes agressive and I just leave the room without makig a scene.

I have two grils  ( ages 17 and 13). Both know what is happening, 17 thinks he only drinks. He doesnt involve in any of their things and when he is sober he gets what thet want to make them happy, I started to lie to my older daughter stating he came early etc, as she is freaks out and I do not want this to interfere in HS and in her collage search. Once I found two reciepts (This was a while back) where he took 5k and 3k, Since then I have no idea how much he has been taking. He chaged the passwords and I gave no access..Whie I was out of Country, he was leaving both dauthers at home and used to come at 5:30 or so.

He thinks he doesnt have a gambling or drinking problem. With great difficulty, I made his see an addiction doctor and he talked about his depression ( sayimg he has too many things on his plate by mentioning his job position and my health,….which is a crap)  and how its effecting him and which is making him go for drinking, but he doesm/t mention amything about his Gambling.. He does not want me to go wth him to the doctor..He changed three meds for depression taked them for four days)  and saying he can not function with the sideeffects. He says underlying proboem is depression not gambling or drinking, Divorce is not a option for me now as its going to effect my kids futire based on the ages there in. BTW I worled for 20 years and i am SAHM now for health reasons, He gives my health as a reason too,,, as I said he is very manipulative and doctors easily belive him.

Please tell me what I should be doing……As I am writing this he us at casino and tells me he is at a friends place and he is not up for driving, he will come in the morning..

He is elite member and I dont know his pin to log in and check his activities, Nothing is my favour, Dont know if got close with someone there. I did ask him and he laughted over it.

Serouly I am heart broken. He also got DUI ( not for driving but for tresspassing making a scene). he didnt give me the details as usual. I found the citation.

Any suggestions??

Sorry for the long post

[sandy0309]

I also want to add, he looks normal and i look normal and he knows very well, that I dont ask or tell anyone

[Claire3]

Hi, dear. First of all I want to send you a huge hug of compassion and understanding. I want to tell you are not alone, as you can see. I honestly don’t know what to tell you that can give a way in which direction you should follow. I am also lost. I can tell you it is so easy to believe them because we want to. More than that, we need to believe. It is our denial process. Since we accept they are not going to change and it possibly will become worse, so we will find ourselves in a deep pain as soon as we realized we have nothing to do to effectively help the men we love. I believe this is what we both are avoiding. Do you believe that yesterday he got all of his salary and I, in a desperation action, went to casino and found him gambling when he was supposed to be working and after he told me “i am not addicted”, I wanted to believe him. I believe him…. and for some minutes my world became possible to live in again. It was around 4:30. I suggested him to go back to his job. We barely talked about what had just happened. After two hours I was in tears and living the same feeling of desperation, frustration and everything that comes with this addiction. I know the truth. But that few hours that I, for some reason, believed to his words made me feel so happy. I am right now waiting to see a psychologist to learn how to make my decisions alone, to acknowledge my pain and to find my way of letting him go… out of my life. I will write later if you want to. You are strong, but this situation consumes and drains us. Find your way to recover part of your energy. Wish you all the best. Hugs with love,
Claire

[sandy0309]

Thanks a lot Sandy for your kind words. I am looking for a good psycholigist as well  and follow his/her directions. Just as you mentioned I will be on cloud 9 when he says he is going to change and comes home being sober on time. In couple day, all that happiness goes down the drain. He came last night at 3:30 AM. This has been heart wrenching to me as I am also concerned about my daughters who innocently beleive the dad but don’t question him. There are days, where I feel like going into the casino and play as well. Somehow my heart doesnt let me do that.

You think confronting him with the pics ( car in the front of casino) will help me? Next time ( hopefully) if he says he will give the passwords, I will take immediately. In the past, when he said that, I didnt take to  make him feel that I trust him and hoping that will make him change.

Thanks again and hugs to you.

