28 January 2014 at 8:35 pm #3236
It has been quiet on the forum recently, giving my little grey cells time to ponder. Please respond if you agree or disagree with my thoughts.
Around an active compulsive gambler there are many people who are hurt. The people who love them most are usually at the top of the list but a group that really do have a lot of pain to deal with are the siblings.
We have had very few siblings on the forum and I think that is relevant – they deal with it in other ways and see things from different perspectives. They see ‘their’ parents being hurt; they see themselves being used; they see themselves ignored by parents who are not noticing ‘them’; they see concern which they feel is undeserved being given to their sibling: they suffer massive disappointment as they struggle with their own problems and feel neglected. Parents, wives, husbands, sons, daughters, partners seem to take more of an interest in the ‘whys and wherefores’ of the addiction and have a better chance of finding understanding and closure but in the meantime the sibling, who has watched the whole action and felt the tsunami or emotions without anybody recognising their interests, is underwhelmed by talk of recovery.
In my opinion, it is important to be aware that a sibling who has been close to the core of the addiction to gamble can have problems that show themselves in other ways.
I think a sibling’s pain is often considered to be jealously which is not a socially ‘likeable’ attribute – they cannot attack the root of their pain because it is being unconsciously protected by those who feel themselves closest to the drama.
How does the sibling understand the scenario that unfolds before them? It is not of their doing but they feel their lives have been devalued, not just by the CG, and there is nothing they can do about it. They blame the CG but are possibly not allowed to vent that blame and so they are left with mixed emotions and confusion. I think many siblings turn the blame on those who they consider to have given the CG priority. I imagine if my brother had been a CG and I had lost my equal standing with my parents I would have cried ‘what about me?’ and possibly been told that I did not have a problem and therefore I should understand.
I know I have generalised but we have only ever had a couple of siblings write on here before but many members have mentioned siblings of CGs and so I have taken their stories along with my own experience and feel that I am somewhere near the truth.
Velvet28 January 2014 at 11:05 pm #3237worriedmamaParticipant
My CG son is in the middle- a 2 year older brother and a 3 year younger sister. I know my eldest son is more annoyed with me than my daughter. He is very black and white and I think he thinks if I would have been tougher we could have put an end to this years ago. My daughter on the other hand is mad at her brother for the hurt he has caused everyone.
We try our best to keep the drama down to a minimum but sometimes it just boils over into all our lives. As time has gone on we are much better at compartmentalizing (sp?) the bad times and not letting it affect our lives or plans… not perfect but much better than it was at the beginning.20 February 2014 at 7:36 am #3238pParticipant
I am P from the cg forums and i want to thank you for stopping by in support on my thread… i dont frequent these pages but was told to come here once as i have family members who are cg.
At the moment though i am just concentrating on my recovery from gambling addiction and i am glad that you dropped by to say hi, i appreciate it.
P14 July 2015 at 8:53 pm #3239
I have brought this up for Light – hope it helps18 October 2015 at 6:33 pm #3240
For Anni26 July 2016 at 8:59 pm #3241
for jds14 August 2016 at 12:36 pm #3242
Hope this helps Lala14 August 2016 at 3:17 pm #3243LalaParticipant
OMG! This is so true and brings back so many emotions from the past that are still there actually. My brother had and maybe still has issues. But the real problem was he was never left to deal with consequences or thought to deal with life and its problems. Dad always bailed him out everytime he got in trouble with the law. Dad paid his lawyer even most recently as last year again because my brother is just not normal. I cant even get into the details but outside of dysfunctional family dynamics, he also began experimenting with drugs at an early age, hung out with the wrong friends, skipped school, partied too much and on and on. My brother s excuse was he was going to “live his life” and that no one was going to stop him. Keep in mind it also meant fear for our lives. My brother would physically hurt and intimidate us. I could not wait to leave that house and the resentment I had for my parents always forgetting how bad he would get in between his fix that I moved out for a while when I finally could afford to do so. I dont know too much about what he is doing now because he has 2 kids of his own and has to work 2 or 3 jobs to make rent alone and cant even afford car insurance due to all his wreckless driving history that he might have to move back into parents basement. I used to cry and feel stuck and pray every single night as I held on to the keys to my car so he wouldnt take away again the only thing I had to my name. I eventually got tired of praying for him to “get better” after years of all this.
Now that I am not living in the house I feel more safe physically even tho I watch my mouth every time he is around because he is like an explosion ready to happen so everyone (parents- mostly dad) still cater to him. Anyway enough ranting from me. But it is so true that a sibling gets neglected, pushed aside and told verbally or thru actions that they just arent that important. This tells a child, a sibling of a CG that they are not that valued or they must simply have issues and act out in order to get attention, which in turn is sure to create issues in the other children, no matter what. It just isnt fair to ignore aiblings. It is even more important that siblings and all parties share and communicate. for CG to get the right help a family must first be united and come together and address issues in a fair way. Otherwise its a cycle that will never end.9 November 2016 at 2:13 pm #3244
As promised9 November 2016 at 2:13 pm #3245
As promised6 December 2016 at 7:22 pm #3246
this one is for you21 February 2017 at 3:15 pm #3247
this is for Jane and anyone else who is struggling with the siblings of CGs.29 April 2017 at 1:51 pm #3248kathrynParticipant
I wasn’t sure where to post to you.
I have missed you so much.
Your words of wisdom, the ability to project calm.
I have posted tonight because I gambled.
Ive been away a long time and so much has happened.
A lot of happiness for sure.
My mum has faded to a lady who doesn’t recognise me any more. Breaks my heart every time. Still I go, sometimes she is happy and chats away, other times she tells me to go away. Never sure what I am going to get. Still I go.
Brea is due for her baby in 6.5 weeks, I have her baby shower tomorrow. A little grandson (yep she found out) for me to love.
Jode is still my bestie, and we are taking the holiday of a lifetime in October to the USA. Knowing me as you do I’m sure you can imagine my excitement. In saying that, we have taken on a few extra jobs to pay for it and boy have we been tired, but it will all be worth it.
Ok, I read your post……..heres an interesting addition, I have 3 sisters and 1 brother. One sister died almost 16 years ago but….she was a compulsive gambler, my other sister is a compulsive gambler who has been managing her addiction for over 15 years. My other sister is more of a binge gambler but is addicted to other substances, and my brother doesn’t gamble at all. All the girls in the family have had addiction issues. I often wonder if we got the gene (if there is one) from our dad who was addicted to smoking and drinking and I’m not sure what else…. Food for thought? Or maybe just bad luck? Who knows. It doesn’t really matter does it? I can only work on me.
I truly hope that you are well and happy.
An angel on earth.
Love K xxx4 May 2017 at 9:10 pm #3249RedareParticipant
I would think there is something in that, but I also believe it is a learned behaviour that sometimes gets out of control. I’ve learned from this site that it can be stopped so there is hope 🙂6 May 2017 at 1:03 pm #3250lilyParticipant
Just wanted to say I was thinking about you yesterday Velvet. I hope it all went as well as it could of and you are getting plenty of support and time for you. Lily x
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