Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum Friends and Family Shell-shocked after finding out husband is CG

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  • #2231
    berber
    Participant

    Thanks to the support I got on this website my hb is now in an in-house treatment facility far far away. ***** be there for over 2 months and I’m feeling many emotions: Happiness: that he’s gotten help, hope: for a brighter future, sadness: I miss him, insecurity: will treatment help?..and many more as it will be a rollercoaster ride.
    Making sure he caught the plane was a challenge in itself, he was procrastinating-really bad. But it’s now water under the bridge and he made it there, i assume. Have a good wknd all!

    #2232
    monique
    Participant

    Dear Berber
    Just to say I have been thinking of you often as you moved towards this time.  It is good your husband has now got to the treatment centre and I hope things will go well for him and his recovery.
    Meanwhile, I also wish you well as you face this period of separation.  I am sure you have the wisdom and resources and also support from others to use the time fruitfully and that you will be strong for the days, weeks and months ahead.  I do not underestimate the difficulties you face, but have confidence that you will get through and see a better future.
    Love, MoniqueKeep hope alive.

    #2233
    berber
    Participant

    So, he’s had his 1st week of treatment: 8 more weeks to go. I spoke to him on the phone and he is already a lot more insightful than when he had just arrived. I’m not being fooled as I’m quite aware of a looong road ahead. He is doing fine but misses us, looks at thephotos i gave him often, and said how much he loves me. It’s good to hear! Today I missed him too, just him-not the addiction. This week I’ll speak to MiL and FiL..will be interesting to see if they have new insights too,but I won’t get my hopes up. X

    #2234
    velvet
    Moderator

     
    Hi B
    You are being incredibly insightful yourself – your hb will benefit from it.
    The leap from being controlled by the addiction to gamble, to controlling it, is tremendous.   Those who love someone who is prepared to take that leap want more than anything to see the change and in that desire; things that should be noted and dealt with can be overlooked. It seems to me your eyes are wide open and this could not be better for your husband.   He ***** you to be strong and aware.    Your desire and ***** will not be the deciding factor – his desire and ***** and what he takes from this opportunity to change, will be down to him although your strong support will be invaluable if he chooses to live gamble-free.
    I will hope along with you that his parents remove their blinkers but from all you have said I think you are wise not to raise your hopes.   There is none so blind as he (she) who will not see.
    I know I will see you soon in a group soon – I just wanted to say hi and let you know I was following proceedings with more than a passing interest.  
    Zoals altijd met zorg en liefde
    Velvet
     

    #2235
    berber
    Participant

    Dear Velvet and Jenny46,
    You have really voiced my feelings and understand my situation very well. That comforts me .The lack of communication really is beneficial (but also incredibly hard) and I got a nice again last night. Perhaps we will speak again this week, but it’s obvious to me now that he’s on a different wavelength/level at this moment. Yes, selfish as never before, only focussing on himself: but I understand it is best that way now. I am looking forward to his return but before that I’ll try and get myself as balanced and relaxed as possible too. Thanks for the advice Jenny! Hard work is better than letting the addiction thrive, in any case and I’m looking forward to taking the bull by the horns – especially with all your support, I know we can do it!

    #2236
    velvet
    Moderator

     
    Hi B
    Another email to treasure – remember he is ‘thinking’ when he writes them.
    Last time we were in a group you mentioned something relating to his selfishness and I didn’t know the answer. I won’t write anything here as it was just between you and me but I do have an answer for you and hope to see you in a group soon.  
    I know you can do it too – and we will be here as long as you need us.  
    I found the lack of communication incredibly hard at first – you can’t help wondering what is going on.   I now know that what was going on was him working on himself without distraction.   You are completely right saying he is on a different wavelength at the moment and I think when the outside world buts in that wavelength can go up or down. 
    Keep getting balanced and relaxed – I like the sound of both.  
    Speak soon
    V

    #2237
    adele
    Participant

    Hi Berber –
    It was good to meet you in Group the other night.  I can only imagine the emotional ups and downs you must be going thru as your husband is in Rehab….
    I am going to follow your thread closely and each time I read it I’m going to squint one eye really hard at the screen and shoot Good Mojo at you!  (this is me squirting Good Mojo – I love these little things don’t you?)
    Be brave Miss Berber, and remember – God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. (I have to remind myself of that every day.)
    Adele
    "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there’s nothing there?"  Adele– 5/9/2013 5:25:28 PM: post edited by chasing pavements.

