Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum My Journal Scared and feeling Hopeless

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    cheska03
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    Hi, I am Cheska and I am 23 years old. We don’t have a support group like this in our country but I still would like to share my story hoping for advice and insights regarding what I am going through. I started gambling at the age of 22, as I accompanied my friend to a nearby casino for his birthday. He introduced me to slot machine and casino wars. But I first got hooked to Sic Bo. I only spent worth 10usd that day. It was nothing to me because I knew that gambling is a risk and it is not sure money. The next time we went I spent worth 30usd and we still lost. The third time, I tried going alone. I went alone to the casino and I have worth 100usd with me.
    I played bacarrat and I immediately won 400usd. I was so overwhelmed I went home after that. A month went by and I accumulated 3600usd worth of winnings. I started feeling that I can win a lot if I kept doing it but as time passes by winning was getting harder. Until I eventually lost all my wins and I started using my savings and having debts. Lying to my family and friends in order to have money for gambling because in my mind I wanted to win it all back. I told myself ill just get the money I lost, im not going for the 3600usd win anymore. I just wanted to pay the debts I had. I started pawning my gadgets and stealing money from my family and friends bank account. I wanted to stop but I can’t because I was so scared to tell anyone about it. Until one day I was on a dead end. I used the money my sister was supposed to pay with her credit card and I had to admit I gambled it away because she will eventually find out. She was supportive to me at first, she was very understanding and all. But all I admitted was SOME of my debts. I didnt tell her all of it because I was scared. So again I went back to gambling so that I could pay some of my remaining debts. Again I lost and it happend 3 more times.
    I was very sad and very scared but I admitted it again to her and my siblings. AGAIN, I still didn;t tell her about all of my debts I just added some. My mom is a cancer survivor and they are scared to tell her about my situation to avoid her being stressed and all since my mom has a tendency to over react and get mad a LOT. I am still studying by the way. Since then I stopped going to the casino. They got my credit card, casino id, and monitored me very well. But after my OJT, i had an allowance from it and I gambled again. I started pawning my gadgets again and stealing money from my mom’s bank account.
    I am so sad. A month ago I finally accepted that I will never win back what I lost from gambling. I finally admitted to myself that I was lost and the only way to move on was stop this and tell the truth to my family. But I am so so scared. This time I really know it is real that I want to stop. I want to ban myself from the casino and I really want continue my studies so I could work hard and pay the debts that I had put on the shoulders of my family. But I dont know where to start. Im so scared of telling my siblings and mom that I had done it again but this time Ill stop for real. Im scared that they wont believe me. Im scared of telling my mom that I am not that good child she thought I am. All I feel right now is that I am a failure. I was born to bring problems to them, I am irresponsible. I wouldnt get a good job because I wasted a good college and had bad grades. I am afraid to tell my family that I can’t fulfill their dreams for me. I dont have any fighting spirit left.
    Will they understand me even if I have done it a lot of times already? I really know this time I had enough.
    Can my family forgive me? I think all my debts have accumulated to worth 10,000usd.
    They say I am young, and it is just money. We can still earn it back. But I dont know if i can still move on.
    For me, I think what I did was unforgiveable. I lied, cheated, and stole from my loved ones.
    Of course I sometimes think of dying. But I dont want to leave the burden to them.
    All I want right now is to leave. Be alone. Stop school. Work. Pay the debts. And come back to them when I am okay
    and I have some dignity back.
    Right now I am just so scared.. :(– 7/11/2013 4:36:19 PM: post edited by cheska03.

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