[p]

Well hello again. Considering i am writing on other peoples threads i thought i may aswell write on my own. So here i am writing again and it feels good to be open again. Im beyond caring what others think and that might sound selfish but its a great thing. I have found in this process that slips have happened and thats how the story has been for me. I have had periods of abstinence many times which i wouldnt have had without places like this and GA. If i string all the periods of abstinence over the last few years together i actually have a few years. If i didnt stay here and GA i would have none.
My journey has been rocky, i have been unable to stop but i try every day not to gamble. At the moment i dont gamble. I say it to myself every day. I dont gamble anymore. I like to reinforce in my mind that it is in the past. I dont know what will happen. I dont know if i will stop long term. I want to and i hope to but i know the nature of this addiction and i try not to think too far ahead now. I just try to get through my days and do the best i can. I used to set myself up too much and think this is it, i will never gamble again and then be so disappointed when i did fall down. My last relapse i believe has been the catalyst in getting me moving in this recovery this time. i dont think there is anything anyone could do for me before this. Quite honestly the last relapse was too much for me. I cannot describe on a page the tortured state of my mind. It has taken some time to start healing. I was completely broken. I dont want to give any more of me to gambling. I used to feel as though i had no choice but i do today. Before i would go to a venue like a robot. i would just go it is what i did. Now i have a period first where i can stop and think. Now i reach out to people and ask for help. Its taken me years to accept that i cant do it alone…. i will never give up on giving up, just for today
P 🙂

[p]

Do you know what. Whatever i say i doubt if will be the same as i feel the next day or even the next hour. i can post that i am totally strong, the next hour i may be half way out the door to gamble. My days are made up of many emotions, many feelings, many urges, many ***** i feel i just cant do it.. then i feel ok i can, then i feel ok i can’t, and on it goees. Its overwhelming some days wow
P

[Anonymous]

You can do this, P … in fact, you are doing this.  Today I am going to pray for some peace for you, God knows you deserve things to settle for you a bit.  You ARE strong P … strong enough to flick those nagging doubts out of your mind the moment it enters.  Don’t even entertain it for a second.  The next time it surfaces, put on your walking shoes and head out the door.  Don’t take your purse, just your keys and go.  Walk and walk and walk until you’re too exhausted to move … then head home for a gorgeous shower and cuppa tea.  Think how awesome you would feel.  Or just sit down and start writing your gratitude list.  You have come too far to slip back.  Don’t let doubts creep into your mind.  You’ve already accomplished a wonderful feat.  Respect your efforts and reward yourself with something positive. 
I don’t need to tell you that you will feel like **** at the end of it and you will regret it for weeks to come.  I’m kicking myself for being an idiot in April, just for that short period.  And for what.  Absolutely nothing.  Never give up, P.  Keep going and tomorrow you will be thrilled that you did.  I’m rooting for you, my friend.  Be good to yourself.  We’re old hands at this and we know there is no joy in giving in to urges.  P is for POWER.  Go girl.  Love,  RG

[p]

RG thanks so much for that post it really gave me a boost. You are right, we can do this, we are doing it!! This time we can ***** that gambling demon into the past where it belongs. Just making my little pledge today that i wont gamble for anything. I will not put my recovery at risk today for anything. What happens happens and it doesnt need to involve gambling, because i no longer gamble. That is a chapter in my life that has come to a close. It was once a part of me but no more. I let it go…. Goodbye gambling…. ***** life
P

[cat438]

Hi P, just a quick post as I need to get a shower and get to work.  You are doing great and I loved your post about how you are dealing with the urges and phoning someone.  I really do see such growth in you and your posts… you have come a long way since I have joined GT.  I have so much admiration for you as you never give up.  You really are a fighter who is battling this addiction and you know what girl, you will win the war against it!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

[p]

Crazy **** urges !!! ugh
P

[bettie]

Hang in there P!
The longer you are away from the bet the easier it gets.
Don’t choose to gamble, choose peace of mind!
bettie

[Anonymous]

