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    • #13109
      lorraine
      Participant

        Well addiction did not make the decision to do what i did ,i needed to know the answer myself,and didnt matter what people were saying or how much i could relate to each one who shared .I really struggled with im a cg for life ,hated to hear that.For one year i fought in my head everyday thinking it will all be okay when i get back to the casino .Well today very early i set out to see the truth and that was my goal i was going for closure took my sister and son ,i told them i was feeling sick to my stomach and didnt know if i could do this..they laughed at me,closure yah right they said whatever! Isat in the exact chair i had been dreaming about for a year and it was empty just for me ,i sighed and opened my purse and said to myself I dont have the energy for this ? I saw a machine not a friend this time.After a somewhat controlled visit  i already knew i was a cg ,we had a set amount to go with as the money ran out ,the wheels started to turn okay can get this much from this account and that much from here ,so i said when we got home you two get out im going back ,and i did went to both banks and withdrew what i couldnt afford,and was plotting in head how i was going to put it back ,got it all figured out and went back for another 4 hours.Never ate all day just like before ,forgot to take my pills again,lost track of time again .Everybody on the road was irratating me on the way there .Blinders were up big time.When i got home fed them diiner i stood in kitchen with one fooT out the door and out right lied about amount i spent ,yah not cool.But went back yup i did round three ,guess what i do gamble a night now, never did before .But then i was exhausted and it was like the last day i left a year ago ,i was so tired and brain dead and for a split second i was back to a year ago and i said to myself im tired and it wasnt sleep tired either.I closed my eyes and paused just for the life changing decison its over, my body cant take anymore of this ,i still hadnt rested fully from the first time and my body remembered.IM DONE ,MY NAME IS LORRAINE AND IAM A COMPULSIVE GAMBLER FOREVER AND NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE THAT IM HAPPY AND RELIEVED ITS ALL OVER .AND YES MY BODY AND HEAD HAVE BEEN DEFEATED. i dont regret doing what i did ,i had all my ammunition with me and i actually laughed at times ,as things i have learned over the year would come into my my head as i was there.yup just like they said it would happen.Yah it was a coslty adventure but not one i cant get out of thank god for that .So me and the banning people will meet again and this time i will hold my head high and bring my own pen cause im SO ready !!!!! Sorry for being so miserable but i did warn you lol .PS it was a very dirty nasty place this time chairs were gross and the people were just to dam close to me.  i need a long bath feel really dirty .TODAY I WENT TO  MY CASINO AND FOUND ME AND BROUGHT ME HOME, ALL OF ME THIS TIME !!!  thank for for listening and being patient with me hugs to all who read this.
       

    • #13110
      maverick.
      Participant

      Hi Lorraine, sorry about tonight miss communication I went straight into SH and was waiting for you, I always read the signs wrong lol. Hope you are well and have been trying to catch up with you for a while and seem to keep missing you, when I let you have the info you need I will give you my email address as well so we can stay in touch (only if you want of course), take care and really hope you are doing well, all the best my friend love Maverick. P.S you haven’t explained about my fence yet!

    • #13111
      desdemona
      Participant

      Dear Lorraine! When I wasn’t a compulsive gambler, I had a set of books that balanced to the penny, including service fees, etc. I’d go through the bank statement item by item, and check it off my records and reconcile every month. I had forgotten about that till I read your post. When I started compulsively gambling, I would shred the bank statement just as quickly as I could, not wanting to even know how much I had gambled that month plus all the service fees, from using ATMs. It was always way more than I thought I had gambled. It seems that this addiction has put you between a rock and a hard place, which is never fun. You’re being forced to budget by someone else, and it makes it tougher when it’s being forced and you’re being made to be accountable for every quarter. But you did say that you used to be a good budgeter, so that’s half the battle because you know how to do it. It isn’t going to be forever that you have to do this extra work. I wonder if that’s a cg trait, not liking other people to tell us what we need to. I know I don’t like it; never have. Keep making the next right decision for you! You can do this Lorraine! Carole

    • #13112
      i am hope
      Participant

      ***** Lorraine
      I am hoping we can all make it together in this a few of us all starting over to gether again. 
       Living with Hope

