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    • #10962
      libbie
      Participant

      Hello–I am on here for the first time..I am trying to quit gambling for the umpteenth time and am really doubting I will be successful at this point..I have been gambling for 30 years..I started lightly, going to Bingo for fun..and my husband (I’m divorced) even encouraged me to go more because he saw how much I enjoyed it.
      Years later I left a stable but at that point boring job (where I should have stayed) to become a stockbroker..Big mistake..It became my everyday casino..I was trading my own account and got into options and the numbers became huge..I am not even sure how much I lost over time..I was making good money..but I know it was in the 6 figures..I ended up having an affair and trading in an account with this person which although is not breaking a law ..it is breaking a rule and they asked me to resign..I was stunned but it was the right thing to go..My husband found out about all the money lost..Our marriage had not been good for a while and it finally led to divorce..At the time my son was 19 and I felt huge guilt regarding him…and still do…All the money I had could have gone to him now or later and now I have nothing..
      I was able to get another job making decent money but at this point I was in debt..I had this epiphany that if I did not quit gambling I was going to die..and I quit on my own for 1 1/2 years..My life got better and met a new man ..About a year in, he wanted to go to a casino and I thought I could handle it..That was it..It was like I had never quit…I liked it more than he did..The business I was in started going downhill and I had a bipolar boss and I quit, thinking I would have no problem getting another job..Big surprise..the economy turned, my age became a factor and I could not get the kind of job I was used to making decent money..
      The addiction was and is so strong for me, that even though I did not have income coming in I kept going to the casinos..using cards and writing checks..Staying all night..loving the free rooms and making myself sick on the way home and days after..
      I now work part time for low pay and supplement my income dealing in antiques online..I had $80,000 in debt 3 years ago and am now down to $13,000, struggling all the time..I had hidden everything from friends and family..When my family found out, they withdrew all financial support..My credit cards were all closed and I have worked out payments on all of them but I have no savings and no retirement…I come from a a family with many wealthy members and I cannot bear to be around some of them because I feel so ashamed and so awful to see what they have and what I don’t..all because of this addiction.
      Lately I have lost friends as well..Maybe they know..maybe they don’t but my lifestyle has become so isolated..I sneak around to go to the casinos and lie about where I’ve been. My relationship with my son is very strained..I become a different person when I am gambling, snippy and aggressive and angry and I fight with everyone..I am not like that when I am not gambling…
      I met a new man almost 2 years ago..in a casino..! He likes to gamble but is not a compulsive gambler and is disciplined..He does not like me when I gamble and how much I go (he lives out of town)and cannot understand how I cannot just go once a month..After I gamble and decide to quit..I can go about 4 days and then I want to go again..It’s my coping mechanism and erases my loneliness and boredom when I am there…but when I leave…well everyone knows what happens then…Lately I just think that maybe I will never be able to fully quit..I feel so pessimistic and low..My mother committed suicide when I was 15 and I have some depression but the gambling makes it temporarily better and then much much worse..I have lost self esteem and confidence and feel so resigned that things are not going to improve..I never was like that years ago..
      Today is Day 4 not gambling and I really want to go so badly but so far I have not..I have banned myself from close in casinos but now travel more and even went to one that I had banned from a few years ago! I must say I do get some comfort from reading everyone’s stories..
      So here I am

    • #10963
      vera
      Participant

      I hope you are feeling better today Libbie and that you had some time to reflect on your " slip!"
      I don’t like the "slip" word because it seems to gloss over the facts.
      For me (and I am repeating myself here), gambling trips are ALWAYS planned. I work it out in advance. Set aside a day where I can sneak off alone,under the pretext of going somewhere else. I made sure I am free to spend as long as it takes to "invest" whatever money I can lay hands on with the (false) hope of doubling that money. Of course I always leave the casino empty handed.
      Even though I’m going through a "G Free" phase right now, I can still hear the whisper deep in my mind "someday soon  we’ll meet up for our secret rendezvous". The idea is always lurking in the background, so today I will distract myself in everyway possible. I am at home. Hubby is here (in his own world in the garden) . My son will be my "minder" . We have planned to watch DVDs, go for a walk and eat a simple meal. My daughter sent me a present of the Box Set of Mad Men so I intend getting engrossed in that series ( we just finished the Sopranos). That means Today will be a G free day. Thats all I can predict.
      Libbie, were you planning to gamble in advance?  Did you line up the cash? Set aside the time and excuse yourself in advance by pretending it was just an innocent outing with B/F?
      Just wondering if other CGs think like me!!

    • #10964
      libbie
      Participant

      Oh my dear–I think EXACTLY like you…The thoughts may creep up slowly…out of nowhere and at any time..I do not even think I am conscious of exactly what the triggers are at the moment…When I was in new York, I was not comfortable at all *****…so I started thinking I will go home and take a mini "gambling vacation"…really..it’s just like taking a ****..I may as well be a **** addict as it has the same effect on me…
      As for this last time..I had just come home from NYC..no time to myself..The boyfriend came in from out of town immediatley and I think I was not ready for his arrival (that’s another whole story)..So I was snippy to him the time he was here and was kinda wishing he wasn’t there even though part of me DID want him there…So on the 3rd day, I said "let’s just go for a few hours"..I know he didn’t want to …we agreed we would stay no more than 2 hours…and really–I was not gambling manically…but I was happy for the escape..he really did not want to be there so when he wanted to go and I wanted to stay, he got angry…I stayed another 15 or 20 minutes..No communication on the drive home…Came home and he left…I think he "got it" that the gambling was more important to me than he was at that moment..and he was probably right..
      Now I am out of town..in Pittsburgh visiting 2 elderly aunts and having a jolly time…No chance of gambling here..My one aunt is wealthy…had lent me some money a few years ago and when she found out about my gambling was furious…I am not sure how I will be when I get home…I really do have to change some things in my life besides just putting up barriers…but I even need more barriers too..
      Down here in the computer room in my aunt’s building..Cannot stay online..Good for you Vera..that your are in a G-free state right now..and nice to hear from you! Keep it going girl!
       

