Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum Friends and Family Still feeling heartbroken but feel pushed to walk away

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  • #6262
    Ricki
    Participant

    Hi everyone…. So I found out in December that my husband of 8 years had been gambling (he accessed our mortgage account and couldn’t come up with a viable lie to cover it)…. He had

    previously stolen money from my savings account and denied it (until I found a withdrawl slip to prove it)- never gave me a reason for that one…. After some investigating in accounts, writing

    was on the wall…. Initially he agreed there was a small problem and had internet banking access removed from home accounts. I was devastated.. told him as much and that he would need

    to move heaven and earth to prove himself… So over the course of the last few months, he has gone the other way… Full time smoking… money nowhere to be found to contribute to household

    or child care costs… Tried taking over management of money- that just resulted in multiple texts and calls a week to transfer money for fuel etc… I couldn’t do it anymore while managing everything

    else… (And paying for everything on my income).

    So he went and opened a new account, new bank… And now less than ever.. This week he hasn’t been paid apparently. Yet- he still wants to live in the house I pay for…. and gets very upset

    when I question his input…. So inevitably there is a stale mate…. I am a “money hungry ho” and he is not contributing. I feel so used and heartbroken. This is not the person I married…

    He denies he is gambling but I have been reading a lot and understand that he is lying to me constantly… (and apparently doesn’t care).

    So now he wants $25,000 to move out or I can “sell the house”. I feel so betrayed and angry… It has gone so far now that I don’t recognise the person he has become.

    I know I have to leave but I am devastated…and especially for our girls… I don’t know how I can fathom sharing the kids with him when he cannot manage a weekly income. I suspect I will have to pay

    him some money for me to try and remain in the house for the girls… I also suspect he will mismanage it.

    I just don’t understand how someone’s personality can change. He shut me out years ago and would never communicate about problems. He blames everything on me… “I want him to go” etc….

    Feeling used and abused…. and also allowing this person to make me feel like I am going insane…. 🙁

    #6263
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hello Ricki

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

    Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

    Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team

    PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
    privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    #6264
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Ricki
    The Jekyll and Hyde transformation is always harder for loved ones to understand and cope with than any loss of money – where has he gone and why?
    Your husband has a gambling addiction that he didn’t ask for and certainly doesn’t want – he can’t do what millions of people do with no ill effects and he can’t understand why, any more than you do, which is probably why he has shut you out.
    I spent 25 years doing all the wrong things for all the right reasons Ricki and I have met the man you have described many times; I am fortunate, however, that I also know that compulsive gamblers (CGs) can control their addiction with treatment and can live amazing and fruitful lives – I know because I have seen it and heard it many, many times.
    I think it is important to know what it is that you want and how you feel – do you still love him? Even if the answer is that you think possibly not, it might be that it is his addiction you cannot love but you still have love for the man. I believed I could not possibly love the CG in my life but I was eventually proved wrong.
    I suspect, please correct me if am wrong, that there is little logical and reasonable conversation between you and that matters are going from bad to worse. It is hard to put the brakes on a rollercoaster or to slow it down long enough to think new thoughts but if the will is there is can be done.
    Pleading, crying, threatening, loving, shouting and promising, make no difference to a gambling addiction that is active. You are trying to talk to an addiction that does not want to listen. You say he is gambling, he says he is not – he lies to you to make you stop questioning him and when his lies do not have the desired effect, he threatens because that is his coping mechanism. He blames you, because if he accepts that his poor behaviour rests with him then he will have to take responsibility and he is not prepared to do that at the moment. Your husband’s addiction is the master of threats so threatening him is a waste of energy unless you know (and mean) 100% that you are going to carry that threat out. Every threat, not carried out, tells your husband that he has time for another bet and active CGs do not think much further than the next bet.
    I would never suggest that you leave or stay with your husband, that decision has to be yours but in my opinion the best decisions for good outcomes are informed ones which is why I am going to leave this first reply to you here and await your reply.
    Don’t allow the addiction of another person make you feel you are going insane – you are not – I understood every word of your post and I know you are stronger than your husband’s addiction.
    Trying something different takes time, energy and grim determination, it may make a difference but there is no magic pill and no crystal ball. You don’t ‘have’ to leave but my question is ‘do you want to do so?’
    Velvet

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