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    • #3379
      sjb2014
      Participant

      HI, I came across this old email I wrote myself and for some reason want to share it with you. Let you in my head where I was .. and I realized I have come a long way. Hope you dont mind Im sharing. And again .. he said Id have money on thursday.. then today.. and nothing.. I still cant say I understand. Sometimes I just start feeling lost
      Happy Birthday to me.. it was my 43rd birthday.. 43 already, how did that happen? I remember not being happy for days prior to my birthday because of his addiction. The sadness had still lingered from our 20th anniversary in August.. we had celebrated days prior to the actual anniversary.. we had fun on Peaks Island, Maine. Ill never forget it. We sat at the end of the pier and I listened to promises.. that I knew would be broken, but I tried to believe.. thinking again, maybe this time he is not lying. I wanted to believe as much as I did every other time thru the years. I was thinking this was our 20th anniversary.. he could not lie again.. but he did. 2 days after hearing the promises that our future held; another let down. I had just crossed the finish line of the NH 10 miler and I got the call. Not a call of congratulations but a call asking for money. The money that fed the addiction that weekend.
      I knew then my heart was not willing to heal and mind not willing to forget the pain as it has in the past. However, I pushed though the tears and carried on. And yet another text at the end of my 24 hour relay asking for money to feed his need to gamble.Again. I told myself I needed to draw the line; every counselor says so. But I would question.. what is this line? A line that will protect me from me? The me that has become the enabler of this addiction. The me that has been on a roller coaster of emotions for years trying to fix the person I truly dont know anymore. The addiction had taken over years ago. He will even tell you.. Im not the person I was when we got married. Those words are scary, because I wanted him back. Where did he go? When I cried out for him, where was he ? I said I needed help, I was depressed, I reached my bottom, where was he ? I have always been there for him.. where is he?
      On my birthday I decided this year was for me, for me to be me. I can no longer live each day in fear of the next gamble. I have begged and cried and begged some more. It is difficult to understand that you are powerless to the addiction. I never wanted to believe my love was powerless. Powerless over his mind that constantly craves the next gamble, no matter the consequences.It is hard to listen to him tell you that he doesnt mean to hurt you or the family.. but the addiction is so strong that he does.
      Hard to believe a year ago he went to treatment. 30 days away from each other with the hope that when he returned we could put all of this behind us. I think he went without gambling for a few weeks and it started again., and has not stopped.
      I was always hopeful that the new medication prescribed or the new counselor would fix it. I hoped the GA meetings would help, the plans that I put in place would fix him and us. The plans that I would make so my family could stay united. I gave it all I had. His addiction has consumed me. Consumed all of my thoughts. I worried where I left my debit card, check book, the kids money. I worried at home and at work, worried if that was him calling me for money. Hard to find out that he sold Ryans video game system for the money to gamble. I had tried to keep Ryan away from this addiction. I wanted him to keep his dad on a pedastal. Mitchell I had to let in .. I did not want to. I wanted to keep Mitchell hidden from reality but I took the advice of the counselors and let him in. I used him as a pawn for Craig.. like in a chess game.. I used my son to beg my husband to stop gambling, to want it enough. The truth of my love and Mitchells love not being
      powerful enough hurt so much. I am understanding that this addiction is not any different than an addiction to drugs or alcohol. It is a mental illness. SO hard to say those words. The diagnosis of bipolor, compulsive gambling, addictive personality disorder, depression are all hard to absorb. But I supported him. I would fill the prescriptions and the pill box. I would make sure pills were taken every day. I would .. I would.. I would.. not him. I would sit in the doctors appointments .. hopefully over the years that this would just stop.
      Hard to believe was started as a fun spin of a slot machine led us here. Led me to sitting at a roulette table on my birthday weekend watching my husband gamble on me and everything we had. I had told him that everything good ends with a bad.
      I have had the worst 3 months trying to stand up to his addiction. I have been knocked down. The day he decided to stop all the plans we had in place, stopped me in my tracks.My line was drawn and I have moved it so many times, but this time i cannot. I oddly have a sense of relief. I feel guilty feeling a since of pressure release. I left my pocketbook on the kitchen table last night. I left my checkbook in my pocket book, I did not hide it back in the closet.
      Well this is my release for now.. I needed to clear my head.. its hard to attempt to tell anyone about this, its difficulty to understand living with an addiction. Its hard to accept that he has decided to continue to feed his addiction the last 6 weeks .. its hard and it hurts. Hurts more than words can say.. being powerless sucks.
      I ended my 20 year marriage 6 months ago.. still need validation that I did the right thing ..

