25 July 2012 at 10:05 pm #12287dublinblueParticipant
We admitted we were powerless over gambling – That our lives had become unmanageable
This is surley what fees like the most ironic stage of my recovery, Where I currently sit my life feels now
like that since I admitted step one my life has become even more unmanagable.
I know how powerless I am over gambling, I read the 20 questions at the back of the red book and I answer
yes to all 20.
Do you lose time from work due to gambling?
When I was gambling, and seriously gambling I worked in Fitzwilliam square. On my own in the office
I would spend half my working day gambling on my laptop. I would take extended lunch breaks and be
in the bookies for upto 3 hrs. Making all sorts of excuses as to why I was not back in the office, I would re: direct
the office landline to my mobile to ensure I seemed to always be there.
Is gambling making your home life unhappy?
Gambling has destroyed my home life, this time last year I was excited about getting engaged, one year later
I am home living with my mother and wedding cancellled. While I was a gambler and secretive about it.
My home life appeared to be fine I was like a basket case on the inside, the insane excuses the coverups
I was making myself sick with worry.
Is gambling affecting your reputation?
I no longer have any dignity, all close to me think I am the lowest individual. I need help, I need to find peace & I
need love back in my life. People don’t thrust me about anything for example I ring denise tonight because I need her,
Her immediate response is have you got another bomb shell! My reputation is ruined. I need god to guide me and
Lift me from here.
Have you ever felt remorse after gambling?
When I was in the spiral of gambling I would be feeling so low, I would be angry that I had done so much negative things
I would blame everyone but myself. Take christmass, 1 bet left on an accumalator to win back my losses, I was on my knees
begging god to give me another chance to make the bet come through feeling the shame the guild for what I had just done
I lost I blamed god I blamed myself I hated myself.
Do you ever gamble to get money with which to pay debts or otherwise solve financial difficulties?
All the time but I know now that is an excuse to gamble, I would start gambling to say win €100 to pay VAT. I would win the
money then lose hundreds an hour later. I could never stop when I started.
Does gambling cause a decrease in your ambition or efficiency?
Before I started gambling I could do anything, all I had to do to succeed was to try, for example I became financial controller of
Tower Records within 4 years of starting to work in accounts, for someone who was more interested in music than work this was
the job for me, It could not get better than this. Within 12 months I was gone from that job and it went downhill from there.
After losing, do you feel you must return as soon as possible and win back your loses?
All the time, for me this is when the insanity kicks in big time, I remember being in Waterford and winning €1500 on football
I got boared and started betting on virtual greyhounds. Lost €50 and went mental to get it back until I had lost the €1500 and some
I cannot describe this part of the addiction to anyone who does not suffer, they just would not understand, Its totally insane.
Just picture Bart Simpson when Lisa electricuted the bun, he grabs it and gets electricuted goes huh then tries again, then again
then again, he surley must know he is going to keep getting burned but keeps doing it, that’s me.
After a win do you have a strong urge to return and win more?
Once I start I cannot stop. In January I stupidly felt I was cured all I had to do was go to a meeting (Unwillingly) per week and that
was it! I had control. In April I put a very small bet on (after a argument with my soulmate) and within 2 months I was worse than before
Do you often gamble until your last pound/euro is gone?
This happened all the time, Afetr all the money was gone it was coverup time. This is when all the excuses & lies started, in fairness
I never stole to continue gambling but I did lie all the time. I would get a loan to cover it up then sit and wait until the next pay cheque
to start again
Do you ever borrow to finance your gambling?
Yes but always to cover it up. Although there were times I would borrow with the extent to cover up then gamble all that and scheme another
way to cover that up too. ******* insane
Have you ever sold anything to finance gambling?
In December I had come clean I told everyone my addiction had too much control of me. I insisted to pay of some debts I would sell turntables
keyboards etc. This hurt a lot but I deserved it.
Are you reluctant to use gambling money for normal expenditure?
See question 5, In fairness there were times I would come home on a high and splash out. But 90% of the time I would consider the winnings my
gambing money (Ultimatly to lose)
Does gambling make you careless of the welfare of you family?
Seems like the most easy question of them all, I have gambled with my family. And in true gambling addict fashion I have lost.
Do you gamble longer than you planned?
I was a serious internet gambler, I could always find something to bet on whether it was division 2 south Korea or virtual racing. I have memories
staying up till 5am gambling on my phone.
Do you ever gamble to escape worry or trouble?
All I have to do is look at the mistake I made in April to answer this one. Argument – Gambling, I did it after my father died. I don’t know what the
attraction is to it when I am low but I have the potential to do this forever as has been my pattern with my life (This has to stop)
Have you ever committed, or considered committing an illegal act to finance gambling?
Does gambling cause you difficulty in sleeping ?
See question 14, There have been plenty of times that I would be stressed with pains in my chest unable to tell anyone as I felt they would not
understand ****s sake I didn’t undertand.
Do arguments, disappointments or frustrations create an urge within you to gamble?
Yes, April 2012, Death of my father etc,….
Do you have an urge to celebrate any good fortune with a few hours gambling?
Very hard to answer this question as all I ever wanted to do all the time was gamble. Hard to identify good time
gambling from bad time gambling. I just wanted to gamble all the time
Have you ever considered self – destruction as a result of your gambling?
Never attempted considered it hundreds of times. Felt why does god not do everyone a favour and take me out.
Felt everyone would be better off without me. STUPIT THOUGHTS
I feel that writing the answers to these questions has explored how unmanagable my life is when I am gambling. I feel embarressed
reading & writing these answers. In reality I know its not the gambling its really me & my behaviour that needs to change. I need to identify
why I feel the need to behave like the manic above. Its not me, Inside I am loving caring patient & wise but when I start gambling I do all the
**** listed above, Not for one second do I think that I have control over gambling. It has me bet.3 August 2012 at 9:44 pm #12288veraParticipant
‘Hope your still G free, Dublue!
My friend visited today.
She told he her two sons are "gifted" at poker and roulette! …She saw me cringing!
She came to the Creit Union with me and saw me putting in my salary . She nearly fainted when I showed her my debt. I asked her to speak to her sons (both in their twenties) andt ask then if THEY wanted to be using their salary to pay gambling debts when they are 60! She became indignent!
I wish she could read your thread!
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