[Ula]

Hello.
I started to date a gambler 1 year ago but at the beggining i did not know that he gambled. Last December he lost everything he had and finally i found out that he didn’t have money because he lost all of them. I know that he gambled during some years already but when he stopped to get money for leaving form his family he started to it often. Once he got really lucky and as i said lost everything. He started to return money back by gambling. He does not admit that he is addicted. He has around 60 000 euros debt, maybe more already. He doesn’t work. I know he asks money from the family but not that much. I cannot think about serious relationship with him because of that but still his is a good person and i want to help. He never asked money from me. Once he told me that he is gambling because of me because only gambling gives him a satisfaction. I think that was the turning point when i seriously started to worry and decided that i have to tell everything to his family. Should i do it? Or should i just give up and leave him like that? but i am very tired of listening senseless promises from him. Thank you.

[velvet]

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Hello Ula

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[dadda]

Hi, Ula. I was married to CG, twice as a matter of fact. I had no clue that he had a problem, until after he filed for divorce for the second time. Sad thing is that they change, or maybe the true colors come out … or maybe it depends on what pathology is there along with the addiction.

My experience is not expertise, but suffice it to say that many, many professionals do not recognize gambling problems/addiction. You can’t get them help or easily protect yourself, either, once you are legally entwined (for sure). Despite any niceness or other positive qualities he may possess (or seem to), the destruction that will certainly occur – to finances, peace of mind and so on – will never be outweighed by those qualities.

I think if you read some of the other threads on here, you can see what life will become – at least get a general idea.

I would have been thrilled if my husband had decided to get into recovery, once his addiction was discovered. I knew recovery would be hard, but so is divorce and I believed (and still do) that if we were both on board and with faith, it would be achievable and would happen … just not overnight or necessarily easy. But worth it … I believe it defintely would have been worth it. He chose not to, and dumped our children and me in order to be with someone who was married and a good source of funds. He has even caused more financial and emotional devastation than necessary, because he was angry that I didn’t just get out when he demanded I do so, and so has “punished” me (but also our daughters) because he views EVERYTHING (asset wise) as “his”, no matter what the law states. And even though he initiated the divorce, he was not willing to fulfill his legal obligations to obtain it. He got his divorce, and got out of any settlement. Days now are rough for me … back when I met him, I would never have dreamed this to be a possible outcome. In fact, I chose to be with him because he seemed a “solid investment” in terms of seeming to have similar values and also not having destructive habits or attitudes.

I won’t say to cut off ties completely, if you think/feel you can be objective and a true friend (which means not an enabler, etc). That is a choice only you can make. My thought is that getting involved in a relationship with an actively addicted gambler is a sure path to a lot of destruction in your own life. Best wishes and hopes to you!

[dadda]

Oh, also on telling his family … I don’t know what the consensus would be, but I think that also depends on how well you are acquainted and whether you truly believe they don’t know. Maybe if there is a member you are close to, you could have a conversation and include your concern(s), depending on the receptiveness. Or at least give them a link to a site like this one.

I actually did talk with his mother after he filed; turns out that most of his relatives are enablers (of him) and that I actually had been expected to “take care of him”, I guess to keep their level of “involvement” to a minimum. I only say that because of all that has occurred and reinterpreting things from the past (interactions of mine with relatives) with the hindsight new information makes possible. I think there was a level of knowledge there in his relatives, at least some of them, and this was kept deliberately from me. So if you choose to speak with them, don’t be surprised if you get poor reception … just know you did the best you could with what you had to work with … and with the concern for all involved in your mind and heart.

[Anne_Saxton]

Its your own choice whether you want to help him or not.But whatever you do it would definitely be a great step and more probably the most courageous.I think you should help him as its better to fight for something if you truly love him. You can even go to your family lawyer and manage a way to clear all his dept and make a clear way for him.And telling his family is a big decision think about it, he might not like it that much.

[Anonymous]

Hello there, I cant tell you what to do but give an advice . There it goes , its hard to live with a cg they lie and from experience hiding it from the family that can maybe help him is not a good idea,they take advantage of the situation . I use to excuse my husband all the time but it gets old but hey the up on this is that you are just dating your not all the way in, tel the family and give him an advice hopefully he will listen and if not you got two choices 1 stick around and welcome to a roller coaster life or give each other a break , cause girl its not fun or easy. what ever you chose i hope that you have inconsideration what your goals are and if you are looking for a real relationship strong and if he can give you that are or if you really do love him that much which is okay too just be prepared .Its not easy but hey its all up to you. I know this i have been with my cg for 13 yrs and he knows he has an issue and has tried and fail and its a battle all the time the lack of trust is an awful feeling ,having to deal with all the issues at home when he forgets that he has 5 kids its not cool and so damaging but i did say in the good and in the bad .I have been trying to educate myself more and more about this illness and coupe and support him when he wakes up from lala land and start allover again trying to get close to the lord keeps me a bit more sane .
But hey you havent got married and well ask him what his goals in life are check that out maybe you see your self taking a descion.
what ever you do think it over and be sure in your heart and mind i think you know what you should do.
take care and best or luck keep writting,
tania

[Anonymous]

Hello there, I cant tell you what to do but give an advice . There it goes , its hard to live with a cg they lie and from experience hiding it from the family that can maybe help him is not a good idea,they take advantage of the situation . I use to excuse my husband all the time but it gets old but hey the up on this is that you are just dating your not all the way in, tel the family and give him an advice hopefully he will listen and if not you got two choices 1 stick around and welcome to a roller coaster life or give each other a break , cause girl its not fun or easy. what ever you chose i hope that you have inconsideration what your goals are and if you are looking for a real relationship strong and if he can give you that are or if you really do love him that much which is okay too just be prepared .Its not easy but hey its all up to you. I know this i have been with my cg for 13 yrs and he knows he has an issue and has tried and fail and its a battle all the time the lack of trust is an awful feeling ,having to deal with all the issues at home when he forgets that he has 5 kids its not cool and so damaging but i did say in the good and in the bad .I have been trying to educate myself more and more about this illness and coupe and support him when he wakes up from lala land and start allover again trying to get close to the lord keeps me a bit more sane .
But hey you havent got married and well ask him what his goals in life are check that out maybe you see your self taking a descion.
what ever you do think it over and be sure in your heart and mind i think you know what you should do.
take care and best or luck keep writting,
tania

[Author]

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