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    • #9007
      p
      Participant

      Dear friends
      I have missed you all. The river of denial is drying up for me. The pain is too much to put into words. Maybe one day i can explain what ive been through but for now i will just say. Im back.
      Your long lost friend…. P

    • #9008
      desdemona
      Participant

      Dear (((P)))! So happy to see that you’re back!!! Gambling is not a way to live as all it produces is pain! Just keep doing the best you can and ***** every single gamble free day as a victory. I don’t ***** days as you probably know as some days just getting through the day without gambling is enough pressure for me. You can do this. Progress not perfection! Carole 

    • #9009
      trulyshi
      Participant

      The only thing that matters is that you keep coming back.  You have been missed.  Debbie

    • #9010
      vera
      Participant

      Prayers answered again, P!
      You are in my thoughts and prayers everyday. I sensed things weren’t going well for you.
      Never give up coming back here!
      Today is all that matters!

    • #9011
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Hi P .the pain That we cause ourselves seems to hurt even more than pain that is imposed upon us. Hang in there.. And keep posting

    • #9012
      p
      Participant

      Thank you for your posts my friends it is so good to read here again and to post. I have been away for some time. You were all missed. I still thought of you all though. This is going to be tough, its not easy, it hurts… it will pass though, i just hang on to that hope.
      P

    • #9013
      p
      Participant

      Hi again friends
      I am definately paying for what i have done. It is hard and it is going to be hard. I believe that this amount of madness is actually going to eventually be beneficial to me. Trying to look at the positive because the reality is its a very negative situation that i have to face. Small steps and small progress has been made though in actually a very small amount of time. Though the relapse was recent and it was beyond words even. I cant even begin to say it. I am doing counselling and meetings, straight on to it. My counsellor made me feel sane for a minute. In those moments i was ok. I caught a glimpse of hope. I have fought this addiction long enough. I no longer fight. I totally surrender.
      P

    • #9014
      cat438
      Participant

      (((P))) welcome back sweat P!!!! You have been missed around here.  You are back where you belong among others who understand the challenges this addiction causes.  Your last comment of your post really stood out to me "I have fought this addiction long enough.  I no longer fight.  I totally surrender."  We do fight the addiction because we want to be able to gamble like other people who don’t have the addiction.  I know that if I start thinking those thoughts then I am lost.  I have to keep telling myself that I am powerless over this addiction.  I don’t know the person that I become when I start on those machines because the addiction takes over!!!!  Progress not perfection and always remember the gamble free time that you have achieved by coming here.  Keep posting and grabbing all the support that  you can to help you get through the day or hour or minute, whatever it takes.  There is always hope and never ever ever give up!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

    • #9015
      p
      Participant

      Thanks cat and all who have posted to me
      Its late, i cant sleep so i was happy to log in and see a chat available. Its funny how i have hesitated in chatting and opening up. I think i can solve everything, that i can figure things out. I went on chat, Harry had a way of helping me see triggers after my just on six months clean i relapsed, i thought there was no trigger, but Harry helped me find it. I can see now that it was there as plain as day as the week before i hadnt been able to sleep worrying about the future, things beyond my control. I also received something at just the right moment, i was pretty much in despair, and a little coincedence happened. Well, maybe not a coincidence hey. I was losing hope lately but i have had help from my friends across the seas. I have gone back to counselling, I am going to meetings, i am trying my hardest to put one foot in front of the other. In future i am going to share my concerns with people. I will talk more and not be so closed. I need to do this to help myself. I have to try different things, I have to find a way. I dont want to gamble again. I really want to have a life and i promise myself i never never want to go through what i just have. It has been almost unbearable. Im trying to find positives. Im desperate to help myself and im doing things to make that a reality.
      P

    • #9016
      desdemona
      Participant

      Dear (((P)))! If you’re breathing there is always hope. Just think what an inspiration you are to so many of us that you do keep coming back, even if it takes you some time to do so. For me, I find that loneliness and lots of spare time are my worse enemies. Maybe you could befriend someone at your meetings, who you could have coffee with. Are you going to do volunteer work like you were before? It’s too easy to sit at home with only the prospect of watching TV, reading, cleaning, or getting on the computer to trigger urges to gamble. Most of us will probably never find activities that are as "enjoyable" as zoning out gambling, but we need to replace the time we spent gambling and thinking about gambling with "normal" activities. Counselling and meetings are great things to be doing but they are not what I would consider "fun." I think of you often. Had a cup of English Toffee coffee last night and of course thought of you. Carole