Hey P:  I went onto chat because I was sure I would find you there.  Turns out you’d already left.  Hang in there, Ms. P.  You are stronger than you know.  Gambling will no longer define you.  You are P … with a wide spectrum of interests and priorities … gambling is not among them.  Choose your health, my friend … spiritually, mentally and physically.  If you really need a break and you have a few dollars to spare, use it for something nice for you … or a lovely surprise for your boy or even something yummy to snack on while you chat to all of us over the weekend.  You’ve got this, P.  I have total faith in you.  Love, RG

[cat438]

(((P))) those urges are awful, but hang in there as you are doing great!!!!  How about a quick post to let us know how you are doing.  Keep posting P, you can do this!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

[kin]

Originally posted by P

Crazy **** urges !!! ugh P
hi sister,
let ‘s hold hand and do our recovery together ODAAT

[p]

Well its very late here and I can’t sleep. Some things bothering me, I am easily sensitive but I got the weirdest feeling something was up today from someone. I hate what my mind does, I start worrying and worrying and can’t sleep. I try to let it go, I know in the morning I will most likely feel better but at the moment things seem magnified.
I got through my urges.. they come regularly and I feel i won’t make it but then I fight like mad. I get in touch with people before I go rather than after. I never want to go back and I get so scared that I will. I sometimes start to feel it wasn’t so bad and that is dangerous thinking for me. I am aware of it at least and trying really really hard to stay on track. Im not interested in the time up. I want a gamble free life so for me ******** days doesn’t matter. Gambling is in the past. I don’t gamble anymore.
P

[p]

Thank you very much for all your encouragement too. So nice to see everyone cheering me on, i wish a gamble free life for all of you too. Just gotta stick together.
P

[howanan]

Hi P… I’m so glad you are posting again.    I’ve tried not to think about gambling at all.  It seemed the more I fought the urges, the more I gave into them.  Stay strong ……………..Nancy

[p]

Thanks Nancy so glad to see you are ok and not gambling, you were gone a long time. I always kept thinking about you, just because you are not here you are not forgotten. Glad to see you and thanks for your post. Some days i just want to gamble plain and simple. No excuses, no i need to because… just because some days i really want to. Thats all it comes down to for me, my desire to gamble and my desire not to gamble and on a daily basis i want the desire not to to be that little bit stronger. The good voice is still winning. My desire not to gamble today outweighs my desire to. Though it changes pretty much all through the day and really its like a balancing act for me. I have to do things to get heavier in the desire not to gamble to get me through and this is GA meetings, talking to people and counselling. That gives me a greater chance of keeping that desire not to gamble heavier on the scale of the desire to gamble… have a good day all. Im tired, but happy to make it through another day
P

[libbie]

Hi P–I know too well that rationalization …when you feel calmer and more in control…and Oh–now I have a little more money and it won’t hurt and I feel like it..blah blah..! But it only leads back to going back out..I went for  a year and a half not gambling…My life was better…more normal…didn’t have to always look over my shoulder..went to the casino with an old boyfriend and thought …No big deal…but it got worse this time around!…So no–it’s really better not to start even if you just feel like it..
It is really good that you are calling before you go..This is an inspiration for me..I plan on going  back to GA and find a sponsor and do the same..call first!
Take care and good night

[p]

Morning…. have a good day everyone at GT 🙂

[neva]

Good to see you posting again p.  You’re sounding stronger and determined to make your life better.  There is a lot of things that happen beyond our control but gambling, and the losses that go with it, is a choice that we make.  I’m happy you are being good to yourself, and your son, and choosing not to gamble today. A weekend with no regrets…that’s my goal too.
 

[p]

No gambling today… feels good i got through another day!!
P

[Anonymous]

Hi P:  Thanks for your encouraging post on my thread.  I’m so proud of you for making it through another weekend … just keep doing what you’re doing because it’s working this time.  Reaching out is the key for you and it’s what is going to get you to a lifetime without gambling.  Feeling a bit grumpy this morning … so much to do before I go and visit my Pops.  But the sun is shining and hubby is working in the kitchen, so perhaps I should choose to be grateful instead of a miserable sot.  I wish you a wonderful and refreshing sleep so that you wake invigorated and strong and ready to take on the world.  Love, RG

[cat438]

