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    • #12755
      jensy
      Participant

      Hi Every one,
      This is my first time on this forum and I have been reading peoples posts and things and I just felt the urge to write about my own problem.
      I am 29, just had my birthday a few weeks ago, I am 29 and I can not control my finances?
      I have been gambling for about 3-4 years. It started very small and it was a fun hobby of mine that I had and I really enjoyed it the feeling of getting home from work on a Friday night and getting a few glasses of wine and going online and just getting away for a few hours.
      My partner at the time worked as a chef and was rarely home which had made me feel very lonely, but going online gambling I didnt feel lonely anymore I felt happy.
      Any way as the weeks and months passed of winning and loosing I started gamble more and more, whenever I could really when he was not around, it wasent massive amounts and money were coming in so there was no problem financially. I didnt realise then how this game can also make you feel like not living, not wanting to wake up and thinking of ways on how to end my life.
      It got to a point when I was feeling very miserable I told my partner about it and a weight was lifted of my shoulder, he said “just dont do it again” as if it is that easy.
      But it worked then and I got over it.
      I stayed off all gambling for probably just over a year and one night I thought, well a little game wont hurt, just one…. and then I was on it again more and more and more.
      I just felt so lonely without it.
      Me and my partner of 7 years then split up, not due to gambling more to the fact that he was never around and thats when it all started big time.
      I moved out and had all my own bills to pay and I felt that if I did a bit of gambling it would help me to live how I used to without struggling with money.
      It did the opposite, I had to sell my lovely car that I adored and I couldnt even afford to eat some days, used to look in the reduced section in supermarket for cheap ready meals just to get something in me not that I wanted to eat but after not eating for a while you have to.
      I had started a relationship with another man at this point whom I still am with and I introduced him to the whole online gambling and it didnt take long until we were both sitting like two carrots playing away all night.
      He was always ok and said that he had no problem and could stop whenever, me on the other hand I never stop not until I loose my very last penny and I have to stop.
      It got so bad I wanted to die everyday I woke up, I was sweating, my heart was beating so fast out of worry and I couldnt eat and I lost so much weight looked like a ghost all pale and tired just couldnt live any more I found nothing fun anymore.
      I had to tell mum and she was devastated and I felt so ashamed I had to ask my mum for a loan which she was a bit reluctant to give me as I had lied so much before about car breaking down can I borrow money, extra bills coming out can I borrow money… so she couldnt trust me this time and that hurt the most.
      She gave me enough money to live each week til payday and I promised her to stop, and I did. it was so hard. I went to a few GA meetings probably for about 2 months and it helped but I hated going there it felt like I didnt fit in the people there had such big problems and were in deep dept of thousands of pounds. I was also in debt but not that much… it felt a little like I shouldnt be there as my gambling was not that bad….
      Anyway after all that I stopped going and slowly my life had started to go back to normal, there was no gambling in my life anymore… my partner though didnt want to stop and he said that he couldnt see why he had to stop just cause I had a problem as he didnt.
      But it really upset me when he played as my fingers where itching to do it as well.
      I didnt gamble for 10 months and I had managed to save some money. But just as I had saved up some money things started to get wrong, car broke down, car insurance going out and lots of expensive bills came in.
      Then one night I went online again… Thought that I could top up my savings and get extra spending money, I won that night and it felt soo good.
      As soon as the money came in to my account I spent it on clothes and fun things and I thought to myself this is how I am going to do it just play a little and spend winning money on fun stuff and it actually worked out for a couple of months, I didnt win masses of money just the odd £100 here and there.
      But as I won I wanted to play more and more and more and when I played it was like a trance, I just couldnt stop. My savings dissapeared bit by bit each month as I gambled away it all.
      So here I am again, in terrible debt feeling like not living anymore.
      My partner has given up gambling about 2 months ago… He said he is a compulsive gambler and he still want to do it but it did get pretty bad for him as well and he put a stop to it.
      I am yet again back to square one, I have no appetite, no money, no interest, nothing.
      I do have my lovely partner that is helping me through it, he keeps saying to me that it is only money and there is so much more to life and he is right, but its more then the money for me, I have yet again dissapointed my mum and she has had to loan me more money… I havent paid her back for the other times yet and I have lost my favorite past time… Gambeling.
      I am determine not to gamble again though, cause I know how much better I felt without it but right now everything just seems hopeless. I think I need serious help as I can not do this alone.

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