8 February 2013 at 11:02 pm #11249alex1872Participant
I am 34 years old with 2 kids of 4 and 6.
I have been a serious gambler for the last 3 years losing about £25000 in the process, losing my car due to taking a loan on it that i could not pay and I am now in debt totalling £15000 to payday companies, loans anywhere i could get money to feed my addiciton.
I have stopped gambling on 2 occasions the second for a year at which time I thought i had quit for good as had no urges for some time and was disgusted with the thought of gambling after all the hurt I had caused and all the money I had lost. I now know this is going to be a fight I have for the rest of my life and just worry that i might lose everyone that I love.
I met an amazing person a year ago and things had been going really well, starting to rebuild my life with my kids and yet 3 months ago i gave into the urge to gamble and as I have so many outgoings, mortgage, childcare, rent, maintenance I have been chasing my losses ever since resulting in blowing all the money I had for Christmas presents and also my rent money one month. I started to think about stealing to get money and even thought of killing myself last month on numerous occasions but could not do this to my kids. I have an overwelling feeling of guilt, depression and tiredness of trying to hide my ilness from everyone, I am struggling to keep it togther on a day to day basis when i feel I cannot control this disease which is hurting other people and feel like I dont have the energy to fight this anymotre. I feel as if I have let down my kids the most precious beings in the world to me yet this illness seems to take over and I withdraw from everyone and behave like someone I dont even recognise. I find it hard to speak to people as I believe that people that are not problem gamblers find it hard to understand my actions without judging me as a horrible person.
I know i need to go back to councelling and try recovery one more time especially for the sake of my kids. I hope to get back to the person I was as i feel like a complete shadow of that person nowadays. Not sure what I will gain from posting on here but as a person that keeps everything to myself it feels good to actually get this off my chest. I have told my partner of my gambling but again have not went into too much detail as i am worried about losing her and also find it hard to explain my actions.
Alexonwards and upwards9 February 2013 at 12:48 am #11250veraParticipant
Hi Alex and welcome to GT!
Well done on getting things off your chest ! I hope you found that a relief!
As a CG, I think when I first came here in May 2008, that’s exactly what I was looking for! Relief! Most people look for relief from life’s problems. A cure is painful (Not that there is any known "cure" for gambling). Most of us look for the easy way out Alex! I certainly did, but I am learning slowly that there is no easy way to get out of the mess we have created. The good news, however, is that recovery is possible, but it comes at a price. The price is no more gambling! We have to "kiss our lover goodbye" and move on! That seems daunting to a CG, but we really have no option but to keep on trying. If I had stopped in 2008 when I had myself psyched up to leave the gambling life behind me, things would be very different in my life today but I succumbed to the wiles of the addiction many ***** and as a result, here I am still struggling. Broke but not broken. Shattered but not yet defeated!
You are perfectly right Alex. Gambling can take EVERYTHING from us. It is a sinister and progressive disease and very few who are not directly affected by it have any understanding of thhe damage it can cause.
My advice to you is to contact your counsellor asap. Get your life back on track before this greedy addictions robs you of any more of the good things you have. For today, give your cash an Credit cards to your girlfriend and lay down your arms an surrender. Admitting you are powerless is the first step!
Well done on coming here. You will get lots of help and support as you begin to rebuild your young life, one day at a time!
God bless !9 February 2013 at 5:45 am #11251nevaParticipant
Alex, this is a terrible addiction and is so hard to break but, as long as you never give up trying to stop, you will reap the rewards of recovery. Read Kathryn’s thread. She has changed her life and so have many others. Everyone’s journey is different so nobody can map it out for someone else. Vera is right about handing over all sources of gambling opportunities such as cash, debit, paypal or credit cards. You might feel strong today but there will come a time when you are less than strong so, instead of ******** on will power (which doesn’t work very often), protect yourself by not having access to money. You’ll feel frustrated, upset, maybe beg your partner for money…but those feelings will pass and you’ll be so relieved you couldn’t gamble and hadn’t lost any money. The longer you go without gambling the stronger you’ll get. If you can self ban, do it. Do everything you can because you deserve the life you’re meant to have and it does not include gambling.
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