21 November 2012 at 6:11 pm #11944roywParticipant
I’ve posted this on another site also, I hope that is OK to do. I’m simply trying to extract help by every possible means.
It hit me after writing an email this morning to a fellow CG, and opening up in such depth, that as much babbling as I do on the forums, I never actually started a daily thread. I honestly didn’t know how to put the feelings into words until i reviewed that email. I don’t know the rules for ‘calling people out’, so I’ll simply say thank you and leave it at that. It will undoubtably be understood.
Well, I don’t really know where to start here. I suppose I should be open and honest from the start, do things RIGHT for once in my life. Although my actions were 100% fueled by compulsive gambling, I should tell you that (atleast in society’s view) my actions make me a terrible person. I know that you, and other CGs, would “understand”, but that doesn’t change the facts. Some CGs hit their ‘rock bottom’ when they simply max out their credit lines, and run out of funds to gamble. Although, yes, this is terrible, it is by no means illegal. Maybe they blow the rent money and have to take to the streets. I’m no stranger to the streets, I’ve been there so many times because of gambling that it doesn’t even phase me anymore (I’m by no means trying to make comparisons, I’m simply trying to portray the depths of my compulsive gambling). I’ve done far, far worse…
-At this moment I’m sitting on alot of money on bounced checks. I don’t know if thats a big deal where you may reside, but it is here in the US. Meaning writing a bank check for cash at local merchants, and the bank sending it back to them unpaid from insufficient funds. It’s stealing, and it’s the way our laws look at it.
-I watch my father’s house for him, as he is away about 7 out of 8 weeks (in another state with his girlfriend). He is due back next weekend, and every single thing of value in that house is at that pawn shop, and I doubt very seriously I’ll be able to get them back in time (if you are unfamiliar with pawn shops, they basically give you a loan against things of value, TVs etc, and hold the mechandise until repayment). Also, the majority of the bounced checks are there, so even if I DID find the money to get his things back, I’m fairly sure they would want the money for the checks FIRST, then allow me to redeem the merchandise.
Those were just 2 examples, I’d fill up 50 screens listing everything. It was the classic “chasing” scenario…keep doing it until the ‘big win’ comes, then pay for it all. Of course, I had MORE THAN ONE big win, even during the last month, that would’ve taken care of all that, but naturally that only kept me at the casino that much longer that day. Same ole story…
I guess my biggest, I don’t know, “depressant” here is that there is (almost) no chance of covering this time. It’s going to hit the fan. I suppose that was inevitable, eventually. EVERY person I consider important in some way, shape, or form in life has put me to the ultimatum LAST time I dug a hole…”Get the help you need, and you are forgiven, but this is the LAST time, if it happens again we’re done with you”. And they mean it, I can read people in seconds. I suppose years of playing poker professionally actually gave me ONE good skill…
That being said, I know what needs to be done, and I know what the effects will be. It’s very hard to admit, being the whole die-hard soldier type, I’m scared sh*tless. More for the effects that this will have on people I care about than myself. I mean, yes, I know life will go on, I know treatment will work, and I know I can stop gambling through it. I AM taking the steps. BUT, life will be permanently changed, and not just on the nongambling side. Alot of bridges will be burnt. Most of these people I’ve known for a very long time, and I know the chance of ‘making ammends’ later will have about as much chance of a million dollar hit on a penny slot.
You have to understand that this fear is emotionally very new to me. Naturally, being retired military, I’ve seen so much death and destruction (real world, not some overly dramatic figuratively speaking kind of thing) that fear has long since left me. In combat, such things simply don’t have the space to exist. Fear in combat simply buys you a pine box and a flag to drape over it.
Aaaanyway, my point here is that I’m having alot of problems dealing with this fear. How a person can just laugh at the face of death in combat, yet be paralyzed by the thought of ‘just owing money and having some people mad at them’ is beyond me. I’m often accused of my mind being way too logical and far too low emotionally, so maybe thats it. In the end its not relevant I suppose, it is what it is.
I guess I’ll stop there, as I’m feeling so many things I haven’t felt in so many years right now, that I’m likely to start babbling and not making much sense.
Thank you for listening.
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