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    • #25551
      Screwball
      Participant

      This will be my life i will start with a brife history and over the coming years post my thoughts, the ups & downs, in the hope to control myself and build a life,

      Please feel free to comment we are all here so the same reason, support our own recovery and that of others.

    • #25552
      Screwball
      Participant

      Up until Good Friday this year I was married with 3 great kids until my latest gambling relapse forced my wife to call it a day every year for 13 years I have failed to control my gambling, and every time I would lie to cover it up till the truth was there in black and white with now where hide.
      Like many a time before I was kicked out the family home, but this time it was different, I drove off in the car no where to head to £5 in my pocket.
      I walk the local fishing lake till dusk in a hope she would text or call, nothing so I drove till I found a lay-by on a quite road and parked up the night, a very cold and loanly night, I keep the engine running for some if to coldest parts but knew I still needed fuel for the morning. Laying there trying to sleep my on thoughts where I hope someone wants to nic the car while I sleep, beet me to death or near death so my pain would be eased, Saturday came the only text I got was to ask if I would drop the kids Easter eggs off as they where still in the car.
      I manage to grap a few cloths and my sleeping bag when I did drop them off then returned the same layby same thoughts as before, but no such luck.
      Sunday afternoon I get a call from my brother who only calls when something is wrong, the wife had phoned my dad and told him what I had done thinking I was there ,now they knew I could hide by the side of the road any longer I had to face them. It was hard but told them what had happened how bad the debt was and they took me in
      As the weeks went by I would get to speak to my boys every now and then but was still stuck in self putty and self destruct mode, racking up another 10k in just 2 weeks
      Now my kids avoid me cos they are scared of me, on the 30/5/14 I took my first step back on the road to recovery

    • #25553
      Screwball
      Participant

      I have over the last few weeks made much more of an effort to build a bridge with my kids only for it to keep falling down thought comments I have made, at times I have thought it best to give up on them walk away for good, but then I think they will need me one day like I need my dad right now, without him and his help I would be homeless, and it is with thos thoughts I stay strong and believe one day I really could be their dad again, a man they want to see, spend time with and even share thos special moments with like school reports exam results and winning their next compation.
      I have come to understand what been a dad is all about just a shame it’s 12 years too late, I miss the simple stuff like watching them play, messing about with them and even putting them to bed, over the years the only time I really spent with them was just after I’d been caught out, mainly to avoid the wife but also to make up for some of the time they had missed out on due to my gambling.
      I have started my recovery soon I hope they can start theirs with me been part of it,
      Any way that’s me that’s what I pushed away by gambling and lieing if your not this far broken you have time to fix it, everyone you love is hurt by what we do, every pound you put in a machine is part of there sole your giving away, and even if you did get the money back you will never get back that little bit of them, if be love, trust or effection it will be lost forever.
      I hope people read this and it helps them understand what gambling does to others, as when we are gambling they are the last thing on your mind. Join me down this road to a greater life as each day Webdo not gamble We take another step forward,

    • #25554
      vera
      Participant

      Brilliant post, Screwball!
      Good luck in recovery!
      One day at a time!

    • #25555
      icandothis
      Participant

      Hey Screwball…I hate calling you that. Welcome to GT. We are all in this together. You can’t get back those days when you were gambling instead of spending time with your family. Trust can be rebuilt. Your children love you. There are better days ahead. I love what you said, “Each day we do not gamble, we take another step forward.” I hope we all took a step forward today! If not, then tomorrow? Take care and glad to see you taking stock of what really matters.

    • #25556
      Dunc
      Keymaster

      <

      Hello Screwball and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

      Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

      Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

      And on that note….