    • #3380
      san250
      Participant

      Wow your thread is so powerful to read, very clear and a great source of information in how this horrible addiction can effect those that live with a cg. Well done for writing it and sharing it.

      I can imagine after the release, a period of grieving for your marriage, be gentle with yourself. If a cg can not help themselves they will not change. No one ever knows what the future holds and it’s only after a period of time we can look back and see how everything had to happen for us to reach our new destination.

      The only validation you need, needs to come from yourself, again be gentle with yourself. There is nothing like peace of mind and taking back your own power and never letting another person take that power away from you again. I would respectfully suggest looking at yourself to find what you can do to attract a different type of person. If you do nothing you will attract the same type of partner.

      Thank you so much for sharing. Best wishes San x

    • #3381
      twilight16
      Participant

      Hello and welcome to GT, I agree with Sans the only validation should only come from you , however, I do understand it feels good to hear from others say you did the right thing and YOU DID. YOU ABSOLUTELY DID THE RIGHT THING.
      Now you are must start your recovery, this is very important in moving on with your life, getting stronger and healing your heart and spirit. What you and others have endured with a cg in denial is and was hell, there is no other comparisons and it will take time for you to heal from the madness and cruelness of this addiction. It knows no mercy and will continue to take what it can from those who love them. Reading when you wrote about finishing the race, really tugged at my heart. AS my father would do the same thing, yet this was when I passed an important exam for my job. It was like it went through one ear and out, only wanting money.
      The support you will receive here will help you get on track and also help you deal with your ex or husband, because unfortunately he will be back. He will knock on your door, demanding what his addiction is shouting to him, he will say he is homeless , that he loves you , he will say anything to make you feel guilty,to make you feel like you are the bad person, don’t listen, if anything he has to prove himself, and I’d say this take time (years) just be prepared and keep in mind if you give in, all the work you have placed against this addiction will not be as effective.
      You, and I am including myself, are in this situation because we allowed it, we enabled and we were afraid of truly standing up to this addiction. We allowed the term, husband and father, stop us from saying enough is enough.
      When an addict doesn’t seek help and continues to be destructive than how can we support this behavior? Yet, many of us do, or have, for the wrong reasons. We cannot wish an addiction away.
      My father is a cg, I lived with this addiction at a young age, when my parents divorced when I was 18, I unknowingly and unwillingly became his enabler until I was in my late 30’s. This addiction has no shame as it targeted me, however, the good news is that I stopped it from attaching itself to my daughters, my father’s granddaughters. It will never hurt another soul, yet it still lives with my father, it is his headache and no one else’s.
      Though the boards seem slow, go back and read posts, there is so much to learn from reading other’s posts.

      Best wishes,
      XXTwilight

    • #3382
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi sjb
      I am so pleased to see you have started your own thread – you did get a couple of replies when you posted on Ell’s thread but possibly you didn’t see them. It is good to know that you now have a place all of your own on this site.
      You write that it is hard to attempt to tell others how difficult it is to live with someone with the addiction to gamble – I think it is almost impossible, which is why you are here and why you are understood.
      I understand the relief coupled with guilt when the addiction leaves the home but I do urge you to leave guilt behind as it will slow the recovery you deserve. Recovery does hurt and it is hard but I hope you will be empowered by realising that by retaking control of your life, you have led the way and shown your husband that you will not be a victim of his addiction.
      The knowledge that the heart will not heal the pain as it used to do is horrible – the decision you took to break away was not taken lightly. It is so easy to say ‘draw the line’ but when, where and how is impossible for another to determine. I believe it to be so for a CG (compulsive gambler) as well – crossing the line, letting go of the past and controlling the addiction to gamble takes great determination and courage and it seems to me your husband is not ready to take that leap of faith yet.
      I would love to communicate with you in real time; the Tuesday group is at 10pm New York time. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum – you would be very welcome.
      Given time you will find the validation that you need – recovery is not easy but it is the road to peace.
      Velvet

    • #3383
      jenny46
      Participant

      I would also echo what everyone else has said about validation coming from within you.

      Although reading your story was sad and you didn’t get the ending you would have like, I was relieved when reading it that you chose the ending that you did or a new beginning whichever way you look at it.

      The alternative, possibly looking at another 20 years of the same …….. doesn’t bear thinking about.

