[lauren05]

 First day of the rest of ,y life ! I feel so hopeless, worthless and a huge failure because I’ve gone and done it again after I made a concerted effort and re-committed my life to be a ‘new creation‘ on Valentines Day. It’s been building up slowly to the point where I’m out of control again. I just can’t help myself. The only time I’m clean is when I’m broke. I wait to get paid and tell mysslf I’ll just try with a little and then, I go and blow it all. I work so hard, have to travel abroad for work but yield everytime when I get paid as if gambling is my huge credifor and my sole priority in my life. And no one knows I’m still struggling. Been through the confession to family, been there, seen it, done it all.

I’m working to gamble it all away again ! The remorse is less because I‘ve become numb and immune to it as if I don’t deserve what I earn and I’m only safe when I‘ve lost it all. I can’t stop even when I get big breaks because I continue with bigger bets and to try to win bigger to make up for past losses. The analogy came to mind of water running down the drain so fast and I don’t have the presence of mind to stop it by putting in the plug to at least catch some of it. I have to let it run out to the last cent. I can’t even stop when I win now, I’m that sick !

I’ve told myself I can’t undo what I’ve done and I’m never going to get that win because even if I do, I won’t stop or if I do bank it, I’ll just play it all back again like it’s dirty money which I do. Gambling is not going to give me or get me what I want. I have to deal with my perception of my inadequacies and not having my own house in a different way or change my thinking of my purpose on life. I have to stop and save my earnings. There is no other way. I‘ve got to do something different to get a different result. So I’ve decided to lose weight and go to gym to feel and look better about myself and learn to like myself and leave the past and it’s history where it belongs, in the past.

Tomorrow is a new day, a new start and a new beginning. I’ve got to make it last this time. It reminds me of a story I heard at church where a recovering alcoholic was offered a drink at dinner and told to just have one. His refusal came with his reply, ‘that’s just the trouble, I can’t just have one and I’ll want more so I’d rather have none’. He wisely chose to abstain because he knew himself. He couldn’t just stop at one. That’s me. I‘ve gone too far, for over 20 years and need to cut out and stop completely to become clean and whole again. There is NO other way !!! First day of the rest of my life !!!

[Monica1]

For a while ,around 18 months, i worked overseas. I would come home late on a Friday night, switchthe computer on and play until all that weeks moneywas gone and sometimes go back with just ten pounds in my pocket knowing that I would do exactly the same the following week. We know well, as people with a gambling problem that it goes beyond can’t stop, we just want to keep playing, all,of us on here know that one so you are not alone. We all know the many failed attempts to stop as well.
First thing is that we have to get support, we cannot stay stopped without it whether that be GA, here or counselling. Anyone who has gambled like I did for a length of time has to get t9 the root cause or for,many causes as to why they constantly throw it all away. And then we join gamstop and self exclude from everywhere we have played. Some hand their money over to a trusted relative. I didn’t do that but most do.
Unfortunately,for me it was hitting rock bottom that finally made me stop and being on here and doing the gma women’s programme that helped me to stay stopped, nearly 19 months now. It can be done, one day at a time.

[Steev]

You wrote: “I don’t deserve what I earn and I’m only safe when I’ve lost it all.”

That resonated with me as I am sure when my gambling was out of control that I really felt that I didn’t deserve money in my life. I was numb to what I was doing until I had to stop and then the guilt, remorse and self-loathing set in; and the following day I would go back and do it all again.

Practical steps to stop – banning yourself from places and sites where you gamble, not carrying money, avoiding triggers … all these need to be done. Looking at your life and what makes you feel (at least subconsciously) that you don’t deserve a richer life – richer not just in money terms, but in terms of comfort and enjoying the things that money can buy.

Counselling is probably the the thing that worked best for me. There are one-to-ones on here or your GP (in the UK) or via Gamcare, Mind or some other provider may help. I also found co-counselling a cheap and effective alternative. Self-help books, counselling sites on-line, talking to people in group will also help.

You do deserve what you earn and you need to believe that you deserve to hold onto it. I trust that you can do it. Go well.

[vera]

Hi Lauren,
I saw your name in the group last night but the print wouldn’t appear, which is not only unsupportive but it’s also VERY frustrating. Especially for members who need instant support.
Ah, well, that’s Life!
Feeling “hopeless, worthless and a huge failure” is the gift gambling bestows on us. These feelings serve to initiate further gambling and on it goes until the ” remorse becomes less because we are numb and immune to it”. This condition is precisely what allows us to drift further down the waterfall, refusing to hold the bucket to catch even the dregs. “I can’t stop even when I win” could be rephrased. “I can’t stop ESPECIALLY when I win”.
We could write about this problem for ever, Lauren. (paper won’t refuse ink!) We could visit Support Groups, talk at GA , cry salted tears, promise ourselves a New Life, swear “never again” to loved ones and yet gamble madly when the opportunity arises.
We are NEVER immune from this insidious “disease”.
It grabs us , when we least expect it and it has nothing to do with money at all. That’s the deception that keeps the proverbial wheels in spin.
I had plans for last night/today. They went “belly up”. All night, I magnified the situation in my mind. (CGs are good at that) The conclusion I came to was “what the hell! I will take myself to the casino because there is no point in making the effort to be good”. (The words to describe my feelings were less tame, actually but I don’t want to be too explicit on the www!)………..then I read your post. I disagree when you say “Gambling is not going to give me what I want”. Unfortunately it does. For a while and then it takes it back.
If gambling didn’t give us “something”, none of us would gamble but that’s a topic for another day.
TODAY I just need to convince myself and I hope you do likewise that the only thing we can do is make it impossible to gamble.
Just for today.

[dunc]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[jen3]

Hi Lauren! Your story sound a lot like mine. Well I guess we ALL have one thing in common , gambling has caused chaos in all of our lives one way or the other. I have not gambled so far this year and I pray daily that God helps me through another day. I believe that after hundreds of relapses over the years, that I finally felt defeated and powerless to my addiction. I begged God to step in. He did, because I really do not have the desire anymore. A thought here and there BUT I give them to God or with my history I will be back on the fast track in no time. I just don’t want to live like that anymore. I love the story you heard at church. Just like the alcoholic we can not stop after just a few spins,hands,bets whatever our choice might be. Gambling is poison to us. The gambling hangovers are the worst. I never want to experience another one. So for me it’s simple, I just won’t drink the poison anymore and I understand that at times my desire may or may not be strong and I can not do it without Gods help. I do not know for certain that I will never gamble again BUT I do know I will not today., I am really glad you are here. Keep coming back especially when the storm settles. It will, it always does. Lean on to God with everything you have and he will break the chains and you will get you through this. I will be praying for you.

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