      I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

      Take care

      The Gambling Therapy Team


      PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
      privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    • #25557
      cat438
      Participant

      Welcome SB and congratulations on seeking help in your recovery. Our compulsive gambling, gambling addiction or whatever we want to call it is something that fellow cg’s understand. Our loved ones don’t understand the grip that this addiction has on us as, thank God, they are not cg’s like us. It took me a while to understand that I have to take it one day at a time, and all we have to focus on is today. We don’t need to worry about tomorrow, next week, next month, all we need to go is focus on today!!!! It is going to take time for your loved ones to trust you again, as they have probably been hurt by your addiction. You have a father that loves you unconditionally and is there to help you. I don’t know if you have started going to GA or any other group to get help and support. Grab all the help and support that you can to help you in recovery. Another cg understands like no one else, as they have walked the walk!!!! WTG on joining GT!!!!

    • #25558
      Screwball
      Participant

      Thanks to all, who have read and posted their support, it is hard to come to terms with every thing at the moment, I’m trying my best to become a better person to brake the cycle that has hurt so many over the years, yet my family see it as just another stunt, to win them back, of cos I want them back but because they want to be with me not cos I’m making an effort to change, I know with change I will become a much better person but without them in my life there is no one to benafit from it, I still have days I wish someone would just kill me in a car crash then it would not be my fault but they could move on knowing I will never hurt them again.
      But as it stands I’m still alive and need to make the most of it am lucky enought to have finished work early today so can get out in the garden and vent some anger on patio project. What I should be doing is getting ready to surprise my boys and pick them up from school, but I left my recovery too late to be able to do that.
      Still the days are adding up and so are the pennies, so to all that come here stay strong and take care. Today I will not gamble.

    • #25559
      Screwball
      Participant

      Well today I have taken another step along my road to recovery, today I did not gamble. Instead I called my boys and got to talk to them hear the news of their week, stuff I should of been there for but sadly missed out on. But do get to see them tomorrow, there mum is working and they have a weekend full of martial arts, training tomorrow followed by European championships on Sunday I’ll get to stand in their corner once more, so looking forward to this weekend the first in many weeks and can even afford to treat them to dinner tomorrow, the day maybe full of questions but I’m ready for it.

    • #25560
      vera
      Participant

      Great progress SB!
      I’m happy that you are seeing the benefits of not gambling!
      Don’t overdo it with the kids. Try to keep it normal or they might think its “Dad trying to buy us back!” I’ve heard that said before….
      Keep it simple!
      Rome wasn’t built in a day!

    • #25561
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi SB
      “I’m trying my best to become a better person to break the cycle that has hurt so many over the years, yet my family see it as just another stunt, to win them back, of cos I want them back but because they want to be with me not cos I’m making an effort to change.”

      I am posting to you because I love a CG and not because I am a CG in the hope I can support you and encourage you to keep moving forward when you feel unsure.
      It is not possible for any of us to ‘know’ when a true recovery starts and when a family has lived with many false starts the barriers that are set up are almost insurmountable and they are meant to be so. It takes a long time for the barriers to go up and it stands to reason that it takes a fair while for them to be taken down, allowing trust to return.
      I wouldn’t be writing here if I didn’t ‘know’ that a gambling addiction can be controlled and I am also aware of the tremendous courage it takes to do so – and how long the road seems. However those who love CGs also have to have tremendous courage to recover from living with the addiction and that also takes time. I think most CGs would not take offence when I say a lack of patience is often part of their make-up and believe me when it comes to this addiction, it is so for the loved one too – they want to know that this time it is truly different – but nobody can or should give such an assurance..
      Going to see your sons’ martial arts training is terrific – it is a moment in time when they can see their father and know he is there ‘just for them’ – I hope in a way it is not full of questions but is peppered with other things they have been doing. In my opinion, it is not a time to talk about previous behaviour but a time when you focusing on them is all that matters. Above all enjoy it.
      Keep posting on here, the more knowledge you get of your addiction the better you will cope.
      Yours sons and your wife would be more than welcome in the Friends and Family Forums and groups where they will be understood and supported.
      I didn’t want my CG back in my life because he made the effort to change; I wanted him back in my life because he did change. We have a really successful relationship SB but the early months were not easy.
      You being killed in a car crash would hurt your loved ones every day of their lives – changing your life and controlling your addiction means a wonderful life for all is possible – for me, as with your sons, faced with such a choice – there was and is no contest.
      I wish you well
      Velvet