    #2238
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Hi Berber!
    I am new to the site so I am starting to write my thoughts down but I’m doing more lurking than anything. When I read you initial post one item really caught my eye. You in-laws knew about all of this before you ever met him and your mother-in-law sort of passed his care on to you.
    My HB’s entire family knew and never said a word. My FIL even went so far as asking my HB if he had told me. When he said he had not that was the end of it! In a way my FIL told me at a family function…”I don’t know about that one (referring to my HB) you need to keep your eye on him.”
    I am so angry at his entire family for hiding this for YEARS I can not even be around them. I am angry at the disservice they did to my HB and the disservice they did to me and my children.
    How did you deal with your HB’s family?
    Sorry to barge in on your thread,
    BB

    #2239
    berber
    Participant

    Dear friends,
    An hour ago-I was fine. Extatic. My hb came back from rehab a changed man. We woke up together this morning, meditated, said the serenity prayer… He’s gone to GA meetings… and showed me some of his process at rehab. He asked me to read his ‘life story’,which makes me sad right now. Sad for him, how things went in his youth and the relationships he has had, but even more sad because I feel hurt. Things had happened that he has not told me before, things I will not write here.. and, on top of everything: the reason he was almost late to his own wedding was because he gambled! I feel soooo hurt, even though he is trying to be a better person now-and every day is a day at a time, I need time and space to feel better. I HATE the addiction! Hate it! Hate it!

    #2240
    velvet
    Moderator

    Ok B
    Calm down and enjoy your new man – it was another man who gambled before your wedding.   It is common for CGs to not turn up for the birth of their child because they are gambling – it is common for active CGs to lack empathy.
    Don’t let this spoil his homecoming or all your dreams.  it is time to let go of the past.
    Nothing you would write would surprise me – even if I heard his whole story — he has had the courage to face his addiction. 
    He has trusted you by telling you how bad he has been – he will need you to move forward with him
    V
     

    #2241
    nomore 56
    Participant

    I can’t help it, I have to write something now. Cg is considered an “Impulse control personality disorder” here in the US. It is described in the DSM IV (Diagnostic Statistical Manual) with signs and symptoms. The new DSM V is coming out soon (or did it already, I’m not sure) and to my knowledge CG will be included now as an individual disorder/addiction and not under the Impulse control umbrella. Just FYI.
    Wishing you guys the best always.

    #2242
    berber
    Participant

    Hi!
    Thanks a lot for your understanding and kind words. Today I am feeling full of energy again, the baby and I went swimming which was a blast! Haha – wish I could post a photo of how he was splashing in the water, super cute.
    My hb couldn’t join the fun, as he had a session with his counselor. Besides the counseling he faithfully goes to GA/NA meetings 6 evenings a week (except tonight, he’s staying home with BabyBerber so I can go out for dinner!) which is more than any of his fellow-rehab people do. He is very much in touch with those people, talks to someone from rehab just about every day on the phone. It is a complete transformation, as he doesn’t have (m)any friends and now feels accepted and I guess respected. Next week I am invited to come and speak to the counselor too, uhoh – feels like I’m called in for detention – not sure why, but if it helps us open up and have a dialogue with a professional there, I’ll be happy to try it.
    In answer to your suggestion Monique, we do talk when the baby is asleep. In the evenings usually and things can go quite profound, however the other day he told me quite clearly that there is no space for my feelings in his recovery process. Literally he said: I don’t care how you feel, I can only think of myself now! Although I get that, he did ask me how I felt so: uhm, ≈why ask me in the first place?≈
    I love those quotes, about happiness – it feels good to pause for a moment and realize that any negative thoughts in my head can be replaced with my own brainpower, just have to train my brain really hard some days
    Adele: yes, I have come really far. Thank you! So has my husband, but since it’s my thread I can proudly say that I’ve grown so much since my first post. Wow, from insecure and super-naive to not-so-naive and strong/less insecure!
    His parents seem to have backed off a bit and my hb does not always have his phone or computer near him (which is new!) and the distance is doing everyone good. My MIL seems willing to help us wherever she can (genuinely), seems interested, even asked me if I eat enough (yes yes, I lost so much weight but doing my best to gain again!). I will always beware, but hey.
    Today we can smile at eachother again and to our little boy as always, he shows us God exists and we have been brought together for a reason.
    Love,
    Berber

