[justonee]

Last night, I lost $1600 and I haven’t been able to sleep because of it. I had been awaiting a week for a withdrawl of $1200, but it was not successfully processed so the casino placed the money back into my account. Stupidly, I decided to play with some of that money because of urges. I told myself that it would only be $50 for a bit of entertainment since I had a bad day at work. That then became $100 reversed, then another $100, and before I knew it all the funds were reversed and depleted to $0. I was devastated! Instead of walking away, I tried to chase my losses and ended up giving the casino another $400. I felt so ill and depressed.

I’m 37 years old and have been trying to quit gambling for years. I am unable to hold steady employment, still live my parents, and have zero friends. Over the past 12 years, I have lost over $150K. I now only have a PT minimum wage job so I don’t make a lot of money, but everything sadly ends up going to gambling. I have struggled with anxiety, depression, and self-esteem issues most of my life, and I think gambling is my escape from loneliness and adulting. About 6 years ago, my family and my then boyfriend found out the truth about my gambling problem. However, they all chose to ignore it and offered no support nor help. They would only say, don’t do it again and that was that. I am trying to fix this problem alone. I tried to get help with counselling, but failed to go back after seeing 3 different doctors. I have difficulty expressing and sharing my feelings and do not feel comfortable in attending group sessions. I have self-excluded myself from numerous casinos, I’ve installed BetFilter and K9 on my phone, tablet, and laptop, but I found a way to get around the blockers. I have tried freezing my cards in ice so I wouldn’t have access, but then I have already memorized one of the cards so it became futile. When I couldn’t remember, I used an iron to quickly melt the ice so I could have access to the cards.

I want to quit gambling, but feel like I am a lost cause because I have no direction in life. I don’t have any passions. I don’t have any hobbies. I have nothing. As I write this, it makes me sad and all I want to do is get lost in the world of slots.

Any advice?

[Monica1]

You are not alone justonee. There are many in the same position as yourself. We are compulsive gamblers who are mostly unable to cash out and just want to keep playing the slots, You are lucky in one respect, you have youth on your side and can rebuild your life. This addiction will take everything from you, your money, sanity, self esteem and for some their life. I agree with you that the blockers are useless as I too quite easily got around them. Plus I too have had counsellors where it just didn’t work. Firstly, you have to really decide that you want to quit andmean it, hopefully before things deteriorate too much. . You can join the groups on Gordon moody where it is text based support. I also,found my family did it take this as seriously as I had hoped. Gambling is isolating and we isolate ourselves off from everything when we are in action. This makes guilt self esteem and any underlying depression worse. Do you have GA where you are? I found this to be the only thing that helped me. No one is a lost cause and at your years you certainly can make the changes you need to change your life. Tell your family and show them some literature about the damage compulsive gambling can do. Ask for their support. See your doctor as you do sound as though you have an underlying depression which gambling will make worse. It isn’t the solution to the problems in our lives. Keep posting and good luck.

[justonee]

Thank you, Monicau. It is comforting to know that I am not alone in this struggle. This forum has been helpful and hearing from another person who understands makes a difference. There is a language barrier between myself and my parents and they are illiterate so I don’t know how much help I can get from them, but thank you for the suggestion. I will try to find another doctor for help with depression. I’d rather spend money on a good doctor than on gambling. I hope that you too are doing well.

[i-did-it]

Hi Justine
If only you knew how familiar that story is. It feels like casinos deliberately delay paying out because the know that in a few days they won’t have to.
I think the first and most important thing is accepting that Is gone and it’s not coming back. Once you do this, it takes away the urge to chase losses by throwing more money after it.
Then follow all the advice you have been given.

If you are working part time could you ring and cancel your card, and pop into the bank when you need money ?

Really the secret is to cut off money or access, or better still both.
With regards to support. I am quite like you . I don’t really like the idea a of a counsellor . I couldn’t bear the thoughts if GA- I have been to a few meetings now (never spoken though) and it has been really nice . It took me several years to pick up the courage to go .

I hope this helps and well done on seeking support.

