[astrofly21]

Hi there all,
n
nI am a compulsive gambler, and I have gone through so many starts and stops in my life.
n
nI woke up this morning, and my first thought was to online gamble. And I did. Was up a bit, then lost it all. Actually I have lost a lot in the past month, and its just not stopping. Being temporarily laid off from my job of 15 years doesn’t help either. Coupled with the Covid situation, seems like my whole life is in a bit of a tailspin.
n
nI say that I’ll stop but i find myself logging on to a new casino and going through the motions – hoping that it will give me a solution to my money problem. A debt that has increased considerably…
n
nI realize now more than ever, that there is not an end in this game. It will just continue, as I become numb to the thrills.
n
nI am becoming somebody who I do not recognize anymore (hiding this disease from others) and that is very scary to me.
n
nI hope that writing about my issue, committing to updating regularly, and looking into joining one of the groups will lead me to a lasting control over this.

[dunc]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

n

[astrofly21]

I woke up today, and an email from an old casino came up, and all these thoughts just came to mind. How quickly can I go from one thought to gambling. I think about my finances, and I think about how I got into this situation. My mind is all over the place right now, but I need to move on. I need to be able to overcome this.

[G Rec]

Hi astrofly,
n
nI can associate with most of what you have said having come to this forum and seeking help at the beginning of the week.
n
nI attended my first group session yesterday for new Members and found it extremely useful. I really recommend giving one of those sessions a go, as Charles mentioned, they are On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

[astrofly21]

Wow – I strayed away in the worst possible way…
n
nI did not recognize myself again – I thought i had control, but in reality – I dont. Its the worst possible way. I could feel myself being somebody different, and almost like a panic attack coming over me. But i still click bet, and i still put down and enormous amount of money. As i said, its not somebody i recognized.
n
nLets start this Day 1 again, because this has to stop.

[astrofly21]

My thought for today is asking myself, how I (seemingly normal) can let something like gambling control me? How I can seemingly have everything else under control in my life, but then become somebody completely different at the thought of winning.
n
nIts crept up in the past with various episodes, but its managed to go away. I didnt give it much thought then, and chalked it up to dumb mistakes. This year and last year though, it really has stayed and consumed a good amount of my life. It became a way for me to escape and cope i guess ( during the ending of one relationship, and now during this pandemic ).

[astrofly21]

Well – I got through yesterday and I consider that a win. It sucked 🙁 I just kept on thinking how to get my money back right away, which is such a dumb exercise. There are no short cuts to this. I need to accept what i have done, and move forward to get better.

[astrofly21]

I believe this is Day 2 for me since my last relapse. I talked to a friend today, and he asked me about gambling ( as he knew of my previous binges ). I confessed to him, and I told him that I am working on making things better. Its nice to hear that kind of sentiment from a friend. It really caught me off guard, but thats what friends are for. I dont want to dissapoint him or any of my loved ones. I really hope I can come back and write more days….

[astrofly21]

Made it through Day 3… I did think of gambling today, but having the Gamban feature installed helped. As quickly as it entered my mind, it quickly disappeared as well once i found distractions (such as school, and cleaning the house). I received a little bit of money today, but that all went to debt to pay off the damage that was done. It feels terrible, but i know that i have to go through this to make it to more days…

[astrofly21]

Got through another day – wanted to make sure that I wrote here. I was with friends today, working out with them. I then realized that there have been times this past year where I have only thought about gambling when I was with them. Completely disconnected from the moment, and just thinking about the next time I can be in action (to either chase a loss or try to win more money). How could I have let it control my thoughts like that?

[Amber_Disfordone]

You know I actually thought of this today I was thinking of all of the memories that I have tarnished because of my gambling they could’ve actually been really good memories if my demon had not come out and destroyed them ….They all start address good intentioned fun  with my friends. And to them that might be their memories. But many of times I have abandoned those good times to create distractive distractive gambling moments in my life that I will never get back. I’m looking forward to a future we’re good memories will be just that memories that I am present for people that I am present for Because gambling is no more my ambition I wish the same for all of us actually I pray that for us  

[astrofly21]

I love what you wrote here – “that I am present for people that I am present for”. I think the older we become those moments become fewer and far between. Why tarnish it with a controlling thought like gambling?

