- This topic has 70 replies, 11 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.
-
AuthorPosts
-
-
11 June 2014 at 6:06 am #25418jackwilsonParticipant
Hi, my name is Jack Wilson and I still have not been able to accept the fact that I’m a compulsive gambler despite a plethora of evidence to the contrary.
I have gambled on pretty much everything except for horses and slots. I have won and lost tens, if not, hundreds of thousands of dollars in my lifetime, yet I’m still unable to kick this insidious illness. This is my journey -
11 June 2014 at 10:40 am #25419DuncKeymaster
<
Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
-
11 June 2014 at 4:23 pm #25420jackwilsonParticipant
It took about 12 hours for me to feel the full impact. I’m devastated now. It’s hard for me to get out of bed and go to work knowing how much money i just lost. As I slept last night, I kept replaying how things would’ve been different if I had bet on this team instead of that team. The shame, guilt and regrets are eating me up inside.
I have gone through wins/losses of this magnitude at least 3-4 other times in my life and yet, I somehow always forget about the pain and devastation and gamble again. I hope this is different and this will be the last time. thank you for reading.
-
11 June 2014 at 7:40 pm #25421jackwilsonParticipant
I have not told anyone about my compulsive gambling problem. I’ve always had enough “control” and didn’t lose enough to let others know about my secret. compulsive gambling has caused me to go through a living hell over the past 15 years. I went to my first GA meeting at the age of 18 and now, 12 years later, I still have not stopped. I didn’t and still don’t feel safe in GA. I feel as if I’m an outsider, that my problems aren’t as bad as everyone else’s. I’ve never been to jail, stolen money. I have a great job. However, when I think about everything that has happened to me in the past 15 years, the emotional, financial and psychological damage that it has taken on me. I might be in worse shape than the people at GA.
I feel extremely blessed that I have money in the bank, my health, my future ahead of me and a wonderful and loving family. I have everything any man could ever ask for. Yet, despite having everything, I feel a tremendous sense of shame, guilt and regrets.
I regret that I have lost somewhere in the neighborhood of $200k betting on the stock market, poker, craps, blackjack, sports betting. More importantly, I have lost tens of thousands of hours in my life by not being present for those who I love the most. I have not focused on my career. I could be so much better at what I’m doing had I spent those 15,000 hours on my job. I have spent 10% of my time on this planet thinking about or gambling.
I am thankful for this website as it will provide me with an avenue to share my thoughts and feelings. I will also use it for support when the inevitable cravings return. It feels so overwhelming to restart as my last binge was from 2/22/12. This time, I won’t take anything for granted and will try to live life one day at a time. thank you.
-
12 June 2014 at 12:16 am #25422jackwilsonParticipant
Even as I’m sitting here at my desk, I’m thinking about the parlay bet that almost hit for $16,500. I’m thinking about all the money that I had three days ago. The money caused me to be irritable. I just wanted to use it to place more bets. Am I missing the money or missing the ability to place bets?
You are absolutely right. Nothing good has every come from gambling and there’s no point in thinking about the past. I can only control what I do today.
Today is the most important day.
-
12 June 2014 at 12:29 am #25423jackwilsonParticipant
The worst part is whether I gamble or not, but when I make a good suggestion and I don’t buy the stock myself. It’s like torture. In my mind, I’m thinking that I “lost money” since I could’ve invested and made money.
Today, I sold all the stocks I own so that I don’t compulsively check on the price anymore. Before, if the stocks went up, I would feel happy and if they went down, I would feel sad and irritable. I just want to live a happy life, without any regrets.
Would be great to hear the forum’s advice for someone in my position. thank you.
-
12 June 2014 at 3:17 am #25424jackwilsonParticipant
I’ve spent hours reading the posts today and they have been truly heartfelt but also make me more confuse about my own situation.
I have access to capital, and casinos don’t really get to me. I do get blindsided by things that I don’t view are gambling and then chasing. For example, stock investing. I keep thinking that it’s okay for me to make an investment because that’s my job and I’m good at it. Before you know it, I’m buying and selling 6 times a day. Then that leads to sports betting because I need the action.
Other than that, I think the need for excitement gets to me. I can’t just watch a ball game. I need to have some money riding on it to feel excited about the game. It sucks but that’s what has happened to me and sports. I can no longer watch sports to enjoy it now that I’ve lost the financial impact. i’m now addicted to this forum. I can’t help but keep posting. It’s an avenue for me to express my feelings, but I also hope it’s helpful for others who might be going through the same things.
-
12 June 2014 at 6:54 pm #25425velvetModerator
Hiya Jack
In my opinion it is possible and indeed preferable to be a financial adviser and not gamble. The people to whom you are recommending stock are not CGs, hopefully, so they can win and walk away and they can lose and not chase the loss. Through no fault of your own your mind is re-wired differently – you cannot gamble responsibly
The addiction to gamble is, by definition, an inability to walk away and sadly this is the way it is for you. Controlling that addiction takes courage and determination, both of which you have proved to yourself you have, in your years of sobriety. Complacency caught you unawares but your addiction has not defeated you – day 2 is a wonderful day when it is gamble-free.
You are indeed blessed to have your health, a future, money in the bank and a loving family but if you allow your addiction freedom to grow you could lose it all, so please stick with us Jack – join our groups, leave guilt and shame behind along with all the ‘what ifs’ and ‘ if onlys’.
I am from the Friends and Family forum but I often post here as I am blessed to know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result. Turn your bad experiences into something good – you can do it.
Velvet -
12 June 2014 at 9:32 pm #25426jackwilsonParticipant
I can’t thank you enough for your responses. I get a bolt of energy after reading your posts. It’s great to hear such wisdom, and from people who have gone through the process that there is hope for me, and that I’m always 1 bet from giving it all up.
I’d love to join a group here and participate in the chats, please let me know if we could schedule something. Sorry, I’m very much a noobie when it comes to GT. thanks again.
-
13 June 2014 at 4:33 am #25427jackwilsonParticipant
It has been 48 hours since my last bet, and maybe it’s placebo but I’m already starting to feel better. Some of the feelings of shame, regrets and guilt have dissipated. I feel sharp for the first time in 7 months (since 11/4/2013). It makes me wonder why I put myself through the torture all these years. I know that not every day will be like today, but today, I will enjoy a happy day.
One day at a time. That’s all I can do. I will try to post on here every day. Thank you all for reading. Thanks, Charles and Vera for the amazing support chat session.
One of the things I’d love to get people’s opinion on is sharing. I have a significant other who I love more than anything in the world. She doesn’t know about any of this. I haven’t gotten into enough trouble where anyone else knows about this. It’s been a secretive problem I’ve dealt with for 15 years. Talking about it certainly helps with the shame and guilt, but I also don’t want to change the way people view me (or how my SO views me–she is super anti-gambling). I would love to hear any story or insights about this topic from anyone. Thank you.
Please reach out to me if anyone is looking for a chat partner. I’m in US timezone so others might find it difficult.