    • #10965
      libbie
      Participant

      Back to Day 4 (I think)..Have been ****** low…Again..the first 2 days were absolute **** -so why do I subject myself to this…sleeping a lot…staying busy…not too much social interaction.mostly working.I am driving to Pittsburgh about 2 hours away today for some business and will be close to a casino so am posting in hopes this will help me in fighting my urges to go..I am leaving all my cards at home except one which I need..I have a little money which is always bad..Any other suggestions/tips would help..1/2 of me has this extreme hate for gambling and keeps me on the straight and narrow and 1/2 of me feels the pull so strong..I have these thoughts of big escape into that world..But I am glad I have at least SOME days clean…so which side is going to win here..I guess my next step is to exclude myself from this last casino…but I have been reluctant to do so..Wishing everyone a peacefull gamble free day

    • #10966
      vera
      Participant

      Could you call that casino and ban in advance, Libbie? Will you be alone? Phone GA in that area and request one of the members to meet you and ask him to walk in with you and ban yourself BEFORE you play.  Ambivilence towards gambling is what poses the biggest danger to a CG. It allows our twisted minds to magnify the "good" aspects of gambling and play down the bad. If we didn’t experience these emotional  extremes our attitude to gambling would be more balanced.
      I m reading between the lines Libbie. I sense you ARE planning to gamble in Pittsburgh?
      Do you really need to carry cash?
      Why chance spoiling your trip.
      Build those barriers before you go. Expressing it here is the cry for help. I never reach out for help before I gamble. Too proud and selfish. Just want my own buzz when the opportunity presents itself. That ***** to be addressed…– 05/04/2013 11:57:01: post edited by vera.

    • #10967
      libbie
      Participant

      I have to think about banning before I go…never thought of that..I don’t think you can do that..I could go there to ban..and have done just that at every casino I have banned myself from..and it has worked..I just hate to close this door..but if I am serious, I must!.No–I was not planning on gambling..I actually don’t know what I was planning..My thoughts are so scattered!.I am going there for business…need to do my business and get in and out..I guess in the back of my mind, I know I will have free hours after my business is done and I’ll have the opportunity. I do have to carry some cash for buying while there…but I could use it up while there.My business is in Pittsburgh and the casino is in West Virginia which is less than an hour drive from where I will be…I really have to plan this out…I am going to try writing this all down..
      I don’t reach out for help before I gamble either..Maybe you should try it one time..I guess the worst that can happen is you will gamble anyway!..but maybe it will change just one thing..even if making a path for doing things differently in the future..We must try anything we can!

    • #10968
      libbie
      Participant

      OK–I made it to Pittshburgh and back home without visiting the casino..Had to argue with myself several ***** during the day..The pull was strong at various *****..I am relieved I did not go..It would have been awful..I had money and cards with me…This casino is 2 1/2 hours away from home..I still find ways to get there..I will pick a time to exclude myself from here…It’s funny (not)..I thought as I said that that I was giving up a lifeline if I exclude from this casino..SOME lifeline! One more day behind now…yay..

    • #10969
      vera
      Participant

      Well done on getting back from your business trip without gambling Libbie!
      Easier said than done, but you DID it!

    • #10970
      libbie
      Participant

      Thanks Vera..Yes–glad I did…Had another very rough part of the day today..I was exhausted after my travels yesterday, went to bed late and had to wake up early for work..I am really noticing I have to get enough rest while fighting this thing…After work, I really wanted to go gamble and I was feeling so resentful about all the struggle…BUT I made arrangements to go to an auction with a friend…Once there, all the thoughts of gambling left my mind and I was able to buy some antiques …and I will actually MAKE money instead of losing it..Another day behind…Fighting…but hope I can stay strong and not weaken!

    • #10971
      neva
      Participant

      Every day you make it without gambling is a victory.  Keep moving forward ODAAT.

    • #10972
      libbie
      Participant

      Thanks Neva–I know every day I make it without gambling IS a victory…but I have to admist that I do not really feel GOOD..I feel proud of myself for not gambling …but still feel so very low…not ALL the time…but quite a bit (like right now)and the bad thing is, it makes me want to go gamble to see if I can feel better

    • #10973
      libbie
      Participant

      I live in a lovely little town with a waterfall..about a mile walk to the falls…I am going to get dressed and walk there…something I talk about doing but hardly ever do..It’s sunny out so will give this a try to get the gambling (and pity party) off my mind..

    • #10974
      icandothis
      Participant

      Hi Libbie, Good for you for not gambling when you went out of town.  I know leaving town alone is a big trigger for me.  I also think feeling low is part of the withdrawal process.  I have had quite a bit of it, especially last month.  I think one reason I felt even more low than usual is because of my determination not to gamble.  I knew I wasn’t going to find relief by gambling.  Thank you for helping me see that.  Good for you in taking positive action to find relief from those blues by doing something beside gambling.  I hope your walk does the trick.  It does sound lovely.  If you find you still have urges, find something else to do.  You can do this one activity at a time!

    • #10975
      libbie
      Participant

      On my way out now..Thanks for the encouragement..I guess feeling low IS part of the withdrawal process..I think it is about 10 days in, and I was hoping I wouldn’t feel like this by now..This feels like a job..and I’m looking for more of a vacation!

    • #10976
      vera
      Participant

      Enjoy your walk Libbie! Wish I could join you! Im ***** here in bed at nearl 2pm with NO motivation to do anything. I phoned a Counselling Service for an appointment which is a HUGE step for me…I feel a bit weird now because he asked me "what is the payout like on the machines?!" Is that a strange question or am I missing something??!!
       

