Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total)
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  • #4425
    HammyH
    Participant

    I am the wife of a cg and am now truly sick and tired of this situation. I have been married for 14 years to a what I originally thought was a wonderful man. So kind, the life of the party, little did I know the huge secret he had. It started out slowly we would go to the casino together – me So naive. Then gradually I began to see money I had in different spots go missing. There was always an excuse as to where it went. Over the years my husband has opened credit cards in my name, pawned by late father’s jewellery that was meant to go to my brother, borrowed money off my relatives, forged checks in my name, stolen my childrens Birthday,Christmas, Toothfairy money, charged thousands and thousands on my credit card, stolen my bank card to withdraw money. These situations seem to be happening more frequently where he is really just going to work to earn gambling money. I did allow him to use my credit cards and bank card until I lost it last week after I found out he gambled away another $10,000. I am trying to do the best for my two girls aged 10 and 11, they love their father and I do too except for this aweful person he becomes when it comes to money. I have an excellent credit rating and a great job so I basically have been financing this family for a long time. I thought I was the only one sleeping with my purse until last night when I found this site and read some of the posts. I felt a huge relief knowing I wasn’t the only one. I have been going after my husband, shaming him, swearing at him, threatening him and unfortunately some of these brutal fights with his lies and crap have been in front of my daughters. I have not told them what is going on but I really want to. They see him as the good guy and me as the mean person always picking a fight with him. I have asked him to leave but he has no where to go and has no job. I pay for everything right now.

    I really just want to rip his head off at times 🙂 It is so frustrating that he won’t admit he has a problem and has every excuse in the books. He lives a secret life when he goes out in the morning I have no idea where he is going and when he’ll be back. He did tell me the other day that he had to go to the police station because he was trying to get a loan off of someone online and that now these people were threatening him. Over the years we have had several people come to our house and bang on the door looking for my husband. He told me someone else was looking for him to beat him up over an unpaid loan. I’m just so sick of it I can’t take it anymore.

    #4426
    Dunc
    Keymaster

    <

    Hello

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team


    PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

    privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    #4427
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Hammy
    I am glad that you have already had relief from reading some posts on here and knowing you are not alone. Now that you are part of our forum I hope that soon you will be feeling less sick and tired and more like the person you want to be.
    Not one word you have written is misunderstood, everything you have experienced is recognised on this forum, including wanting to rip his head off, so be assured that there is no judgement of either of you – just understanding.
    You wrote that your husband is a good man, apart from when it comes to money but money is only the addiction’s tool, not the problem – the ‘gamble’ itself is the soul destroyer. I am bringing up my thread entitled ‘The F&F Cycle’ which I hope will help you.
    As you have already found, shaming, swearing, shouting doesn’t change a thing, just as loving, forgiving, pleading, weeping does nothing, so where does that leave you? A favourite expression all over this site is that when nothing has worked ‘it is time to do something different’. My words may seem inadequate but the best way to combat this terrible addiction is to look after you first. I have no doubt your self-esteem and self-confidence are lying in shreds around you, leaving you vulnerable which gives your husband’s addiction the ability to have an unacceptable control of ‘your’ life. With knowledge of his addiction and with you in control of your life you will cope better and confuse his addiction in a way it has not been challenged before.
    I suggest you put money into accounts over which your husband has no control and better still no knowledge. It is better to sleep on your purse than to lose money which causes you to become upset. Your daughters are too young to understand something which most of us with far too many years behind us struggle to understand. Personally I believe that trying to make sense of the senseless is just a waste of time and energy, time and energy better spent doing something you enjoy. With you back in the driving seat your daughters will have a wonderful role model to look up so that when they grow into young adults and learn about this addiction they will be strong, like their mother.
    I am going to end my first post there Hammy apart from one question – does your husband accept he has a problem and if so does he want to change? There is an F&F only group tonight 20.00 -21.00 hours UK time where we communicate in real time. I hope these times are ok with you. It would be great to ‘see’ you there; nothing said in the group appears on the forum.
    Well done writing this first post, the first one is the hardest.
    Velvet

    #4428
    HammyH
    Participant

    Thank you Velvet for your very thoughtful post. As I read it I had tears streaming down my face. I’m just looking for some understanding and a way out. I got much comfort for your words. In answer to your question, no my husband does not acknowledge he has a problem. He blames me for wanting too much from him. It seems everything comes back to being my fault. I just don’t know how much more I can take. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders right now and I’m going a long with a smile on my face for my girls. I have started to have panic attacks and suffer from depression. I just don’t see an end to this stupid gambling cycle, I’m so tired.

    I would love to join the F&F group however I live in Western Canada and need to figure out what time it is my time. Maybe next Tuesday.
    Thank you for your reply.

    #4429
    worriedmama
    Participant

    I am the mom of a compulsive gambler and I too live in Western Canada:) I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation… it really sucks!
    Your husband still is a wonderful man but he is also an addict. Trying to love the husband hate the addict can be virtually impossible hence, wanting to rip his head off. Here is a place where nothing you say will shock or surprise anybody. I think it is so important to acknowledge it and get it off your chest as living in the chaos that a gambler can create has us thinking we are losing our minds. You can get some perspective listening and talking/writing to others!
    As Velvet says the shaming, swearing etc. do no good… they can not hear you. The most important thing to do is to remove ANY access to money, credit etc that you can. At least this gives you control of the financial well being of you and your girls. Only he can decide this is a problem for him and that he needs help. However, by cutting off his access to money and not engaging in the lies, manipulation and general chaos you may be able to help him reach that point.
    I would also suggest you see if you have a Gam Anon in your area… it has been an invaluable source of support for me!