    • #13113
      lorraine
      Participant

      Hi all ,sorry Mav i didnt go there,but we will catch up again.lol im searching for the right fence to kick.thanks carol for your support hugs.Hope im not going to slip again no choice apr 1st is the day .I have to admit iam a bit afraid ,okay alot afraid of getting caught .But today and maybe for a little while i might have to sleep a little more allowing the dust to settle ,i still am holding on to one day a time cause thats all i got .Im only day 2 into my budget it already is showing sighns that what i was worrying about is going to be reality,i knew it would ,but it means for the next two years i will have to become a very clever lyier so i dont get caught as to not be in the negative.My nerves are shot over this and will be until my first budget is handed in .What a tangeled web we weave, when first you do decieve! Day 3 tomorrow see my buget and my gf days are the same now easier to remember,i planned it that way less to remember.Bye for now

    • #13114
      i am hope
      Participant

      Hi Lorraine
      Nice to see you in chat and yes we gotta stick together, i know you said you are on day 3 but seeing as i am usually a day ahead in date being in different part of the world i guess we are actually on the same day!! One day at a time for sure, one hour at a time for me, sometimes minutes
       Living with Hope

    • #13115
      lorraine
      Participant

      lol story of my life always a day behind  hugs to you hopestay strong we can do this .

    • #13116
      amyyy
      Participant

      Hi Lorr-  How u doin? Hope recovery is starting to feel like a happy place to be.
      Bit confused as to what you said about "it means for the next two years i will have to become a very clever **** so i dont get caught"
      Does this mean u are planning on gambling despite your bankruptcy and the imposed budget etc? Hope not- hope i misunderstood what you meant by the comment?
      Wish u luck with recovery and the challenges you face in staying accountable for your spending and attending ga etc.
      You can do it Lorr! And if ya make it fun- you can enjoy it too x

    • #13117
      lorraine
      Participant

      Hi Amy ,no im not looking to gamble ,i cant show a negative on my budget ever the lawyer said.And im already in the negative on the third day as any further recipets will not match up ,so where does this money come from.Not allowed to borrow he said.So for now iam throwing all reciepts into a shoe box and at the end of the month i will put it all together and make it look the way they want it.But no iam not going to gamble.

    • #13118
      i am hope
      Participant

      Hi lorraine, was looking out for you on safe harbor today as there is no chat here today.  I hope that you are doing ok and by the looks of things you are staying safe. 
       Living with Hope

    • #13119
      amyyy
      Participant

      Sounds stressful Lorraine- but you have had more stressful stuff than this that you have managed to cope with- you are strong and resiliant and im sure you will adapt to the new lifestyle without too many problems.
      Maybe it is a blessing in disguise? The two years that you are required to stay in recovery by law may prove to be the best lifestyle you have had in yrs and maybe turn out to be just the thing to make recovery stick long term.
      Hope to see you around chat again soon Lorr- Take care and stay strong x

    • #13120
      maverick.
      Participant

      Hi Lorraine just wanted to drop in and say something on you journal, I come up with many silly and stupid things at ***** and some others that do make a little sense, I have been thinking of something that would stick with you and hopefully have some meaning in helping you get through the next few months (one day at a time of course) so here it is and I hope it helps “When a person finds no peace within themselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere” peace lies within I make this comment as I see so much peace, hope and also believe in your life and words, I would like to refer to that comforting feeling you spoke about many posts ago (for me that is peace within) of course I know there are ***** when we feel there is no hope but when we dig deep there is always hope. Take care my friend and I wish you all the very best in your recovery and also in life. All the very best love Maverick.