    • #9017
      p
      Participant

      Hi Carole
      Thanks for your post. I am trying to put structure into my days. Its something that my counsellor really recommends too. It does help me, i manage so much better with structure. Otherwise i float along in any direction not knowing what i am doing. Writing things down does help me. I bought a diary to keep things in order and so i can follow a definite plan for the days. I will stick to it as best i can as i have become quite undisciplined. I am putting recovery first, i know i need some more fun but there will be no fun if i dont have recovery. It has to come above anything and it will. I am so desperate for change that i am catapulting myself into recovery as of a few days ago. Fun things will be in there somehow but for now i just do the next thing that keeps me safe. I am a movie lover, my treat will be going to the movies with a giant popcorn. It has been my fave thing to do since i was a child. There is plenty i will be able to do but first structure and paying things off. Family first, then me if theres any left over. Thats just the way i do it. I got myself into this crazy hole and i will get myself out, but not alone, that is one big mistake i have always made. I alone got myself here, no one made me, it wasnt anyone elses fault i did the damage. I cant get out by myself though i most definately need support. In time things will settle, but right now, as positive as i am trying to be, i am finding it very difficult to cope and get through the minutes. I just cant wait for this to pass.
      P

    • #9018
      Anonymous
      Guest

      "A stonecutter may strike a rock ninety nine ***** with no apparent effect, not even a crack on the surface.  Yet with the hundreth blow, the rock splits in two.  It was not the final blow that did the trick, but all that had gone before.
      When we work on ourselves to change who we are, we some***** get discouraged because we can’t see anything happening, everything still looks the same as yesterday. We have to remember that recovery is a process not an event and every time we do the next right thing we are affecting change inside ourselves even when it still looks the same on the outside.
      Then all of a sudden at one moment we will be able to look back and say wow “this is a different rock” there was change here, but its not that final blow that did it, its the constant perseverance in recovery despite our falls and slips that does it."   Posted on the website Spiritualcondition.com under the title Recovery Is A Process Not An Event.
      I read this tonight P and I thought of you and I … and our jagged recovery process.  I really liked this passage.
      RG
       

    • #9019
      p
      Participant

      Wow i love this RG, i love it. I hope you are doing really well today. Its going to take a sloooooow process for me to get well this time but its happening, its started. No going back
      P

    • #9020
      p
      Participant

      I dont think i have ever felt so tired. I am having so much trouble moving at all. I have to do what i have heard and **** it till i make it. I have to just keep going and moving through the minutes and hours and just keep on doing what i have to do till i start to feel semi normal again. Ugh this is going to take some time. You make your bed you *** in it. I know i just have to do it. Doesn’t make it any easier though. Suffering from **** swings, social anxiety, and just plain exhaustion at the moment. I feel like i am in concrete and cannot move
      P

    • #9021
      cat438
      Participant

      (((P))) I just noticed I put "sweat" when I meant "sweet" earlier.  I am thinking of the flower "Sweet P" when I am saying that to you.  I am so happy that you are back.  You are such a large part of the recovery train here at GT and missed when you are not posting.  I often think of Pumpkin and wonder how she is.  I hate this addiction and what it has done to so many peoples.  It is over two years that I started recovery on this site and I remember at the beginning spending lots of time on chats with you and Pumpkin.  P take all the support that you can.  I am back at counseling again.  I was recognizing that I was having emotional issues and that is a huge trigger for me and I knew if I did not do anything I would be sitting in front of a machine again.  I find just sitting talking to someone makes a huge difference.  Wishing you a "happy gamble free day"!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

    • #9022
      p
      Participant

      Thanks Cat, i did see that i know you meant sweet hehe.. well i am here with the consequences. Wading through the mud that ive created. I find it hard to believe it. I am in a fog and it is hard to get through the day. I am in emotional agony but i have to hide it from the world but i can be real here and at GA and at my counselling sessions. I put on a face to minimise the affect on others. **** it till you make it has gotta be better than being how i really am at this point. So to the outside i seem ok, Inside my heart is broken and i am crying. I feel unsupported and i feel alone. First time i have felt like this. I know i have support here and GA but i feel alone. I know this will get better. I have created this experience. I can create better days. Its just getting through the now that is the challenge. My head is crazy but i am here. I will recover.
      P

    • #9023
      p
      Participant

      I hear some people say they know it was the last time when they gambled. They knew it was the end and the beginning of recovery. Strange for me to say but i know this is the end of my gambling. I know that i can recover and i will
      P