    Take Care and keep posting!

    Cathy

    #4430
    Dunc
    Keymaster

    Hi Hammy

    The link below may help you work out the group times. Ive set this as Edmonton which I believe is western Canada so hopefully the time difference is correct. 8pm UK is 1pm in Alberta. If the zone is wrong you can manually adjust the city

    Take Care H

    http://www.worldtimebuddy.com/?qm=1&lid=0,5946768&h=0&date=2015-11-25&sln=20-21

    #4431
    HammyH
    Participant

    Thank you so much for figuring out the time zones for me. I live just South of Edmonton in the same time zone. I will come to the next group meeting on Tuesday.
    Heather

    #4432
    velvet
    Moderator

    Dear Hammy
    I hope you know that your husband’s gambling is definitely not your fault and that blaming you is his way of deflecting responsibility for his actions.
    I agree with Worriedmama that Gamanon is a terrific place to get on-the-ground support – it is where I found my salvation. It took weeks for me to stop the tears long enough to say who I was and why I was there – so please don’t worry about the tears falling as you read this forum – they are hopefully the tears of relief and hope.
    I understand when you say you don’t know how much more you can take – I’m afraid this addiction brings those who love them all the way down, if they allow it. I allowed it because I was unaware it was an addiction in my home that was controlling my life and unfortunately the counsellors and psychiatrist I saw had me believing the problem was mine, which is why Hammy I am here writing to you – I know you can stop the roller-coaster even if you cannot stop your husband gambling.
    Never forget, in the midst of all the pain that you do not own your husband’s addiction – he is controlled by it but you do not have to be because even though it doesn’t remotely feel like it yet – you are stronger than his addiction.
    A coping method that many of us have used successfully, although not recognised professionally, is to separate our loved one from the addiction in our minds by imagining the addiction like a beast snarling away in the corner of the room, waiting to pounce when a wrong word is said – waiting for an excuse to justify its existence.
    When it is lying quietly in the corner your husband can be the life and soul of the party, the brilliant father and there might even be glimpses of the man you fell in love with. At some point in his life, your husband gambled for fun, just like so many people but for his personality, sadly, addiction was waiting and before he knew it he was compulsively gambling and the beast in the corner reared its ugly head.
    When you shout, threaten, plead the beast comes out of the corner driving a wedge between you, from that moment on your husband hears your words distorted by addiction and his replies are the replies of his addiction. A CG cannot walk away from the gamble which means they are constantly feeling failure which destroys their self-confidence and self-esteem. Lacking rationality and logic a CG uses lies and manipulation to cover feeling of worthlessness. With treatment the CG can tip addiction out of their minds leaving room for honesty and truth but they have to want to do it.
    I think it is better to stand back and listen when the addiction is in full flow because fighting back feeds it. This might seem negative but it removes you from the centre of the addiction and gives you time and energy to look after you.
    It is my belief and hope that you will gain strength by sharing on these pages. I don’t know what your outcome will be – over the years our members have travelled on every road and arrived at many different destinations but none of those outcomes are ever judged, we have to make of our lives what we will. I believe that with knowledge though we can make better informed decisions.
    Velvet

    #4433
    HammyH
    Participant

    Hi,
    Thank you for your comments Velvet. I am actually feeling a lot better now. I have taken action as recommended to me from members of this group. I have changed all of my passwords and PIN numbers for my credit cards and bank card, I’ve hidden my cheque book and taken all of my valuable jewelery to my safety deposit box at the bank. My biggest concern right now is that I have no idea who my husband owes money to. In one of our fights he said he was so disappointed in his friends because when he went to borrow money from them some said no. As I am seeing friends and neighbours I find my stomach in knots because I don’t know if he owes them money or not. They would be too polite to mention it to me – like my Mom and Dad although they know definitely not to lend him money.

    Things are calmer at home now because he has no money for gas so he’s just hanging out in the basement. Coming down from his last binge. He keeps threatening me that he can’t make any money if he can’t go to work but the reality is he only worked to have gambling money. He’s an independent contractor so any money he has made in the last couple of years went to his addiction.

    i’m just trying to take things one day at a time.

    #4434
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Hammy
    The addiction to gamble loves those who are too polite or too embarrassed to mention money being borrowed and not returned. If your husband has ‘borrowed’ from friends then it is his responsibility, not yours, to repay the debt. As long as people enable CGs, they do not feel the need to seek help.
    Getting support from other people is fantastic; telling other people there is a problem is difficult to say the least. This addiction divides families and friends but because it feeds on lies and secrecy it is hard to let others know that they are enabling if they lend money. If they lend money knowing, however, that your husband has a problem it is their problem, not yours, although very sadly it does keep your husband in the cycle. If they come to you to cover the ‘loan’ then, in my view, it is important to tell them that you will not pay gambling debts as that is enablement. I must reiterate that all this is what I would do – I cannot tell you that this is what you must do. I believe it is important never to lie to cover for a CG.
    There is no shame in telling people that your husband has this addiction, he didn’t ask for it or want it anymore than you did – but when friends and family become involved in the cycle, I believe, it is right and proper to give them information to protect themselves – and most importantly to help your husband. Unfortunately unless people have lived with the addiction to gamble, their opinions can be very narrow and not supportive so I prefer telling it as a statement rather than asking for opinions.
    We can only take one day at a time and some days are harder than others but keep posting and you will be able to make the right informed decisions for yourself.
    Velvet

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