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    • #2216
      berber
      Participant

      Hi y’all,
      First I want to start off by saying something positive: I love my husband very much, he is – in many ways – the ideal guy for me and a great father. However…
      After reading Emmy’s thread “How did you make it through the first few days/weeks?” I could really relate. My husband whom I got married to 6 months ago, is a CG – which I only found out recently. He does not ‘gamble’ – he says – but he strategically/tactically places bets on online football websites for (of course) huge amounts of money.
      He admitted to me, that he ‘only’ bets on weekends, but actually – I keep finding out more and more. He hides/tears up receipts he buys at the gasstation (PayPal or something), that he uses to gamble. He spends over 50% of his paycheck on online betting. In retrospect, during our honeymoon and other vacations: he always HAD to use the internet. Whether we were on a paradise beach in Cuba or at a SPA resort elsewhere… now I understand why. He is spending money we do not have.
      Since 1 month we are parents to our first child. I found out that he keeps up the betting/gambling. In the mornings/middle of the night, whenever he thinks I do not know. He keeps lying and hiding it. Whenever I tell him off – or we argue, the ‘beast’ appears (like Velvet put it in one post) and he turns into this mean manipulative person.
      He says that I can NEVER tell anyone about his CG but I feel that I must speak to someone. Also, I believe his parents know about it (he’s 35) because his mother said to me, at the wedding: ‘well, you must handle things from now on’ (I had no clue at the time that they were hiding this big secret from me!) and I found a printed e-mail from his mother with addresses+phone numbers of therapists who specialize in CG.
      I am still shocked by all that I keep discovering every day and I go through so many emotions… maybe also part of the hormones (post pregnancy) … it’s just so overwhelming I have so many thoughts and so much to say that I can’t even express it.
      Looking forward to your comments.
      *Berber*

    • #2217
      velvet
      Moderator

       
      Hi B
      I am glad you are back with us.  
      You are right of course that the amount your hb gambled matters not.   As long as a CG gambles the damage to the mind continues.   If he is ‘thinking about it’ that has to be better than not thinking about it at all. I hope to hear he does more than just think about it soon.
      A good thread to read has recently been brought up to the top of the CG forum ‘My Journal’ – entitled ‘Anniversary’ by Colin in Brum. I think Colin’s post is worth translating for your hb.  
      It looks like we are leaving mother-in-law until we are in a group – pity about her denial.   I think it is possible sometimes for parents to accept addiction and then later to deny it when they have wearied of it. I have certainly seen it with my friends and their obviously ********* daughter.   They no longer communicate with me although at the beginning they couldn’t get enough information and support.   It is their daughter I feel the most sorry for – their subsequent denial is doing her a great deal of damage.
      I look forward to welcoming you into a group soon but in the meantime it is good that you are back with us on the forum
      V
       
       

    • #2218
      berber
      Participant

      Again, bets have been placed: money is gone. I found out that my MIL is only in denial towards me, as she told my FIL how I brought up the topic without her son, my hb, the CG, being present and that it’s so disrespectful of me towards my hb to talk behind his back. I feel so stabbed in my back, it’s unbelievable. But it’s comforting to read the forum that I am not alone. Thanks for your support, all!

    • #2219
      velvet
      Moderator

       
       
