30 November 2016 at 8:20 pm #5142
Well it’s been ten days since I found out about my son gambling again ,and what a whirlwind. I had a fainting attack in hospital when I went in to have plaster removed. Anxiety had taken hold and I spent most of last week trying to regroup myself ,staying away from others ,I needed to process. Not so much the financial mayhem but the abuse of my trust..that hit so hard. He in turn has contacted a counselling org. That deal with gambling and also issues that may have led it . They also offer friends and family the same ,so I too am usuing them . I am in charge of his money, he has sorted out paying his debts back with the help of a charity that deal with this sort of thing. His free time is spent playing football and when at home his xbox with his friends and going to bed earlier. We have had talks when either of us feels the need..sometimes this can upset one or both of us but it has to be done and we both feel better afterwards. He says he’s glad I’ve got control of his money as it helps him fight the urges. He’s trying.
For me the hardest part is retrusting him..I don’t / can’t live in a house always second guessing what I’m told..so I do my best to trust ,and question when I feel uneasy with what he’s said. It’s hard very hard ,all I want ,any parent wants is to trust their kids ,their family.
I’m grateful for being able to come here and write it all down,it’s helping keep me sane .
Love to all1 December 2016 at 9:14 am #5143DuncKeymaster
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care1 December 2016 at 5:20 pm #5144velvetModerator
Harry thought your post was your first, hence his welcome,
so I will reply to you here but also I will bring up your ongoing thread and repeat my reply on that because multiple threads confuse and information can get lost lost.
Anxiety causes terrible problems and panic attack –you are doing everything right by regrouping yourself using this site and using any other help you can get.
I’m not sure if you mean by saying ‘staying away from others’ whether you mean friends or family but although this may be an answer in the short term it isn’t good in the long term. Friends talk about things that have nothing to do with gambling and time spent thinking about anything but gambling is good for your mind and soul. Being switched on to one person and his problem 24 hours a day doesn’t help you or him or those around you who love you – and believe you me I know that not thinking about your son and what he is doing is really hard.
Therein lies the thought, however, that if it is what your son is doing that is worrying you morning, noon and night then short of locking him in and throwing away the key you will not stop him gambling, so look after yourself first.
Worrying about your son as a person is, of course, hard as well but he has within him the power to change his life, the ability to control his gambling, and the ability to live a wonderful life. That is the person that is your son and with the right treatment and without enablement you can give him the best support. We believe that from the time they are born we can make everything right for our children but with this addiction, that which we believed to be the right thing to do is often wrong.
Don’t try and second guess your son yet, don’t worry about trusting him yet – it will come. Be careful how you question when you are feeling uneasy – if he is trying to control his addiction he will want you to trust him but it is too early to trust in anything apart from the fact that he is trying.
One of the hardest things of all is letting go of the way you thought/hoped it would be for your child – it will be different to anything you dreamed about but it can be wonderfully rewarding too. I know that my CG is and always will be a CG but I trust him completely to protect his gamble-free life, I trust him to live in control of his addition and I love his company and I am happy.
I hope this helps
Velvet1 December 2016 at 7:04 pm #5145
Hi Velvet , wasnt sure whether to start a new thread or continue on original..I know now .
No ,staying away from others was just a very short term thing that i had to do just 48 hours,to regroup .
My cg is doing well, he told another friend / work colleague last night,who hed borrowed money off. He gave him back the money last night and told him the truth..it was hard for him,but I was proud of him and he said he needs to harness how bad he felt telling him, how bad he feels when he thinks about what hes done ,what he got through an the lies ..by harnessing it he feels its a weapon to beat the urges.
I dont worry every minute ,and i do have a trust in him.Obviously its not what it was before ,but in the end it is his life and his choices,I can only support ..as much as I wish I could decide for him lol 🙂 He is talking more about his hopes,his worries,his life..which is great and when we do have a discussion/chat about the gambling ,it is done respectfully and i believe honestly . I do have a guard that i know i need to keep ,in order to protect me and yes that is hard,but when I regrouped and read loads of similar stories on here, i realised what i had to do for him, an what i had to do for me .
Early days ,and yes things could go either way..but today has been a good day . Cg has not gambled in 11 days .
hope all is well with you Velvet it certainly sounds it .
🙂20 December 2016 at 8:26 pm #5146velvetModerator
It would be great to get an update especially as your last post was more positive.
Velvet20 December 2016 at 10:09 pm #5147
Hi velvet 🙂
Glad to report all going well at present. He is talking more ,like when we discuss if hes had any urges ,he doesnt just say yes or no, he describes how he feels hes doing,how hes dealt with any issues. Still waiting on counscelling but that will probably be new year. He went out with his mates the other night..boys night..he took £20 (his money) and i said stay strong love, he said i will mum, i need to be able to do this…i said well love you are the only one at the end of the day who can. He texted me when he got in (wee small hours lol) and it said ‘ well i did it mum 🙂 ‘ I felt so pleased for him..hed shown himself he could go out ,have a drink and a good time and not gamble. I still feel a bit edgy when he goes out but thats ok. All his mates know what happened and not to lend to him..i was ery proud of him when he told them..it was hard for him. SO onwards and upwards in baby steps but with hope.
thank you for asking Velvet. I hope you and yours are well and looking forward to christmas .
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