    • #25562
      Screwball
      Participant

      Velvet, your kind words help improve my day today your support is more than welcome.
      We had a great time the past not really talked about, just time spent supporting them in what they love, making it an extra special day by getting the youngest some one on one time with his idle.
      My wife (soon to be ex as it stands) used to show the same support as you write about, but over the years of all her giving and not receiving anything but let down and lies in return she has called it day, I feel there is no hope there.
      But today has been a good day no gambling just good honest fun, now ready for the big comp tomorrow.
      Many thanks again and to a better life for all who make the choice to make their lives better.

    • #25563
      Screwball
      Participant

      Great advice, thanks
      Was just their as dad today not a walking bank , no extras well apart from dinner but that was planed anyway.
      Would have been easy to shower them in gifts but like you say I can’t buy them back, all they want is honesty and love. Something I can give them day in day out and dose not cost a penny.
      Hope you have had a good day too.

    • #25564
      charles
      Moderator

      Hi SB and welcome to the forum. I see that you are already getting great support from others.

      Don’t be impatient with either your own recovery or that of your family, take things one day at a time.

      You can’t change the way your family feel; you can only address your own actions.

      “…..yet my family see it as just another stunt, to win them back……”

      Is that any suprise? Your wife certainly will have heard it all before. It was the same with my family – htere was absolutely no reason for them to trust me by the time I actually decided to stop.

      They had heard it all before, words and promises hadn’t help me stop gambling in the past, even on the rare occasion I meant those promies! The addiction was too strong.

      The thing that both helped me stop gambling and helped start rebuild trust with my family wasn’t my words, it wasn’t any promises, it wasn’t me knowing that I meant it this time. It was my actions. Taking actions that made it harder for me to gamble, taking actions that I didn’t particularly want to take, actively seeking support byt going to GA meetings etc Now those were the actions that helped me stop and at the same time gave my family reason to think “Hey, maybe he means it this time.”

      So keep posting and let us know what actions you are taking. I see you said you gambled another 10k even after being kicked out by your wife? Ok, no one can change that but you can learn from it. What barriers would have stopped you gambling that money? What barriers would stop you doing the same thing again? Accountability? Restricting your access to funds with which to gamble? Self exclusion? A blocker on your PC? I look forward to hearing about the positive actions you are taking.

    • #25565
      Screwball
      Participant

      Charles, great post and thanks you ask some good questions, and for a moment I thought the answer was nothing but in truth, I have moved back in with my mum and dad so no second address to get bank/ credit cards sent too, my dad holds my new bank card so know idea what the card number or other details are, stoping any sort of online gambling. Removed acess to the internet by getting rid of my PC, yes I have my phone but with no bank card and only PAYG phone no way of putting any funds in, I carried on my 121 with counselling, which has helped find some of my answers. Found more positive ways to spend my free time helping my dad out in the garden or spending it with my boys, I don’t go out unless I have some where to be, and come on here often to remind my self I have a problem but I can beat it.

    • #25566
      Screwball
      Participant

      Well the end of other day, another step on my road to recovery taken. It’s not been a bad day work and the garden keeping me busy, thoughts of gambling few and fare between.

    • #25567
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      Hi SB, I just wanted to tell you that you are doing great in your recovery. You have put a lot barriers up such as not holding your bank card and getting rid of your PC. Whatever it takes to stay gamble free. Gardening is very therapeutic for me and helps my mind be free of gambling thoughts. Good wishes for you and your recovery. Have fun with your boys.

    • #25568
      monique
      Participant

      I just want to add my welcome to you and hope you find all that you need as you move forward. You have written some great posts, which will inspire others, I’m sure.