    • #10977
      libbie
      Participant

      I’m sorry but I had to laught at that question! Not sure about that guy…You want someone who will take this very seriously…A question like that about payout on the slots could be a trigger (for me)..But good job for at least taking that step…Part of the fight!..See how it is talking to him…but if it doesn’t feel right, could you switch to someone else? It’s like a sponsor in GA – some fits are better than others…I had one who years ago who, after a while, did not feel right..I even had a sneaking suspicion he was gambling!..So I switched to someone else and he was wonderful…and then a year later he ****! And I was the one who discovered it..Hadn’t heard from him (he was in his 70s) and went over to his place with some other people to check it out..and he had **** in his sleep..So sad..and a setback for me maybe, tho that is an excuse..
      I hear you about no motivation… rest if you need to, but just vow to get up and do one little thing…anything..If you wanted to clean out your ****** and just got rid of 1 or 2 things every day…you would have it cleaned out eventually!
      Off I go…Have a nice day !

    • #10978
      vera
      Participant

      Thanks for your response Libbie!
      Just spoke to Harry….It seems to me that men think very differently than women! Surprise , surprise! As a reaction to your post, I’m now going to pull myself out of bed ( I might go to the Community session first) and get at least one job done today…
      I remember reading about your Sponsor.RIP. My brother was found dead in bed almost 8 years ago. Silent coronary. He was 57!
      Why waste our lives!

    • #10979
      libbie
      Participant

      I am going to make a point of joining in a session…just dropped in on one chat I think you were in….Are they helpful to you?..There is so much good stuff on here…but sometimes I don’t know where I’ve posted to pick it up again! Boyfriend coming in tomorrow to visit…I go back and forth about breaking this relationship off…I think he is a gambling trigger for me…but then again..what isn’t a trigger for me?..Way past my bedtime…and have to get up for work at 6am..Will pick up the fight tomorrow..G’night or good day..whatever time it is in your country!

    • #10980
      vera
      Participant

      I hear what you are saying about the B/F, Libbie!
      Take a closer look and read Trulyshi’s Thread! Its VERY interesting !
      The only way we find out what is and what isn’t a trigger is by eliminating as much as possible and slowly re introducing them to our lives Life testing for food allergies!
      This addiction is so tricky you would need to be on 24 hour watch. Sometimes I think if I could just let everything go over my head, life would be very easy, then I come up against something that goes to the bone and I stick my neck out. A situation ***** at work in the last few days that had everyone astounded and nobody did anything!! I just can’t believe that people stand by and watch standards being eroded to the detriment of others and refuse to take action. Once again, I was the only one to challenge the situation and rattle the cages of the "Higher Ups!" I’m putting my head on the chopping board too often lately and coming to the attention of my Big  Boss. She clearly dislikes what I am doing Other staff are telling me how much tey admire me for taking a stance! Rubbish! How come they keep their mouths shut!
      Sorry for venting on your thread Libbie!
      It just came out!
      Yes, the Chat groups are very beneficial but sadly they are not as well attended lately as they used to be but its up to each member here to resolve that. I try to get to Charles’ groups on Mondays and Fridays when Im not working. He takes off his kid gloves and "pokes" people. I need to be confronted about my antics . I don’t ever know who the facilitator will be except on those dates.
      Hope to meet you in a group soon!

    • #10981
      libbie
      Participant

      Vera – My opinion, it is okay to question ethics at work…I have done that many ***** at different jobs..Actually quit one job because I thought the ethics were way too questionable..but did not make friends in the process..Then I question myself…I go so crazy because of ethics and doing the right thing in all situations except my gambling! What ethics are involved in that? Alienating friends and family..spending money I don’t have…such a double standard..So I think it is okay to step up at work if you see something is wrong…but maybe look at the way you are going about it…Don’t do it in such a way that it could jeopardize your job..If you are like me…the anger can work against you…and I find I have much more anger when in a gambling phase and am much calmer when abstaining..
      I am going to drop in on Charles’ group.I am really struggling with the gambling and cannot see how to beat this thing! My DNA is so structured now to include it…The withdrawal from it is difficult, depressing and scary to me…but the damage is just as bad – worse – I guess…But some***** it seems the withdrawal is worse..
      The boyfirend is here..He is good to me in so many ways but I really feels sabotages me in my efforts to quit gambling…even my diet..Trying to lose a few pounds..and he thinks feeding me is doing a caring thing…
      Going out and about today…looking for antiques to buy to re-sell…and going to the movies..Hope you and all have a lovely day…Will try to hop on while he is here

    • #10982
      maverick.
      Participant

      Hi Libbie, just been reading you journal and wanted to wish you well, it can be so very tough at ***** and in all honestly there is no miracle cure……but I know when I gamble it feels wrong and I feel really guilty when I do it, so for me the only advice I could give you is “just follow your heart” I know this may not be a great help but just wanted you to know I was reading your journal and really do understand, I can only ever stay gamble free one day at a time and just for today I will not gamble and with that I am and have to be very happy, take care my friend and wish you well, all the very best love Maverick.

    • #10983
      libbie
      Participant

      Thanks for that Maverick.very sweet.
      I am trying…sometimes harder than others I guess..I am grateful that today I had a pretty good day and I did not have huge urges…so one day behind anyway…Can only hope tomorrow goes as well…I really hate this disease…and for the life of me cannot figure anything good about it or why it landed on me…A lot in my DNA maybe…an Uncle who was very successful earlier in life and **** penniless and estranged from friends and family   and many more members of my family on both sides..although most now deceased..Maybe I am them reincarnated ..lol. Have to try this one day at a time Mantra..
      Good night and best of luck to you as well..I am very grateful for this site

    • #10984
      neva
      Participant

      Hi Libbie, you might have to limit your time with your boyfriend. I had to do that with my mom.  It’s painful but she was too much of a trigger.  Do what’s best for YOU.

    • #10985
      libbie
      Participant

      You are right Neva…but I see things so black and white…Do I limit the time with him or break it off altogether to see if I can totally focus on my abstinence..? I get so confused as to what is the right thing to do! When he was here, we went to the casino…his idea but of course I did not put up a fight as I should have..I went with only $60 and no cards and was up 3 ***** that and really was ready to leave..but he encouraged me to stay "because I was enjoying myself" (his words)…Of course I gave back the $60…Not a big deal money wise but I was angry…why didn’t he say "let’s go" when I offered that up?
      Anyway–back on track for now…and very busy which is good..very exhausted…which is not good..
      Hope all is well with you Neva..Have not had time to read and post the last few days..which I hope to soon..Have a wonderful day.