      Hi B
      Well done hb. You could be right that his addiction has been the most divisive part of your relationship with his parents – but as parents in denial of their part of enablement I think you need to keep your barriers up.  
      I know from friends that they hope that by ignoring their daughter’s addiction is will go away – in fact it doesn’t exist does it!    They appear (on the surface) to be happily standing by, watching her with her new man because you never know perhaps it will be different this time!    Unfortunately when she does go home there is always a bottle or two cracked open to celebrate and their daughter is an *********.   Naïve to the nth degree but sadly, I think, not uncommon – they couldn’t see that they had to change. When I talk to the mother she tells me all the wonderful things her daughter is achieving – all told to her by her daughter, I just want to get away because I am sadly aware the daughter’s alcoholism is active and they are hurting her by not offering a safe haven that she can trust – she cannot talk to ‘them’.   I was the one they turned to when they first found out their daughter had the problem, although they didn’t know that I had any idea about addiction. When I told them I had knowledge, they cried with relief and we spent hours together talking about how and why.   Since that night it has never been mentioned again – in fact the conversation is strictly taboo and she never asks about my CG.
      I am looking forward to hearing how your conversation went yesterday.   I am hoping that it was calm and that your husband and you got the support you both need.  
      I suspect that whatever happens you will still need to keep a close eye on his mother, her controlling ways will be hard for her to change and she may think – why should she change when she has done nothing wrong, which is the hardest thing of all to accept.  
      I know you must be very proud of him but it is important not to over-praise. I learned this from my CG.   He said that ‘praising him for doing the right and decent thing was not right – other people didn’t get praise for being ‘normal’. Praise comes in a different form I think with a CG – it comes in them realising that they can trust us and I know it hard for them to do so. 
      I like the fact his mother showed concern for you because you deserve it.   It will be good to hear that in the cold light of another day they have accepted what they have been told and are acting appropriately.
      Your FIL is one of a string of people I have heard say ‘I’ve always gambled but never had a problem’ and I always want to say ‘how jolly good you – unfortunately it is not so easy for others’. The friends I mentioned above like a drink, in fact quite a lot, so why can’t their daughter stop like they do?   It is a long haul I think for those who love a CG to realise that unwittingly they could have enabled the problem and not been responsible.   With knowledge, in my opinion, we owe it to a loved one to look at our own behaviour without thinking it is just them that has to change.  
      I hope all is well
      V
            

    • #2220
      berber
      Participant

      They never came ’round yesterday. We didn’t discuss anything and my mil+fil are in denial. I don’t think they really care about my family, or even in getting their son help. Ignorance?

    • #2221
      velvet
      Moderator

      Dear B
      Disappointed but I guess not surprised.  He attempted to open their eyes but they chose to keep them shut – what an opportunity they had!   
      In Gamanon I met a couple who couldn’t get their heads round that they were not helping their son and they were back for their 6th year even though they had been given all the knowledge over and over again.  I had no idea (or hope) that my CG would or could change at that time but I listened and opened my eyes so when he did talk I was able to understand so much more and most importantly to listen to what he said.  
      You are a positive in your husband’s life – you are the one he can trust.   Parental feelings are not always unconditional love but …………….. maybe they need more time to think
      V

    • #2222
      monique
      Participant

      Dear Berber.
      I am sorry you are not seeing the right attitude in your parents-in-law, but I hope you and your husband can stay strong and united in the endeavour to see him into true recovery.
      I wish you all good things and the resilience to keep going in the best way for you and your family.
      Best wishes, Monique.Keep hope alive.

    • #2223
      berber
      Participant

      We are getting closer to getting my hb into rehab. I’m pushing him and it’s costing me a lot of energy! I do believe that it will be worth the effort though. Next week we are going to see the counselor to finalize things and sign contracts and I will be able to ask all the questions I have about the whole procedure.
      Then, hopefully within 3 weeks he will travel to SA for the 9 week program. It is a big deal, a huge step and I can tell he is afraid – however, he still vocalizes that he is willing to go. My family supports him (us) and our giggling baby will benefit from this.
      I’ll be with you in cyberspace this evening for the serenity prayer! My love to all XOXOX

    • #2224
      velvet
      Moderator

       
      Dear B
      I know this will be costing you energy.  You may be surprised at your reaction when he goes – you could feel flat – i think it is the nervous energy being released to make way for good vibes – which will come.   Be prepared for some bad behaviour between now and departure time but keep doing all you have been doing – you will have a nine weeks peace and in that time you will recover.
      He will be terrified – CGs do not like the unknown – actually I suppose we don’t either!   I am glad he is still saying he wants to go and really pleased that your family and the giggling baby are behind him.   Let him know you are aware that he is doing this for all of you and that you will be alright although you will miss him
      One thing I think it would be good to talk about before he goes, is the amount of communication there will be between you if they allow phones and mobiles. My CG was not allowed a mobile and we had no contact for 6 months.   It gave him and me the freedom to really work on ourselves.   I used to phone once a week just to make sure he was still there. I know that mobiles and phones are allowed in some rehabs. It would be a good idea, I think, if you talk about how much contact you want before he goes.   In my opinion the less the better – it stops the questioning and allows you both to get on with what is important for both of you – a gamble-free life.   Recovery is selfish – has to be.   I’m not sure how you broach this subject but I think it is easier before he goes because discussions on phones when you can’t see each other are more difficult.
      I am only going to do the Serenity prayer at the end of Tuesday’s group, at the moment but knowing you were there we did it last night too – specially for you. 
      I am glad things seem to be moving forward
      V
       