      If any validation is required read back on your post from time to time as a stark reminder to how life could have continued, there is no greater validation than the words you have written which so clearly capture what you have been through and if you hadn’t been so brave as to walk away – the life you would be still leading now.
      It is hard to explain to others and many people don’t get it , I hope they never find themselves in the position where they have to find out.

      Jenny

    • #3384
      sjb2014
      Participant

      I want to thank everyone that has responding to my story .. and my need for validation. I cant thank you enough. I have read what you each have written me many times over the last few days.. I read them and feel stronger.
      Its crazy that I still seek validation even after having to sign contempt of court paperwork today because I haven’t received any child support .
      And Saturday he tried to get money from me, my son, my sister and my mom. He went to a casino instead of my sons basketball tournament.. said he couldn’t get to my son because he gambled all his money away and had no money for gas. My son was 4 hours away from home… he chose to go gambling instead.. and please tell me why do I carry guilt for trying to be happy? How is it that he has no line .. I had to draw the line.. why not him? How is it that he has no consequences… losing his family wasn’t enough to make him stop this addiction.. it hurts so much .

    • #3385
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi sjb
      I believe you are struggling because you are no longer living in the shadow of your husband’s addiction but you know he is, however, there should be no guilt because you are not responsible for, nor the cause of, his inability to see the line.
      Your husband’s head is full of addiction which leaves no room for good, honest, true thought. He has been living in his cocoon of addiction for so long that his lies have become the only truth he knows; he doesn’t want to listen yet, or face the demons that possess him and sadly no amount of trying to make him see, will open his blinkered eyes.
      There is a line for your husband, just as I believe there is a line for all of us but his addiction has tenacity and he doesn’t want to break free and cross that line yet but if/when he did decide to try, your happiness ‘will’ matter, whatever happens between now then and however long it takes. You have chosen the freedom to become the person you want to be and raise your children without addiction hurting all your lives – carry on with that and don’t look back. No ‘what if’s’ or ‘if onlys’ – they only slow your progress.
      Rock bottom is a state of mind – the line is invisible. Your husband will be afraid of the consequences of his behaviour preferring to believe in what he thinks is the easier course – that his addiction will look after him. It is only when the CG is in control of his/her addiction that consequences are faced and I think we can only scratch the edge of understanding how difficult and frightening it must be to face such wreckage, not just of their own lives but the lives of all those who love them and who care about them.
      My CG lost his family and everything else he owned but still it was not enough to stop his addiction and he spiralled into depths of which I have no knowledge. Why he eventually changed I have no idea but when he did, I too had changed – I had begun to grow into the person who can write like this to you now. It would be wrong to surmise if, or when, your husband will change but I do know that whatever the future holds for both of you – your happiness is something to embrace and never to feel guilty about – for both your sakes.
      Keep posting and please pop into a group and say hi in real time. You are doing well – probably better than you realise but it does take time.
      Velvet

    • #3386
      twilight16
      Participant

      Rock bottom was what I was praying for, hoping my dad would finally see the light of the addiction controlling his life. When I knew he was living in the car, not working, just living on a little pension he would see the light, but no. I felt he would certainly see how his situation was the result of gambling, but again he didn’t. If anything gambled more and demanded more from others and me, always wanting money, now looking back he knew he had nothing to lose. It is truly sad when it gets to this point, not just for the cg, but the family members. I had many nights feeling sick to my stomach, afraid for him but still I did not give in. I knew my father if I did he would think all was well again and the vicious cycle would start again.
      Tougher times are still ahead for you but remember whatever your cg pulls you can handle it, just remember your reaction is what is most important. Action is really the only thing that moves a cg, not screaming or threatening or crying, these actions only show the addiction that it has control over you.
      There is nothing you can say to him that will move him to stop, only following through, as you did yesterday filing contempt papers. Don’t give the addiction room to do anymore damage.
      You will be fine, keep running to keep your sanity and you are on this road to recovery for you and your children.
      Take care,
      Twilight