    • #10986
      vera
      Participant

      Hope the weekend is going well for you Libbie!
      Giving up gambling is not easy. I try to think of it as "saving my money" or " enjoying a simple life" rather than " doing without gambling"! That way, I fell less deprived! My salary went into my account on Thursday and so far has been used for "normal" expenses only. I really don’t know what causes us to gamble in such a destructive manner but I do know I spent thousands upon thousands while I was to trying to figure out why, usually did my analysing while sitting in casinos feeding machines and adding even greater confusion, chaos and havoc to my trauma. I think most of us will never find out why we do this crazy thing!
      I was impressed by something Ican wrote on another thread. She said "My Cg is a spoilt brat!"
      I know I feel like a spoiled brat when I refuse to discipline myself by saying no to the first urge. When I decide to gamble, flying bullets won’t hold me back or so I have convinced myself. This thinking is seriously flawed! There are lots of things that could hold us back and if we continue to indulge ourselves selfishly and irresponsibly we might just find out to our detriment. God forbid, we could be struck down with a heart attack from the stress, crash the car on our journey home or find ourselves totally destitute and then we would have to say a definite no to that "Spoilt Brat"! (On a few occasions I felt the casino spinning and I thought I would faint and be carried out from pure stress of losing money and exhaustion from spending twelve hours fasting and sitting in one position! Crazy carry on!)
      We just have to admit we have crossed the line into a very dangerous zone, Libbie, and for TODAY that is a NO GO AREA! Unless we use stronger methods to deal with this addiction it will be our ruination. That’s one thing we know from experience.  Changing external behaviour is only the tip of the iceberg I know but for now it will keep us safe!
      Just for today, I will not gamble! I hope you are saying likewise!
      Keep posting!

    • #10987
      libbie
      Participant

      ***** Vera girl!..
      My weekend was very hectic so I was not on here much..I had a few easy days because I was working and buying antiques at auction so I was not consumed by the gambling thoughts…Let’s say they were at 40% instead of the some***** 90%…Today started to get rough again..I cannot tell you how many ***** I thought about hopping in the car and going and I, like you, am like a mad woman when the urges overtake me…Almost nothing stands in my way…
      My aunt from out of town called me..She has helped me out financially in the past (not lately) and is like a surrogate mom to me since my mom **** when I was 15…but she was so furious when she found out about my gambling a few years ago…Today she asked…"You’re not gambling, are you?" and I did last week but **** and said no…got off the phone and cried about how I *** and how hard a time I have some*****..and how I feel misunderstood about this..But I understand her position as well..It’s just lunacy to do this and expect a different result…
      I am reading a book "Seat of the Soul" by Gary Zukhov and he has a very good chapter on addiction…basically saying that the addiction is not stronger than you ..It is just how much effort you  have to exert…and that if you have to fight the urge 12 ***** a day…well, then…that is what you do…challenge it every single time it comes up and eventually it loses its power..Would that I could wait that long!
      So–not gambling at least for today! I know I will feel better tomorrow to have this day behind..
      Hope you are hanging in there ..Got those boxing gloves on at work – do you? lol

    • #10988
      jackie58
      Participant

      Be strong, I know what you are feeling.  It is horrible to be constantly thinking about gambling.  Be strong and let’s take one day at a time.
       

    • #10989
      vera
      Participant

      Still here Libbie?
      I too, was kind of obsessed with finding out "why" for a long time. While I was looking for the answer (in casinos,of course) it was costing me time, money and health. Today, I tell myself I don’t have to find the cause. (I believe the root cause is very complex and we may never pinpoint the exact reason why we gamble) but what we CAN do is stop gambling. Stop self destructing . Stop asking. Maybe when we stop looking for thrills we will find peace. Real inner peace will give us all the answers we need Libbie.
      Just for today, let’s not over analyse!

    • #10990
      libbie
      Participant

      Hey Vera—been off of here for a few days…Very busy…like a rat on a wheel…trying to make money to continue paying off my debts..It’s exhausting..Of course I have made it worse by having these relapses..Have tried to make money by going to a casino..what a joke…I remember someone in a GA meeting said how could you possibly fix a problem by engaging in the problem itself…so true..
      The other thing I was reflecting on today was how this gambling thing totally changes my moral compass…It’s sad , really..I come from a good family with high standards and gambling has caused my own standards to slip..I hate that I have **** and tried to cover things up…and that too is exhausting..
      That being said, today was pretty calm and I got a lot done…Who knows what will happen if that gambling demon starts to rise in me again…I feel determined to hold it at bay…
      Sorry I have not been on..Sometimes I just get kinda "numb" about all of this and I retreat.Nice to come back on and see your "rah-rahs"
      I was reading about this Gordon Moody in the UK..We don’t really have anything like this in the US…Actually we do…but only for war veterans… Uh–they are hardly the only compulsive gamblers that could use this kind of treatment center..I wonder why they don’t have it here?! Probably the casinos are trying to keep it out! Gotta keep all the good compulsive gambler customers walking in the door!
       

    • #10991
      neva
      Participant

      Libbie, I agree that gambling changes our moral compass!  But, the good thing is we never lose it and once gambling isn’t part of our lives our word is good again.  I wish there was an easy way to stop this addiction but the only thing that makes it easier is to use barriers that will stop us when we can’t stop ourselves. 
       

    • #10992
      libbie
      Participant

      You are so right…I have had the strongest urges the last few days but have fought through them and am glad I did..Now I am thinking about the last few barriers I have left open..I MUST put them in place but have not done so…allowing myself permission to be irresponsible if the urges get too strong? I KNOW the barriers work…I don’t give one thought to the places I have excluded from…I don’t have anyone I can turn my money over to…or at least anyone I would feel comfortable doing so…I see with so many on here that really works for people..Paid off another little chunk of my debt..It’s going so slowly! I get into a pity party about it…and why should I–I created it!
      Anyway…another day behind! Phew!
      Have a nice day everybody!.

