26 April 2013 at 8:21 pm #10741
Well hello again. Considering i am writing on other peoples threads i thought i may aswell write on my own. So here i am writing again and it feels good to be open again. Im beyond caring what others think and that might sound selfish but its a great thing. I have found in this process that slips have happened and thats how the story has been for me. I have had periods of abstinence many times which i wouldnt have had without places like this and GA. If i string all the periods of abstinence over the last few years together i actually have a few years. If i didnt stay here and GA i would have none.
My journey has been rocky, i have been unable to stop but i try every day not to gamble. At the moment i dont gamble. I say it to myself every day. I dont gamble anymore. I like to reinforce in my mind that it is in the past. I dont know what will happen. I dont know if i will stop long term. I want to and i hope to but i know the nature of this addiction and i try not to think too far ahead now. I just try to get through my days and do the best i can. I used to set myself up too much and think this is it, i will never gamble again and then be so disappointed when i did fall down. My last relapse i believe has been the catalyst in getting me moving in this recovery this time. i dont think there is anything anyone could do for me before this. Quite honestly the last relapse was too much for me. I cannot describe on a page the tortured state of my mind. It has taken some time to start healing. I was completely broken. I dont want to give any more of me to gambling. I used to feel as though i had no choice but i do today. Before i would go to a venue like a robot. i would just go it is what i did. Now i have a period first where i can stop and think. Now i reach out to people and ask for help. Its taken me years to accept that i cant do it alone…. i will never give up on giving up, just for today
P 🙂1 May 2013 at 1:32 am #10742
Do you know what. Whatever i say i doubt if will be the same as i feel the next day or even the next hour. i can post that i am totally strong, the next hour i may be half way out the door to gamble. My days are made up of many emotions, many feelings, many urges, many ***** i feel i just cant do it.. then i feel ok i can, then i feel ok i can’t, and on it goees. Its overwhelming some days wow
P1 May 2013 at 4:57 am #10743AnonymousGuest
You can do this, P … in fact, you are doing this. Today I am going to pray for some peace for you, God knows you deserve things to settle for you a bit. You ARE strong P … strong enough to flick those nagging doubts out of your mind the moment it enters. Don’t even entertain it for a second. The next time it surfaces, put on your walking shoes and head out the door. Don’t take your purse, just your keys and go. Walk and walk and walk until you’re too exhausted to move … then head home for a gorgeous shower and cuppa tea. Think how awesome you would feel. Or just sit down and start writing your gratitude list. You have come too far to slip back. Don’t let doubts creep into your mind. You’ve already accomplished a wonderful feat. Respect your efforts and reward yourself with something positive.
I don’t need to tell you that you will feel like **** at the end of it and you will regret it for weeks to come. I’m kicking myself for being an idiot in April, just for that short period. And for what. Absolutely nothing. Never give up, P. Keep going and tomorrow you will be thrilled that you did. I’m rooting for you, my friend. Be good to yourself. We’re old hands at this and we know there is no joy in giving in to urges. P is for POWER. Go girl. Love, RG1 May 2013 at 8:11 pm #10744
RG thanks so much for that post it really gave me a boost. You are right, we can do this, we are doing it!! This time we can ***** that gambling demon into the past where it belongs. Just making my little pledge today that i wont gamble for anything. I will not put my recovery at risk today for anything. What happens happens and it doesnt need to involve gambling, because i no longer gamble. That is a chapter in my life that has come to a close. It was once a part of me but no more. I let it go…. Goodbye gambling…. ***** life
P2 May 2013 at 12:32 pm #10745cat438Participant
Hi P, just a quick post as I need to get a shower and get to work. You are doing great and I loved your post about how you are dealing with the urges and phoning someone. I really do see such growth in you and your posts… you have come a long way since I have joined GT. I have so much admiration for you as you never give up. You really are a fighter who is battling this addiction and you know what girl, you will win the war against it!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…3 May 2013 at 2:29 am #10746
Crazy **** urges !!! ugh
P3 May 2013 at 3:11 am #10747bettieParticipant
Hang in there P!
The longer you are away from the bet the easier it gets.
Don’t choose to gamble, choose peace of mind!
bettie3 May 2013 at 3:46 am #10748AnonymousGuest
Hey P: I went onto chat because I was sure I would find you there. Turns out you’d already left. Hang in there, Ms. P. You are stronger than you know. Gambling will no longer define you. You are P … with a wide spectrum of interests and priorities … gambling is not among them. Choose your health, my friend … spiritually, mentally and physically. If you really need a break and you have a few dollars to spare, use it for something nice for you … or a lovely surprise for your boy or even something yummy to snack on while you chat to all of us over the weekend. You’ve got this, P. I have total faith in you. Love, RG3 May 2013 at 12:45 pm #10749cat438Participant
(((P))) those urges are awful, but hang in there as you are doing great!!!! How about a quick post to let us know how you are doing. Keep posting P, you can do this!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…3 May 2013 at 2:11 pm #10750kinParticipant
Originally posted by P
Crazy **** urges !!! ugh P
let ‘s hold hand and do our recovery together ODAAT3 May 2013 at 3:09 pm #10751
Well its very late here and I can’t sleep. Some things bothering me, I am easily sensitive but I got the weirdest feeling something was up today from someone. I hate what my mind does, I start worrying and worrying and can’t sleep. I try to let it go, I know in the morning I will most likely feel better but at the moment things seem magnified.
I got through my urges.. they come regularly and I feel i won’t make it but then I fight like mad. I get in touch with people before I go rather than after. I never want to go back and I get so scared that I will. I sometimes start to feel it wasn’t so bad and that is dangerous thinking for me. I am aware of it at least and trying really really hard to stay on track. Im not interested in the time up. I want a gamble free life so for me ******** days doesn’t matter. Gambling is in the past. I don’t gamble anymore.
P3 May 2013 at 3:10 pm #10752
Thank you very much for all your encouragement too. So nice to see everyone cheering me on, i wish a gamble free life for all of you too. Just gotta stick together.
P3 May 2013 at 4:58 pm #10753howananParticipant
Hi P… I’m so glad you are posting again. I’ve tried not to think about gambling at all. It seemed the more I fought the urges, the more I gave into them. Stay strong ……………..Nancy4 May 2013 at 2:34 am #10754
Thanks Nancy so glad to see you are ok and not gambling, you were gone a long time. I always kept thinking about you, just because you are not here you are not forgotten. Glad to see you and thanks for your post. Some days i just want to gamble plain and simple. No excuses, no i need to because… just because some days i really want to. Thats all it comes down to for me, my desire to gamble and my desire not to gamble and on a daily basis i want the desire not to to be that little bit stronger. The good voice is still winning. My desire not to gamble today outweighs my desire to. Though it changes pretty much all through the day and really its like a balancing act for me. I have to do things to get heavier in the desire not to gamble to get me through and this is GA meetings, talking to people and counselling. That gives me a greater chance of keeping that desire not to gamble heavier on the scale of the desire to gamble… have a good day all. Im tired, but happy to make it through another day
P4 May 2013 at 2:45 am #10755libbieParticipant
Hi P–I know too well that rationalization …when you feel calmer and more in control…and Oh–now I have a little more money and it won’t hurt and I feel like it..blah blah..! But it only leads back to going back out..I went for a year and a half not gambling…My life was better…more normal…didn’t have to always look over my shoulder..went to the casino with an old boyfriend and thought …No big deal…but it got worse this time around!…So no–it’s really better not to start even if you just feel like it..
It is really good that you are calling before you go..This is an inspiration for me..I plan on going back to GA and find a sponsor and do the same..call first!
Take care and good night
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