    • #3387
      nomore 56
      Participant

      Hi Sjb, let me start by saying that there is nothing for you to feel guilty about. You have evidently tried for a long time to keep the family together and it didn’t work. It was his choice, not yours. Your choice was to take care of yourself and your kids and bring some peace and quiet to your life. His choice was and still is to keep his addiction alive and well, no matter what. I think that we often doubt if we really did try enough, long enough, hard enough and why do we look for happiness when the cg is living in misery? You see, this guilt is what the addiction uses as a tool to keep going. Do you think your hb would have attended the game if he had money for gas? I don’t. There comes the guilt. Your son missed his father at the game and only because you wouldn’t fork over some money. As for the consequences, everyone is different in that department. My hb spent a year in prison for a crime he committed to finance his gambling. In the process, he lost his family, meaning not only myself and our daughter but also his daughter from his first marriage and his extended family. And his civil rights, and his career, his retirement, our house, the cars. You name it, it was gone. Was it enough? No, he relapsed right away and his justification was that now there was no reason to work on his recovery. What the heck, everything was gone, his life was destroyed so he might as well kept on gambling. Just like you I was stunned and couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It went on for another 5 1/2 years until he reached his personal rock bottom and completed a longterm inpatient treatment. But not because I made him, not for us, for himself. And it worked. I listened to the daily mantra of nobody cares, who cares, nobody loves me, you are all out to get me, I have no reason to quit gambling, etc., etc. for the whole 5 1/2 years and just wish I would have had the chance to do what you did, chose freedom. I think you did great and your kids will thank you, if not now than when they are older and look back at the insanity that was life with a cg. I wish you all the best, stay strong and hopefully nobody in your family will cave in and throw good money after bad. 🙂

    • #3388
      sjb2014
      Participant

      I am so thankful I have found this support. I read the post you all have written to get me thru the day. I try to focus on me and my kids.. and trying to tell myself being happy is ok. I still find myself getting gut wrenching pains when I think ,, has this really happened to me. How did addiction to gambling do this? I find it hard to talk to friends/family.. they don’t understand. They ask me why didn’t he just stop, did I try enough, did he try therapy.. oh my god I want to scream.. I did it all.. I just didn’t tell anyone.. and now they all want to judge, criticize, offer advice.. I get so angry.
      I look at pictures of our family.. and see how hard I tried and just still get so upset that addiction was so powerful.
      I have found some happiness with an old friend. I went to dinner with him. Funny,, he has been divorced for over a year because his wife was addicted to pain medication.. so we have shared stories. We laugh, cry and support each other. Developing a friendship.. but then I find myself feeling guily .. what is wrong with me!! I stop myself from happiness. I think about why did he gamble.. why wasn’t I enough.. why did he do this to my kids… why why why.
      Maybe Im just tired today. Thankful I have this support page to write on.
      Thanks for listening
      Sheryl

    • #3389
      san250
      Participant

      You are entitled to happiness!! The addiction was not thinking of you and your happiness when in full swing. I am glad you have someone you can share your experiences with and who is not judging you and comes from a similar place … it will help. I truly believe everyone we meet comes into our lives for a reason … the good and the not so good! Take any support that comes your way. Hoping you feel a little stronger after some sleep. Best wishes San x

    • #3390
      jenny46
      Participant

      I am pleased that you have found a support in someone who knows what it is like to love and live with a person with an addiction.
      If that support brings you relief and some happiness then long may it continue.
      The comments that you have received from the others you mention are from those who have not walked in your shoes or had the misfortune to have the unwelcome intrusion of this addiction in their life. They are comments born out of ignorance, lack of knowledge and experience and not worth taking much notice of.

      You will have asked all of these questions like many of us, of ourselves, thousands of times before coming to the decisions that you have. You will have judged yourself enough and I suspect you are still judging yourself now.
      If he was rolling around the streets completely off his head on drugs or alcohol behaving in a socially unacceptable way, if he had an addiction such as that everyone would be able to clearly see it and I should think they would all be saying what’s she doing with him, walk away etc etc. This addiction and its characteristics are so well hidden and invisible it seems to be viewed by some as not so damaging !! because they cannot see it.
      The very fact that you are being asked ‘ have you tried enough ‘ etc or whatever BS it was that you were asked shows the lack of knowledge.

      You have done enough, you have done more than enough, you have probably done too much. He is the owner of the addiction, you are not. It was within his capacity to change it wasn’t within yours. For whatever reason he was not ready to change – he didn’t do enough !

      Its not easy to walk away, I’ve done it myself, its hard and these feelings don’t go away over night or by themselves. Keep focusing on you, your children and on going forwards.

      I’m not going to say don’t look back as I know you will, I catch myself frequently doing just that but now more so to remind myself of a place that I will never revisit or to draw on all that I’ve learned to apply it elsewhere.

