24 January 2013 at 10:20 pm #2032velvetModerator
It was good to see you again – sorry we were cut off. This is the post I told you I had written back on the 16th Jan.
Recognising that enabling is not all about money is so important. We can know that financially enabling a CG will definitely feed the addiction but knowing the fine line not to cross with emotional reassurance is a whole lot harder to understand.
I read in a recent post written by a CG that everybody deserves a break – in my opinion the non-CG deserves one too and sometimes I think the door has to be shut firmly and finally for there to be any real hope for either the CG or the non-CG.
If circumstances change as a result of that door closing there might be a future rethink but sometimes things move on and there is no going back. You have closed that door and from what you have said it was the right thing for both of you. Allow him the ‘break’ and the cycle goes on.
Keep taking one day at a time; don’t turn your back on opportunities, even if they distance you further from your CG but enjoy your life without the shadow of addiction in it. As you so rightly say he knows where the help is, he knows the drill and he can change. When CGs really do embrace recovery, they change in more ways than just ceasing to throw money down the drain and you may find that you are still poles apart.
I do understand the part that you are struggling. I don’t think it is denial, I think it is a good person struggling with a decision that was really hard to make but based on all you have said it was the right decision.
I am so glad that you came back and wrote that post in our topic forum. You have made the interesting comparison between CG and non-CG. Instead of pleading and trying to love your CG into recovery you have done something different and in doing so you have shown the most amazing strength and love. You have loved him enough to do what you wanted him to do – you have let go.
Along with you, I wish your CG all the best. To recognise that it was your need that kept you in your relationship is brave. My CG, in recovery, said that the F&F ‘need’ is not the need of the CG. We can think, till the cows come home, that we can make things happen without us changing but recognising our behaviour as possibly being contributory to the addiction, to me, is one of the biggest steps we ever take.
4 February 2013 at 5:44 am #2033sosadParticipant
Hi Other Girl,
I too want to thank you for your post in the F & F topic forum. It really hits home for me right now. I admire your strength.
I feel very close to having had enough, but not quite there yet it seems, and also feel very foolish for not being strong enough to just walk away when nothing seems to be changing. There always seems to be something that keeps me hooked in wondering if this is the time it will change.
I have thought alot about whether I am being selfish by staying. Am I preventing him from figuring it out for himself because I am always there? I am an easy person to blame for things and also provide some connection to a future that so far is just a fantasy – a comforting thing perhaps. I am still trying to understand it all and pull out what are my own errors for myself and for him and to make my own changes despite what he might be doing.
THank you again, your post gave me much to think about.
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