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    • #3236
      velvet
      Moderator

      It has been quiet on the forum recently, giving my little grey cells time to ponder.  Please respond if you agree or disagree with my thoughts. 

      Around an active compulsive gambler there are many people who are hurt.   The people who love them most are usually at the top of the list but a group that really do have a lot of pain to deal with are the siblings. 

      We have had very few siblings on the forum and I think that is relevant – they deal with it in other ways and see things from different perspectives.    They see ‘their’ parents being hurt; they see themselves being used; they see themselves ignored by parents who are not noticing ‘them’; they see concern which they feel is undeserved being given to their sibling: they suffer massive disappointment as they struggle with their own problems and feel neglected.   Parents, wives, husbands, sons, daughters, partners seem to take more of an interest in the ‘whys and wherefores’ of the addiction and have a better chance of finding understanding and closure but in the meantime the sibling, who has watched the whole action and felt the tsunami or emotions without anybody recognising their interests, is underwhelmed by talk of recovery. 

      In my opinion, it is important to be aware that a sibling who has been close to the core of the addiction to gamble can have problems that show themselves in other ways.

      I think a sibling’s pain is often considered to be jealously which is not a socially ‘likeable’ attribute – they cannot attack the root of their pain because it is being unconsciously protected by those who feel themselves closest to the drama.

      How does the sibling understand the scenario that unfolds before them?  It is not of their doing but they feel their lives have been devalued, not just by the CG, and there is nothing they can do about it.   They blame the CG but are possibly not allowed to vent that blame and so they are left with mixed emotions and confusion.  I think many siblings turn the blame on those who they consider to have given the CG priority.   I imagine if my brother had been a CG and I had lost my equal standing with my parents I would have cried ‘what about me?’ and possibly been told that I did not have a problem and therefore I should understand.    

      I know I have generalised but we have only ever had a couple of siblings write on here before but many members have mentioned siblings of CGs and so I have taken their stories along with my own experience and feel that I am somewhere near the truth.

      Velvet

       

       

    • #3237
      worriedmama
      Participant

      My CG son is in the middle- a 2 year older brother and a 3 year younger sister. I know my eldest son is more annoyed with me than my daughter. He is very black and white and I think he thinks if I would have been tougher we could have put an end to this years ago. My daughter on the other hand is mad at her brother for the hurt he has caused everyone.
      We try our best to keep the drama down to a minimum but sometimes it just boils over into all our lives. As time has gone on we are much better at compartmentalizing (sp?) the bad times and not letting it affect our lives or plans… not perfect but much better than it was at the beginning.

    • #3238
      p
      Participant

      I am P from the cg forums and i want to thank you for stopping by in support on my thread… i dont frequent these pages but was told to come here once as i have family members who are cg.
      At the moment though i am just concentrating on my recovery from gambling addiction and i am glad that you dropped by to say hi, i appreciate it.

      P

    • #3239
      velvet
      Moderator

      I have brought this up for Light – hope it helps

    • #3240
      velvet
      Moderator

      For Anni

    • #3241
      velvet
      Moderator

      for jds

    • #3242
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hope this helps Lala

    • #3243
      Lala
      Participant

      OMG! This is so true and brings back so many emotions from the past that are still there actually. My brother had and maybe still has issues. But the real problem was he was never left to deal with consequences or thought to deal with life and its problems. Dad always bailed him out everytime he got in trouble with the law. Dad paid his lawyer even most recently as last year again because my brother is just not normal. I cant even get into the details but outside of dysfunctional family dynamics, he also began experimenting with drugs at an early age, hung out with the wrong friends, skipped school, partied too much and on and on. My brother s excuse was he was going to “live his life” and that no one was going to stop him. Keep in mind it also meant fear for our lives. My brother would physically hurt and intimidate us. I could not wait to leave that house and the resentment I had for my parents always forgetting how bad he would get in between his fix that I moved out for a while when I finally could afford to do so. I dont know too much about what he is doing now because he has 2 kids of his own and has to work 2 or 3 jobs to make rent alone and cant even afford car insurance due to all his wreckless driving history that he might have to move back into parents basement. I used to cry and feel stuck and pray every single night as I held on to the keys to my car so he wouldnt take away again the only thing I had to my name. I eventually got tired of praying for him to “get better” after years of all this.

      Now that I am not living in the house I feel more safe physically even tho I watch my mouth every time he is around because he is like an explosion ready to happen so everyone (parents- mostly dad) still cater to him. Anyway enough ranting from me. But it is so true that a sibling gets neglected, pushed aside and told verbally or thru actions that they just arent that important. This tells a child, a sibling of a CG that they are not that valued or they must simply have issues and act out in order to get attention, which in turn is sure to create issues in the other children, no matter what. It just isnt fair to ignore aiblings. It is even more important that siblings and all parties share and communicate. for CG to get the right help a family must first be united and come together and address issues in a fair way. Otherwise its a cycle that will never end.

    • #3244
      velvet
      Moderator

      For Redare

      As promised

    • #3245
      velvet
      Moderator

      For Redare

      As promised

    • #3246
      velvet
      Moderator

      Dear San
      this one is for you

    • #3247
      velvet
      Moderator

      this is for Jane and anyone else who is struggling with the siblings of CGs.