[justonee]

Hating myself for relapsing again and chasing losses. Only lasted three days without gambling, but it was all I could think about and consumed me. Despite being sleepy and barely keeping my eyes open, I spent 16 hours pressing the spin button and watching money go up and down, awaiting the “big win” screen from a feature. I got only a couple hours of sleep before work and didn’t even have dinner last night nor shower.

As much as I don’t want to go to GA, I think it is time to be courageous like user i-did-it. This forum has provided me with much needed comfort knowing that I am not alone, but I can’t beat this addiction by myself. I might not make much, but I think investing in an addiction counsellor might be better than wasting money at the casino.

[i-did-it]

Justonee,
Sorry I just noticed my phone is autocorrecting your name . It took me so many years to go to a meeting – couldn’t face it, afraid someone might know me , someone might see me go in , not really big into all that sharing , too intimidating – I had every reason in the world not to go . Three times I made it to the gate .
In the end , I went , I listened and I heard how people whose lives were in ruins have rebuilt everything . I listened to how they admitted defeat . I listened to how they have had wonderful holidays and beautiful homes – every single one of them has a gambling addiction.
I went , I didnt stop gambling the first week but I did text a wonderful non judgemental man who thanked me for helping him and then I got it – it’s the fellowship , the support , the non judgemental listening , the mutual respect whatever part of the journey you are on . There were no lectures , no orders , no “you should haves” , no interrrogations , no asking why you gambled , how you gamblerd , why you didn’t have barriers – just plain simple respect and a genuine desire to help others .

I have no idea why but after eight years I feel I am I finally starting to control this addiction .
Go the GA please – go and change your life – find one tomorrow if you can .
You deserve to be free from this pain. You deserve to have great things to look forward to – you can turn this around so fast you won’t believe it .
Hope this helps .

[Monica1]

Really can recommend GA justonee. We are compulsive gamblers and as soon as we realise that compulsive never can win and admit defeat then the sooner we can start the recovery journey. This is a powerful addiction that plays mind games. Many,sites are quite unscrupulous delaying withdrawals and keep,putting wins into accounts knowing the CG will play it,down to,0, and the system is rigged, because they always play down to 0. Like yourself I am solo. I got myself a sponsor early on in GA. it is virtually impossible to quit on your own. Admit gambling has you beaten and get the support you need. good luck and keep posting.

[justonee]

Hi Jappy799,

Thank you for the commentary. Sadly, I’ve relapsed yet again and on multiple occasions I thought; okay, I made $1000 I will walk away but instead it ends up being reversed and the cycle continues of making deposits to chase losses.

I was feeling really depressed yesterday and decided I need to make a plan as you suggested so I won’t have time to gamble. However, I let those plans go by the wayside this morning. I kept postponing going out and doing errands, cooking, and even feeding myself. Ended up wasting yet another full day glued to my laptop hoping for a big win that never comes.

This addiction has made me go insane! Today, I was talking aloud to myself and swearing at my laptop and even hitting the screen a few times. I would try to will the wins and asking it to give me the effing scatter ’cause it’s about time.

Are there any apps you use to help plan your day. I only make a mental to do list.

I am making plans for the next day to go toss out my laptop, close my bank account that allows me to gamble, and go to a support group.

Take care.

[justonee]

Thank you i-did-it for the insights. Yes, I am apprehensive about GA for all the same reasons. It helps to know that these feelings are not uncommon, and that I can’t expect to stop gambling right away even if I attend GA and that it takes time to get this addiction under control.

[justonee]

Hi Monicau,

I hope you are doing well. I have plans to go to a GA meeting this Thursday. Today, I am admitting defeat. I gambled earlier because I was feeling really depressed at my life. You are so right in that the casinos make it easy to reverse wins so that a compulsive gambler will keep spinning until it’s all gone. I did that today and after not being able to walk away with some money yet again, I am realizing that it is impossible for me to win. No more bets. I need to start this recovery journey.

Take care.

[justonee]

Today, I decided I have to take real actions to stop the gambling addiction. I began by tossing out my old laptop that allowed me to gamble. I have other devices that are being protected with numerous blocking programs. I am worried because I have an iPad that doesn’t have any blockers. I need to figure that out. Luckily, I’ve self-excluded myself from the last online casino account I had before I went to work yesterday morning. I am glad I did because when I came home, I tried to gamble ’cause I still had the laptop and at midnight my banking account would have allowed me to make a new transaction. Trying hard to remove the opportunities to gamble.