-
13 June 2014 at 11:49 am #25428kathrynParticipant
Hey jack,
Thanks for your post. Someone said to me once, ‘our secrets keep us sick’. I believe that this is absolutely true. This addiction thrives on secrecy and lies. My best advice that I can give you is to get barriers up now! When the shock and disgust wears off that addiction is going to come at you stronger than ever and you need to protect yourself. I have always been honest about my addiction, I don’t advertise it but I’m not worried about telling someone if I want or need to. I think though that I’m in the minority. It has certainly made my life easier. So, in saying that, barriers aren’t always telling family, although their support can be invaluable…reducing access to money, ensuring you are unable to make those transactions could help. Finding this site saved my life….post and read here as often as you can. Use the groups if possible, you are not alone jack, and sometimes in the depth of despair that thought alone can help you make the right choice in that particular moment. No one can decide for you what you should do. The only one that can do the work is you but we are here holding your hand through it. I look forward to your next post, love K xx -
13 June 2014 at 5:41 pm #25429jackwilsonParticipant
Vera and Kathryn: I wholeheartedly agree that freedom sets us free. I live a life of secrets. GT has been truly wonderful in helping me express some of those secrets. I’m very grateful to have this forum.
I didn’t sleep well last night. I have some thoughts on waiting for a stock to drop so I can repurchase. I think that is what causing me to feel anxious this morning. My plan was to buy if it hits a certain price and then lock up my brokerage account so I can’t touch it. I will check prices and have my moods based on those prices. It’s good to get everything written down so that I am completely honest with myself. I cannot buy stocks.
Separately, I’m also dealing with porn/masturbation problems. I quit at the same time as gambling (3 days ago). A lot happening right now.
-
13 June 2014 at 6:40 pm #25430charlesModerator
Hi Jack,
It was good to meet you in the group yesterday.
My thoughts on sharing is that it’s important to do for several reasons.
Firstly, accountability. As you will have read in the forum and as discussed in the group last night barriers help. No money = no gambling, funny how really we all know that anyway from the times we lost our money and had none to gamble! If you can find someone you can be accountable to then that’s a big deterrent. It’s stil your money, you can still spend it on pretty much anything you want to do/buy – but if you gamble acountability means that you WILL be found out.
Then there is putting others minds at rest. Those around us might not know how big a problem we have. They might not even know what the problem is. Usually though they know that there is some sort of problem. It is pretty much impossible to completely hise our mood swings, our hights and lows so someone around us will know something is up.
Enabling. In the case of people who may on occasion borrow money/get bailed out of financial difficulties by family etc then it’s important they know about the problem so that that enabling can stop. If I was still getting bailed out by my family then i would probably still be gambling.
Using support. Not coming clean can actually harm our recovery by stopping/limiting our use of support. How can someone get to a GA meeting if someone they live with doesn’t know they have to be there? Thye would have to duck and dive, make excuses, lie etc etc Apart from anything else partners would likely suspect an affair!
Even using this site – what would your partner think if when she came inot the room you quickly switched windows on the PC? Closed it down etc? Again otehr suspicions might arise and of copurse it would make you les able to use support when you needed it?
I’m sure I can think of many otehr reasons but I think you will be getting the message.
Now then HOW to come clean. When we tell partners etc of the problem then we are of course presenting a problem. We don’t have to do just that though. When we come clean it makes it easier for all if we don’t only present the problem but also show what we are going to DO about it. You could show them this site, ask for help with barriers etc So, not just the problem but the start of the solution as well.
We talked about your occupation in the group last night but as you posted about it here i will answer that as well for the benefit of others in the same position who may be reading.
Honesty is required.
I know people who work in the gambling industry who have a successful recovery while still continuing to have successful careers.
I also know those who don’t find that possible, the constant reminders/temptations are too much for them. In that case a career change is pretty much essential for recovery. After all even with a drop in salary most of us would be better off that we would be with a higher salary but still gambling.
Using support. If those closest to us don’t know there is a problem
Other problems. It sounds like you have other issues you are dealing with, most of us do, in some form or other, when we stop gambling. My first advice would be to use the support that is out there for those issues as well. Secoundly my own personal opinion is that, whatever other issues we have, it is unlikely we will be able to address any of them, or sometimes even realise them, while we are still in action.
Anyway, thsi post is long enough now and the group is getting busy. Keep posting.
-
13 June 2014 at 10:47 pm #25431velvetModerator
Hi Jack
As I told you I am from the F&F forum and as such understand what it is to love a CG and to learn about the gambling addiction.
You believe you have kept your secret for 15 years – I didn’t know for 23 years. As determined as I was to ‘save’ him from I knew not what; he was determined to keep his secret. Those who love CGs do see a lot and they take a lot of pain before something snaps but given time, it is the behaviour, not the loss of money that does the damage. I suspect you are unaware of your significant others deep concerns.
Talking about your addiction does help you but your SO does not have that outlet and you cannot know what is going on in her head just as she is shut out of yours.
I cannot tell you what to do and I don’t do ‘what ifs’ or ‘if onlys’ because my experience is behind me and I can change nothing but I use it for reference and I believe it better for loved ones to know so that they can make informed choices.
I repeat I cannot tell you what to do and I am not suggesting you rush in and instantly off-load your secret to your SO before you are ready. I know it helps those who love CGs to know that their loved one has sought support, to know they are determined to change their lives and to see real evidence of a true recovery. I know how much a true recovery is worth in a relationship but I also know that none of us can be sure of when a true recovery starts.
Keep posting Jack, use every resource this site has got, have courage and determination to change your life, don’t compare yourself to other CGs but draw from their experience – every life is different.
One day at a time.
Velvet -
14 June 2014 at 6:57 pm #25432jackwilsonParticipant
First off, thank you Velvet and Charles for your incredibly thoughtful posts. I really appreciate it.
I just woke up from a terrible dream in which I was fully betting on sports again. It felt so real. The excitement, the irritability, the anxiety. What scares me was that it felt “normal”. I’ve gone through this before with my first recovery two years ago, so I’m familiar with my brain rebooting from the past 7 months of “gambling.” Now that I’m awake, I’m still petrified of making another bet and the consequences of it. Velvet hit the nail on the head when she said “it is the beavhiour, not the loss of money that does the damage.” During this last gambling binge, I actually MADE money, but my behaviour was destructive. My immune system has completely shut down from all the stress of gambling, causing me to be sick for most of the past 6 months.
With regard to sharing, I absolutely agree with Charles and Velvet 100%. The truth sets us free, creates accountability, stops enablers and provides support for my significant other. Despite all the successful stories and evidence to support sharing, I will be taking this secret with me to my grave. The shame, the guilt, the thought of having to deal with the responses would be too much to bear. It’s interesting that I can describe my life as perfect right now, if gambling is not involved. I honestly cannot ask for anything more, so I just need to keep the status quo by not gambling and essentially rewiring my brain to lead a normal and productive life.