    • #3248
      kathryn
      Participant

      I wasn’t sure where to post to you.
      I have missed you so much.
      Your words of wisdom, the ability to project calm.
      I have posted tonight because I gambled.
      Ive been away a long time and so much has happened.
      A lot of happiness for sure.
      My mum has faded to a lady who doesn’t recognise me any more. Breaks my heart every time. Still I go, sometimes she is happy and chats away, other times she tells me to go away. Never sure what I am going to get. Still I go.
      Brea is due for her baby in 6.5 weeks, I have her baby shower tomorrow. A little grandson (yep she found out) for me to love.
      Jode is still my bestie, and we are taking the holiday of a lifetime in October to the USA. Knowing me as you do I’m sure you can imagine my excitement. In saying that, we have taken on a few extra jobs to pay for it and boy have we been tired, but it will all be worth it.
      Ok, I read your post……..heres an interesting addition, I have 3 sisters and 1 brother. One sister died almost 16 years ago but….she was a compulsive gambler, my other sister is a compulsive gambler who has been managing her addiction for over 15 years. My other sister is more of a binge gambler but is addicted to other substances, and my brother doesn’t gamble at all. All the girls in the family have had addiction issues. I often wonder if we got the gene (if there is one) from our dad who was addicted to smoking and drinking and I’m not sure what else…. Food for thought? Or maybe just bad luck? Who knows. It doesn’t really matter does it? I can only work on me.
      I truly hope that you are well and happy.
      An angel on earth.
      Love K xxx

    • #3249
      Redare
      Participant

      I would think there is something in that, but I also believe it is a learned behaviour that sometimes gets out of control. I’ve learned from this site that it can be stopped so there is hope 🙂

    • #3250
      lily
      Participant

      Just wanted to say I was thinking about you yesterday Velvet. I hope it all went as well as it could of and you are getting plenty of support and time for you. Lily x

    • #3251
      velvet
      Moderator

      this is for Can’t coped who I believe can and will.

    • #3252
      vera
      Participant

      Velvet, I want to offer my sincere condolences on the loss of your dear brother. May he rest in peace.

    • #3253
      velvet
      Moderator

      for Victoria

    • #3254
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Victoria
      I understand everything you have written and I think you have done well to write so bravely in this first post.
      The problem you are finding is common and what happens next can be determined by you.
      I also felt that my CG had been given all the answers whereas I had received none of the information that could help me cope with all my concerns and with the new man who had been through the programme
      I went to Gam-anon and listened to others whose spouses/partners/brothers/sons had changed their lives around with GA. Some did not like the new man and one even wanted to put the clock back to him gambling again, because she found the gamble-free man boring, which I admit I didn’t understand. A lot struggled with understanding but then there were those who had not only survived but were living wonderful lives with their loved ones.
      The best thing I did was ask my CG to help me to get it right. I didn’t want to mess up whatever it was that he had been given that could turn him from being a gambler with no moral fibre into someone with empathy and honesty.
      Your partner wants a clean slate but this does not mean he is living without regret – he knows he has wrecked lives but he cannot change the past. I know it is hard for you but you do not own his addiction and therefore you are stronger than he is at the moment. He is coming to terms with all he has heard and it sounds as though he is determined to live gamble-free – and maybe he feels he will do that regardless of any outside influence.
      I understand your resentment and it is really hard but in the end it comes down to what ‘you’ want. Your partner was away for 14 weeks, did you see friends and do things that pleased you; did you enjoy living without gambling affecting every minute of your day; did you, did you do things that you had stopped doing because of his addiction? In other words did you change at all?
      It is even more important now in the early days, when your partner has to use every bit of his strength to control his addiction, that you do the things that make you happy. Yes he has to be selfish but then it is ok for you to be selfish too.
      One of the hardest things for me was the realisation that it was incredibly hard for my CG to trust me. If you were anything like me you would have found yourself constantly watching and waiting for the next bombshell, there would have been arguments and threats, both of which achieved nothing. Your partner has done something different to change his life and he is trying to succeed but if he feels you are carrying resentment (which I accept is natural) he will probably feel he is going it alone.
      It was months before my CG told me anything that had happened on the programme and it came in dribs and drabs over a long period. In the meantime I began to relax with him and to show him that I had also made an effort and that I was prepared to support his recovery in the best way that I could.
      I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives lived – often better perhaps for having to find the courage to face such a terrible addiction. Was it hard – yes? Did I c o u nt to 10 many times – Yes? Am I glad I stuck it out – 100% yes?
      With regard to the daughters that you have between you I have brought up my thread entitled ‘Siblings’ which I hope will help. The children of CGs do not have the voices to explain their confusion or the ability to change a thing. They watch, listen and make uninformed judgments and can get things very wrong.
      You haven’t said how long it is since your partner completed the programme which might help me to understand where he is coming from at the moment.
      If you are starting to think you are wasting your time then it is perhaps possible that you are giving him negative thoughts about how you feel about your relationship.
      I will leave this post here and await your reply.
      Velvet

    • #3255
      velvet
      Moderator

      For Jane

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