Then I went to my bank to close the account that was enabling me to easily make deposits. I had around $450 in the account and I thought I would get the cash and close the account. I had planned to eTransfer those funds to my other bank account which does not allow online transactions. For some reason, I decided I’d rather go into the bank and have it withdrawn as cash. Guess what? Instead, it turns out that I owed the bank $540 from a past old account and they took the $450 I had towards those old fees. So instead of having the $450 cash that I was going to use towards seeing a counsellor, I have nothing. I was upset at the whole situation and mad at myself that I didn’t do the eTransfer this morning as I had planned so that I could at least have some money until I next get paid. I wanted to cry! Why didn’t I do that transfer? I will try not to let this ruin my day as I have taken the first steps to recovery. This was to eliminate access to money despite not getting the funds. I’m next going to hand over my finances to a close friend of mine.

Tonight, I plan to go to my first GA meeting. I’m nervous. Often when I plan to do something that is new, I cancel at the last moment because of anxiety. However, after many posts in this forum as well as other sites it seems that GA has been the key factor in recovery. I am planning to keep occupied elsewhere and not think about gambling. I hope weekly GA meetings will eliminate the free time I would have used gambling.

Today, I choose not to gamble.

[Monica1]

Well done on your decision to go to GA. Let us all know about how you get on. I had absolutely nothing
, no funds as gambled the lot with no job when I stopped from mid August to early October. I survived and am still here, although I do have a lot of problems as you will see if you read my journal. So, forget the money lost from the bank. Once we have suffered enough as a cg we know it is time to stop. For most, they do not hit the absolute rock bottom as I did. It sounds as though you have a friend who will help you with managing money. this is good. as soon as I have any money, will do same lol. Good luck with GA. it really is the only thing that has really helped me. In respect of counselling you have to find a good one who understands this addiction or you could go round in circles as I did in the past, to no good at all,

[Rayman10]

hi there, ive had the same problem as you for years . you must realise that there is no way you can beat gambing, there is no such thing for an addict to set a limit of 50 .. it doesnt exist…. after losing that 50 there is a rush of adrenaline that makes u chase that loss until u damage ur account….. YOU must stop associating gambling with pleasure and only Associate it with the Disgusting empty feeling u get when youve lost it all…… any time i see or hear about a casino i remebered the time i HAD LOST IT ALL and how i felt inside…ive basically self excluded and condition myself to feel pain and sadness anytime i see or hear about gambling …and so far i am gaamble free for a year…. NOW self exclude ur self from every casino ….AND REMEMBER dont forget the depair u feel when u lose…. forget all the time u have chased and won… those times are just gambling fooling you to come back…..please take my advice

[Rayman10]

your story is all to familiar, starting small and then going in excess. its your advice that stopped me gambling for 18 months, however i recently relapsed and instead of losing 1600 like you…. i crazily had an adrenaline rush moment and lost 10000 in two nights….

Remember u telling me that we cant gamble…. we cant take losses…. the pride of admitting defeat is to much..so we chase ……. even a 5 dollar bet is to much…thats the gambling demon tricking u to come back…. u need to move on…. dont let the past affect your preset… u need to get out there…get freinds….enroll in gym, let another hobby be your best freind.

what helped me a lot is to remeber the sick feeling i get when losing everything and assosiate that with any act of gambling , gambling is not adreanline pre fun, its sickening , 

hope you went to your GA

 

[Dignetas80]

Corrections, You have NO ZERO friends, but many many compulsive gamblers are all your friends and family!!!! I have no friends, but someone like you with gambling addictions!!! We understand each other and relate our lives. May the light shine on your life and then me!!! We have destroyed our selves by gambling addiction so we need to stop however difficult that is

[marke]