    • #9024
      p
      Participant

      Well.. things are feeling a little better. i got compliments from my boxs and i was told what a great job i do. It made me feel a little better to hear that. Havnet had many positives of late so that was nice. I am just here with fans going, its hot today, and i am having some food and i am thinkng that life will improve. i believe in myself and i have no idea why. I never do, i have been totally devastated and to the bottom of the barrel and now i feel it is possible to stop so maybe thats what i needed in a really weird painful way. Its a cruel way to learn and its taken roughly six years for me to believe it but i actually believe i can do this
      I think ive gone mad
      P

    • #9025
      desdemona
      Participant

      Dear (((P)))! Good to hear that you’re doing a bit better! Putting any distance in time from the last time we gambled always makes us feel better. As the saying goes, a thousand mile journey begins with a single step. You’re on your way (((P))) by putting one step in front of the other. Every single day of not gambling is a personal victory for each and every one of us. Progress and not perfection! Carole

    • #9026
      p
      Participant

      Thanks Carole… Im amazed at the facade i can put on.. Its funny people often say to me people know when you are ****** it when i say i can mask my pain well but i really can. I have learnt from a young age to mask negative emotions or feelings. In a way its good it allows me to get through the days, still get through work and get complimented for it, and the affect on family is they think everything is ok which isnt a bad thing. Why should anyone else suffer but inside i am suffering badly. I do have hope of recovery, there is hope where i almost felt none. One baby step at a time and i know i will get stronger and life will improve. I need patience to get through the days. I want my life fixed now and i want to move on. There are still positives.. there has been a massive shift in my thinking. Though i still feel the devastation and guilt and have to suffer the financial consequences and sleepless nights. Things have dramatically changed in the way i look at recovery. I see the possibility of it happening for me. I see that i can now have a life. I feel like this time i am going to make it. Or ive gone completely insane.
      P

    • #9027
      p
      Participant

      I am thinking more and i think the only way i could stop is if i got to this point of pain. I think unless i experienced big loss, partial insanity and just wanting to die that i would have kept going. Its a shame that this is what it takes. But it has happened this way and it cant be undone. I still feel so guilty for what ive lost. For who i became. I don’t think i could ever go back to it, or is it just that i am fresh off the relapse. Doest feel like it though. Feels like im done. 🙂

      P

    • #9028
      p
      Participant

      Lots of posts this morning, lots going on in my mind. It is easy to beat myself up and go through the torture of what ive lost and why did i do it and im so stupid etc etc, today i am going to choose not to do that.. I am going to give myself the advice i would give to others as Janey said to me. I am going to as best i can today release the guilt and accept its happened, i accept it was my doing, that i have an addiction but i am doing the best i can to get help. I am taking steps to change my life and within a very very small amount of time it is miraculously changing.. I am going to be kind to myself. My whole life i have hated who i am and been really mean to myself. I have to be my own best friend now. How much nicer are the days if i do that. I didnt want to be an addict to gambling. I didnt want to ruin my life.. I did it. Its done. Its gone. There is nothing i can do about what has happened. There is something i can do about today. My family do not support me in any way shape or form in this and that is their choice. I have support of a counsellor, i have here and i have GA.. thats all the support i need. I do believe there is something more, i do believe there is a higher power with me, somehow i feel it. Somehow i know it. There is guidance coming from somewhere and its not from me. Maybe because ive decided to stop whinging about my life and change what i dont like. Im putting that big emotional stick away that i beat myself with. I do deserve a life.. its taken me wasting most of it to realize it but so be it. I do the best i can today. Its all i have to do. I dont have to be perfect, i just have to change my attitude and believe this is possible and i do. I will give myself the opportunity to recover.
      P

    • #9029
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Hi ya P, havnt logged on here in such a long time, maybe two or three months…pleased to see you’re still determined to change, no body is ever beyond change that is something I have firmly believed since I left GH 3 years ago. However during those 3 years I have had my moments of arrogant complacency and gambled and during those ***** I doubted whether I could actually really change; distorted thinking fuelled by gambling. I have gambled a few ***** in recent months too, I dont feel guilty I do feel ashamed though but am pleased to say that my belief in myself is back and I’m cooking on gas! Of course I can change, as can you and every one of us.
      Geordie.I'm a compulsive gambler that isn't gambling today.