      The pain gets less with time, but it also takes work to carry on putting one foot in front of the other. Just as a CG has to work and be commited to their own recovery then so do we, it doesn’t happen on its own.

      You are doing well and you have nothing to question yourself about. It takes a strong person to walk away and accept that you also have the right to make a better life.

      Life is a series of choices, he made his and you’ve made yours

      I wish you peace as you grow in your recovery

      Jenny

    • #3391
      Lu
      Participant

      Hi Sheryl
      Reading your post was like reading about myself. I feel like I need validation despite knowing that I have done the right thing for myself, our children and my husband by separating from him.
      I separated from my husband 3 months ago in the hope that he would admit and realise the impact that his gambling has had. I never thought I would leave and still can’t believe I did. The day I left I had never seen him so angry and it scared me, perhaps that was what prompted me to separate (and him clearing out half his pay when he promised the day before he would not touch it). His mood swings were becoming worse and despite him admitting he has a ‘sporadic’ gambling problem and seeing a gambling counsellor in my heart I knew it was/is more than a sporadic problem.
      Sadly he still does not admit he has an addiction and he won’t admit that he is entirely responsible for my leaving. His behaviour and way he speaks to me (text messages and emails)is horrible, you would think I did something wrong, he blames me and is extremely defensive. The hardest thing for me to deal with is the seemingly moments of clarity where he is apologetic . I know that if he was truly apologetic and wanted to be back with me that he would not continue to send me cruel text messages and emails that he continues to do after his apologetic ones. I know he must admit that he has a gambling addiction before I could ever contemplate a future for us and importantly he must demonstrate to me he wants me back by his behaviour not by his apologetic words in his moments of self pity. It is so frustrating for me because I love him SO much and I can’t do anymore than what I have done.
      I know I must be strong but it is so so so hard. I am trying to take one day at a time. It is nice to know that I am not the only person feeling like I do and hopefully hearing how I feel may help you know you are not alone.

    • #3392
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Lu
      Please start your own thread as it is impossible to support you on another member’s thread and you will miss the individual support that ‘you’ deserve. It is great to read other threads but by starting your own, you will receive knowledge of the addiction and give others the chance to support you. Scroll to the bottom of the F&F page, click on ‘New Topic’ and follow the instructions.
      You are right to believe that control of the addiction can only begin to come about with acceptance but also with acceptance must come action. I don’t know how far you have got with your reading but I suggest clicking on ‘Resources’ at the top of this page, then click on Gamblers Anonymous International Directory, click on the link and then on ’20 questions’ and maybe print them off. There is no guarantee that your husband will respond well to seeing these questions but sometimes CGs (compulsive gamblers) are not aware that they have a recognised addiction or that there is help for them.
      I understand why you are telling him to blame you if he wants to do so – but please be aware that you know that you are not to blame.
      I hope you do start you own thread and that we may ‘talk’ in real time soon.
      Velvet

    • #3393
      jamesn
      Participant

      Hi sjb,

      Thank you for writing your story. You inspired me. My wife is a CG and I too tried to fix her for 10 years because I thought with love we can overcome anything. I also gave up. I started the legal separation process earlier this week. I hope to have the courage to finalize the divorce.

    • #3394
      sjb2014
      Participant

      I have been strong.. and now feeling weak. I saw Craig yesterday, he looks awful. Admits to constantly gambling. I really thought he would of stopped.. divorced now for 7 months.. and I wasn’t enough.. how is that possible? Our car is in repossession because he has it and hasn’t paid.. the bank keeps calling me. I saw Craig for the first time in months, talked to him.. and now feeling guilty. He says I was his only happiness and I kept him from getting this out of control, he said he lives in his car.. the car looks like he does.. clothes etc in back seat. He then text me that he cant live with the guilt and hope is remembered for being a good dad and not a loser gambler. My mind is so mixed up today. I am scared he will finally go through with his threats of suicide.. and actually feeling that during the 20 years of marriage.. maybe I didn’t do enough… I know I did though… please help me get my self back together.. falling apart again..

    • #3395
      Lu
      Participant

      Hi Shery
      It is heartbreaking but you know you did everything you could to help your husband and it is not your fault that he has made the decisions he has and you should not be made to feel guilty. I separated from my husband 3 months ago and am feeling just like you. I also feel guilty and receive text messages to make me feel guilty. I also worry he may suicide. It is unfair that despite walking away that our pain is still the same if not worse. Stay strong and cling onto why you walked away. I tell myself the same thing everyday.