[Claire3]

Dear Sandy
I am not sure if a good psychologist is going to give you any directions to follow but, instead, helping you to make your own decisions. That can take sometime but for sure is going to support you.
I can’t tell if confronting him is going to be good. Instead maybe you should think what you expect from this confrontation? After that you can try to see if showing the pictures is the best way to reach there. From my prospective it will just tell him you have been worrying enough to follow him and he probably need to be more careful but I don’t think it is a good way in trying to change him. I know it is hard, but you cannot make him change. He must wants to. Just you can tell how much suffering and how it is affecting your life and your children. Honestly it is a personal decision but consider that, sometimes, is better split for a while so you can focus on your wellbeing and take a better care of your children than living in a suffering. I understand that it is hard to leave any situation which we are adjusted to. You wish to be happy but are you happy now? So how can you get there? Is it fighting for your marriage and your husband? So go for it. Look for a good psychologist specialized in addiction and use all resources you have. Maybe even loving your husband a lot and tour family you know that relationship can’t bring you happiness anymore. But it is also scary, because it means you will need to make a huge change. And big changes are scary. But they are also necessary in life. I hope I could have helped you.
Love
Claire

[sandy0309]

Thanks Claire!!  As I said, he is seeing a doctor but doesnt take meds and dont think he is even telling the truth to the doc. When he met the doc past wednesday, he got a new prescription, he took it ony two evenings.

He went to Casino, late Friday afternoon and at 9:30 PM( by then i am sure he must have had enough drinks), he texts and says, thats how he is going to be and I can leave if I want to and some other crap and came home at 3:30. All day yesterday and today he has been sleeping. I am so heart broken ( my kids are out of town and my 17 year old texts me every evening asking if Dad is OK and if he is coming home on time and I have been lying to her stating everything is OK.:(( ). To the outside world he is best husband, best dad and smart man. Only I know ( partially my daughter) knows whats happening. Even with all these… we do lot of vacations and try to do things when is sober.

The more I think, confrontation will not help as he will find different ways and on top he will blame me for not trusting him and spying on him. Ater all this for so many years, he still expects me to support him and trust him ( which i do some day or the other he will change)

Day by day i am losing hopes and sometimes I feel like walking out and unfortunately I am not working now to support myself.

I didnt talk to him from past 36 hrs. I am at the verge of crying if ayone even calls me. I am not even taking calls. This morning I get a text like this from my husband and these kind are not new to me.

“past week was one of the best week I had in a long time. I am hoping to continue and only get better from now.

I know I shouldn’y have gone on Friday, but please dont give ip. I know you were very happy past week, and I liked it so much. I will keep trying to get you in that mood all the time, not just for a week.”

These things happen only when he is sober and not gambling. I didnt respond and I dont even know what to say. I am clueless.

I am pretty sure, he must have lost quite a bit of moey and I dont have guts to ask him either as he will come back and say its his money and he can do what he wants.

[Claire3]

I am again in the waiting room to see my psychiatrist now. As a doctor medicines for depression don’t scare me. I have decided I needed something to help me.
I have been reading a lot about it, addiction to gambling problem and what I understood is that medicines, like bupropion, may help a lot, since it also has a interaction with the levels of dopamine in the brain which is similar to the effects produced when someone addicted is gambling. But I need to tell you how important is to have a therapist able to help with it – in some opinions more than medicines. Specially because those medicines used to have side effects before it starts showing the benefits. Sometimes it may be hard for them to handle it. And it is easy giving up. You don’t have how to “control” if he is taking the medicines properly but it is easy to control if he is attending therapy. Maybe you should talk to him about it. I strongly suggest you, in case he accepts it, go for a consultation first and, if possible, do not let him know. Usually therapists specialized in it know how to deal it since they are aware how easy is for them be in the net of lies and manipulations that usually comes with this addiction. I could suggest you do not insist on going there with him. If he goes, it is the first step. You can also look for a therapist to yourself, which I strongly suggest you to do asap, and try to make both therapists working together, if tour husband gives them consent for it.
I know that pain. I know how much we worry for someone we love. How much we keep attached to the good memories and relying on the good heart they have to help us cope with which I call “survival mode”. I would like to email you. Donyou have any you can givee here?
Love
Claire

[velvet]

Hi Sandy
It is really good to see the interaction between you and Clare but I believe it would help you further if you were to start your own thread – Clare will still be able to respond to you.