    • #9030
      p
      Participant

      Thank you Geordie, i wondered how you were going and i am really pleased to hear that you are ok now.. I am getting there slowly slowly.. the days are going slowly forward but I am pretty determined to kick this addiction. I wont give up.. Felt like i was definately not going to make it there at one stage but today i actually think i can. I think you have to be pretty badly mangled to attempt recovery and want it.. I would have to say that now i am pretty badly mangled. It took what it took to get me to see clearly and move on. Not much interested in dates and the time factor but i didnt gamble today so im doing ok considering. The hardest part for me is letting go of the guilt. I didnt have much debt before but now i do, i will be paying it for a while and its a sore reminder of where ive been. I thank god really that this pain and absolute desperation has shot me into recovery like nothing on earth. I dont believe i could do another relapse. i dont believe i would survive it so really i think its survival skills coming out.. Im doing recovery to stay alive
      P

    • #9031
      p
      Participant

      P.S. thank you for all your support from far across the seas, wish we lived closer
      P

    • #9032
      p
      Participant

      Today was a better day. Work has been good, i enjoy going because i can totally focus on something else and i can earn a few dollars to put toward my debt. The debt will be long but all i can do is chip away at it each week and just transfer straight from my pay to the debt. That way it will happen and i just need to be patient and see that this is just how it is, this is the consequences of my actions. Today i caught up with a friend and tomorrow i am going out to do family stuff. I have meetings structured in my diary, i have counselling sessions and i am saying prayers every day for strength and the ability to change. I will change my life. I have started. I will look at the positives in my life. i will look at the things i do have to be thankful for. i will push through when i am feeling lazy and unmotivated and i will do my best to change the things i need to about myself. Its a big task but i have the rest of my life to work on it. I want the rest of my life to be good. Ive been through a lot from a young age. ive faced many demons. This gambling demon has tried its best to derail me from this life but now i have turned the tables and I am taking the train of recovery to a healthy and happy life.
      P

    • #9033
      desdemona
      Participant

      Dear (((P)))! I know all about facades as I went around for many years with a big smile, and people thought I was so competent and had it altogether. When all the time I was dying inside of emotional pain. I felt shame for things that had been done to me and for bad choices I had made. I thought that nobody could help me, that nobody could ever understand my pain. I wouldn’t have asked for help if I was on fire! I was there for everyone but myself. It’s only when I started asking for help from professionals and showing my weaknesses and pain to others that I started to recover. You say you have no support from family, and I believe you. Family can be people that have no biological relationship to us. Family are the people that support and care about us, even if they are friends, professionals, etc. There were decades where I tried to get my mother’s approval and love, sadly only to realize that this was never going to happen, and I had to let that go. In emotional recovery, there is pain, but once we walk through that pain, there is so much freedom. I get lonely a lot but it sure is better than living in a situation that was very unhealthy for me emotionally. I now will not have people in my life that don’t treat me with respect and value. I am working on being a better person, but for me that doesn’t mean that I don’t put in emotional boundaries with others. I can’t fix everything about my life or myself all at once. I try and do it in baby steps so I don’t get overwhelmed. My relationships with my family of origin are on my terms now. I no longer feel that I have to help or fix everyone’s problems. (((P))) Ask for help, and keep putting one foot after the other, and you will get there. None of us ever arrive where everything in ourselves or our lives is perfect. That’s why it’s important to cut ourselves some slack. Progress not perfection. It’s easy not to gamble when we don’t have the money to do so. At some point you’re going to have money again. so you have time to come up with a plan on how you’re going to put barriers around accessing that money. Carole