    • #3396
      jamesn
      Participant

      Hi Sherry,
      Last week I saw my wife and she looks so sad and I was also wondering if I have tried hard enough in the last 10 years to help her. The thought that she might kill herself also crossed my mind. I think you [and I] have done everything we could already. Now I have to constantly remind myself that I have no control over any of this. I don’t think you have any control either. The only thing we can do now is to try to live a healthy life. I am sorry about the financial problems that you are facing. I wonder if you can declare bankruptcy where you live and start from scratch. My situation is not as dire but if I stay with my wife we could be in that situation at anytime. The first time I left my wife 4.5 years ago she also told me like what your husband told you. I was the only thing that kept her going totally out of control. However, the personal costs to me was tremendous. I lived in constant fear and anxiety of my wife gambling again, of not knowing how much debt we have, whether she is at work or at a casino, and calling her repeatedly to check where she is and if she doesn’t pick up the phone I would have a panic attack, I gave up my hobbies, friends and stayed home to “watch” my wife. I realized that it is not a healthy lifestyle. We made to many sacrifices already and it is time for them to be responsible for their own lives. I hope you stay strong and wish you the best.

    • #3397
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Lu
      To start your own thread, scroll to the bottom of the F&F page, click on ‘New Topic’, give your thread a title, write your post in the box and click ‘Save’- as you have seen already there are other members ready and willing to walk with you and support you. It is great to read other threads but your post will receive the individual support that ‘you’ deserve.
      Velvet

    • #3398
      sjb2014
      Participant

      thank you for writing.. I didn’t think I would need support still.. but still feeling I need it.. I had to go to court yesterday.. I finally said he cant do this to me. I filed contempt of court against him because he has continued to gamble and not pay adequate child support. I was in a court room with my ex-husband…20 years married.. asking him to please pay for his children. He stood up said he had paid some, but not all, and he suffers from mental illness, and gambling addiction. I said nothing, my lawyer was with me. The hearing was over.. he walked out behind me.. not a word spoken between us. How has this happened.. I then get a text 3 hours later, it said he is sorry that it has come to this.. and maybe our marriage was a lie .. and again he writes Im sorry. I have been heartbroken , crying since yesterday.. what is wrong with me.. why am I not just angry . I am disappointed in myself. I feel like my life is surreal.. in a bad way. He chose to gamble.. walk away from treatment.. and Im here feeling guilty, I text me he want his life with me, this is my fault, he wanted to grow old with me… well I wanted that more than anyone.. please help me get stronger.. I was doing so good.

    • #3399
      sjb2014
      Participant

      addendum: feeling like maybe I should write him, but is it worth it ? Tell him my heartache and how I feel again.. but really is it worth it?

    • #3400
      twilight16
      Participant

      Hi Sherry,

      I know how it feels to be in your shoes as I was a few years ago in a similar situation (court). Actually three times for different reasons.
      The first time I felt like I was going to throw up, shaking like a leaf, just a few feet away from my father, to see the person who should have never allowed for his daughter, to do what I had to so he wouldn’t further destroy my life with his gambling. Still he was trying to be nice, please what a con. Was pure evil and the most awful thing a parent can do, to see their child suffer.
      Your ex is doing the same thing to you, he is playing the victim, the hurt one, now he says he has a gambling problem I feel more out of convenience , for the court’s sympathy; to save his behind. A role that many cg in denial play real well to get enablement. The minute you start feeling sorry for him, start feeling like you haven’t given your all, is the addiction getting through your wall and I would change that frame of thinking real fast or you’ll do something you’ll regret.
      Continue on your recovery, don’t communicate with him, this includes writing a letter which he will misconstrued to think there is hope between you two. The best thing I feel you should do is let him live his life, let him gamble, let him take care of himself. He is not your husband anymore, it is time you let go.

      Your unhappiness is not because of anything you didn’t do, it’s because you tried so many times and your ex just kept gambling. He is the one who made the choice to gamble, to live in his car and the only one who can get himself out of the mess he created, not you or anyone else.