    • #2225
      ell
      Participant

      ***** berber,
      I m reading your post and I need to say berber , you are so close now, you can do it , I  understand that this costs you a lot of  energy but please don’t break now…Try to find all your power and the rights attitudes and words for your cg …Your birth time is coming 2-3 weeks more and then everything is possible to happen. You are in my thoughts , with all my love, ell
       

    • #2226
      berber
      Participant

      Dear friends,
      A lot has happened the past two days and I don’t know where to begin. My parents in-law came by to visit us yesterday and, with the elephant in the living room, the chit-chat about the weather made me tremble and anxious. Finally, *I* brought up the subject. 
      My hb (CG), MIL and FIL were sitting there and I said "Please, let us discuss the journey that your son will be going on soon". I had everyone’s attention and we took it from there – a lot was said and needless to say we were all super-tired afterwards. I hope to elaborate on chat.
      Nutshell: His parents *do* support our decision to work on this and also him travelling to SA. Today we (my hb and I) went to sign the contracts with the rehab facility he will be travelling to in a few weeks – we feel confident this is a good move.
      I’m feeling really low on energy (bad night’s sleep, accusations from CG yesterday and today) but you, my GT friends, are lifting me up. Hope to still be awake in an hour and a half to chat. HUGS ***

    • #2227
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi B
      It was great to get the elaboration.
      Hope you had a better night’s sleep
      V Velvet

    • #2228
      berber
      Participant

      CG’s departure date for his treatment is rapidly approaching and we’re experiencing different emotions. On one hand I’m a bit anxious – although I’ve prepared his suitcase and documents for him, it’s a big step. He, on the other hand, seems at peace now to be going. I can tell that he is very self-absorbed, more than usual. It’s irritating because I could use a hand every now and then.
      Anyway, the other day his parents came over and we spoke about his departure. Some silly things were said – his parents keep thinking that he can control his addiction perfectly fine. But, during the conversation he gave me the biggest compliment I’ve had in a looooong time by saying to his father […] ‘I’m happy that I have a wife who does not back-off and pushes me to become a better person’ […]
       I guess my nagging is not always annoying him.
      XOXO

    • #2229
      nomore 56
      Participant

      Hi Berber, I read your post and I love how you express ur emotions with the smileys! From my own experience it is very normal how your cg reacts I think. It must be very scary for him since he does not really know what to expect. And I also think that part of the anxiety has to do with losing the “crutch” of gambling emotions and problems away. There will be a gap to be filled with new stuff, which is at this point still unknown. The same goes for you. Things will be different, at least during the time he is gone. And hopefully different in a positive way when he returns. The relationship will change for both of you. And there might be the fear on your part that it will not work, at least that was the case for me. Just wondering, why did YOU pack the suitcase and prepare the documents? The compliment he paid you sure was great! Enjoy it, you worked hard for it! As for his parents, addiction is a family disease and they might also be a little afraid of what is coming after treatment. I know loads of people who still think that cg is a behavioral problem and can be overcome by willpower and just not doing it. They will come around. My hb’s family knew more about his gambling than I did for many years. They distanced themselves from him over the years and have only lately grasped how very different he is as a person now in recovery. I wish you well, both of you. When the day of departure comes, do something nice for yourself and take a deep breath, or 2, or 15….And you are not nagging, you are doing the right thing. 🙂

    • #2230
      velvet
      Moderator

       
       
      Dear B
      I have been thinking about you and know that your feelings will be all over the place.   I look forward to speaking to you soon.
      I did not wonder why you packed his suitcase and prepared his documents – in my opinion you did exactly the right thing.
      It is important to look after yourself when a loved one is in rehab. This time apart is great for you to find yourself, regain lost confidence and self-esteem and solidify your determination not to live in the shadow of the addiction to gamble – it works miracles.   When you are reunited you will both benefit from the effort of the other. 
      I know you will be in a group soon so I will await your update with anticipation.   As far as his parents go – make your decisions on what is right for you and your child during this precious time, as soon as possible. As a controller, his mother will be very determined but I believe that the terrific Berber, who has stood up to her husband’s addiction is a match for her.   Putting yourself first, isn’t selfish, it is the right thing to do with this addiction.   You have shown your love for your husband by being strong.   He seems to have recognised your real support, in the strength you showed, even before he went away, which is hopefully the wonderful sign that the green shoots of recovery have taken root and are ready to flourish.
      Parents do not always come around – some are too fixed and remain blind.   If they force choices upon you, your husband in recovery, will know what to do because he will have learned that, in control of an addiction, he has a choice too. 
      Speak soon
      V
        