    • #9034
      p
      Participant

      Thanks Carole for your post.. I love all those animals you feed, i love animals too and for some periods of my life i pretty much just had animals in my life and not people. I am feeling better about things with each passing day. I have a full day planned today, fun for the little family. Then later tonight hopefully i can go to a meeting. I am starting to feel a little more energetic i was so exhausted after this relapse i literally could not move. I went to work and came home and had to just *** down. Before and after work, i couldnt move and i used every ounce of energy to work. I wanted to stay home but i need the money and i dont like letting the boss down. I am really looking forward to a few days off and i feel this is going to help me get my bounce back. I have a plan in my mind. I want to start the de cluttering process. For me when i do this i am always getting toward a healthier state of mind. I weighed myself, im still the heaviest i have been and i have a plan for that, just simple walking. I am to do it a couple of ***** a week and go for a long walk near the water and birds, it makes me feel calm and relaxed and used to be my way of coping with stress till i found those dreaded machines. Machines that will hopefully be in the past now. I feel a new found freedom.. cant quite explain it just that I dont see me going back to the madness. I honestly dont think i would survive it. My relapses dont go for a few hours, they go for months on end of madness and being totally out of control.. it destroys me. To be totally honest if i could go once every now and then i would but i do know, after six years that this is never going to be the case.. I dont think i ever got step one.. no amount of literature, counsellors, sponsors, meetings, advice ever got me to step one. The pain i experienced got me to accept step one this time absolutely without reservation. I dont be***ve i would have stopped any other way. I do feel repulsed at the thought of going back. Thats gotta be good. Usually it would have faded by now and i would be back in my delusional thoughts of maybe this time i can just take a little and i will be fine and just have some entertainment. Its kind of embarrassing that i still had those thoughts after six years of proving to myself otherwise. I guess it is what it is though and thats what happened in my journey. I be***ve the only way out of my problem is to have experienced the suffering and absolute despair i felt this time. It totally shattered my ability to get through a normal day and my mental health plummeted to a scary low that i never want to see again.. I can see how this addiction sends people to institutions. I never want to feel the level of insanity that i felt again. Recovery has no comparison to relapsing. Recovery is just going to be my way of life and i will deal with the ups and downs as they come. I have a good counsellor who i trust and feel comfortable with. Today will be a good day. The clouds are shifting and i can see sunshine coming into my life. I need to be my own miracle.
      P

    • #9035
      p
      Participant

      Wow a new forum!! Nice 🙂
      I will post a bit more later, going through some very emotional and trying *****, I have missed this place.

    • #9036
      p
      Participant

      Im not sure where my post went. I hope it went to the right place. Emotions are all over the place, very emotionally vulnerable time for me now but glad i can post about it now

    • #9037
      p
      Participant

      Well I am finding my way round the site, must say it looks a lot nicer… the chat groups if you want to find them you go into group therapy schedule and you click on view as list that is above timetable. Otherwise on the timetable it doesnt look like there is one on untill you click the view as list button. Just telling you all in case you have not discovered it yet as it doesnt show on front page if any groups are on like the live chat line does.
      I am sure we will all get used to it soon and be posting away like mad again like i have already started.
      Having a bit of a meltdown in my days recently, reality is hitting me a little like a sledgehammer and i am really shocked at the years gone by with addiction. I feel the pain and regret, trying to let it go. The feelings are raw and real but they are real and that is life. Something i have been hiding from for a very long time.

      P

    • #9038
      p
      Participant

      Well I am finding my way round the site, must say it looks a lot nicer… the chat groups if you want to find them you go into group therapy schedule and you click on view as list that is above timetable. Otherwise on the timetable it doesnt look like there is one on untill you click the view as list button. Just telling you all in case you have not discovered it yet as it doesnt show on front page if any groups are on like the live chat line does.
      I am sure we will all get used to it soon and be posting away like mad again like i have already started.
      Having a bit of a meltdown in my days recently, reality is hitting me a little like a sledgehammer and i am really shocked at the years gone by with addiction. I feel the pain and regret, trying to let it go. The feelings are raw and real but they are real and that is life. Something i have been hiding from for a very long time.

      P

    • #9039
      p
      Participant

      Im a bit confused about what is going on with the thread. Why dont we just all start new ones? seems to be a problem with the posts that are already there maybe?
      Im not sure, i am typing this and hoping it will end up where it is supposed to. it is not the facilitators fault they want it just as much as we do and the staff. They are obviously trying their best. I will just keep trying to post and if it doesnt work then i will start a new thread. Think its ok for new posts.

      P

    • #9040
      p
      Participant

      Well that seemed to work. I pushed reply then typed the body of the text then pushed save. Seems to work.

      So im riding an emotional rollercoaster, the emotions are surfacing and i am feeling real feelings again. Feelings that have been a long time coming. They have been buried somewhere and i feel they are coming out and i feel empty and lost and confused. I feel different. I feel scared of the swings in my *****, my feelings, crying, havent cried in i dont know how long but i cried 3 times today.

      P

    • #9041
      p
      Participant

      Well, who am I? That is the question of the day for me because right now I have absolutely no idea!!

      P

    • #9042
      p
      Participant

      Well life is life and it is throwing things at me left right and centre. I am facing an emotional battle right now. I am prepared to face what comes. I am prepared to feel once more. So much of my life has been without feelings. I can fill my life with good things. I can do that and i will and i also need to realize this is all a process. My debt will be a process too. The regret will be a process that i learn to let go. Life is too short to waste in addiction.
      P

    • #9043
      p
      Participant

      Wow so glad to see everyone posting and having the old threads even working, thats great 🙂

      Your friend P

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