    • #10993
      vera
      Participant

      Thanks for posting to my thread Libbie! I was just switching off when I saw your post.Bed time!
      Almost half way through May! Hope you are still G free?
      Tempus Fugit!

    • #10994
      libbie
      Participant

      I am still G Free…but with urges…and exhausted…was hoping for a better state of mind to start my day today…makes it easier to push through…Today I have to travel around for work to about 10 retirement homes to interview them…better than sitting at a desk all day…
      Have a great day!
       

    • #10995
      vera
      Participant

      Just to say I’m thinking of you Libbie and wondering what became of you?!  I haven’t seen a post from you for quite some time.
      ‘Hope you are a better place than I am!
      There aren’t many places that could be worse…
      Give us an update when you feel like it!

    • #10996
      p
      Participant

      I hope you are ok too Libbie.. just as you are worried about Libbie Vera i was worried about you, asking the same thing of you to come back and post.. i knew you were around in chat but hadnt seen a post. Hoping that the both of you are ok on this journey and that no matter what is happening still come back.. though i also know what i am like when i decide not to so really i know you will all come back when you are ready to.
      P

    • #10997
      vera
      Participant

      Thanks for posting to my thread Libbie!
      Well done on coming back. It is not easy!
      We just have to tell ourselves, "I can’t gamble". When I begin to ask if I want to give up, the answer is always "no" ! When I say "I have to give up", eventually the gamble devil tells me "You don’t HAVE to FOREVER! You can play "the odd time"!
      As CGS we CANNOT GAMBLE,not EVER!!
      Sad , but true, but for today , I can cope with that fact!
      Keep postingLibbie! I missed you and I miss Mythea and so many others…..where is everybody?

    • #10998
      libbie
      Participant

      It had been so long, I had not even seen the posts from you and P from July 7th…and WHERE is MYTHEA.?.I am going to look her up on here..She was doing so great…
      Today was actually easy..It’s when I get into the days of real struggle that it’s a problem (duh–same for everyone – right?). I know when I am fighting, I have to fight a little harder…but then that obstinate side of me says "No"..I don’t want to fight any harder..like a child..pathetic..and sometimes I give in…and then it makes it that much harder to start again..
      I’m going to try to join in some of the chat rooms..only did that 1 time on here..and I KNOW I have to go to a GA meeting ..I always say I need to but never actually do it…so now I am stating on here that next week I am definitely going to a GA meeting
      Too bleary eyed to read or write any more..going to sleep..Nice to be here again…will be doing some reading on here tomorrow//
       

    • #10999
      slotjunkie
      Participant

      Definitely hook up in the chat rooms Libbie. The chat rooms here have helped me immensely. I know from experience that g.a. works. It is nice to be around people that been where you are at. No matter what the other people gambled on, the result was still the same. Ga really does work for me.

    • #11000
      libbie
      Participant

      Yes–I know GA works for so many people..I had a bad experience..Some old timer in there (who I suspected was actually gambling again) came down on me in a meeting..I think he was embarrassed and hurt that I switched from him to another sponsor and he really humiliated me in front of everybody, accusing me of wasting someone’s time doing a pressure relief while I was buying a new car (which I needed as mine had ****)..It was awful..Everyone came down on him, but it really did a number on me ..Then my sponsor **** (in his sleep)..I just quit going..Excuse? Yes maybe but the whole thing triggered me gambling! Now recently I spoke to someone in the group and I casually mentioned I was thinking of this woman Doris – of asking her to be my sponsor…and the person told me she had **** recently…I’m thinking – are you kidding me ? What kind of Karma or sign is this?Anyway–I am going to go next week..for no other reason than I declared I would.I’m actually nervous about it– 8/3/2013 3:31:10 PM: post edited by libbie.

    • #11001
      neva
      Participant

      Wow Libbie, don’t blame you for not wanting to be part of ga.  It’s odd how we perceive things in life but don’t stay away from gambling after ‘it’ treats us so badly. I’m only saying that because of my own experiences. We don’t have a GA here but I wish I had some face to face support this weekend.  Stay strong Libbie.

    • #11002
      libbie
      Participant

      Yes–I think face to face and telephone time does help in ***** of need..Neva – where do you live that they don’t have GA?
      Well–I recently broke off with my boyfriend and was faced with 3 days off of work with much time unplanned..I drove to the casino 2 1/2 hours away and I excluded myself..Good – yes- but not before I lost $400…so –  bad…but at least I will never have the thought of going there again..I am so down…crying a lot…but going out to dinner later and have plans tomorrow…

    • #11003
      neva
      Participant

      I’m in Washington State…a small town with no grocery store but the is a thriving casino.  Are you anywhere near me?  I would love to have someone to meet up with on the weekends that had a shared desire to avoid the casino on the weekends. I tried to start a GA but couldn’t find a single soul willing to attend. Good for you in banning!  Losing that $400 was tough but at least you know you won’t be repeating it as long as the ban is in place.  Sorry about the boyfriend.  Even though it was your choice, I know it’s still hard. 
       

    • #11004
      libbie
      Participant

      Gosh, no–I am in Ohio! Of course, if you are ever over this way, do let me know..Trying to start a group is a brave thing..Could you put an ad in the local paper with a response to an email or PO Box  or something? I am sure there are people out there but would want to remain anonymous at first anyway…and maybe you could reach people a little further away..I know an older man who started a group here and the people in the group are so grateful to him..
      Yes–I am so relieved I am banned from that casino…I am off work today and otherwise I KNOW I would be entertaining the thought of going somewhere far..There is one more casino 3 hours away that I used to love..I banned myself but for a year only and could go back if I wrote a ltter to them…so that is my next challenge….Barriers do work..I really wish there were someone I could turn all my money over to but there is nobody..I am really fine with money in all other areas, but if I have extra I will always think about the casino.
      It’s such a shame..I work so hard …Besides working at an assisted living facility 3 days per week, I sell antiques and other things on Ebay–have been doing so since 98..Sometimes, I do very well but I hustle like crazy…very labor intensive…all to blow it in one day in a casino…madness!
      The boyfriend thing is another story…yes, it’s been hard…I don’t think we were meant to be for many reasons but I miss him..I really think a lot of the breakup had to do with my gambling…and some other lost realationships (girlfriends) are a result of that as well..I become a different person around the gambling…not someone I like..
      So, off to an auction right now…Have a nice day and hopefully an easy one…I am starting day 2 and thankfully am busy all day :).