With regard to my occupation, this is more of a grey area. As I’ve mentioned, I’m a financial adviser / stock trader. My job is to provide people with insights on when it is to to buy and sell stocks. I’m very good at my job and make very good money, and if I were able to heed my own advice, I would be quite rich. However, I haven’t been able to. Yesterday, I had a trigger when one of the stocks I’ve been following reached a price that I would recommend buying. I’ve been following this stock for almost a year and it’s always overvalued. I know with certainty that if I buy and keep the stock for 5 years, it will make money. The important thing is that I cannot look at the stock price or trade it. For me, checking the ticker causes the same adrenaline rush, anxiety, irritability as someone sitting at a slot machine or at the race track watching the horse. Historically, I can’t sit still and wait 5 years. I have to constantly check the price, sell it, buy it back and sell it again. The movement of the price is 100% correlated to my daily moods. I would feel crappy if it went down and happy if it goes up. Just like winning and losing in gambling.
I have to be completely honest with myself and decide if I can buy and hold for 5 years. That’s the only way this is going to work.I know in the compulsive gambling literature, there is no grey line when it comes to gambling. One lottery ticket, one bet, can be the end of it. This is why this situation is tricky for me. Like velvet said, it’s not about the money, so maybe it’s best not to touch stocks and make money from just my salary and not my investing.
Thank you for reading.
-
15 June 2014 at 4:56 am #25433lizbeth4Participant
Hi Jack, Keep posting and reading other’s posts. It has always helped me!! There are so many inspirational people here and alot of good advice. We are all together in this addiction. One day at a time.
-
15 June 2014 at 7:09 pm #25434jackwilsonParticipant
I’m starting to lose a bit of steam. I had dreams that I was sports betting last night. Not only that, I was dreaming that I was one of the players on the team and the team was doing really badly. Not sure what that means, but I definitely didn’t wake up well.
I feel a bit disconnected today and I haven’t been reading the forums as much. I guess I have to accept that not every day is going to be an exciting, high energy day.
The topic that I like to discuss is money. Money is a key trigger for me. Every time I have to manage money, there’s a sadness in me, probably bringing up subconscious thoughts of the money lost.
Just a short post today. I wanted write a quick line today. One day at a time.
-
15 June 2014 at 9:57 pm #25435jackwilsonParticipant
to the rest of the world, it looks like i have everything together. i really hate having to pretend that I’m not a compulsive gambler. I answered yes to 18 out of 20 questions. My mind is certainly not clear right now. It’ is very cluttered. I can sense the feelings of irritability. I’m not living in the moment. I think this dullness is what causes me to gamble.
It always start with thinking I know the outcome for one game and it’ll just be one bet. I usually win that bet and I start betting more and more. I have goals that I would stop once I reach them, but I would continue until I lose all my winnings. This pattern has happened more than 10 times in the past 15 years. The times between gambling binges have not been productive either. I would exhibit restlessness, uneasiness. I am now much more mindful of these feelings and GT is a great place for me to express my feelings.
thank you.
-
15 June 2014 at 10:13 pm #25436lizbeth4Participant
Hi Jack, You will be experiencing a lot of different emotions on the path of recovery. Irritability is a big one. GT is a great place to express your feelings. Keep on doing what you are doing!!! For myself, just admitting that I was a compulsive gambler was very hard. But you have already taken that first step. It has taken me awhile to figure out my triggers. It was easier for me to get control of my emotions once I was able to identify my triggers and work though the urges to gamble. Only my family and close friends know that I have a gambling problem. We never know from just looking at someone what is really going on in their live. We just see the outter layer of the person. Finding things to keep yourself occupied with when you are feeling urges has been very helpful to me. I find that if I can get through 15 mins of the urges, they subside and finally dissapte. It’s good to see you posting!
-
16 June 2014 at 6:09 pm #25437jackwilsonParticipant
I’m on day 6 in my recovery journey. So far so good. I’m still getting nightmares but I’m feeling happy. The support I’ve received on here has been amazing. I absolutely agree with the points lizbeth and vera made regarding urges and sharing. If someone I love has a major problem such as CG, then I’d love to hear about it, yet, I keep my CG a secret. Seems a bit irrational and illogical. But for me, this is where I am and this is what I need to deal with, only me.
I’ve read some great posts over the weekend, especially those written by danchaser from 8-9 months ago. Does anyone know if he’s still around? His entries really resonates with me because it seems like he went through the same sportsbetting and blackjack binges and urges. I sure hope he’s okay since I haven’t seen any posts for 6 months. He posted these three laws that I will incorporate into my life:
1) I have a gambling problem.
2) I can never gamble again, no matter what.
3) I will always lose in the end.I know #1. #2, I’m still thinking that I can purchase stocks and invest or the long term or play in a single poker tournament because the outcomes are isolated. It MUST be black and white! no grey areas. #3, despite ample evidence, I don’t think I still believe that #3 is a law. In the last binge, I actually made over $10k, despite losing $34k out of $44k winnings. However, I know that if I continue betting, then I will lose the rest. So I wonder if it was good for me to stop with my winnings because it’s a recipe for me to come back later.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
Thank you.
-
16 June 2014 at 11:35 pm #25438velvetModerator
Hi Jack
‘So I wonder if it was good for me to stop with my winnings’ is not a recipe for you to come back later.
You don’t have to follow a recipe for disaster in life Jack – you can chose another menu and make something that is healthy and palatable that won’t keep you awake at night sweating.
Look in the mirror and say those three laws out loud – that is a recipe for you not to go back.
One of my favourite alternatives to the Serenity Prayer is
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the thing that I can
And Wisdom to know it is me.Velvet
-
17 June 2014 at 1:19 am #25439jackwilsonParticipant
I have never won. That is a fact and a fundamental law. I will never win in gambling. Others might win, but I won’t. The sooner I accept this fact the happier I’ll be. For me, the biggest triggers are and source of my unhappiness are when I watch a sports game, and I “KNOW” the outcome, and if it’s right and I didn’t bet, I consider that to be a loss. Ditto for stocks. If I “KNOW” that a stock is going to do well but I don’t buy it, I consider that a loss. Funny how the mind works as I never really think that it’s a win when i “KNOW” the outcome and it turns out to be the opposite.
Understanding law #3 that I will always lose makes it easier to accept law #2.
to refresh:
1) I’m a CG
2) I can never gamble again
3) I will always lose -
17 June 2014 at 5:01 pm #25440jackwilsonParticipant
I know that it’s part of the recovery process that I will have some of these days when I’m not feeling the best. These are important days. I need to continue to believe that things will work out if I don’t gamble. The thoughts of winning are coming back into my head. The euphoric highs and the regrets of not quitting while I was up $44k, only a mere 10 days ago. It’s funny when I think back of gambling, I think back of the wins, the great memories, but the devastating loses are easily forgotten. I MUST NOT forget all the pain and torture this disease has caused me over the years. The tens of thousands of wasted hours.
I have to get through today. I have to be productive today. It’s going to be a challenge but no one said this was going to be easy.
I don’t have clarity of thought today and will just leave it at this. Thank you for reading.
-
17 June 2014 at 6:19 pm #25441stephtexasParticipant
Hi Jack, Just wanted to give you a virtual pat on the back for not gambling. I’m with you and just being kinda lazy here at work. I guess we need to change how we react to different feelings and emotions, and just try to find something to lift our spirits…maybe funny cat videos…just a thought.
