Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum My Journal Scared and feeling Hopeless

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  • #9382
    cheska03
    Participant

    Hi, I am Cheska and I am 23 years old. We don’t have a support group like this in our country but I still would like to share my story hoping for advice and insights regarding what I am going through. I started gambling at the age of 22, as I accompanied my friend to a nearby casino for his birthday. He introduced me to slot machine and casino wars. But I first got hooked to Sic Bo. I only spent worth 10usd that day. It was nothing to me because I knew that gambling is a risk and it is not sure money. The next time we went I spent worth 30usd and we still lost. The third time, I tried going alone. I went alone to the casino and I have worth 100usd with me.
    I played bacarrat and I immediately won 400usd. I was so overwhelmed I went home after that. A month went by and I accumulated 3600usd worth of winnings. I started feeling that I can win a lot if I kept doing it but as time passes by winning was getting harder. Until I eventually lost all my wins and I started using my savings and having debts. Lying to my family and friends in order to have money for gambling because in my mind I wanted to win it all back. I told myself ill just get the money I lost, im not going for the 3600usd win anymore. I just wanted to pay the debts I had. I started pawning my gadgets and stealing money from my family and friends bank account. I wanted to stop but I can’t because I was so scared to tell anyone about it. Until one day I was on a dead end. I used the money my sister was supposed to pay with her credit card and I had to admit I gambled it away because she will eventually find out. She was supportive to me at first, she was very understanding and all. But all I admitted was SOME of my debts. I didnt tell her all of it because I was scared. So again I went back to gambling so that I could pay some of my remaining debts. Again I lost and it happend 3 more times.
    I was very sad and very scared but I admitted it again to her and my siblings. AGAIN, I still didn;t tell her about all of my debts I just added some. My mom is a cancer survivor and they are scared to tell her about my situation to avoid her being stressed and all since my mom has a tendency to over react and get mad a LOT. I am still studying by the way. Since then I stopped going to the casino. They got my credit card, casino id, and monitored me very well. But after my OJT, i had an allowance from it and I gambled again. I started pawning my gadgets again and stealing money from my mom’s bank account.
    I am so sad. A month ago I finally accepted that I will never win back what I lost from gambling. I finally admitted to myself that I was lost and the only way to move on was stop this and tell the truth to my family. But I am so so scared. This time I really know it is real that I want to stop. I want to ban myself from the casino and I really want continue my studies so I could work hard and pay the debts that I had put on the shoulders of my family. But I dont know where to start. Im so scared of telling my siblings and mom that I had done it again but this time Ill stop for real. Im scared that they wont believe me. Im scared of telling my mom that I am not that good child she thought I am. All I feel right now is that I am a failure. I was born to bring problems to them, I am irresponsible. I wouldnt get a good job because I wasted a good college and had bad grades. I am afraid to tell my family that I can’t fulfill their dreams for me. I dont have any fighting spirit left.
    Will they understand me even if I have done it a lot of times already? I really know this time I had enough.
    Can my family forgive me? I think all my debts have accumulated to worth 10,000usd.
    They say I am young, and it is just money. We can still earn it back. But I dont know if i can still move on.
    For me, I think what I did was unforgiveable. I lied, cheated, and stole from my loved ones.
    Of course I sometimes think of dying. But I dont want to leave the burden to them.
    All I want right now is to leave. Be alone. Stop school. Work. Pay the debts. And come back to them when I am okay
    and I have some dignity back.
    Right now I am just so scared.. 🙁

    #9383
    charles
    Moderator

    Hi Cheska, A Warm Welcome to Gambling Therapy
    Having found us you have also found a diverse community who can help and support you on your recovery journey.
    Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and non-judgemental environment and by reading others stories am sure you will see that you are very much not alone in this addiction
    Please click here to see our services page, feel free to use all that this site can offer…
    To chat with others in real time you may wish to make use of the support groups, the ***** of these groups are advertised under "What’s on and When" or click here to see the weekly group schedule.
    For one to one chat you may want to try the live advice helpline. Click "connect" when these options become available.
    Also to say when you registered we would have sent you an email with an attachment, this attachment will help you navigate the site and find the support you so rightly deserve, alternatively this guide can be downloaded by clicking here.
    Take Care
    The Gambling Therapy Team

    #9384
    charles
    Moderator

    Well done on making this first step Cheska, you will find a lot of support here.  If you are scared that your family won’t believe you then don’t just use words this time.  Show them by your actions how serious you are.  Actions like showing them this site, getting banned from the casino.  Make yourself accountable for money, your family can help with that.  You need to be totally honest though, keeping just one debt secret can in itself send someone back gambling.  I see there is a Gamblers Anonymous meeting in the Phillipines, if possible then get to that as well. 
    Keep posting here and tell us of the positive actions you are taking.
    Again, well done on taking this first step.

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