      Twilight

    • #3401
      san250
      Participant

      I can’t recommend this enough to anyone who wants some relief and release. It’s turned my life around. This event is free and could change your life too. http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/thankyou-step2.html

      Time to get your power back? This will help. Wishing you all the best. San x

    • #3402
      sjb2014
      Participant

      Twilight,
      Thank you for writing. I needed that . I am letting his addiction beat me down. I watched him act like the victim in court. Your are exactly right he was looking for enablement, he is so good at that. I just constantly ask myself why .. why .. why was our family not his bottom line, I would ‘of bet ‘ before to anyone that we were his bottom line. The pain is exactly like you said because I tried so many times and he just keeps gambling. So hard to understand why he makes those choices over keeping his family. I need to rebuild my wall and try to look forward.. or you are right again.. Im going to regret it.
      thanks for listening and responding , Sheryl

    • #3403
      sjb2014
      Participant

      Jamesn,
      Thank you for writing, what you wrote has helped me refocus. just so hard to understand how we have made the sacrifices for them and it wasn’t enough. I know I too lived in constant fear and anxiety of him gambling again, had lots of panic attacks too.. I don’t miss that part. Im hoping to stay strong and hope you are doing okay as well
      Sheryl

    • #3404
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Sheryl
      I cannot tell you what to do – whether you write to your ex husband or not is up to you.
      My CG told me, once he had turned his life around and controlled his addiction, that he had seen rejection in every word of the letter I had sent him telling him my feelings. In spite of that I don’t regret sending it.
      What I don’t think would be right is to enter a series of texts or emails which can lead to misery on behalf of the sender and hope of enablement for the CG.
      This is a really dreadful time for you at the moment but it will pass – you are doing everything that is right for you and your son so don’t feel guilty; you have nothing to feel guilt about. It is sad that sometimes we have to accept that there are CGs we cannot save – some who are unable for one reason or another to have the strength of character to control their terrible addiction and many who feel that they don’t want to do so. You were the one that had to draw the line because you do not have his addiction.
      I think the hardest part for me was accepting that my love was not strong enough to conquer everything with someone I loved and finally after 25 years letting go. I couldn’t believe that the loss of everything would not be the bottom line but it wasn’t. The change when it came had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him but I don’t think it would have come without estrangement, so my suggestion is for you to keep moving forward because you are the person you can control. Live a full life with your son and family, doing things that please you, things that were probably put on hold when the addiction was filling your thoughts. Put up barriers and don’t be afraid to feel angry or cry – the tears will stop.
      I rebuilt myself Sheryl and I know you can – the best bit is that in the rebuilding you can put in extra strong bricks that were not there before – you can take the terrible experience and make your life better for it.
      It would be good to chat in real time in a group sometimes.
      Velvet
      Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire first.

    • #3405
      twilight16
      Participant

      Hi Sherry,

      What really helped me was keeping my heart and mind separated, for example, I could care about him but this did not take away from the gambling he did and I was not going to enable his gambling.
      Things can be amicable between you two, however, don’t let this be the gateway for him to ask favors or bailouts, these are his, and if he crosses the line wanting help, just back away. You have spent the last twenty plus years, believing and trusting him, but he kept gambling.
      It is time you live your life, your ex is where he is because of his choices, his denial of the monster addiction in him and if he were to change, he has to do this by action, and not by just saying I have a problem. This can be a good start but doing nothing about it, is just really nothing. It is not a big deal and should not be rewarded.
      Your son is lucky to have a mother like you, who is standing against this awful addiction. It is hard, it is probably the worst thing you will do in your life. However, in the end, your efforts will be rewarded by a healthy life, one free from stress, anxiety and sleepless nights.
      Somewhere along the lines your ex will have to face his addiction, it may be years from now, but he will and maybe then he will do something about it. Any enablement by you or anyone is not going to help him and prevent a possible rock bottom. It was when I completely shut the door on the addiction did my father’s life start crumbling down to where he eventually got the help he needed. Still my life was who I was trying to save and my children’s, not so much my father’s. He had made a clear choice that he was going to continue gambling and this was enough for me to move on to a better life.
      Twilight

    • #3406
      sjb2014
      Participant

      Twilight and Velvet ..thank you so much.. I keep reading your post.. and hoping to pound your words into my head.
      Sometimes I think Im the one with issues
      While at work he called me today, said sorry for everything, his insurance was up to date and he wishes he changed but he hasnt and cant handle things.. so now what..I wait for the phone to ring thinking maybe this time it wasnt drama, but I know I did everything I could..
      I still let him play me. How and why?
      I was getting so strong.. now Im not

