Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 290 total)
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  • #9637
    icandothis
    Participant

    Have made a mess of things.  I knew what I was doing, but didn’t care.  I would like to think that I am not a lost cause, but my heart and my head say that I am.  I apologize, but I need this site.  Please don’t give up on me.  God, help me find the strength to start over again…again…to not give up on myself and my life.

    #9638
    neva
    Participant

    Dear ican and Vera, the only way to protect yourselves is to make sure you can’t get to cash when the stinkin’ thinkin’ hits. It’s painful, upsetting and you feel like you’re giving up your independence but believe me, when there is absolutely no way to get money, it will be a whole lot easier…not easy but easier. I still get a little miffed when I can’t go to Pappa Murphy’s pizza unless I have cash (they don’t take American Express or checks) but enough other places do.  I wish I could carry cash and have a debit card like other people but I know it’s just leaving the door open for a gambling spree. Good for both of you willing to start again.  You’re both in my prayers too.

    #9639
    icandothis
    Participant

    Thanks Cat and ready2change.  What I wanted was a gamble free summer.  What I have had has been one big relapse.  Such loss and devastation.  I am not going to let this disease have one more day of my life and not another penny!  August 7…lucky 7 because this is the day I choose to take action.  Giving in to this addiction is not living.  Misery.  Just over a decade.  What a waste!  I just want a normal life!

    #9640
    iceman
    Participant

    Icandothis ……..yes you can, we share a mutual friend and although he keeps telling me he can’t do this I keep telling him yes you can, so together as friends …stay strong….keep at it and Icandothis ……yeswecan, take care my friend and I am always reading and listening to others even though I am not around, just for today I am based in another country and that is no *** no matter what my IP address reads. Take care and never ever give in…..wish you well love Iceman.

    #9641
    cat438
    Participant

    Hi Ican, how are you?  Keep posting and working it one day at a time.  You know that you can get through one day and just focus on that.  It is such a horrible addiction, but don’t worry about tomorrow or next week just think about getting through one day.  I find it helps me to post when I am struggling to get back on track. You can do it Ican!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

    #9642
    icandothis
    Participant

    Thanks for the encouragement, Iceman.  Cat, I am doing ok.  Life would be so much better if I didn’t gamble.  When am I going to get that through my thick skull?
    Vera, I like that image of all of us standing on the platform and watching that train go by!  Reminds me of a song I hear when I go to a certain casino called Long Black Train by Josh Turner…trust in the Father and His Holy name and don’t go riding on that long black train.
    If anyone’s interested…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PyRZTAmcW7c
    Day 1 was amazingly good.  If I was alone, I probably would have wallowed in self-pity and drank wine.  I am at home, and I had a lot of work to do.  I cooked dinner for my husband and daughter.  I invited a friend to join us.  She was feeling low.  She recently retired, and like me, she is asking "What am I going to do with the rest of my life?"  Although she has quit work, I need to begin!  Unlike me, she is all alone.  She was widowed, remarried and then divorced, and now both her kids have moved far away.  I know she is envious of my life and struggles with feelings of loneliness.  I am a very lucky woman who just for today is not going to gamble and is ******** her many blessings!
     

    #9643
    cat438
    Participant

    Thanks Ican I really enjoyed that Long Black Train I had not heard it before.  I will ***** my blessings today as I have much to be grateful for!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

    #9644
    libbie
    Participant

    Hi there-saw your post on my thread..so popping in on yours.I hope you are feeling ok…you sound just like me…on and off the train..this is hard! But let’s at least be grateful for any easy hours (minutes?) we have!
    That being said, I went back out yesterday…7 whole days..that’s all I did …but it seemed longer than that..I hate to post all my relapses…but I don’t want to *** either…I actually left a winner…but I still felt like s***t today and cried on and off all morning….because I knew I had done wrong…it just didn’t feel good..and other areas of my life are not going well..and gambling, win or lose only makes it worse! So here I start again…
    Watching Downtown Abbey …great way to stay out of the casino! I was watching it straight through but took a break from it…so now I’m going to pick it back up!

    #9645
    neva
    Participant

    Ican, I hope and pray things are going better for you. I posted a blog link on my thread that I think you’d find inspiration and comfort in…I know I have.  Sherry

    #9646
    icandothis
    Participant

    I have reached an all time low. Can not believe the money I have recently wasted. Read uncontrolled post on his 100 days and feel inspired. My life has just been on this downward spiral, and I can’t seem to turn things around. Seem to be in a state of panic all the time. So many things are challenging right now. For instance, this new website set up lol. I do realize that the only thing I can control is myself. I am going to start there. I am in a terrible place right now, but that is ok, because what I do have is a strong desire to change, to be a better person, and to enjoy life once more.

    #9647
    libbie
    Participant

    So sorry hon..I am afraid I am in the same boat…and now my first time back on here and I just want to cry..Not sure why it was changed.I thought it was great before:(

    #9648
    libbie
    Participant

    Nice to see your post on my thread..This feels like such a foreign place but feels homey to see the old names I know…Hopefully all this will just take getting used to and then we will all feel comfortable again…and isn’t that what we gamblers love – the “comfort ” of gambling? What a joke..because it is always followed by EXTREME discomfort after a gamble..I am on Day 3 of staying away …I have been thinking that my addiction is as much about the money as it is the gambling..Why do I want to just throw it away? I”say” I want to have money, but then why I am I so willing to just give it away at all costs? It makes no sense to me. It’s good that you say you have a desire to change..That’s a start ! Hang in there.I am getting up my nerve to attend a GA meeting..The first one in years..If I do nothing else, I can do that…at least just one

    #9649
    ready2change
    Participant

    Hi ican good to see you back posting sorry to hear youve been threw the mill with the gambling i was the same june july and august. But im getting there odaat just over a month now. Hope you have a great autumn and a great day at your sons wedding. Take care

    #9650
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Hi Ican
    Sorry to hear you have been struggling. I do not have any magic words of wisdom. I really wish I did. I have read many of your treads and I know that you have been a source of help many times to folks on this forum. I think that the problem we gamblers have is that we forget so easily the intense pain and trouble that it causes us and those around us. although I have been clean for a while now, I understand that the demons are always following me. I think with me, its the thought of getting a bit of ‘easy money’ and not having to work for it. We sometimes win, but its never enough, and its that win thrill that keeps us coming back in the hope theat we can do it again, but thinking we can stop at ‘just the right time’ !!!!!!!!!! Funny that it always fails. I have in the past gone on fantastic winning steaks that have lasted for weeks, with lots of available cash. I have bought people gifts and spent some on fancy meals, and then the inevitable certainty losses start again and I chase and chas and chase, and normal service is resumed. You have done some good stints free of the demon before and I know you are strong. You are in my thoughts and I can only suggest keep coming to the forum were people really do care x

    #9651
    icandothis
    Participant

    Uncontrolled, Those are words of wisdom! I think you hit upon something with the not wanting to work for the money and also, the impatience of wanting the money now. I do feel bad about our financial situation (which isn’t all from the gambling) and the fact that I don’t work outside of the home. This should keep me from gambling, but actually, it does just the opposite. The more desperate I feel about our finances, the stronger the urges to gamble. Then I lose more money and feel even more desperate. A vicious cycle that must be broken. I must break this cycle and find a way to EARN money.
    Just for today, I am not going to gamble, and I am focusing on cleaning the house and enjoying the day.

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