No two threads are identical; every member is different and every member deserves to receive responses to his/her unique problem.

Many members find they share similar experiences but in my experience receiving responses on your own thread about that which is concerning ‘you’ help you to feel less alone.

I cannot respond to you further on Clare’s thread even though I have read things in your posts that could possibly benefit from further input.

I hope you will consider starting you own thread and if you do I will be delighted to get to know you better

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Clare
It would be great to get an update from you – how did you get on with your psychiatrist?
When I was living with an active CG in my life I saw a psychiatrist because I believed the problem had to be me which is a fairly common assumption among those who love compulsive gamblers. It is only with knowledge that we learn we are not the problem but sadly we also learn that we cannot be the answer.
Your husband will not be deliberately hurting you or your family so it is right that you do things for yourself that make you happy and give you peace of mind. Allowing ourselves to be dragged down by the addiction of someone we love doesn’t help us or our loved one.
I can hear your strength is growing in your replies to Sandy. Please let me know how you are
Velvet

[Claire3]

Hi, dear. Thank you for your message. It made me feel supported. I am stuck here. I don’t know what to do. It is like a caught 22 situation. He wants to give our family and our marriage one more try. I do as well. But not to live in the hell again. And the hell is seeing my husband being controlled by his needs of gambler. He told me I have nothing to worry about but I guess it is the same that most of them used to tell when they are in the denial process. He tells me he knows when to stop but the reality is I saw how exhausted he was. Like he had been gambling during a lot of nights in a row and working during the daytime. I didn’t say no because I want to give it a try. Because I low him, because of our children…. But now after 24 hours I am thinking about everything I have been learning to and I can see clearly myself in that web of lies, “acceptance”, afraid of confrontation, and the game where he pretends to tell the truth and I pretend to believe. What good can come up from a situation like that?
Love
Claire

[Claire3]

About the psychiatrist I keep going there because of my treatment for depression. I have a tendency to be depressed and so many things happened that I am on medicines now. Also for anxiety. It is something I want to try to stop but I am quite sure it is not the time for that. The psychologist I think I need to change to someone more specialized in addiction to help me better. I will keep you posted.
Claire

[sandy0309]

Hi Claire – My update here… It has been a roller coaster ride for me. I started seeing a psychologist and met her couple times. Its just too early for me to comment on what my thoughts have been after seeing her. One thing is she is able to talk with the Doctor that my husband has been seeing.
Going back to my husband, from last 9 days he didn’t go to Casino and told me that he was counting days and he wouldn’t do it again mainly to keep my daughter happy as she is in her senior year of HS. That really raised my hopes and last night they came crashing down. He went to casino last night and came home this morning at 3:30. He slept all day and and late afternoon he took my daughter for her class, While she was in the class, he goes to the bar. it hasn’t ended… he is now with his friends outside and I wouldn’t be suprised if he comes tomorrow morning. I am upset. I feel i am going back into depression with increased levels of anxiety. I feel bad for my daughters as its so unfair for them to go thru the situation at this age.

[velvet]

Hi Claire

I am hoping for an update as I have been on holiday for a few weeks.

Have you found a psychologist who specializes in addiction?

I have just re-read all your posts and your replies to Sandy and you seem to have become remarkably knowledgeable about how the addiction to gamble confuses loved ones into believing what they want to believe and into denying reality. Of course knowing that we are fooling ourselves and doing something about it is so very, very difficult.

You know you have something to worry about regardless of your husband’s words that you do not but you want to give your marriage another try which I completely understand. You are now armed with a lot more knowledge and I am hoping that this will be the difference between what has gone before and what is to come.

My suggestion is that you keep posting, I am back now and cannot see myself being absent for a very long time. Sharing helps, I know that from my own experience. Talking to someone else who will not judge but who understand helps. Gradually I think our minds can become less cluttered with thoughts of addiction; in time we can see the right way forward.

You ask what good can come out of a situation like this. My personal belief is that given time and knowledge we can turn a bad experience into something good – or I would not be here. I have found that my fight back to my recovery and reality has helped me in every walk of my life since.

I hope you are still reading Claire

Velvet

[Author]

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