       

    • #2231
      berber
      Participant

      Thanks to the support I got on this website my hb is now in an in-house treatment facility far far away. ***** be there for over 2 months and I’m feeling many emotions: Happiness: that he’s gotten help, hope: for a brighter future, sadness: I miss him, insecurity: will treatment help?..and many more as it will be a rollercoaster ride.
      Making sure he caught the plane was a challenge in itself, he was procrastinating-really bad. But it’s now water under the bridge and he made it there, i assume. Have a good wknd all!

    • #2232
      monique
      Participant

      Dear Berber
      Just to say I have been thinking of you often as you moved towards this time.  It is good your husband has now got to the treatment centre and I hope things will go well for him and his recovery.
      Meanwhile, I also wish you well as you face this period of separation.  I am sure you have the wisdom and resources and also support from others to use the time fruitfully and that you will be strong for the days, weeks and months ahead.  I do not underestimate the difficulties you face, but have confidence that you will get through and see a better future.
      Love, MoniqueKeep hope alive.

    • #2233
      berber
      Participant

      So, he’s had his 1st week of treatment: 8 more weeks to go. I spoke to him on the phone and he is already a lot more insightful than when he had just arrived. I’m not being fooled as I’m quite aware of a looong road ahead. He is doing fine but misses us, looks at thephotos i gave him often, and said how much he loves me. It’s good to hear! Today I missed him too, just him-not the addiction. This week I’ll speak to MiL and FiL..will be interesting to see if they have new insights too,but I won’t get my hopes up. X

    • #2234
      velvet
      Moderator

       
      Hi B
      You are being incredibly insightful yourself – your hb will benefit from it.
      The leap from being controlled by the addiction to gamble, to controlling it, is tremendous.   Those who love someone who is prepared to take that leap want more than anything to see the change and in that desire; things that should be noted and dealt with can be overlooked. It seems to me your eyes are wide open and this could not be better for your husband.   He ***** you to be strong and aware.    Your desire and ***** will not be the deciding factor – his desire and ***** and what he takes from this opportunity to change, will be down to him although your strong support will be invaluable if he chooses to live gamble-free.
      I will hope along with you that his parents remove their blinkers but from all you have said I think you are wise not to raise your hopes.   There is none so blind as he (she) who will not see.
      I know I will see you soon in a group soon – I just wanted to say hi and let you know I was following proceedings with more than a passing interest.  
      Zoals altijd met zorg en liefde
      Velvet
       

    • #2235
      berber
      Participant

      Dear Velvet and Jenny46,
      You have really voiced my feelings and understand my situation very well. That comforts me .The lack of communication really is beneficial (but also incredibly hard) and I got a nice again last night. Perhaps we will speak again this week, but it’s obvious to me now that he’s on a different wavelength/level at this moment. Yes, selfish as never before, only focussing on himself: but I understand it is best that way now. I am looking forward to his return but before that I’ll try and get myself as balanced and relaxed as possible too. Thanks for the advice Jenny! Hard work is better than letting the addiction thrive, in any case and I’m looking forward to taking the bull by the horns – especially with all your support, I know we can do it!

    • #2236
      velvet
      Moderator

       
      Hi B
      Another email to treasure – remember he is ‘thinking’ when he writes them.
      Last time we were in a group you mentioned something relating to his selfishness and I didn’t know the answer. I won’t write anything here as it was just between you and me but I do have an answer for you and hope to see you in a group soon.  
      I know you can do it too – and we will be here as long as you need us.  
      I found the lack of communication incredibly hard at first – you can’t help wondering what is going on.   I now know that what was going on was him working on himself without distraction.   You are completely right saying he is on a different wavelength at the moment and I think when the outside world buts in that wavelength can go up or down. 
      Keep getting balanced and relaxed – I like the sound of both.  
      Speak soon
      V

    • #2237
      adele
      Participant

      Hi Berber –
      It was good to meet you in Group the other night.  I can only imagine the emotional ups and downs you must be going thru as your husband is in Rehab….
      I am going to follow your thread closely and each time I read it I’m going to squint one eye really hard at the screen and shoot Good Mojo at you!  (this is me squirting Good Mojo – I love these little things don’t you?)
      Be brave Miss Berber, and remember – God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. (I have to remind myself of that every day.)
      Adele
      "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there’s nothing there?"  Adele– 5/9/2013 5:25:28 PM: post edited by chasing pavements.