-
18 June 2014 at 8:22 pm #25442jackwilsonParticipant
I feel great today. I started to feel better yesterday once I was mindful of what was going on and accepted it. Today, I have high energy and clarity of the mind. It really to show that if we could handle the bad days, there’ll be more good days in front of us.
I will cherish today, one day at a time.
-
19 June 2014 at 6:11 pm #25443jackwilsonParticipant
More of a nightmare. I dreamt that I was playing online blackjack and sports betting at the same time, completely disregarding my family and not being attentive. The dream felt so real. In the dream, I was winning large sums of money but I had some technical difficulty with the software and I was desperately trying everything in order to fix it so that I can get my fix on. I woke up extremely tired, but glad that my dream was just a dream.
This brings up an interesting point. I love the person who I am after a huge loss. Humble, compassionate, self-reflective. I’d feel real with none of the irritable and agitated behavior as if I’m free. Look back at my posts, I miss that feeling. There was a lot of shame, regret and guilt as well, but as those feelings left, the positive feelings are gone as well. Now, I feel like I’m back in the rat race of ramping up the irritability and coldness until the point where I can’t handle it anymore, and need to gamble in order to release it.
I just want to maintain the sweet, compassionate and warm me without having to go through hell to get there. One day at a time. I have to be mindful of my thoughts and feelings.
-
19 June 2014 at 7:14 pm #25444charlesModerator
Hi Jack,
You might get a few of those dreams. I certainly used to. They do gt less frequent though do remain as vivid.
I’m no expert but my own personal opinion is that dreams are a good thing. Gambling has been such a big part of our lives that it is bound to remain there in our subconscious, if the only way it can get out nowadays is in our dreams, as opposed to in reality, then I would say that’s agood thing! 🙂
-
20 June 2014 at 7:20 am #25445moniqueParticipant
Hello Jack
I agree with Charles. Quite a lot of work has been done on our dream life and, yes, I believe that they can be a good way of ‘working through’ certain things that are difficult, which we may have ‘buried’ in order to get on with the demands of daily (waking) life. This is perhaps one of the reasons it is important to get adequate sleep, too, for our overall well-being.
I don’t think it is necessary to try to ‘explain’ our dreams to ourselves in a logical kind of way, when we are awake, because they are dealing, as Charles says, with deep, inner stuff, which is anything but logical! On the other hand, some people find it useful to write down some dreams that they remember and to think a bit about why they might have had that dream on that night, what kind of feelings it aroused whilst dreaming and what kind of feelings it leaves the next day. If you are having any kind of counselling, it can sometimes be useful to discuss dreams (depending on how your counsellor works). If you write some of them down in a reserved notebook, for example, you can look back at them, too and note new things maybe.
All part of the learning process of life. Not something to get too ‘heavy’ about, but maybe interesting to think about a bit.Re the kind of person you want to be – it sounds like you need ways other than gambling that are good at releasing the tension and coldness that builds up. Do you know what else works/would work for you? Exercise, some forgotten hobby, a new interest? Another area to explore, perhaps.
All good wishes,
Monique
-
20 June 2014 at 8:09 pm #25446icandothisParticipant
Hi Jack, Thanks for posting on my thread. You make an interesting point about the positive feelings you have just after gambling. There is definitely a process of before, during and after with gambling. I read an article about how we seek pleasure and avoid pain. It said to list not only the things you hated about the habit you want to change, but also what you liked, and the purpose or benefit it served you. Once you pinpoint these things you can begin to seek the same benefit or achieve the desired emotions with healthier choices. …something like that. Keep up the good work. My husband and I are on our way to our cottage. Have a great weekend.
Yesterday, was a bad day for me. Called the credit card company and found out the damage I had done was worse than I thought. This would be the face-the-consequences-of-your-actions phase of the process!!! Which I really hate!!! -
22 June 2014 at 9:46 pm #25447jackwilsonParticipant
Thank you everyone for your support on this forum. I’ve been away for three days and things are going well. I’m in a much better place than I’ve been, emotionally.
I don’t have urges, per se, but I still think about gambling quite a bit. I especially think about 14 days ago when I had all that money in my account and what my life would be like today if I had the money. I also know that I’m a compulsive gambler, so it’s a logical fallacy for me to win money. I have to understand the simple truth that I CANNOT WIN and I CANNOT be happy if I gamble.
Posting on this forum helps. It’s been three days since I posted and I feel a little disconnected with my feelings. I’ve been through day 12 before, and this time, it’s actually easier because I know what to expect. For today, I want to be mindful of my addiction and be strong in my recovery.
Thank you.
-
23 June 2014 at 11:42 pm #25448jackwilsonParticipant
I woke up today feeling better than I have in many days. It has been a struggle recently, but I MUST understand that I cannot gamble anymore. I feel that a part of me still feels like I can gamble normally, but I need to make sure that I remember all the pain and misery from my addiction. I cannot gamble normally ever again.
Facts:
1) I cannot win. even when i win, i will give it back later
2) gambling makes me irritable and unhappy
3) because of 1 &2, I must accept that i am a compulsive gambler and can never gamble again -
25 June 2014 at 11:35 pm #25449jackwilsonParticipant
Compulsive gambling is not going to disappear. It’s something that I have to deal with for the rest of my life. When I think about the longevity of “rest of my life”, it seems like an eternity. That’s why I must think of this recovery as one day at a time. All I can do is to not gamble today.
I have to admit, the thoughts of gambling are stronger. I can’t believe it’s only been 15 days since that awful day and I’m thinking about depositing some money onto an online sportsbook to make a long shot parlay bet to win back all the money that I lost. This is INSANE! If I win, it’s not like I’m going to stop gambling, and my time will be filled with irritable and agitated thoughts if i have the money. Either way I LOSE, therefore I will not gamble.
-
25 June 2014 at 11:52 pm #25450icandothisParticipant
Hi Jack. Thank you for your post on my thread. It is good to see you continuing to post. So many start and then stop. I have made the mistake of looking to the future. It is too overwhelming. There are events coming up in my future that in the past, I have always chosen to gamble. If I think ahead, it can make me decide to gamble today because I know I can’t and won’t be strong in the future. I don’t know if that makes sense. But the long and short of it is that the only thing I can handle is not gambling today, and that is what I have to focus on. Glad that you made that choice today.
-
3 July 2014 at 3:59 am #25451jackwilsonParticipant
I have not been on here for a while due to a busy travel schedule, and things have been going well in real life. The urges are still there. I thought about depositing some money into my online gambling account today and make some bets but thought better of it. The pain, misery of this illness is fading–a good and bad thing. It’s good that I can lead a normal life. It’s bad that I have thoughts of “I’ll just win $50,000 and then quit. My life would be perfect then”. What I must realize is that I won’t stop if I win $50,000 and my life would be miserable if I lose $50,000.