    • #13121
      lorraine
      Participant

      Well ***** all ,thanks for your posts.
        I just wanted to say Ive been going to GA for a year now.And not hard to remember back to those first few meetingsyah they werent really so good lol.I was blown away by what they said,and i heard.But i can honestly say glad i didnt give up,few ***** i hated it so bad i actually dreaded going.
        To accept you have a addiction other then smoking was a shameful thing to have to say ,and omg saying hi im a compulsive gambler was just something they said so i said it for the first few weeks.
       But after a few weeks and to today.I can say it now easy cause Iam a compulsive gambler and will be for life and that is withought any doubt in my mind.
        So I guess it is also a year for me online chatting too here and other sites .What a miracle the internet is allowing people from all over the world to help each other.
        Someone said something a few days ago ,cause i was haveing a bad day,what he said really helped me to take a step back ,he said recovery is about progress and not perfection.I have made a lot of progress in the last year and yah no where near perfect ,he was right and i did make progress that day but was to overwhelmed to see it ,until later that day.
        Well it is like 1am here now payday weekened,long weekened, home alone cause the dog dont ***** and after work driving home i pass the casino always do ,and i smiled and said to myself nah im too tired.I didnt WANT to go ,and not cause im banned i really didnt want to go,and that is progress to me.Just wanted a coffee and my couch i prefered to be at home.
        I didnt gamble today and that is my progress for today lol take care all .lets see how another year goes
      Older and wiser lol yah right take care all hugs night.

    • #13122
      paul315
      Participant

      Originally posted by lorraine

      …   I didnt gamble today and that is my progress for today …

      Good morning Lorraine,
      Well done  !
      Good to hear from you and that you are taking banning yourself from the casino a step further, one to where your mental ban will keep you form challenging the one at the casino. Not wanting to go is a step toward living gambling free, and a step away from just abstaining because of restrictions.
      Being able to say "I didn’t gamble today" at the end of each day is more than progress, it is reaching a goal that was not possible before. And although not a laughing matter, its can still bring a smile and a gratifying laugh at the control our addiction holds.
      God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep up with the meetings and your visits here; "Meetings make it".LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

    • #13123
      velvet
      Moderator

       
      Hi Lorraine
      It has been good for me getting to know and understand you better – non-CGs need to progress too.   I long ago gave up on perfection which actually would probably be very boring.  
      I love your post – apart from saying the dog didn’t ***** – my dog told me to put that bit in!
      I look forward to hearing how another gamble-free year goes, although today is all that matters.
      I don’t think that accepting you have an addiction is shameful – I find it courageous.      
      I look forward to hearing more and understanding more about you
      Velvet

    • #13124
      lorraine
      Participant

      Hey i was writing a post and it was took away said for investigation .lol so if it appears hey ho it does and if it doesnt well it doesnt .But just in case it doesnt i just want to say Its a new august 10 th yah maybe a year later but i got my clean date back and im keeping it this time .