    #2243
    velvet
    Moderator

    Dear B
    Please, please do not get stuck into the semantics of the addiction to gamble – you have lived with it and you are now living with a man who is newly out of rehab.   Leave the psycho-babble to others.   It often crops up on the site, in both forums, goes round and round in circles and gets nowhere – let those who want to study it unemotionally give it names.   What is professionally believed today can change tomorrow – what you have lived was reality and whatever name it is given it still hurt just the same.  
    I went through the stage of wanting to make sense of the senseless.   I was fortunately that my CG was on hand to tell me to leave it alone.    It is how it affects us and what we do about it that ****** – not what it is called.   
    I started off going to reply to your penultimate post but your latest post rather negates the one before.  
    I think your conversation where he says he doesn’t care how you feel, ending up with him asking you how you feel if actually very good.   He did start off his ‘change’ process with no space for your feelings but you have talked about it and his honesty was great.   However, having been honest he then asked you how you did feel.   That to me is him moving a bit further into becoming empathetic, an emotion he has not felt before.   He didn’t ask you in the ‘first’ place – he asked you when he had thought about it, when a new though had been pointed out to him on his road of discovery.  
    There will be many ***** when you will feel, I think, that he has no thought for your feelings – ***** when he has to tighten up on his control.  Betwixt ***** though he will gradually move forward – there is a lot for him to learn.
    Be honest with yourself – are you willing to take intelligent risks in order to succeed? would it really matter if baby Berber cried a bit more when he was left with his Dad for a time?   My daughter always freaked out that her husband didn’t put his son’s coat on when it was cold – he grew up fine and strong but it caused terrific rows between them.     You have had a period of time alone with baby B and daddy B has some catching up to do – lots to learn.  Sorry if this is beginning to sound like Goldilocks?  
    Do you discuss finances with him in a way he can understand, or is it ‘I want a CD?’ – ‘no you can’t there is no money’ (pregnant pause while he is left to work out why).   Brutally it can sound as though the addiction if being chucked up.  Tantrums are not pleasant but they need to be dealt with differently post-rehab.   Stopping gambling does not a perfect person make.   My CG is impetuous and I worried about it post-rehab but when I stopped to think I realised I was too.   He wants things he can’t afford – so do I.   What he learned is that he cannot have everything and to accept it – that is the difference – his desire is still there but I believe that has to be learned.   Perhaps you could talk about something you would like and discuss a time-scale for when you could afford it, so he can see that you impose the same restraints on yourself.
    Your husband missed out on the swimming because he is treating his addiction seriously and you have been out for dinner.   In my view you are both doing well and your ups and downs are natural and to be expected.  
    I am casting about for a quote about happiness – how about this?   With confidence we can be happy with our achievements and optimistic for our future.  
    Keep smiling at each other – there is no greater revenge on the addiction.
    V
     

    #2244
    berber
    Participant

    Hi,
    The meeting with the counselor was good yesterday. I wish I could talk live time today but babyBerber is keeping me busy (teething). Besides the counselor I also went to an NA meeting with my husband, which was quite interesting. Since there’s no GA meetings in our area we went there, 12 others were present (NA/AA/etc.). What surprised me was that everyone got to ‘share’ whatever they wanted to but nobody received/gave any feedback. Ok, will write more soon or hopefully meet on chat because I feel I need to vent. Husband is still gamble-free, which is .
    Hugs,
    Berber

    #2245
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi B
    Just a quickie – in the GA/Gamanon group I was involved with, on the evening when we joined forces there was only sharing.   Feedback only occurred when the groups were separate.  I think the privacy of being with those who understood you led to the more honest, blunt approach.   For instance CGs can be judgemental with each other but don’t need non-CGs chipping in and vice versa.  
    Sorry Baby Bear is having a tough time with teething – it must be rotten when those sharp bits force their way through your gums and then be told that visits to the dentist are important to keep them.   
    Hopefully ‘ see’ you soon and you can vent away
    V
     

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