P, it is so great to see you posting and acknowledging your struggles.  I am so glad you are contacting someone from GA before you go rather than afterwards.  It isn’t easy some days when we get those thoughts and urges.  I know that I am having more thoughts lately…  I just have to take it one day at a time the same as everyone else here.  Take care!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

[p]

Good Morning. No gambling for me today I have created a little plan of action for the day. No gambling on that list.
P

[p]

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
HAVE A GOOD DAY AND NIGHT EVERYONE

[p]

Another gamble free day 🙂
P

[Anonymous]

Hey Ms. P:  Just checking in to see how your day is going?  I’ll check in on chats later to see if you’re there.  RG

[cat438]

Hi P, just checking in to see how you are doing and it looks like you are doing goodOne day at a time my sweet lord…

[Anonymous]

Hi P:  Looking for you again.  Getting a bit concerned since you’ve been on pretty consistently on a daily basis.  I know I’m probably over-reacting, but please come on and let me know you’re ok.  RG

[desdemona]

Dear (((P)))! Sorry I haven’t emailed you lately. My email is asking me for a password which it hasn’t since October, when I changed it, when I was going to leave Danny. For the life of me I can’t remember it, so my email program is not letting me in. I need to take my computer in and have the hard drive scrubbed, and ask them to remove passwords from facebook, air miles, and my email, all of which I can no longer access as they are asking for passwords. I know it is such a struggle for you to remain gamble free because you can’t ban yourself from the casinos. Where I live, they are replacing the video lottery terminals to slot machines, where you can lose even more money on every spin. I’m banned from the casinos but cannot ban from the vlts. I’m going to have to rely on mental banning, and not go in there to even see what they look like. Every day we don’t gamble is recovery in my opinion, even if we white knuckle it.  Carole

[p]

Hi thank you Cat, RG and Carole!
Cat glad to see you posting again and RG keep going you are doing great. Carole i was so happy to see you have come back. Yipppeee. I am still going well though it has been extremely difficult some days. I hear some people say that its quite easy and they dont fight well i am not at that stage yet though i know if i continue it will get easier. Some days i have been absolutely certain i wont make it. Some days i have actually gone to gamble and i cannot explain the mental madness that goes on in my head but i have turned the car round or gone somewhere else, usually to my next meeting available. I get a lot of strength from GA. I have met some really nice people. The daily fight is there though, it continues and I am doing my all to just keep finding that surrender. not so easy some days in this head of mine. I am my own worst enemy and my own best friend. Thankfully hanging in there, i dont know if i will make this, i hope to. I am for now and thats a miracle. 🙂

[cat438]

Dear (((P))) repeat after me "we are never ever ever getting back together", now that is the song in your head, get rid of those darn gambling thoughts!!!  I know what you mean though as it is difficult to fight them, but you are doing great.  I have to focus on today as if I think about a week from now or never gambling again I can feel a panic come on.  I know that I don’t want to gamble again, but I can’t think of never gambling so I just keep plodding along one day at a time.  You amaze me P as you never give up you keep fighting!!!!  I am so glad that you are going to GA and you have support.  You just do what you need to get through the day. One day at a time my sweet lord…

[lizbeth4]

Hi P!  Thanks for your post.  Keep strong P, fight the urges.  Happy Mother’s Day!!   Take care.Seize all the good things in life

[vera]

Thinking of you P.!
Prayed for you especially at Mass this morning. A sinner’s prayers are always heard, they say!
No gambling this month so far. ODAAT!

[p]

Thank you all for your replies again.. you are all very supportive of me and i was feeling particularly mushy today and Vera when i read that you prayed for me today i cried. Thank you so much
P

[libbie]

I have a special place in my heart for those of us who have to fight the urges so hard! I am proud of you for continuing to fight…I have been fighting myself so it helps to know I am not alone…Hope you have an easier day today!

[kathryn]

Miss P, thinking of you this morning, come on back. I can only assume you have gambled, you need GT right now. Don’t hide away, we are here for you ***

[kathryn]

I’m bringing you back to the top…..love k ******

[kathryn]

Hi p… I have been using my iPhone cause my computer is kaput…. Your thread isn’t closed on here (iPhone) so perhaps that is why, I didn’t even know it was closed !!!! So, last post on this one for me, take care xx

[Author]

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