    • #13125
      pumkin113b
      Participant

      Hey ((Lorraine)). Thanks for your post — your words really helped a lot.  Pumkin

    • #13126
      lorraine
      Participant

      Wow long time since ive seen my journal.
      A few things have changed
      Im still gambling online but very little,and yah been to the states i think 4 *****.
      I found a new web sight about a month ago,but that proved to be a big disaster and i banned.
      On march 2nd my banning from my casino ended,and yah the day before i went through he ll i tell yah ,struggled so hard over and over in my head ban or not .I even went to a pay phone and called the 1-800 help line to make sure my banning was really up,but they had no info for me.
      Went to work that night and every minute i was aware of the time ,i was so scared how i was going to wake up ,was i going to blow it ,wow it was so hard couldnt sit still,but midnight came and i was ban free.I knew my safety net was gone.
      Kinda felt happy to was like i got out jail ,and done my time.wierd,but another part of me was sad and feared it too.
      In the morning i took my son and to the casino i went ,said you come with me,just in case,.he said are you going to rebann ,i said we will see.I gamble for two days and yah was a very exspensiive to days.
      I have not rebanned yet.
      Well i wont go into the details but we are going to get the test results for my daughter ,she has been tested for huntingtons disease ,her dad has it ,so on mar 13 we will know her fate,if it is bad news it will kill me,WOW ,not sure how iam going to handle it ,very afraid i will fall into a massive depression again.
      Then what stress leave again ,I dont think my work will tolerate that again.
      I still see the same counsler and yah she has beed so helpful to me last two weeks,i called her cause ,i will need some one to pick up the pieces if it is bad news and help put me back together.
      I dont talk much to that lady ,we still talk occasionally but we do not socioalize.counslers right we are bad but for each other and well she rebanned,but we could of easly become best gambling buddies.
      Still go to ga ,but not as much missed over a month through dec,busy ,work and well 2 ***** i chose gambling in states over ga.I dont have a sponser and iam not ready for 12 steps.i dont have a phone list either.Ga is for the rest of my life i know that ,but for right now the want to stop gambling will be my ga.cant go for next two weeks freshly off the ban ,yah not to good ,going to be a struggle that is for sure.
      Im having alot of trouble still doing my budgets for lawyers,i just fill it all in ,crunching numbers to fit it all in to look like i budgeted ,but really it is all lies .called the ga line and talked to a fellow about the pressure relief groups ,but i dont qualify need 30 days gf,and i dont.plus he started talking about spread sheets ,noway cant do that to much for my brain lol.
      Hubby is doing so goooooood ,loosing weight but for some reason ,he is so compliant with care now and they never have to call me,he lets them do it all ,so nice,i still ride thier but ts to make sure they care for him.I have been going to see hime everyday it is tiring and well takes alot out of me.
      Nothing changed for me in the year i was away from the casino,i have been living a fairly normal life ,but i will say i gambled 2 paychecks in states and one on that online site,so financial im behind ,but still doable.
      Im still a cg and will be for life,always need to be reminded of that for my kids sake,cause really it hurts them more.
      Im in big trouble with lawyers,yes and im in big trouble with care home i behind on hubbys rent.and yes mentally im in big trouble too awaiting the results is so hard the fear of the unknow can take you to your knees fast.
      I  did not gamble today or yesterday and for some reason I didnt even want to,changing but never changed,
      I am greatful for my counsler,my couch and my warm house i dont want to loose that to gambling.Im greatful for my job .im greatful for my car and i am greatful for the way my kids still love me lol ( although some days they might not me )but yah they love me.And i love them.
      Spring is here it bring new life and hope .take care all night.
       

    • #13127
      maverick.
      Participant

      Hi Lorraine, hope this reply finds you in good spirit, I will be honest I am not in a replying **** tonight but felt the need to respond to you, I am not with it really so I apologies for my response in advance, just want to say stay strong, keep at it, we are what we are but there is always hope and never give in, life can seem so very tough at ***** and I know it is but stay strong and I will defo catch up with you very soon, take care love Maverick.

    • #13128
      lorraine
      Participant

      We are what we are arnt we .
      Take care,ever wonder how this all ends
      HAVE A GREAT WEEKENED AND HUGS THOSE BABIES .

    • #13129
      neva
      Participant

      Hi Lorraine.  I want to jump up and yell ‘hurry up and ban’ if that’s been working for you so far. I have the same ‘blocks’ in place that I’ve had for years and, even though I’ve been doing well, I don’t want to risk going back ‘there’ so I want you to protect yourself too.  Of course I’m not telling you what to do but I know every time we gamble we’re feeding our addiction and it’s just too hard to get the urges to die down again.  I wish the best for you! Sherry

    • #13130
      lorraine
      Participant

      to much damage done now,to rebann but thanks for your concern.chasing ,running,you know just looking for that break .
      Was doing so good for two days ,to me that was good ,but to others its a joke.
      Just another *** i tell my self.
      I think this time i went to far.but maybe thats good ,others will put me in my place because i sure as he ll cant.
      The sky is blue i have to go to work and all i want to do is crawl under a bridge for about a week and really think about all this.stories old but ***** to be told.bye

    • #13131
      icandothis
      Participant

      Kinda felt happy to was like i got out jail ,and done my time.wierd,but another part of me was sad and feared it too…..
      _________________________________________
      I can so relate to those two parts of you..they live in all of us.
      Put that first part, your CG, back in jail!  I, too, recently let my CG out of jail without any barriers, and there was havoc…I went too far.
      You are too strong of a women to let others put you in your place.  I am struggling for the right words,,,. 
      I offer Bettie’s words…Do the next right thing…and from me…no matter how much damage we have done that is always an option…always.
       Hugs, prayers, and I am positive i can offer everyone’s hand to you in our circle of love and support.  Don’t give up on yourself, Lorraine, because we never will.  
       

    • #13132
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      Hi!  Dont’ give up on yourself.  Reban, put the barriers back in place.  Take care!!Seize all the good things in life

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