One day at a time. I must persevere. Thank you
-
4 July 2014 at 2:56 pm #25452kathrynParticipant
Hi jack,
You need to get rid of that online gambling account ASAP!! Get rid of temptation, if it’s not there you can’t use it. You are right, no win is ever enough, if you won that money the addiction will be fed and want more, and more, and more. Get those barriers up, it is so important. Do it now before you forget the pain and think ‘ just 1 more bet’. Don’t give yourself the option. It truly eases the mind, takes some pressure off. Keep posting, it does work! Take care, K xxx -
4 July 2014 at 6:17 pm #25453charlesModerator
Hi Jack.
Kathryn is right of course; you are trying to stop gambling so why keep a gambling account open?
Forget “the rest of your life” do what ever you can to make it harder for you to act on an urge today.
Closing that account would be a good first step. In fact NO don’t just close it, ask them to close it AND to ban you. That way you can’t get tempted to reopen it. Maybe even get a blocker for your PC, that way you can’t open another gambling account with another online site.
Keep posting and hopefully I will see you in a group again soon.
-
7 July 2014 at 9:05 pm #25454jackwilsonParticipant
Kathryn and Charles, thank you for your messages. Unfortunately, I relapsed over the weekend. The outcome was positive but I feel a lot of the guilt. I know that just because I won I cannot gamble like normal people. I noticed that I put a tremendous amount of stress on body and my mind was consumed.
Regardless, I am thankful for this forum. I thought about not coming on here until I’m “clean” but it’s always good to put some of my thoughts down. It’s also great to go through my earlier posts from only a month ago.
I know that I’m a compulsive gambler and the path will lead to detrimental outcomes, so I will focus on one day at a time. Thank you.
-
8 July 2014 at 8:36 pm #25455jackwilsonParticipant
I’m not sure if the right thing to do is continue to post on here since I’ve continued gambling. Please tell me if that’s the case and I’ll stop.
I’ve gone back in the wild on 7/3, trying to desperately believe that THIS time will be different. I placed a fixed amount into my account and my plan was to stop if it ever reached zero. There was one point where it nearly did and I was ready to stop, but I ended up winning.
Here are the facts:
1) I have health issues
2) My thinking is cloudy. I can’t focus
3) Losing causes irritability and agitation (haven’t experienced this since I’ve been winning)
4) Loss of productivity
5) Loss of appetite and decreased fitness
6) Anti-social behavior. Anxiety when I have to interact with people -
9 July 2014 at 10:25 am #25456DuncKeymaster
Hi Jack
Gambling addiction is a learned behavior often built up over many years. If it was a simple as saying “I going to stop” then GA GT and other support services wouldn’t be needed.Taking into account that the addiction is built up from learning its only realistic that that we need to work on learning new ways of coping, new ways of living a positive and healthy lifestyle.
The best way to learn is to either study like mad but in all honesty is just reading books or web sites enough. Living and making mistakes and then learning from those mistakes is in my opinion a really important lesson in recovery.
So you’ve made mistake and gambled… what have you learned about You gambling and addiction that you can now address?
In short if you use this slip and learn from it.. it’s not a bad situation it’s just part of recovery. if anything you should be posting about the lessons you’ve learned and what your going to do in the future to stop the same issue happening again
One question. Gamblers are notoriously secretive. In the past if you’d been trying to stop and gambled would you have been so honest so quickly… or is you being honest an improvement in your behavior?
Harry
-
13 July 2014 at 6:52 pm #25457jackwilsonParticipant
Being honest is definitely an improvement in my behavior. I’m on day 10 of my current binge. I’m learning that although I’m doing well financially, I’m in a horrible place psychologically, emotionally and physically. I have a very good job but I spend most of my time gambling online and not focusing on my work.
I’m not in a good state right now.
-
14 July 2014 at 7:02 pm #25458jackwilsonParticipant
The chase. That’s the trademark characteristic of a compulsive gambler. I had desperately wanted to make back the money that I “lost” in the last binge. To refresh, I made $44K and then lost $34k before quitting with $10k in profits. I deposited $6k to my online betting account and over the next 5 days, got it back up to the same level as before, up $44k. Predictably, I lost back $20k, so now I’m up $24k. This is an incredible sum of money, yet, I feel devastated. I feel that I should’ve stopped once I won my money back.
With this feeling, I will never stop until ever last cent is gone. But then in my mind, I tell myself “if I had stopped, I wouldn’t be up this much in the first place.” During the binge, which started on 7/3 and lasts until today. I want there to be some finality but I have some money left on the site and I can’t withdraw it now. I have to make a bet and it will be a long shot bet.
Please help me. I am going insane.
-
16 July 2014 at 9:35 pm #25459jackwilsonParticipant
I’m certainly not in a good place. I’m not at the abyss where I normally start my “recovery”, but I’m not well enough to be a productive member of society. I’m stuck in this “zombie” territory where I go through the motions of the day without doing anything of value or substance. I would spend hours needlessly reading things on the computer and ignore all my real responsibilities.
I still have the urge to bet because I still have money available to bet from my winnings. They are dwindling but they are still there. Like I said before, gambling is a terrible, terrible illness that eats me from the inside out. I want to stop without reaching rock bottom. Part of me wants to get back to the top, but I actually DID that and I still couldn’t quit because no win is ever big enough.
I desperately don’t want to go back to rock bottom, but part of me wants to do so in order to recover. Please help me.
-
16 July 2014 at 10:58 pm #25460icandothisParticipant
JackWilson, Only you can stop this madness. Please stop and take stock of what it is you really want and desire and what really matters to you. You have a good job, so the money will come. Patience is not a virtue that comes to us CG’s naturally, but it serves us well if we can practice it. All good things will flow to you JackWilson…all in good time, all in good time!
-
17 July 2014 at 9:31 pm #25461jackwilsonParticipant
Thank you everyone for your your notes and encouragement. Today is the same day. I’m not eating. I’m not thinking. I’m not working. I’m just there. I’m on day 14 of the binge. I feel incredibly guilty posting on GT because it’s a community for those who are in recovery. I’m not in recovery, but I also don’t know where to go either.
The rational side of me is telling me to stop. All this will end once I stop. However, the irrational and compulsive side has outlined a plan to get to X dollars or zero. It’s binary. Honestly, I don’t care whether it’s at x or zero. I just want to reach one of those milestones so that I can recover and be sane again. Right now, I am insane.
-
18 July 2014 at 2:35 am #25462AnonymousGuest
Hi Jack we are all insane when we are in the grip of our addiction. I hope you take out some of the money . After I have lost the lot I always think why did I not take out some of it? I could have gambled again in a week if I wanted. It did not have to be right now. I think maybe your brain deserves a rest. You can always go back to it but maybe its a good idea to withdraw right now!!! You can deposit again . It does not have to happen right now!,When we get stuck in the cycle all kinds of nonsense goes through our head like if I withdraw they will know and I won’t win again. The ‘they’ being some company with thousands like us throwing them our money at any time. I have been in that cycle too often Jack. It is not nice when it hits zero. Cash out now!!!
-
19 July 2014 at 7:14 pm #25463AnonymousGuest
Jack meant to say. My understanding is that this site is for people who struggle with gambling addiction (and their family and friends) not just for those is recovery so please post all you can!! Becoming addicted to this site is a healthier addiction. Sometimes we feel able to post on other people’s threads. Sometimes we just need the support.. But please keep posting either way!!