    • #2238
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Hi Berber!
      I am new to the site so I am starting to write my thoughts down but I’m doing more lurking than anything. When I read you initial post one item really caught my eye. You in-laws knew about all of this before you ever met him and your mother-in-law sort of passed his care on to you.
      My HB’s entire family knew and never said a word. My FIL even went so far as asking my HB if he had told me. When he said he had not that was the end of it! In a way my FIL told me at a family function…”I don’t know about that one (referring to my HB) you need to keep your eye on him.”
      I am so angry at his entire family for hiding this for YEARS I can not even be around them. I am angry at the disservice they did to my HB and the disservice they did to me and my children.
      How did you deal with your HB’s family?
      Sorry to barge in on your thread,
      BB

    • #2239
      berber
      Participant

      Dear friends,
      An hour ago-I was fine. Extatic. My hb came back from rehab a changed man. We woke up together this morning, meditated, said the serenity prayer… He’s gone to GA meetings… and showed me some of his process at rehab. He asked me to read his ‘life story’,which makes me sad right now. Sad for him, how things went in his youth and the relationships he has had, but even more sad because I feel hurt. Things had happened that he has not told me before, things I will not write here.. and, on top of everything: the reason he was almost late to his own wedding was because he gambled! I feel soooo hurt, even though he is trying to be a better person now-and every day is a day at a time, I need time and space to feel better. I HATE the addiction! Hate it! Hate it!

    • #2240
      velvet
      Moderator

      Ok B
      Calm down and enjoy your new man – it was another man who gambled before your wedding.   It is common for CGs to not turn up for the birth of their child because they are gambling – it is common for active CGs to lack empathy.
      Don’t let this spoil his homecoming or all your dreams.  it is time to let go of the past.
      Nothing you would write would surprise me – even if I heard his whole story — he has had the courage to face his addiction. 
      He has trusted you by telling you how bad he has been – he will need you to move forward with him
      V
       

    • #2241
      nomore 56
      Participant

      I can’t help it, I have to write something now. Cg is considered an “Impulse control personality disorder” here in the US. It is described in the DSM IV (Diagnostic Statistical Manual) with signs and symptoms. The new DSM V is coming out soon (or did it already, I’m not sure) and to my knowledge CG will be included now as an individual disorder/addiction and not under the Impulse control umbrella. Just FYI.
      Wishing you guys the best always.

    • #2242
      berber
      Participant

      Hi!
      Thanks a lot for your understanding and kind words. Today I am feeling full of energy again, the baby and I went swimming which was a blast! Haha – wish I could post a photo of how he was splashing in the water, super cute.
      My hb couldn’t join the fun, as he had a session with his counselor. Besides the counseling he faithfully goes to GA/NA meetings 6 evenings a week (except tonight, he’s staying home with BabyBerber so I can go out for dinner!) which is more than any of his fellow-rehab people do. He is very much in touch with those people, talks to someone from rehab just about every day on the phone. It is a complete transformation, as he doesn’t have (m)any friends and now feels accepted and I guess respected. Next week I am invited to come and speak to the counselor too, uhoh – feels like I’m called in for detention – not sure why, but if it helps us open up and have a dialogue with a professional there, I’ll be happy to try it.
      In answer to your suggestion Monique, we do talk when the baby is asleep. In the evenings usually and things can go quite profound, however the other day he told me quite clearly that there is no space for my feelings in his recovery process. Literally he said: I don’t care how you feel, I can only think of myself now! Although I get that, he did ask me how I felt so: uhm, ≈why ask me in the first place?≈
      I love those quotes, about happiness – it feels good to pause for a moment and realize that any negative thoughts in my head can be replaced with my own brainpower, just have to train my brain really hard some days
      Adele: yes, I have come really far. Thank you! So has my husband, but since it’s my thread I can proudly say that I’ve grown so much since my first post. Wow, from insecure and super-naive to not-so-naive and strong/less insecure!
      His parents seem to have backed off a bit and my hb does not always have his phone or computer near him (which is new!) and the distance is doing everyone good. My MIL seems willing to help us wherever she can (genuinely), seems interested, even asked me if I eat enough (yes yes, I lost so much weight but doing my best to gain again!). I will always beware, but hey.
      Today we can smile at eachother again and to our little boy as always, he shows us God exists and we have been brought together for a reason.
      Love,
      Berber