      All good wishes,

      Monique

    • #25569
      Screwball
      Participant

      Thought It was time for an update, been a busy week at more time spent driving than working but has kept me busy and gambling well out of the picture, had time for dinner with my daughter at the start of the week which was great time to chat and see how her life is moving forward much faster than mine. In the next few weeks she will have her own place, whilst I’ll still be living with my mum & dad.
      Going to treat myself to an overnight fishing trip tonight first of the year but hope to get many more in.
      The boys are away for another week in the sun sure they are having a great time just gutted I’m not there with them, and that’s all because of gambling if ever there was a reason to stop I’m living it right now, just a shame I didn’t manage it last time.
      Take care all have a fab weekend and today I will not gamble

    • #25570
      Screwball
      Participant

      Well it’s now 105 days since my last bet of any sort, feel in a much better place but my head is still spinning on what to do about my family, I’ve not spoken to my boys in over 3 weeks since I kicked off at the ex having someone else sleeping over in what was my home, I wanted to sale the house and this upset them and now will not speak to me at first I thought I could just walk away forget about them and move on, but as time goes on I can’t in fact it’s not just the boys I want to make things right with it’s the ex too, I still love her before I always wanted to get back together for the kids and that I couldn’t do it on my own, now I know I’m ok on my own but really miss them all how do I brake the silence, I want to get them things with some of the money I have saved by stopping but don’t want to buy them back I want to be part of their lives cos they want me to be and ideas or advice will be great fully received

    • #25571
      vera
      Participant

      Hi SB!
      I wrote a long post earlier today…..pressed send and off it went into cyber space!!! Hate that!
      Anyway, the gist of what I was saying is “WE CAN’T BUY OUR KIDS”, but you are well aware of that….also suggested that you might try counselling or family therapy. They are your kids. Under the law you have Father’s Rights (and of course duties which most likely were neglected due to the big G) If your ex doesn’t agree to the above maybe you could get a family member or GA buddy to do a bit of intervention on your behalf ….hate to admit it but some separated mums are *itches for turning the kids off their dad, and some married ones too!! Terrible to see them being used as pawns . Give them space for now is what I would say but keep in touch and in the picture. You don’t want some new guy up on Facebook with your children.
      They will see things a bit more clearly as time goes on, but in the meantime, I know its heartbreaking for you. I know a few men in your situation.
      The main theme of my message is stay in touch with them. Text them. Send them a letter or card. Go to the school parent/teacher meetings/concerts/sports days etc etc . Meet them whenever you can Birthdays etc.and if necessary get legal counsel!
      And of course
      don’t gamble!

    • #25572
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi SB
      I wondered what you meant by the ‘other side’ in your post’s title – I am guessing that it is perhaps someone who has been affected by a loved one with the addiction to gamble.
      It is impossible to know how relationships will go on when the addiction has been hurting everybody – including the CG. There is an enormous amount of patience required on both sides – as I wrote before it is only actions and time that can really bring about healthy relationships.
      Your sons will probably be pleased that Dad is willing to buy them things – are they pre-teen or teenagers? As you and Vera rightly point out though, buying things does not buy love.
      I really do understand how hard it must be to be aware that another man ‘appears’ to be taking over but from all the experiences I have ever had a child wants his Dad first if it is possible. You want it to be possible so please try and give them time and obviously never forget birthdays and Christmases – a letter, card or call being far more important than a present. I suggest keeping a journal of all the efforts that you make – it will help if legal representation is required in the future.
      How are your children making you aware they don’t want to talk to you? Is it coming directly from them or from your wife – once again their ages will (and do) make a difference? I am with Vera too, that some separated mums do want their children to not want their Dad and unfortunately she does have a reason to get her teeth into.
      Don’t gamble SB – remove the obvious ‘reason/excuse’ for her to keep your children from you, stay focussed on your recovery, without your addiction clouding your brain you will be the man your children would want you to be.
      I hope we hear from you soon. Vera made some excellent suggestions and it would be good to hear if you have followed any of them through and the subsequent results.
      I am hoping that Twilight, from F&F, will pick up on you post – as a child of a CG she makes so much sense.
      Speak soon
      Velvet

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