-
20 July 2014 at 4:04 am #25464jackwilsonParticipant
I’ve finally lost everything. It’s sickening. I lost $30,500 over the past 2 weeks. I feel numb. I feel stupid for not quitting while I was ahead. I feel incredibly sad. I saw all this coming as well, but I was incapable of stopping. I have an addictive personality disorder and there are no good places for me to go unless I figure all this out.
The past two weeks have been the most exhilarating and stressful two weeks of my life. I had incredible wins and heartbreak losses. All in all, my life is still good, and I’m not at the abyss yet. But I feel like absolute death. My health is gone. My happiness is gone. My body has deteriorated to a place where I don’t recognize it anymore. I’ve lost nearly 10 pounds during this rampage.
-
20 July 2014 at 5:14 am #25465jackwilsonParticipant
I’m in absolutely hell right now. I never want to forget this moment. Worse than losing the money is the amount of time I’ve lost with my loved ones. I haven’t been present. I’ve been agitated. I’ve been a complete a-hole. What really scares me is that I’m not humble. Usually before, when I get to this state, I would be incredibly humble but now, I’m full of regret. Why didn’t I bet this game instead of that game. Why didn’t I withdraw.
If there is a greater power up there, I can really use your help now. I have a future, a life ahead of me and I haven’t been able to fill my potential because of this insidious illness over the past 15 years.
I need help.
-
20 July 2014 at 5:54 pm #25466jackwilsonParticipant
Yes, the one thing I could’ve done was to not deposit money into my sports betting account in the first place.
I’m not in a good state right now. Usually after a binge, I would swear off gambling forever and start the recovery process. This is not the case now. I am still upset at the “wrong” bets I made. I “KNEW” what the right bets were but didn’t have the patience or discipline to wait for the later games to bet on. I know all this is not constructive. Had I won the bets yesterday, I would still be betting today, and tomorrow and the next day until I get to this point.
My family life is in shambles. I’m lucky to have a job at work because all I did over the past 2 months is gamble. I need serious help. Miraculously, no one knows about my problems. No one knows about any of my issues. I have to pretend that everything is okay. I don’t have a financial problem. I have an emotional problem.
This forum is all that I’ve got. I can’t go to GA in fear that someone might recognize me. I can’t talk to anyone in my life because no one knows about my problems. I’m a skeleton right now. A shell of who I once was. All I have is one day at a time, and my last bet was 7/19/2014.
-
20 July 2014 at 6:25 pm #25467AnonymousGuest
HI Jack, so sorry you are feeling so low. This addiction is so horrible. I understand how you feel about GA . I am the same . I would die if anyone knew. You are not in such a bad place jack you are still financially ok. I know it’s horrible to think about the lost money, but perhaps if you focus instead on how quickly you can get it back through work. You can make up the time with your family. All is not lost …only some money!!. I struggle myself so much that I get it. Go and have some family time. It will help you feel better about things,! As for the money. Just let it go!!
-
20 July 2014 at 11:37 pm #25468jackwilsonParticipant
I’m trying to find the silver lining. During the last two months, I didn’t actually lose money. Just didn’t win as much as I like. Had I won, I wouldn’t have stopped. I looked at some of the posts from two weeks ago. I COULD NOT stop. At the time, I felt like “everything was under control” even though my entire life was turning upside down.
I paid $30,000 to get my life back. I must never forget that I cannot gamble like a normal person ever again. It is the one thing that I have not accepted. It is also the one thing that I must accept in order to change. I need to accept that I’m a compulsive gambler. There is no allure or sexiness to gambling. I have enough to worry about without gambling so there is no point in thinking about gambling now.
Sorry for the rant. I feel better now.
-
20 July 2014 at 11:37 pm #25469jackwilsonParticipant
I’m trying to find the silver lining. During the last two months, I didn’t actually lose money. Just didn’t win as much as I like. Had I won, I wouldn’t have stopped. I looked at some of the posts from two weeks ago. I COULD NOT stop. At the time, I felt like “everything was under control” even though my entire life was turning upside down.
I paid $30,000 to get my life back. I must never forget that I cannot gamble like a normal person ever again. It is the one thing that I have not accepted. It is also the one thing that I must accept in order to change. I need to accept that I’m a compulsive gambler. There is no allure or sexiness to gambling. I have enough to worry about without gambling so there is no point in thinking about gambling now.
Sorry for the rant. I feel better now.
-
21 July 2014 at 5:46 pm #25470charlesModerator
I’d say it’s up to you whether there is a silver lining here. If you use this latest binge and the pain you feel now as a motivator to take some actions then that would be a silver lining.
What actions can you take?
Cancel that online account?
Make yourself truly accountable for your money?
Restrict your access to gambling funds?
Get to a GA meeting?Something I either heard at a meeting or read here in the past – the advice we don’t want to hear is often the best advice. That’s because our addiction will give us lots of “reasons” why we shouldn’t do something,; it doesn’t want us to take the actiosn that might make it ahrder for it to get it’s fix.
“I can’t go to GA in fear that someone might recognize me. I can’t talk to anyone in my life because no one knows about my problems. ”
Who do you know who goes to GA? My guess is no one. That’s because it is what’s said on the tin – anonymous. Besides, anyone you did see there would be in the same boat as you are.
No one knows you have a problem? Well maybe that’s partly because you haven’t spoken to them? Bit of a revolving argument there maybe? Also here is a thought for you:
“I’ve been agitated. I’ve been a complete a-hole. ”
Given that statement do you really think people around you don’t know there is a problem of some kind?
It’s an old statement – actions speak louder than words. it’s certainly true with this addiction. None of us can change the date of our next bet, what actions are you prepared to take to make your next one less likely?
keep posting and hopefully I will see you in a group again soon.
-
26 July 2014 at 3:00 am #25471jackwilsonParticipant
I am a binge gambler and the pattern is very specific. I have gone through this at least a hundred times, yet, I have not learned my lesson.
1) Don’t gamble for anywhere between 1mo-2yrs
2) Have a “feeling” about a game. I bet on this game and 90%+ of the time, I win. If I lose, I would just stop and swear off gambling again.
3) The binge would be driven by the “win”. At this point, I’m still gambling rationally. Gambling is the only thing I care about in my life. Not my work, not my family, not my friends.
4) I would attempt to stop mid-binge with a substantial sum of money, but this action creates immeasurable irritability and stress. Forcing me to continue gambling until…
5) I’m no longer gambling rationally. I’d gamble recklessly, often making very poor decisions and the only thing that would allow me to stop is to lose all the money
6) I LOSE. Everything. The first few days, I get a tremendous sense of relief. I get my life back together. I’d go to GA, read about CG literature.
7) After a few days to a few weeks, the irritability kicks in. I dream about gambling. I suppress it until it can no longer be suppress it anymore, and I start back to #1.The toughest part for me is that I feel like I’m a good gambler “as long as I follow my system and gamble” under control. And when I get to step 7, I tell myself “it’s just profits you lost.” I actually lost something that’s way more important than money, and that’s time and my health. Gambling destroys me physically, emotionally and psychologically. I don’t want to stop as much as I want to gamble under control. This statement in of itself is illogical. It’s like telling someone who’s an alcoholic to just “drink under control”.