[astrofly21]

I did not write yesterday, but I made it through. I did watch a popular online gambling stream though, which I dont think was the best idea (at least not yet). Maybe I dont see their issues behind the scenes.
n
nI started thinking that if they can gamble with no problems, why cant I? The urge started to grow, but it eventually subsided once my mind moved on to other things. Having the gambling blocker on my main computer is a big help at this time as I know that I cannot/should not pursue something stupid like that.
n
nToday represents day 6 – another day in this journey.

[astrofly21]

Day 7 now….
n
nI got an offer for a temporary job, which will pay me a entry level rate for the next couple of months. And honestly… I am quite happy. It gives me a new project, somewhere I can channel my energy to – rather than thinking of gambling again. The money will help (albeit minimally), but it will do something to get me back to where I was at before financially, before all of this mess.
n
nJust another step I guess towards a better situation.

[G Rec]

Congrats Astro on getting offered a temporary job. As you said, it will be great to have something you can channel your energy towards. 

One thing that might be worth considering is having someone else handle your money at least in the short term. As Charles has helped me understand, even if you are doing this, you are not handing over responsibility for your money, you still control your finances and decide where it is spent, but anytime you want to use that money for something, it has to go through that other person thus reducing the chances that you have access to funds for gambling. 

[astrofly21]

Thanks G Rec! 

I have thought about it, but still have hesitations. I have never done that in my life, but I see the benefits of it. Maybe there are so many things associated with it that I am not ready to handle right now (which might be silly, but thats how i feel). Did you end up doing something like that?

[G Rec]

Did you end up doing something like that?

Yes, I have an automatic payment in place that once my wages arrive, an allocation for main expenses is sent to a person I trust for rent, main bills, savings etc. 

I still have access to a small amount of money for everyday living, but even for that, the person I trust has visibility of where it is spent to keep me immediately accountable. 

Even if you are not ready to have someone else help manage your money. Setting up a system to make sure you are immediately accountable for any money you spend could be a big help, basically allowing someone else to have visibility of what you are spending. There are a number of ways you could do this such as keeping a shared budget of spending, having someone else get notified for any transactions on your account, having all funds go through a shared vault in Revout,  Giving someone else access to your bank statements (or having them sent to someone else) etc. 

[astrofly21]

Thank you for the first hand insight G Rec – I really appreciate it! 

[astrofly21]

Wow, time has flown by and I have made it to Day 14. Things are a bit clearer, and it really starts with one day. I have thought of gambling every now and then, but at least its not staying in my head for too long. It eventually disappears as I keep myself busy. There are a lot of positives happening right now, which I am truly grateful for. I cant change the beginning, but I am working on changing my present. 

[Dark Energy]

good progress keep it up

[astrofly21]

Today is a day that I mixed feelings about – payday…

It gives me a chance to look at my balance, and pay my bills accordingly. Which I did without any hesitation.

I am disgusted and saddened with the damage that I have done to my bank account in the past months. So many ins and outs that could have been avoided, as it was all gambling related.

Yet… I am hopeful and dare to say… a little bit happy? at the same time. I was able to pay off a bit of my debt, and I am in a better position than where I was two weeks ago. That thought of – “I could get this all back with gambling” is still there, and even darker thoughts creep up in the back of my mind on how to scheme my way to fix all of this.  But I know that this will go away, and that this is not WHO I AM as a person, friend, family, example. I will not let these thoughts win, not this time. Slowly but surely, I will get over this, and WIN in a different way. 

These were my thoughts for Day 17 gamble free.

[Dark Energy]

hi astrofly, 

 

I was in your position and still, I am but now I am in much better shape financially. 

what I learned is don’t try to rush the recovery do it slowly but steady. every time I thought about how to expedite the financial recovery it leads me back to gambling, “for a man with a hammer everything looks like a nail”.

at this stage focus on yourself and how to improve your self and as you recover a new Opportunities will come. and you will grow financially.