    • #2243
      velvet
      Moderator

      Dear B
      Please, please do not get stuck into the semantics of the addiction to gamble – you have lived with it and you are now living with a man who is newly out of rehab.   Leave the psycho-babble to others.   It often crops up on the site, in both forums, goes round and round in circles and gets nowhere – let those who want to study it unemotionally give it names.   What is professionally believed today can change tomorrow – what you have lived was reality and whatever name it is given it still hurt just the same.  
      I went through the stage of wanting to make sense of the senseless.   I was fortunately that my CG was on hand to tell me to leave it alone.    It is how it affects us and what we do about it that ****** – not what it is called.   
      I started off going to reply to your penultimate post but your latest post rather negates the one before.  
      I think your conversation where he says he doesn’t care how you feel, ending up with him asking you how you feel if actually very good.   He did start off his ‘change’ process with no space for your feelings but you have talked about it and his honesty was great.   However, having been honest he then asked you how you did feel.   That to me is him moving a bit further into becoming empathetic, an emotion he has not felt before.   He didn’t ask you in the ‘first’ place – he asked you when he had thought about it, when a new though had been pointed out to him on his road of discovery.  
      There will be many ***** when you will feel, I think, that he has no thought for your feelings – ***** when he has to tighten up on his control.  Betwixt ***** though he will gradually move forward – there is a lot for him to learn.
      Be honest with yourself – are you willing to take intelligent risks in order to succeed? would it really matter if baby Berber cried a bit more when he was left with his Dad for a time?   My daughter always freaked out that her husband didn’t put his son’s coat on when it was cold – he grew up fine and strong but it caused terrific rows between them.     You have had a period of time alone with baby B and daddy B has some catching up to do – lots to learn.  Sorry if this is beginning to sound like Goldilocks?  
      Do you discuss finances with him in a way he can understand, or is it ‘I want a CD?’ – ‘no you can’t there is no money’ (pregnant pause while he is left to work out why).   Brutally it can sound as though the addiction if being chucked up.  Tantrums are not pleasant but they need to be dealt with differently post-rehab.   Stopping gambling does not a perfect person make.   My CG is impetuous and I worried about it post-rehab but when I stopped to think I realised I was too.   He wants things he can’t afford – so do I.   What he learned is that he cannot have everything and to accept it – that is the difference – his desire is still there but I believe that has to be learned.   Perhaps you could talk about something you would like and discuss a time-scale for when you could afford it, so he can see that you impose the same restraints on yourself.
      Your husband missed out on the swimming because he is treating his addiction seriously and you have been out for dinner.   In my view you are both doing well and your ups and downs are natural and to be expected.  
      I am casting about for a quote about happiness – how about this?   With confidence we can be happy with our achievements and optimistic for our future.  
      Keep smiling at each other – there is no greater revenge on the addiction.
      V
       

    • #2244
      berber
      Participant

      Hi,
      The meeting with the counselor was good yesterday. I wish I could talk live time today but babyBerber is keeping me busy (teething). Besides the counselor I also went to an NA meeting with my husband, which was quite interesting. Since there’s no GA meetings in our area we went there, 12 others were present (NA/AA/etc.). What surprised me was that everyone got to ‘share’ whatever they wanted to but nobody received/gave any feedback. Ok, will write more soon or hopefully meet on chat because I feel I need to vent. Husband is still gamble-free, which is .
      Hugs,
      Berber

    • #2245
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi B
      Just a quickie – in the GA/Gamanon group I was involved with, on the evening when we joined forces there was only sharing.   Feedback only occurred when the groups were separate.  I think the privacy of being with those who understood you led to the more honest, blunt approach.   For instance CGs can be judgemental with each other but don’t need non-CGs chipping in and vice versa.  
      Sorry Baby Bear is having a tough time with teething – it must be rotten when those sharp bits force their way through your gums and then be told that visits to the dentist are important to keep them.   
      Hopefully ‘ see’ you soon and you can vent away
      V
       

