Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)
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  • #9321
    luna
    Participant

    I have just come home from gambling that has absolutely shattered me. The day began with me once more chasing my losses. Just one last chance, just one last time. Day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year and i have got to a point that i am absolutely and completely done. I can tell you this has been a 48 hour stint. I have just crawled home and i am a total mess. I won i lost i won i lost i won i lost i won i lost i won i won i won i won, wow, i won good. Now i will just put a little more in and save the rest. Just a note or Two doesnt really matter now i have that nice size win. Thats what i wanted thats what i went chasing. Now i have it, at last!! 12 and a half hours later I am penniless and sick. My head is so dizzy. I have a headache. I feel like throwing up. I am over it. I am completely done with it. The reason is that i have had my good win. It isnt unattainable any more, it really happened, and i really lost it all within 2 days morning till night. There is no point in me going anymore. In a way i am so happy this happened. Sounds really sick i think but i am glad. I am glad because i could not stop. Now i feel i have it within me to stop. There is no point to gambling when i cant keep the wins and i chase the losses. I chase and i chase and i chase. I get what i asked for, what i wanted. I then continue to lose it and end up with nothing. There is no sense, there is no logic. I am an addict. I am choosing at this point to break away from this hideous obsession after a decade of it robbing me of life. I am 100% percent committed to living my life from this point without gambling.
    Luna

    #9322
    luna
    Participant

    Also in saying all this, the win i had was a drop in an ocean to what i have spent the last Ten years gambling. But it was the best ive had in all that time. It felt so worthwhile, it felt real, it felt like i didnt have a problem. But oh what a problem i have. I am getting help from anywhere i can. I cant live like this anymore
    Luna girl

    #9323
    vera
    Participant

    I hear you Luna!
    I could have written every word of that post. One hundred ***** over!
    At Easter, I was really desperate for money. Like you I made a "final,one last ditch attempt" to retrieve even a fraction of my then recent (huge) losses. I struggled for hours upon hours. I was down to my last few euro, when suddenly I hit a jackpot. The chinese girl who works in that little den of eniquity they call a casino, must have been sizing me up for hours because when I checked out she said "go now or you lose!" I wanted to prove her wrong by trying another few "spins"….Ten hours later I reeled out into the car park, penniless, shocked and sick. "Where was my money?" It was really a wake up call for me, Luna. The money I so badly needed to cover previous losses had evaporated before my eyes. I had gone into a trance and COULD NOT STOP GAMBLING!
    I was shocked to learn that day/night, that my need to gamble was far greater than my need for the money I so badly needed and was "lucky" to get.
    GCs never win, Luna!

    #9324
    thebfunk
    Participant

    This is a real thing that happens Luna. It has happened to me many ***** over. Sick, right? Well in a way we are always sick, and dangerously sick when we are gambling.
    When I look back those ***** don’t seem real. But it is posts like yours that remind me they are real, and they will happen again. Thank you for posting your experience. It is a reminder to all of us that this is our life when gambling. Be strong, and fight. You can do it.
    Bryan

    #9325
    luna
    Participant

    My head is so dizzy. I cant seem to shake it. I cant think clearly. I dont want to feel this way anymore. My head is such a mess and I am wondering how i can keep functioning. How have i managed to function over the last ten years of gambling? I really am totally exhausted. I just feel like my tank is just running out of steam. Im disappointed in myself for the waste. It makes me feel sick. It is out of control impulsive compulsive behaviour when I gamble. I cant bet higher, I cant get the same rush. I just go completely crazy and I cant stop. I lose a lot very quickly. I win a lot but the wins never last more than a day. What is the point of all this? I find it totally amazing and befuddling that I cant stop. I am trying to. I will continue to do so. I didnt gamble yesterday that has got to be a miracle.
    Luna girl

    #9326
    luna
    Participant

    I am so very tired. I am going to bed. Yawn.

