[awiusdi]

I have been here before, on this site, in the program-fighting the urge. And the urge always sucks me back in. So today on Janurary 30, 2011, here I am again. Here I stand a shattered soul. Not just a shattered soul, but a soul who shattered itself. It wasn’t long ago that I starting posting on this site again, attending GA, and beginning to think rationally. And then somehow, I ended up at rock bottom-for 100th or so time. One month of gambling abstinence,then, WHAM, right back to no money, no food, and bills unpaid… I am ready to give up on everything. I try so hard to fight this demon and it is freaking possessive and I can’t get away from it. It haunts me constantly, saying, "Stop here, go there. Buy a scrtach ticket it is only a dollar…." I do everything to try to cut myself off- no credit/debit cards, barred myself, and have been completely honest with my family. I know I have a problem, a disease. I know there is something mentally wrong with me, probably in more ways than one… But I don’t know why. Why? Why is the most difficult thing to answer. I don’t know why I gamble or gambled. I have spent my entire life learning and wanting to learn, and been thrilled at seeking knowledge; and today I stray from knowledge and reason and instead I create my dark hell to live in. I am so selfish, and realizing that I think just made this worse. When I started to realize all the horrible things I have put my family through, I became so depressed that I just start thinking about how far behind I am on my bills and then my mind is back in a casino-chasing a loss. And the evil little demon in my head starts laughing and guides me to some casino(I am banned from all the ones in my county). How is there this control over me? When I relapsed this time, I attended a trip to the city with friends that involved going to casinos. I knew I shouldn’t have went, I knew I should have put my paycheck in the bank before I went. But, of course I did not. I took all of my paycheck and spent it, in less than 6 hours. One of my friends who went with let me borrow some money to get through this week, and again I lost that. Then my inlaws wrote me a check, and now thats pretty much gone too. And here I am now owing my friend, my inlaws, my car insurance company, my car company, and no longer have health insurace. All because the last two maybe three months I have lost almost everything. I am lucky that I don’t owe a house-because I probably would have lost that too. I feel like a selfish person, I feel like the scum of the earth, all I want to do is crawl under a rock and die. Oh yeah, and on top of it all, I might have bounced a check at my work which may now result in my termination. So again, here I am, lost and hopeless. I feel like I have no control over anything anymore, I am just-done. There is no reason to cause my own suffering, yet I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how to control myself. I guess I am here more to express myself than looking for advice. I understand the things that I should do, and beleive me I have been doing them for a long time; but somehow evil always wins. I am not allowed to carry any money, only less than $20, but I cash my paychecks instead of depositing them or sneak to the bank when I am supposed to be getting groceries. I work at night so my huband never knows when I get home, because he is asleep. I sneak around, I am a sneaky little snake. I am decietful, I am worthless, and nothing more than a drone. This is not self-pity, it is simply the truth. I feel like my life is over. This is not going to get better, I have caused way more pain than can ever be forgiven. I welcome kind words, because I feel like the universe is punishing me and all I can see is a selfish way out- and I don’t want to be selfish anymore. I want to be kind, loving, honest, and respectful. I want to be somebody else. I want to be free of any type of control.

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