 

don’t think that gambling is a solution no it is not and every member here in this forum knows that, you can find some deluded peoples in the real world thinks they can win money gambling; they can’t. it is a losing game.

 

also keeping access to the account will increase your temptation to gamble ask one of your family members to take control temporarily. 

 

if you don’t have anyone who you can give the control to, then reduce the cash part; bay valued things like gold or properties, car ….etc it is difficult for you to liquidate these items fast so you will have plenty of time you to stop before losing that money if you relapsed.  note this is not recommended in the early stage of recovery better is to give control to someone else.

hope you all the best

[astrofly21]

HI there Darkenergy, 

Thank you so much for the thoughts, and you are absolutely right – its time to focus on myself and improve. One day at a time, my situation will get better as long as I keep on the right track. By default, my finances will follow as well. 

[astrofly21]

Oh I hate myself for posting this, but its my day one again.

I did well for a couple of months, and well it all came crashing down yesterday as I let things slip.

Again I was somebody that I did not recognize trying to gain everything back. Things were going well with the gamban application i set up, but then an opening came as it was not on my cellphone. I was also watching a lot of gambling streams – probably because I was bored. Seeing that, made me think – I am sure I can do that too (even though I knew better)!

The thought process was stupid, and I am not in a better place, its another financial setback. I need to do more. I can say that I am happy that I made it to the two plus months that I did, but I am ashamed that I let myself falter and fail – all in one night. I can do so much damage financially – those high losses are starting to become a norm, and it sets me back (both present and future).

I want to do better, and become a better version of myself.

[astrofly21]

Got through today – that feeling is still there though, the sadness of losing, disbelief that I let things happen the way it did, and even worse – ideas as to how to get it all back (which is so stupid).

It really hurt at the time, but eventually my mind let it go for a bit as I focused on other things.

I know that it will be like this for a while, but another post reminded me that its one day at a time to get better.

[G Rec]

Sorry to hear about your recent setback astrofly21 but well done on getting back on here and looking for ways to help to get back gamble free. I had a setback as well a little before Christmas. Here is to both of us staying stronger in 2021

[astrofly21]

Completely agree to that G Rec! We will not let this set back get in the way of what needs to happen.

[astrofly21]

At day 5 today, and I was reminded of the serenity prayer during a recent podcast – so thought I would write it as my journal entry. Not a tremendously religious person by any means, but can always relate to the words.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things i can and wisdom to know the difference”

[astrofly21]

At day 8 – glad to have made it through the week – which I know from previous experience is a tough one to do. Each day that I do not gamble makes me better. I keep on repeating that, and hope for many more days to come.

[astrofly21]

At day 12, and its been a really weird one so far.

Woke up this morning with so many thoughts in my head which included gambling.

I started thinking of ideas as to what I can do to get back into it.

Then I stopped myself fortunately before placing a online casino bet.

This disease is a beast to handle, but I have to be better and it always starts with my mindset.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by astrofly21.

[astrofly21]

At day 15 now – a lot of triggers throughout the day – somehow I made it through, but I was really close to breaking down. I spoke to a good friend and my family though, and that helped keep my mind of things. I read on another forum to ask yourself in these types of situations – “and then what”? You can predict what the future consequences will lead to, right back to the hole that you started with. I don’t want that.

[astrofly21]

Hi there Kin – you do speak the truth in your words! All started with a harmless thought- “this will not be a problem”, “I can control this”, “I am better now”. What has it really given me? A bigger setback. I am getting older each day, and this cannot be the memories that i carry into the next century. I know that this is not me, and I need to put in a better effort in rediscovering my non gambling self.

I have the links for the zoom meetings, and have been listening to some testimonials transcripts on other peoples experiences. I know this is an early day as its my day two (which is all too familiar to me). I am familiar with that feeling that I want to change, but what I need to do is be in touch with this feeling throughout the upcoming days. Keep that energy, and drive towards fixing myself. I need to continue this momentum so that I can truly make it work (not just some lip service – I need to believe it in it). It needs to be a dedicated process, and a promise that I do not break.

Thank you again for writing to me – I really appreciate it.

[Author]

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