    • #2246
      berber
      Participant

      Dear friends,
      Yeps V., baby Bear was not happy last night. Hope this evening is a bit calmer. My husband is going to NA/GA meetings 6 evenings per week and we are trying to find a balance so that I don’t feel like a ‘single’ mom with 2 kids. My cg has trouble waking up his brain in the morning and I’m running around doing ‘everything’, fun things he can handle fine with the baby (as he is not yet working) but as soon as there is ‘stress’ I can see he is ready to throw in the towel. Example: at lunch/dinner time, when the baby does not like something/is upset.
      The counselling session was good, 2 days ago. She (the counselor) managed to explain to my husband how important it is to me that he helps more around the house and with our son. She also asked me if I was ‘angry’ – which I am not. I am feeling frustrated, disappointed and hurt sometimes, but ‘angry’ ..well, not with my husband. With the addiction: yes! Of course.
      Also, I had commented earlier that he should clear my name with my inlaws. Inspite of how embarrassed he feels, I know it will make me feel more at peace if he tells them that I did not parasite off of him nor that I ever took any of his money. And, that he has **** for the benefit of his addiction. We got quite emotional and the counselor set a date for the next appointment, which is when my husband has got to have come clean to his parents.
      Since yesterday he found a ‘sponsor’ to help with his recovery. Today my husband asked me if I would ‘do the 12 steps’ together with him. I am hesitant because I don’t want him to ‘lean’ on me since I know I would work hard and seriously on them but I do not want to hold his hand as he ***** to do this himself. Has anyone of you, non-cg’ers, done the 12 steps?
      What was weird, this morning, all of a sudden my husband came downstairs, done with meditating and he hurridly gave me his bankcard: "here, take it. I just had this idea to go and buy a credit-receipt at the gasstation and gamble online in an internetcafé." (We both have gamble blockers on our computers) I had given him his bankcard last night so he could use it for parking, but I always keep close watch. This was a big warning for me to never be complacent.
      Have a good weekend all.
      ***
      B.

    • #2247
      velvet
      Moderator

      Dear B
      I agree 100% that your husband ‘should’ clear your name with your in-laws but an ultimatum that he has ‘got’ to do it by a certain date concerns me.   What if he doesn’t?  It seems to me to be a tremendous pressure on someone so early in recovery.
      Your husband’s behaviour ‘should’ give his parents the knowledge that you want passed on to them.   If it was me (and this is only my opinion) I would give him time and watch for their behaviour to change towards you.   If it doesn’t then I would think your husband has a duty, towards his wife, to talk to his parents but I am concerned he will not have your strength yet.  I hope it is something he can raise with them but I am wary of an ultimatum to do so.
      One of the things I have learned in my recovery is that it is possible to regret speech but never silence.   There have been a couple of issues (not related to my CG but as a result of the addiction in our family life) that have left me seriously distressed.  In my pre-recovery I would have launched in because I don’t like lose ends.   I still don’t like lose ends but with the benefit of hindsight I am finding that those who have distressed me have changed more because of my silence than my speech.  In one instance there has been no closure but the person who caused the distress is working overtime trying to please without giving it, which is harder for them I think.
      I’m not sure how he intends to work the 12 steps with you.   I have done them and I believe they work in a separate recovery – his with GA yours with non-CGs.   I think it would be a one-way traffic from your husband and I am sure that is not right for you.
      The Gamanon 12 steps is the same apart from the 1st step which is altered to    
      1          We admitted we were powerless over the problem in our family.
      To admit our powerlessness over the problems we face gives us a wonderful feeling of release.  We learn we are not responsible for the gambler’s problem.  We cannot stop the gambling, no matter how we try.  We also learned we are not to blame for the gambling.  With this understanding of our powerlessness, we begin to feel free to concentrate on our own problems.
      I know that many non-CGs in my group (including me) struggled with different steps.  It was only within a group of like-minded souls that I accepted many of them –one in particular.   I remember a lot of emotions that came up in my group that were best left within the group but we did always manage to come to a calm understanding before we went home.   I think I would be inclined to suggest he works his 12 steps with his sponsor and perhaps remind him that you have to work your recovery too. 
      Counsellors have the ability to open a person up and close them again.    My feeling is that loved ones can open each other up far easier than they can find closure.   
      I hope to speak to you in a group soon.  I also hope I am making some sort of sense.   I know you will come back if I am not.
      V
       
       
       

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