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    • #54243

      I have been coming on this site for years checking in from time to time and reading messages of hope and and also despair. I have followed people in their struggle and silently supported and shared in that struggle. In the beginning I thought I could overcome this terrible thing and get on with my life. Maybe even forget it ever happened. I really had no idea how bad this could get. I heard all the warnings about the progressive nature etc…but that was always about someone else….not me. I didn’t realize that the power of my will and my strong moral code and ethics would no longer be able to help me. Now I’m learning about the brain and how it is changed. I’m wondering if I will ever be myself again. I am still mesmerized by the fact that this has even happened to me. Who knew this could happen to us. I think that there is not one of us here that would have placed that first bet if we had any idea what could happen. So now what? I am so afraid that I am caught in this endless loop. Almost from the beginning I recognized that I had a problem. I worked very hard to get on top of it and for a few years I thought that I was free. I brought my estranged father to live with me while he slowly and painfully died. I began to go back to the casino. My close friend was murdered shortly after that and at the same time I was in a bad car accident. I continued to go to the casino. My best friend who was also my ex partner and a father figure to my daughter with special needs died unexpectedly and I was just devastated. I continued to go to the casino. My loving partner tried to understand and support me but I knew he didn’t really…..couldn’t actually because I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would not have understood this terrible compulsion and how it sneaks up on you and takes hold insidiously. I sometimes wonder about the possibility of a higher meaning in all this struggle to overcome but there are also times that I wonder about driving off the cliff on my way home from the casino. I’m not looking for any sympathy but I hope it may help me to share my story and become part of this group.

    • #54244

      You said, “I wonder about driving off the cliff on my way home from the casino.” I feel that talk of ending your life means that you really want to CHANGE your life. You are wanting a new life without gambling – not the life you have now with it. Please contact a helpline in the country where you live if you need to talk this through – ending your life would devastate those around you and I am sure you would not want that.

      I read your story and wondered how anyone could cope with all that is going on. Where are you getting your support from? I know you have a partner and maybe asking him to try and understand by reading the forums here including the “families and friends” area where there will be others who will share his concerns. Can you get support in handling your finances, in counselling, in finding alternatives to gambling, in self-help (such as GA?) Maybe you have already tried these things – I would be interested in hearing more.

      Welcome to this group!

    • #54245

      Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

      Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

      Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

      As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

      And on that note….

      I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

      Take care

      The Gambling Therapy Team

      PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    • #54246

      You are going to search for a deeper awareness in your mind of where you are going to be from this moment that you read this message that i am writing to you. I am reaching out a life line to get you to a place where you are going to gain full control. You are an amazing person. Seek help counseling and therapy, do you attend church, or have any close friend or family you feel you can trust and open up to about this feelings and pain you may be in.

      Life is a lesson you are learning each day each moment. valuable lessons are taught and you are going pass the test as you move on to a better life.

      Yes you make a start by setting up a profile on this site that means you are seeking help and you are going to overcome this. Welcome to your new life, you are going to make wise decisions to turn your life around. Seek good counsel read more positive articles quotes to inspire you self talk words of affirmations.

      You are going to make that difference in your life. I urge you to keep this journal and pour your progress from this moment forward.

      Stay positive

      I am rooting for you.

      Please keep us posted.

      You are too precious

    • #54247

      Thank you for your message Steev. I really appreciate your thoughtfulness. I have been in counseling as well as groups. I have educated myself by watching programs and reading numerous books on the subject. I have talked to family and even asked for help with controlling my finances. I have followed peoples journals on this forum for inspiration including yours for a couple years. I know that I need to make changes but I just don’t know what to do any more. I think that a complete break from everything like rehab may help but I’m so afraid of not being there for my child. She’s an adult now but still a little one and would not understand where Mama went. I don’t want to wait until change is forced upon me as it will be if I can’t get myself together. I feel everything unravelling more and more each day. I want to create positive change for myself but I can’t seem to think clearly any more. I’m so sick of myself and this vicious circle.

    • #54248

      I appreciate your kind words of support.

    • #54249

      It sounds like you are in a really difficult situation with your special needs child dependent on you. Like you say – change will come anyway and being (to some extent) in control of the change is better than uncontrolled change.  I really would advise you to find some counselling about this – perhaps some form of family therapy as I feel there are a lot of dynamics at play.

      If you are in the UK – it might be worth talking to the Gordon Moody Association to see if a residential with them would be possible – but I get a sense you are not a UK citizen.

      All we can do is give you support – but it feels to me that you need a more practical intervention closer to home.  I hope you can find the wherewithall to speak to someone and move forwards.  I wish you well.

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