    • #11005
      vera
      Participant

      Losing your boyfriend (and other friends)will definitely drive you back to the casino to fill the void. Lonliness and loss are common factors in gambling, I think.
      Having no available venue is a bonus! In Ireland the self-exclusion is only a verbal arrangement. Unless the staff know you. you can easily go in and play (THROW MONEY AWAY). I’m banned from lots of places but every town in Ireland has at least one den of eniquity and of course as soon as a CG enters that town, a casino draws us like a magnet, like a spider attracts a fly to a web.
      Try to find a few new friends Libbie.
      Having company when you out is a deterrent.
      Still no sign of Mythea!
       

    • #11006
      libbie
      Participant

      Thanks for the post Vera girl…I do still have some friends..my gambling is a secret to them though ….but I lost some major ones…and the boyfriend…It is true…I have run to the casino to fill the void…but went out to dinner with a friend last night and to the movies today..I am feeling some exhiliration from excluding myself…don’t think it will last though..
      I know what I must do…start over in some areas, vill the void…or I will be back out there again…I SAY I am going to go back to the gym, look for a new job (and boyfriend..lol) , but I don’t actually DO these things..Why I keep doing the same things and expect a different result is almost funny..won’t happen..
      V-did you try posting on MYTHEA’s old thread?
       

    • #11007
      neva
      Participant

      Libby, it’s tough to ‘get out there’ and meet new people…especially a new man.  I hope I never have to date again! Like you, I don’t share that I have a gambling problem with my co-workers and friends.  Everyone seems to have money worries so I don’t think I stick out more than anyone else…but maybe I’m kidding myself.  I have plenty of people that want to hang out, shop or lunch but I don’t confide in any of them.  I wonder if hiding this gambling addiction keeps us from cultivating deeper relationships.  
      That’s great that you are feeling good about the self exclusion.  I hope it serves you well.   Anything we do to protect ourselves is a good step.

    • #11008
      libbie
      Participant

      Today is day 4 and this is always the day where toruble can brew..I feel better, calmer, and the thoughts start creeping in..so this is what I think—I feel better…but I don’t feel great…and when I gamble I feel great…but always followed by complete devastation…But my mind keeps remembering the "great" part…Maybe I have to get used to feeling better…but maybe I will rarely  ever feel great…and that is what I will have to live with…tough for me

    • #11009
      icandothis
      Participant

      I am reading a book about changing our bad habits and replacing them with habits that serve us.  It says that the pain of our bad habit must be worse than the short-term pleasure that the habit brings us.  And also greater than the fear of changing that habit.  We need to use that pain as leverage to make the necessary change.  Makes perfect sense…and yet, Why do we CG’s remember the "great" and forget the "complete devastation".  And why do I continue to believe there might be a "great" in my future?  When we share our stories with each other, I think GT helps to remind us of the pain.  We have to remember the devastation…the pain and use it as leverage to change.  That’s all.  lol  Honestly, I think our CG brains are wired differently.  In other areas of my life, remembering the good and forgetting the bad has served me…but not with gambling.  I think we have the power to rewire our brains.  Let’s start with reminding ourselves that gambling is a sh##ty thing to do!
      I also asked myself, Why would I be afraid to stop gambling?  It didn’t make sense.  Then I realized that I believe that if I stop gambling, I will be giving up my only excitement or hope of excitement in my life.  I am afraid that without gambling, my life holds no excitement…nothing to look forward to.  The problem is that gambling dulls the excitement and joy that these other activities might bring.   I have no solutions…just some food for thought.  A person like me, beginning yet another Day 1 should not give advice.   I can though remind you of the devastation that one decision to give it another try brings, I can offer my support on your journey, and I can lift up my coffee cup and begin to believe in and to toast to some exciting gamble free days ahead!

    • #11010
      libbie
      Participant

      I hear you…I mean – we don’t play in traffic because we know we’ll get hit by a car..but we keep doing this "thing", these actions , that we KNOW causes damage..but there is a part of my brain that still thinks I will win, it will be fun…etc etc..This is NOT true..Even if I win, I lose, because it starts the cycle all over again…I think someone ***** to ***** me upside the head…lol
      I start to cry when I think about the shame of it..I have a nice son and I have hurt him I know by leading this life…and it is just plain wrong..This is what I tell myself..this is wrong..and if I am really sorry for the harm I have caused and people I have hurt, then I should stop..
      All I can say is that I will not gamble today..That I am promising..I am not having too easy of a day and my whiny self wants it to be easy..
      One thing I forced myself to do..I purchased a promotional few sessions of dance lessons and I finally called up to make the appointment..It’s excercise..maybe a new avenue for me..Really – I have been putting it off so I took that first step..sounds trivial but it’s something!.
      Ican–If today is day 1 for you, then so be it..Get through today..Even 1 clean day is a victory…I hope it’s an easy one for you..

    • #11011
      libbie
      Participant

      Day 5–over the horrific anguish that comes immediately after a day at the casino…but the urges are pretty strong at certain ***** of the day and I have this thought process of getting in the car and driving to the casino for a little "vacation"..That’s funny – vacations are supposed to revitalize you and trips to the casino end up totally devastating me, so I have to really "get" that so I don’t get in the car and just drive away..Now that I have excluded myself from all the close places, it is 2 1/2 hours to go anywhere..so that has been a deterrent..But  in the past, nothing more than chaining me to a wall would prevent me from going..I had a free day yesterday and it was tough not going..Constant inner talk and reading on this site to not go but I am glad I did not..My girlfriend gave me "Downton Abbey" – all the season up to now on DVD so I watched it non stop..loved it
      I still have not done certain things to get me committed in some other areas..like going to GA and / or the gym…but this will have to do  for now..

