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      Last week I was faced with a situation I had been dreading. My relapses had lead me to do shameful and desperate things. I attacked my fathers money box with a pair of tweezers. This sick feeling smoothers my stomach just reliving those moments of sheer stupidity. This led me to taking out all the notes he had in his money box over a period of my time. Of course like all other "cg’s" we have good intentions and my intention was to pay dad back before he found out. But he noticed someone was tampering with his money box and knew that it was me. I ended up confessing and telling dad all about my relapses. Dad was not impressed but seemed to have handled it well, so I thought. I also confessed to my mum what I had done and she said she would help me out by putting some notes in his money box. I was grateful and relieved that she would do that. Lastnight dad got into a conversation with me and he was explaining to me that he was under the impression that I had no money. Im not too sure where he was when I was originally telling him about cg but i ended up retelling the story. Now today dad tells me he opened the money box and he was angry I had taken all the notes. Although I told him I had originally. And he continued to tell me that the only notes there was were the one that his wife had put in. Now I dont know why my mum would confess that to him other than to make herself look good(as usual). But she betrayed me, she always betrays me. I am sick of her false sense of security, if I cant be safe with my own mum than I am in trobule.
      Anyway dads told me that he wants me to feel the pain of what I have done. And that I wasnt a christian and blah blah blah….you know cg is only a part of me. It doesnt define us! So here I am in another financially straining situation. My registration and insurance are due in over a fortnight and I know now dad wont help. Hes punishment is to make me "wear the costs". I don’t blame him and I personally don’t think this isnt going to make me stronger or more determined. It just reflects to me the grace and the love my parents lack towards me. This is why I never wanted them to know not only because of the shame but because of the hurtful things they would continue to believe about me. Its like we arent punished enough. We all hate and degrade ourselves for what we have done. And yes we need to pay the price for what we have done and but how much have we already paid?
      Tonight I am seeing a lady who does deep healing ministry. And we are going to explore the possible things in my life that have led me to gamble and to find what I am escaping from. I want to make sure I dead bolt that close door and no one can open it, not even me.
      Well thats the latest, not that interesting. I just need to vent even though I shouldnt be suprised at his reaction. I just thought perhaps I would get some credit for honesty, for opening up. Yes my confession was forced and I had no choice but I still confessed.
       Only a fool plays a fools game

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