    #9327
    libbie
    Participant

    I also thank you for writing this..I, like some others on here, have lived that EXACT scenario over and over again.It’s the addiction that has changed our brains…causing this need to KEEP on playing NO MATTER WHAT..I have driven home sick and dizzy after a day/night like that and it has lasted for days..It’s withdrawal in the most raw sense…You will get over it but is complete **** going through it..I pray for you and all on here including myself that we will stay the course to keep on going…because this sick feeling you have will only happen again and again if you go back to the casino..I say this to you and to myself
    Ever hear of a guy named Adam Resnick? Wrote a book called Bust…incredible read….Was a huge CG, played Blackjack in big numbers..Was about to be brought down by writing huge bad checks at a Bank that he brought down…so he went back out one more time to the casino to try to get the money back..Started with 1 million dollars and that night had it up to 9 million dollars …was out of the hole with a life changing amount of money…and proceeded to give it ALL back plus another million…Went to prison for 4 years…True story..
    I am sorry you feel so bad…Can you put barriers up, self-exclude to insure you won’t go back? You will feel better if you do…Deb

    #9328
    luna
    Participant

    I feel so bad. I am trying to feel good again and I cant make it happen. Im ****** it till i make it. Outside I force myself to smile. I say the right things. I put on a good front. Inside I am dying. God let this get better
    Luna girl

    #9329
    libbie
    Participant

    Try to hang in there honey…You’re doing the right thing

    #9330
    luna
    Participant

    I am trying to work out how to save. To repay. To recover. To have good financial planning and to have a good emotional state To start to repair the damage. I am thinking of how good my life could be If I stick to this recovery. I know it can be done. I am unsure as to if I can make it. I will try. I feel too bad to continue doing this to myself. I am learning. I am learning. I am learning.
    Luna Girl

    #9331
    vera
    Participant

    It can be done, Luna, but not all at once and not alone!
    Don’t take on too much. You are wounded and still in shock. Time heals our hurts.
    One day at a time is the only way!
    Never give up!

    #9332
    luna
    Participant

    I shut my eyes and I tried to Imagine what my life would be like had I never gambled. I dont think it would be the same as today if I hadn’t. Why did I do it. Why did I do it again and again and again for so many years of my life. Why couldn’t I stop. What if I can’t stop now. I wonder if there is some wiring in the brain. Some switch that just doesn’t get switched off. Surely its something like a control centre in there that is out of balance. I am out of balance. I want to find balance. I want to find peace. I want to end the suffering that I feel living with being an addict of gambling.
    Luna Girl

    #9333
    libbie
    Participant

    Yes–it is something in our brains that has caused this.."The circuits that fire together, wire together"..I have done some reading on this and the evidence suggests that the more you do something, a "habit", the circuits in your brain actually get hardwired to keep repeating it..HOWEVER, it can be reversed…but it requires doing other things over a long period of time to wire them another way..It takes effort and will and time (I think I read about 8 months)…and it’s not easy…but if we want a better and different life, this is what must be done..All the things suggested on here – GA, support, talk, barriers..and finding other things to do-they all work to move it along..It takes real work…I keep trying and unfortunately have relapsed many *****..Today is day 4 for me…trying again..I already feel better than I did , but thoughts keep creeping in…but today I will not gamble..
    Try not to dwell on the past full time..Do one little thing to make a change..I hope you feel better..

    #9334
    luna
    Participant

    I am here again but I gambled again. I am lost.
    Luna girl

    #9335
    charles
    Moderator

    Hi Luna, well done on posting.  I can understand the inclination to start a new thread after a slip but maybe your addiction is happy about it as well – it means you no longer see the advice that was given. 
    Take a look at your previous threads; what was suggested?  Gettign banned from where you gamble?  Finding a way to restrict your access to funds with which to gamble?  Other barriers?
    Now which of those things would have made it harder for you to have your latest gamble?  What things can you now put in place to make your next bet less likely?
    Keep posting and let us know the positive actions you are taking.

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