    • #11012
      vera
      Participant

      The box set of The Sopranos replaced gambling for me , for a while , Libbie. I treated myself to it and got hooked. The only time I would watch it was with hubby and son. I never watch TV or DVDs alone. I very seldom watch TV. I suppose I was too busy "watching" slot machines…The Sopranos sure provides a buzz….my daughter bought me Mad Men. I watch it occasionally, but Im not hooked on it. I would love to see Downton Abbey. When winter sets in , I will get the set.
      About my retirement thoughts, Libbie. I have given over 8 years to this job. The workload is increasing. The hours are increasing. The annual leave is being reduced. My boss is leaving . My health is below par. I’m getting old!. These would be my reasons for leaving. When I get some sleep, I will post my reasons for staying….
      I won’t make any hasty decisions, but a Cat said, God shows us when the time is right. I believe that. There are ways we learn how to "read the sign of the *****" . It comes with life’s experience.
      Gambling has cost me sooo much. I have worked for nothing for the past 8 years. It all went on debt repayment and I still owe over 40 grand!
      I will think about that tomorrow!
      It’s 1 am now!
      Don’t bother travelling that distance to gamble Libbe. Think of that lonely drive home!

    • #11013
      libbie
      Participant

      If you can afford to quit and it’s that bad, then you should..I quit my last job that was too emotionally damaging with a bi-polar boss and a horrible atmosphere…Even though I have not gotten into a better or even equal position , I have never regretted leaving..
      However, just think of planning your time so you won’t end up in the casino every spare moment you have…and you WILL have a lot more spare moments if you retire..
      I know what you mean about just working to pay debt..I am so sick of it…and lately I went backwards…In 6 months I qualify for social security here (talk about old!) and I can take it now at 62 or wait til 66 and get more per month..but I am taking it now…..So I need all the help I can to go in the right direction and take that monthly income and put it towards my debt and savings and NOT in the slot machines..
      Day 5 behind and working tomorrow , but too much of my thoughts have turned to going at some point…I feel so much better not having gone..and I have more money too…So WHY would I risk it???I haven’t a clue… I will try to not turn my thought into actions and ruin this little bit of time I have..
      Me to bed as well
      g’night!

    • #11014
      libbie
      Participant

      Day 7 starting today..I know I am much calmer now…not the severe depression that comes with the gambling roller coaster..The urges are there..Not as strong as in the first few days when I needed a straight jacket…but they are there…but what is bad is that the thoughts are still there..daydreams about gambling…this is a danger sign I know..I just keep thinking "Why would I want to risk losing this modest serenity I have? and why have I done it again and again..Would love to know the reason..
      Off to find some antiques at an estate sale!

    • #11015
      icandothis
      Participant

      Hi Libbie,  So glad you made it through day 4 and beyond.  My husband and I watched Downton Abbey last March when I was sick.  Loved it!  First season was on Netflix, then I bought the rest.  Money well spent…not like gambling.  I felt so bad physically, but when I look back on those winter days, I remember them fondly. Some attachments are easier to live with than others!

    • #11016
      neva
      Participant

      Hi Libbie.  You haven’t posted for almost a week.  Hope everything is okay.  The weekends are the tough time for me so thought I’d check in with you and maybe we can motivate each other the next two days.  Hang in there Libbie.  A good life is waiting if you so choose.  Sherry

    • #11017
      libbie
      Participant

      Thanks for the post Sherry :)..Usually if I stay away, it means I am gambling but thankfully this time it’s not the case! It’s a great thing that I excluded from nearby casinos, because there were a few ***** I would have swung my car around for a quick stop in.
      I know what you mean about the weekends…or for me, any days off from work with time on my hands ( I have some days off during the week). I am working this weekend so I am safe…and I am going to Chautauqua next Wednesday with my aunt and cousin on a short vacation…I know if I gamble it will ruin my time with them so I am going to really try to stay away the days before .Unfortunately, hanging with my out of town family has always been a big trigger for me…Don’t know why..
      Try to be strong this weekend..Do just one thing new and different (and constructive) to not think about gambling..We have to train our addicted brains to go in another direction! For me, I don’t want to ruin the clean time I have ..and just start that awful "withdrawal" period all over again..
      Wishing you a calm and easy day!
       

    • #11018
      neva
      Participant

      That’s a lot of figurines.  You probably have to take a picture and describe each one don’t you?  Lots of work but keeps you out of trouble.  I think having something important to do would make the weekends easier. Hope your out of town family doesn’t lead to gambling.  I know my ‘habit’ or routine was to hit the casinos on the 3.5 hour trip over and back so I rarely go visit the kids and grandkids.  They can come to my house now.

    • #11019
      neva
      Participant

      Don’t lay too low Libbie. You need to be posting especially when you are gambling.  I do the same thing though…avoid posting when I’m in action.  I hate how this addiction is so hard to break so just making it so I can’t get to cash seems to be the best insurance for me.  At least I can’t have any really big losses that way.
      I’m going back on the lemon drink tomorrow morning.  I think I undid all the benefits this weekend but I’m looking forward to starting again.
      If working helps keep gambling thoughts away, maybe working more hours is the answer.  I’ve thought of that before.  Even a minimum wage job would pay big if it kept us from gambling!
       

    • #11020
      libbie
      Participant

      You know – you are right…I do better when I am working…but when I work so much I can’t wait to get out of work.and I come home exhausted and it’s not much of a life either..I need a balance – work and socializing – but NOT gambling!.I really have to think about this and take some steps..It’s an impulse control disorder…I went this last time with abandon and not even putting those barriers in place..What was I thinking? I could have at least done that!
      I read some other posts today..about not ******** the days and thinking about a gamble free life..not just days..It’s really hard to picture it right now – like a forever thing..
      By the way–there is a great book called "Help Me Because I can’t Help Myself" and it talks about gambling in the most realistic way I have ever read..I lent it to someone a few years ago and never got it back but am going to try to get it again..
       