I MUST adhere to these 3 rules:
1) I can never gamble again
2) I can never win
3) gambling causes severe pain and hardships -
26 July 2014 at 11:51 am #25472adriantexParticipant
Hi Jack
I’m a gambler, roulette is one of my favourite games, but I like to gamble on sports also. I have started 5 yrs ago, going into a casino with some friends, at first didn’t understand the game, but I felt the urge to demonstrate my abillities, and gambled 100 $. Call it begginers luck, but I doubled my money. From there all my problems began to appear. I have lost more than 450k, gamble from roulette to poker and sports, asking myself why? I think gamblers have in common the need to feel appreciated, we want to show other people we can win at something people say it’s impossible to win. We continue to gamble not for winning back the money we lost, but because we cannot accept we lost this “battle” with ourselves. Most of the people who develop gambling addiction are intelligent and succesfull, why is that? Because if you never give up on anything in your life how can you give up on gambling and admit you lost? I hadn’t gambled for almost 2 years and then started from placing a bet of 10€. Just let it go, admit you are not a lucky person, maybe you’re just smart and that’s it. Last year after loosing a huge amount of money I tried to comit suicide, because I didn’t think I can handle the shame, the blame and having let the people close to me down. But I didn’t, and I forgot that, and gambled again since I met someone in my situation, I met the guy in a casino, he was drunk, he said that was his first time he drank something in that casino though he lost his home, car and almost 750k. He sent texts to his friends and family that he’s going to comit suicide, and he’s sorry for all the things he’d done. He’s alive right now and working on his addiction. I don’t have any other addiction, though I smoke ar parties have a drink from time to time, so as someone with no other vices how can I have this? I think it’s foolish, and it’s something we can deal with. I wanted to say you’re not insane, and it’s normal to be this hard. But you can do this, all of us can! God bless you all!
-
27 July 2014 at 3:07 am #25473jackwilsonParticipant
Every day, I say that I’m going to stop and start a new life. Every day, I find a reason to deposit more money into the online bank account. My rationale is that “I am still playing with profits”. Today, I’m down to my last $1000 in profits. I make long shots hoping that I would hit–it never does. I think about, “hey, i’ve been in this exact situation before and I managed to make tens of thousands of dollars”. It’s a stupid thought. I lose, I come on here, I read, I feel better and tomorrow, it starts again. I’m waiting for some money to come through next week and I plan on betting on one game. I want to stop, desperately, but the money is already on route to the site and there’s nothing I can do to undo it.
What makes everything so dang difficult is that I lose when I bet, and on the bets that i want to make, but don’t yet have the money in the account to do so, I’d win. As a result, I believe that I’m getting tortured to quit. I want to quit so desperately, but I also want to make back the money that i lost. This all is going to end very badly…
-
27 July 2014 at 5:28 am #25474jackwilsonParticipant
I lose on games that I bet on and I win on “hypothetical” bets. The only thing that’s worst that losing money is the feeling I am experience right now…missing out on winning money.
THIS is the reason why I haven’t been able to stop. My thought process that “hey, I figured out the right plays, I’ll just bet on it next time”. This DOES NOT WORK. It doesn’t work because the same long shot situation won’t come around next time. I missed out on an $18,000 bet tonight. And that is killing me inside. It hurts more than losing $18,000. If I had lost $18,000, I would want to stop. Now this has the opposite effect. I want to keep gambling because it was so close to my grips. I’ve never gambled on slots, but this is probably the reason why people come back. It’s because they were so close to the jackpot. I just have to view this as a mirage.
There’s nothing I can do about it now. Even if I win the $18,000 tonight, I’ll lose it back. Guarantee 100% I will lose it back. At least now, I know that I would like to stop.
-
27 July 2014 at 1:15 pm #25475AnonymousGuest
Yes Jack. You’ be hit the nail on the head. What makes us compulsive gamblers is that even when we win, no matter how big , we always gamble it all back, and then more chasing after it. That’s what we do. That’s why we are called addicts. I have a fear for you. You have obviously made a lot of money in life. You can afford to gamble big amounts.unfortunately you will lose quicker. This disease is progressive. You will want to gamble bigger and bigger amounts. Sure you might get a big win along the way and it will sustain you for a while but in the end everything will go unless you stop now. I was always too proud to go to GA. I only recently realised that if I do go to GA I might well have a life I can be proud of. Not one that is filled with secret stress , worry, sickening lows and panics. Go somewhere Jack and get help. Whether it is a counsellor, GA , church. Go somewhere while you still have your great life. It will all go. 18000 is not that much to win, when you consider it is just 18 one thousand dollar bets. Get a reality check . Do the maths!! You are smart. Us CGs think we are special. That those wins are waiting there for us. Anybody in the world could put the bet on and win. Anybody could lose. I am being very direct Jack because unlike a lot if us on here, you still can turn your life around. You can stop and yes you will be a little poorer and wiser, but you still have that great life. I am not so sure you will in a year’s time if you gamble at this rate!! Look at all around you. Now think of it all gone!! Please please stop today.!!
-
27 July 2014 at 3:13 pm #25476velvetModerator
Hi Jack
‘If you had lost $18000 dollars you would want to stop and because you didn’t you are feeling it has the opposite effect’ is a massive excuse Jack and it doesn’t hold up to scrutiny.
If you analyse enough you will eventually come up with the answer your addiction wants to hear but that is not the right answer for the person that is you. You are not missing out on winning money because you will only lose it anyway but when you deny your addiction you lay down the foundation for winning the biggest prize of all – a life with you in control.
You feel bad today but nobody has ever said that controlling your addiction was going to be easy.
Keep climbing out of the abyss Jack and don’t look back on what might have been.
I echo Sad’s plea ‘please stop today’.
Velvet -
27 July 2014 at 8:51 pm #25477jackwilsonParticipant
Sad, Velvet, Vera. You are all correct and I appreciate the tough love. I just want to highlight two particular lines:
“when you deny your addiction you lay down the foundation for winning the biggest prize of all – a life with you in control.”
“my need to gamble is far greater than my need to win money.”
It is not about the money. I was miserable when I was winning (all I have to do is scroll up to the posts from three weeks ago when I was up $43,500), and I’m miserable now after I’ve lost it all back. I lose sight of the fact that I’m a blessed human being. I regret about the past 15 years of gambling. I stay awake thinking about everything I could have achieved if I didn’t gamble. I think about all the people who I deeply care for but have been delinquent to. I think about my last recovery, and how far I’ve come and how far I’ve regressed now.
If I’m completely honest, the gradual decline and losses have really wrecked havoc on my psyche. When I joined this site on June 10th, I had lost $32,000 in two days. I was devastated, drained and sick at the sight of a sports score or the thought of gambling. I was in a much better place. Now, the losses have dripped in on a daily basis, and I CANNOT mentally start the recovery process despite knowing that it is the logical thing to do.