    • #3407
      Mred321
      Participant

      I am the son of a CG. I am a CG . I wish I had the magic solution to all of your pain. let me tell you some about myself. I gambled and bet on stuff until I was around 35. I am now 50 and still have problems not going back to the bet.That was the first time I tried to stop when I was 35. I would disapear for a few days at a time. I would drive to the race track and then sleep in the car until they opened back up again.. This was before they turned it into a casino now they stay open all night. I would do this until I ran out of money sometimes it would take 3 or 4 days. Then I would crawl back home and promise I would never do it again. That would only last until I could somehow beg borrow or steal more money to bet with. Whan and only when I could not get more money from anywhere. My cards were all maxed out. The bank would not give me more money. That was when I even dared to think about really stopping. MY relatives the ones that would still speak to me all cut me off. My wife threatened to leave me .Now that I look back upon the situation. she should have left me and kept on running. She thought she could straighten me out somehow. To this day she is still trying. All I do is make her miserable and make her worry about what I am up to. I was fine for a few years until my mother left me some money and it started all over again. I am on the slow road to making myself a better person. I go to meetings for GA they help out . The thing is your husband must try to help himself. You must not fall for all the stuff he may be telling you. I kept lying about little stuff even after I stopped gambling. I have stopped gambling for a few months now. I can only thank God my daughter does not have the disease or will ever not get it. She is 25 now and doing very well in life even though I did not have much to do with that. I thank my wife for doing her best to raise my daughter. Hope you have the courage to resist your husband until you can see that he is actually getting better. Remember it not your fault . you do not take him to the casino or wherever he goes to gamble. You are a good person. Thank you for being here It helps those of us who need reminding of the damage we do to others . Thank you for taking the time to read this I hope it helps . Remember try not to blame yourself It is he that has the problem not you.

    • #3408
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Sheryl
      You will be getting stronger even if you don’t feel it. Once understanding comes of what you are dealing with, you begin to put mental barriers in place without realising it and given time they grow. The F&F recovery is very hard – it takes a long time to lose self-esteem and it takes a long time to win it back but you will. I know I am further down the road but the way I cope is to know that I can live with my CG in my life but only if his addiction never hurts me again – and to that end I live with the mantra that ‘I will never live with the addiction to gamble again’ etched indelibly in my brain.
      I think every person I have ever spoken to who has lived with the addiction to gamble has ended up thinking that they are the one with issues and in the end I think it is impossible not to have some – but the F&F issues are woven around ‘how’ and ‘why’ and in time can be overcome as the realisation grows that you never stood a chance – you didn’t know what it was that was that was confusing and hurting you because the addiction was thriving on a secret you were never meant to understand; you were and are trusting and caring.
      I believe your husband is sorry but at the moment I suspect he is still sorrier that his addiction has been exposed.
      I cannot tell you what to do but I think it is good to have notes beside a phone when you are waiting for it to ring and you are not sure of your resistance. Headings that remind you of what you want to say and bigger headings that remind you what you don’t want to say – the words that help his addiction get under your skin. For instance ‘I’m sorry’ is meaningless without positive action that proves sorrow – so perhaps you could say something like ‘call me and tell me you are sorry when you are taking steps to change your life but until then don’t tell me you are sorry. Later on (and only when you are ready), this can be developed into ‘don’t call me unless it is to tell me you are changing your life’. In reply to ‘I can’t handle things’ maybe it could be said that ’you can, I have had to seek support for me and now I know support is there for you if you want it enough’. Control the call and don’t allow the conversation to deviate from that which you have prepared.
      Avoid lengthy discussions – his addiction likes wars of words and is a master at manipulation, whereas you are not. A method not recognized professionally but which has helped many cope is to imagine your husband’s addiction as a slavering beast lying beside him on the other end of the phone.
      Your husband is controlled by his addiction but you are not. When you threaten his addiction, it comes between you and controls the conversation. Once it is between you, you will only hear that addiction speak and because it only knows lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. When you speak the addiction distorts your words and your husband cannot comprehend your meaning.
      My CG explained it to me by saying that all the time when I was telling him (for instance) that if he didn’t lie but lived honestly he would be happy, his addiction was telling him that I was lying because he truly believed that he was unlovable, worthless and a failure – he was lost and fought back the only way be knew because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism. The addiction to gamble only offers failure to those who sadly own it.
      I think you feel you are still ‘letting him play you’ because deep down you want to believe that this time he is different. In my opinion it is good, although difficult, not to ‘try’ and believe him because in doing so you become receptive. If you can stand back a bit and listen to what he is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
      I hope some of this helps.
      Velvet

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