I would echo the thoughts that you are not alone in your battle. This site is like a godsend and whenever you are feeling like you want to gamble then post something or read other posts to remind yourself of the trouble it will bring.
I like Rayman’s idea of ALWAYS remembering that sick feeling you get when you have have lost. I will be trying to do that. It is incredible how in the past I have had gambling benders, felt awful, had sleepless nights, said never again. However even within hours that can almost all be forgotten.
I like a lot of Monica’s posts on here, so read them – yes, thank you so much for sharing them Monica if you read this –
as she has said you have to surrender, that gambling has us beat, use help and take things step by step.
By the way the whole thing about delaying withdrawals, (by stalling account verification for example)only being able to withdraw a certain amount should be outlawed. It is clearly a process designed to frustrate/encourage problem gamblers like us. I won’t bang on too much about that now though. It’s a big trap, full stop, please let us all stay out of it.
Take care
Mark x

[RyanPaterson]

your replies helped me a lot!

[justonee]

Fast forward to 2022. It’s now 5 years since I last posted and things have not improved. If anything, I hit rock bottom this past weekend as my bets since 2017 have gone through the roof. The small bets and wins of $1K no longer did anything for me. I needed the bigger wins, which meant I was spending a lot more to chase the thrills.

On the weekend, I won a hefty jackpot, 5-figures from placing the max bet, but instead of walking away with what would have been a downpayment towards a house, I ended up losing it all plus a lot more in credit cards, $27K. I was already planning on how to spend the money I made, and so it was the worst feeling in the world when it all disappeared. I hate myself for not being able to walk away that night with my winnings. I feel depressed and can’t sleep and can’t eat. All I think about is the lost and how crazy I was betting max amounts and watching tens of thousands of dollars dwindle to absolutely zero. I had suicidal thoughts the next day because it was a life-changing amount of money. I feel so hopeless because of this addiction as I continue to be alone and not be able to save any money for my future.

[justonee]

Day 1. Still couldn’t get a good sleep last night as I kept replaying what happened over the weekend and how I couldn’t stop myself. I don’t think I’m going to be able to forget the win and the loss. I keep looking at my bank account and wishing it didn’t play out as it did. I wish I was able to walk away with the massive jackpot win and see that amount in my bank account and feel happy. It’s going to take me at least 5 years to save up that amount that I had won. I was in a bad emotional state last night and called my-ex to come over and I told him everything. He couldn’t believe that I had not only won such a life-changing amount, but couldn’t understand how I lost it all. I don’t either. I have an initial consultation later today with a psychotherapist that I hope will be able to help. It seems hard to find someone who specializes in gambling addiction. I also plan to join in a group chat later tonight that’s with a counsellor. One day at a time.

[Monica1]

Hi. Well done for making some good moves. The losses and compulsion, self blame will only get worse. It never gets better until we really want to stop doing this to ourselves. Compulsive gamblers never win. The temptation will be to go back and chase losses. Bad move as you will end up losing m9re, I guarantee it. The money is gone. Move on. You ar3cat da6 one of a life without the heartache and misery of gambling.

[justonee]

Hi Monica1,
Thank you for the note. I’m sorry to hear about your health woes. Please take care!

[yoyo]

Hi justonee,

I think we can all from here understand your emotions….

There is nothing you can do besides forget everything and start changing things around you, including the old habbits.

We all try to get rid of this addiction.

You are not alone!

[Callmecrazy]

I feel your pain. There is nothing worse than hitting a big win and then gambling it away. As I type, I can feel the adrenaline rush from the win and the desperaton as it starts to fade away. You are not alone. I’ve been there and believe many others have too. The gambling industry is a scam. There isn’t anyone out there walking away with a huge max bet jackpot cashout. You first have to be a compulsive gambler to bet max, and by the time you become one, you’re not walking away with any winnings.

[rami92]

Hello.
The feeling of “returning” earnings is really bad.
To make myself accept it, I decided to think that, in fact, it was never really mine.
It may take some time, but it will definitely get better. By taking preventative measures, there is hope.
In addition, life always offers us rich opportunities and new projects.

[marcusmaximus]

Hello Rami
I read your good words.
I am thinking that there is only false hope in gambling but there is real hope in recovery.
Yes, no matter how tough it is, we must accept the money we lost is gone. Yes, we never had it in the first place is a good way of looking at it.
This is an opportunity to start living a much better life.
Stay strong and keep going.

[Author]

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