My fear is that 15 years from now, I look back and say “why didn’t I stop 15 years ago?” Essentially, this is what happened to me. I joined GA 10 years ago. I wanted to stop gambling 10 years ago, instead, I endured 10 more years of hell. Relatively speaking, I’m 30 years old, I still have the rest of my life in front of me. Things can improve, but it MUST START with not gambling. Even as I write these words, I’m thinking about the Wednesday. That’s the day when my $5,000 wire clears and I plan on making one final bet. I wish I could undo that wire. I want to start my recovery now, but that is a huge overhang. I’m very sick in the head, and I need help. I can’t live life like this. I don’t have access to GA, so this forum is all that I’ve got. I have no one else to talk to.
-
28 July 2014 at 1:55 am #25478AnonymousGuest
Cash out the money once it is through. U can wire more. It gives you time,”
-
28 July 2014 at 5:09 pm #25479charlesModerator
Hi Jack
“At least now, I know that I would like to stop.”
The most important word there is NOW. At this moment, now, you don’t want to gamble, at this moment, now, you want to stop.
We both know though that the pain will fade, the urges will return. So NOW is also the time you need to put things in place, barriers, support, accountability. What things can you do, now?
-
29 July 2014 at 8:03 pm #25480jackwilsonParticipant
Thank you GT for all your help and support. I’m still in a very dark place right now. The only thing that’s filling my mind is the $5000 wire that will come through to my online sports betting account tomorrow and what I’m going to do with it. I want to very much cash out. It’s a central source of my anxiety and stress.
-
29 July 2014 at 10:38 pm #25481icandothisParticipant
Jack and Vera, A light bulb just went off in my head.
“Pre-gambling stress is the worst type, Jack”
That is exactly what I am going through now and have in the past. The opportunity is there in the future and I know I have no power to resist (at least that is what I believe). Part of me obsesses about the opportunity…looking forward to it. Part of me dreading it, knowing I do not have the power within to resist. That is what happened to me on the 4th of July weekend. The opportunity presented itself. I realize I have done this in the past. Thinking about an opportunity in the future where I know I cannot resist and even gambling that same day because I fear a future failure. Those are the times when I don’t post because I know I am going to gamble again and am planning to do so and even looking forward to it. I think because I am doing this, I am a phony, and I shouldn’t post about not gambling today, when I will in the future. PRE-GAMBLING STRESS AT ITS WORST!
There is a way out. We can alleviate the stress. You can do something else with that 5,000 before you have the opportunity to gamble with it. I can do something with the $400 I have in my drawer before I leave alone to the cottage. I do not have to drive by myself to the cottage. My biggest barrier is being with my husband…not such a hardship.
I still believe that someday I will hit it big at something…whatever it is, it will happen because it was meant to happen…and it will happen because it feels right. The stress and anxiety you are feeling right now about money you don’t even have yet speaks volumes. The Universe wants to give you an abundant life, Jack. I don’t think $5,000 or $42,000 or $30,000 or being $24,000 ahead is what the Universe considers abundance. There is so much more for you to enjoy! There has to be something you enjoy doing that doesn’t cause you stress and anxiety. Look around! -
30 July 2014 at 11:54 am #25482AnonymousGuest
HI Jack. Just wondering how it went with the five grand ….?
-
31 July 2014 at 12:37 am #25483jackwilsonParticipant
Once again, I couldn’t help myself and made a bunch of stupid bets with the $5,000 instead of the bet I wanted to make (which would’ve won). Predictably, I lost, that’s everything. I’m in hell right now. I’ve been in hell. I feel numb. Writing on here used to provide me with relief. That is no longer the case today. I just want to crawl into a hole and not talk to anyone or do anything.
-
31 July 2014 at 1:01 am #25484AnonymousGuest
Hi Jack. I just missed you in chat!! I was writing “poetry”. It’s not so bad. We’ve all been there. You can put it behind you and move on!!
-
31 July 2014 at 2:15 am #25485AnonymousGuest
missed you again by 13 seconds Jack. I am copying what I wrote there for you incase you missed it.(02:07:56) sad68: Jack. I need to go to bed. In the morning (uk time) you can access one to one support through the helpline and after that there is a support group at three pm (uk time).
(02:08:17) sad68: things are not as bad as they seem right now. You have a problem which you have identified.
(02:08:22) sad68: you have lost some money
(02:08:26) sad68: it is gone.
(02:08:45) sad68: If you can let it go and forget about it you are on your way to recovery and a great life.
(02:12:52) sad68: If you chase it you will continue in your life of compulsive gambling. You can get out now. Close that account and self bar. Put a gambling block like gamblock on your personal computer. Ring the bank. Say you lost your credit card and put the new one in your wives name and give it to her. She need not know why except you think she should control the family money once you earn it…. You have done step one the biggest step.. You have admitted you have a problem. Good luck Jack. It’s not so bad as you think right now. Putting space between you and your last gamble will help you see that. Just pretend you worked a year less than you have and there’s the money accounted for!!! -
31 July 2014 at 3:10 am #25486AnonymousGuest
Hi Jack! I just read your thread. I am sorry you are living this hell! I understand all to well. I remember sitting In a GA meeting 15 years ago give or take. Than again 10 years ago and again in 2009. I just recently came back to this site. I can make it months without gambling at times but when I do it always turns into a nightmare. I get paid tomorrow. All I thought about for the last couple days is “I will just go win a little” I have to be completely insane. Even if I win, eventually I will loose it back and than some. 20 plus years and a few million dollars later. What the hell is wrong with me?? Funny thing I could care less about the money but I would give anything to have the time back. I have been so blessed yet I throw it all away! I am so glad I read this thread. I had every intention on gambling ” for a little while” tomorrow. Than quiting. Screw that! I have better things to do with my time and money. I am digging out for the last time not further in. I understand now the anxiety and irratability I have felt the last few days . “Pre gambling stress!! “. Even as I write this, I know damm well it’s not going to be easy. I hope you feel better soon. I’ve looked for that “rock to crawl under” hundreds of times” .
-
31 July 2014 at 6:10 am #25487jackwilsonParticipant
Thank you for the great notes, everyone. Last bet: 7/30/14. I will forever remember this date. Yes, it is money I’ve lost. I know in a few days I’m going to feel like crap, but right now, I just need to live one day at a time.
-
31 July 2014 at 11:35 am #25488AnonymousGuest
Yes Jack. You will have highs and lows. You will have urges and sometimes they will drive you crazy. You need to understand that your winning days are over. Once you cross that line and become a compulsive gambler you no longer win, because gambling feeds the addiction , and it all goes back in the long run. Perhaps you become too impatient to wait for a ‘good’ bet, perhaps you become more reckless. It’s because the compulsive gambler mind just wants to stay in the action for as long as possible. It no longer becomes about the win..it becomes about staying in. That’s why so many compulsive gamblers feel low even if they win!! Steer clear and you will be amazed how quickly things feel normal again. In fact I find in recovery life is better than before because you really appreciate everything you came so close to losing!!!
-
-
AuthorPosts
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.