    • #11021
      libbie
      Participant

      Off to New York for 4 days …Day 6 not gambling..have been very stressed about this trip and have wanted to go to the casino very badly but I fought it..Wishing everyone calm, gamble free time!

    • #11022
      vera
      Participant

      Hope your trip turns out better than you anticipate, Libbie!
      When I read about that "Cleanse" , I thought, " I could do that!" I was wondering if it s before, after or during meals, but when I googled it and found out it’s "Instead of!", I quickly changed my mind. Planning on eating a few bars of chocolate now, to further clog my arteries! I must be in a self destruct ****!!
      Safe journey!

    • #11023
      libbie
      Participant

      Just home from my trip..Much better than expected…I actually had a very nice time and just focused on present activities instead of comparing myself to my wealthy siblings and their ultra-successful friends..All that stress (and gambling 10 days ago) for nothing..It is so weird that I go into that life..All these people leading "normal" lives with more lofty goals…and I fit in while there…and I come home to this"other" life I lead..I actually thought about going to the casino the minute I walked off the plane!!! But I did not..
      Have to go to work in a few hours so a guarantee of not gambling again..but I feel like I am drfiting and do not have a solid purpose going forward..Hoping to try the cleanse again!
      Hope you all are doing well..I have to go on later tonight and read up here..No time now 🙂

    • #11024
      cat438
      Participant

      Libbie, glad that your trip went better than you thought!!!  I have a tendency to compare myself to others and it was one of my kids who said don’t do that, you are who you are and be proud of it.   This addiction has taken much from us in regards to our financial aspect, our self esteem etc., but think how far you have come.  You paid off a tremendous amount of debt and you are in recovery.  You have to take it one day at a time and you will get there.  You have to remember that you are worth fighting for.  I am sure that  your family may not understand the gambling addiction because I know that until it came knocking at my door I did not understand it either.  I know that I did not understand why my brother who is an ********* could not just stop drinking.  I understand so much more now.  I love him as he is now and feel nothing but compassion for him.  I know if I start to compare myself with others I end up getting down on myself, and then it would send me gambling to escape.  I am working up courage to try the cleanse that you and Sherry have been doing LOL  Have a wonderful gamble free day.One day at a time my sweet lord…

    • #11025
      libbie
      Participant

      Thanks Cat–was it you who posted that "In between" piece..I loved that..That is me…except that I have been feeling "in between" for so long, I feel I will never get to a place of comfort..I cannot come to terms that I had really good jobs and more good relationships..I feel very much adrift now and have felt that way for several years now and know that it is one reason I keep relapsing..the casino is that safe haven for me but so temporary and with so much damage..I know I will Never move forward if I keep running back to that security blanket..
      During my visits to my family, nothing is ever said about the gambling..I think they think I have stopped for good and have never relapsed..They know I have accumulated debt..They pay for my trips but nobody offers me financial support and that is the way it should be..I would be embarrassed at this point to receive it, but it is SO hard and SO long to pay off what I owe..and of course my relapses have set me  back..
      I know I get good advice on here and don’t feel so odd when I read similar stories to my own..I have compassion and undertanding for everyone on here..I have compassion and understanding for all addiactions because they are all the same..doesn’t matter if it is food, *****, gambling..An urge is an urge, no matter what..I am grateful I am stuck with only one addiction..but it is a doozy!

    • #11026
      p
      Participant

      Hi Libbie
      I hope that you are going well and i was just wondering how things are going. I like what you write. I too have compassion for people with addiction, if its booze or ***** or anything really. It is the obsession that destroys us no matter what our poison. I feel i am unable to judge anyone really. I look forward to reading more of your posts, i think you have a kindness that shines through.
      P

    • #11027
      icandothis
      Participant

      I agree with P. Thanks for your post. We are in the same boat, Libbie. One that is sinking, I am afraid. So many leaks! lol We have some choices. Keep gambling and sink. Fix the leaks. Get a new boat. We can do this Libbie!

    • #11028
      vera
      Participant

      Just wondering where you got to Libbie?
      Hope all is well in your world and you haven’t “crawled back under that security blanket!”
      Maybe work or family visits are keeping you away.
      Either way, I want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers!
      I started watching Downton Abbey. Got the box set. Money well spent. Keeps me out of the casino (today)! I love it!

    • #11029
      libbie
      Participant

      Hey vera..thanks for thinking of me…I have been on and off the wagon and jump in from time to time for inspiration and to see how everyone is doing..I did have a bad bout 3 weeks ago…did damage…financially of course but more than that I was feeling truly insane ..I do so believe that gambling changes the brain, and especially in the case of a cg…I feel better now overall but know I have to stay so careful..I am afraid to gamble and afraid not to gamble!! But this I know: gambling is such a lose lose situation: If I win, I want to go back and if I lose I feel so horrible and do such damage..so WHAT is the point?
      I have been following your threads a bit..so are you retiring or what? I have decided to take early Social Security which I get in March and is actually more than I thought it would be based on my old earnings which used to be good..looking forward to maybe a little financial relief from that and maybe will not have to work so hard and can BREATHE!
      I have to run..I often wonder about Mythea and… (Oh I forgot her user name- has been off about a month or so)..I don;t forget anyone even tho it may seem I am out of sight..Back with the boyfriend for now..
      Gotta run Hugs and will be back

    • #11030
      icandothis
      Participant

      Hi Libbie, I think I am procrastinating about posting on my own thread, but I have been thinking about you lately and hoping you are enjoying the holiday season. I am guilty of staying away a long time and then posting like crazy hoping every one was here all along posting like crazy. I am finding that is not the case. It is so quiet around here. No perfection on this journey of mine, but I am learning to claim my journey for what it is…MINE! Hope to hear from you soon.

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