8 September 2013 at 7:27 am #9007
I have missed you all. The river of denial is drying up for me. The pain is too much to put into words. Maybe one day i can explain what ive been through but for now i will just say. Im back.
Your long lost friend…. P8 September 2013 at 12:28 pm #9008desdemonaParticipant
Dear (((P)))! So happy to see that you’re back!!! Gambling is not a way to live as all it produces is pain! Just keep doing the best you can and ***** every single gamble free day as a victory. I don’t ***** days as you probably know as some days just getting through the day without gambling is enough pressure for me. You can do this. Progress not perfection! Carole8 September 2013 at 2:33 pm #9009trulyshiParticipant
The only thing that matters is that you keep coming back. You have been missed. Debbie8 September 2013 at 4:09 pm #9010veraParticipant
Prayers answered again, P!
You are in my thoughts and prayers everyday. I sensed things weren’t going well for you.
Never give up coming back here!
Today is all that matters!8 September 2013 at 6:15 pm #9011AnonymousGuest
Hi P .the pain That we cause ourselves seems to hurt even more than pain that is imposed upon us. Hang in there.. And keep posting8 September 2013 at 10:42 pm #9012
Thank you for your posts my friends it is so good to read here again and to post. I have been away for some time. You were all missed. I still thought of you all though. This is going to be tough, its not easy, it hurts… it will pass though, i just hang on to that hope.
P9 September 2013 at 8:16 am #9013
Hi again friends
I am definately paying for what i have done. It is hard and it is going to be hard. I believe that this amount of madness is actually going to eventually be beneficial to me. Trying to look at the positive because the reality is its a very negative situation that i have to face. Small steps and small progress has been made though in actually a very small amount of time. Though the relapse was recent and it was beyond words even. I cant even begin to say it. I am doing counselling and meetings, straight on to it. My counsellor made me feel sane for a minute. In those moments i was ok. I caught a glimpse of hope. I have fought this addiction long enough. I no longer fight. I totally surrender.
P9 September 2013 at 12:37 pm #9014cat438Participant
(((P))) welcome back sweat P!!!! You have been missed around here. You are back where you belong among others who understand the challenges this addiction causes. Your last comment of your post really stood out to me "I have fought this addiction long enough. I no longer fight. I totally surrender." We do fight the addiction because we want to be able to gamble like other people who don’t have the addiction. I know that if I start thinking those thoughts then I am lost. I have to keep telling myself that I am powerless over this addiction. I don’t know the person that I become when I start on those machines because the addiction takes over!!!! Progress not perfection and always remember the gamble free time that you have achieved by coming here. Keep posting and grabbing all the support that you can to help you get through the day or hour or minute, whatever it takes. There is always hope and never ever ever give up!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…9 September 2013 at 3:14 pm #9015
Thanks cat and all who have posted to me
Its late, i cant sleep so i was happy to log in and see a chat available. Its funny how i have hesitated in chatting and opening up. I think i can solve everything, that i can figure things out. I went on chat, Harry had a way of helping me see triggers after my just on six months clean i relapsed, i thought there was no trigger, but Harry helped me find it. I can see now that it was there as plain as day as the week before i hadnt been able to sleep worrying about the future, things beyond my control. I also received something at just the right moment, i was pretty much in despair, and a little coincedence happened. Well, maybe not a coincidence hey. I was losing hope lately but i have had help from my friends across the seas. I have gone back to counselling, I am going to meetings, i am trying my hardest to put one foot in front of the other. In future i am going to share my concerns with people. I will talk more and not be so closed. I need to do this to help myself. I have to try different things, I have to find a way. I dont want to gamble again. I really want to have a life and i promise myself i never never want to go through what i just have. It has been almost unbearable. Im trying to find positives. Im desperate to help myself and im doing things to make that a reality.
P9 September 2013 at 3:56 pm #9016desdemonaParticipant
Dear (((P)))! If you’re breathing there is always hope. Just think what an inspiration you are to so many of us that you do keep coming back, even if it takes you some time to do so. For me, I find that loneliness and lots of spare time are my worse enemies. Maybe you could befriend someone at your meetings, who you could have coffee with. Are you going to do volunteer work like you were before? It’s too easy to sit at home with only the prospect of watching TV, reading, cleaning, or getting on the computer to trigger urges to gamble. Most of us will probably never find activities that are as "enjoyable" as zoning out gambling, but we need to replace the time we spent gambling and thinking about gambling with "normal" activities. Counselling and meetings are great things to be doing but they are not what I would consider "fun." I think of you often. Had a cup of English Toffee coffee last night and of course thought of you. Carole9 September 2013 at 9:01 pm #9017
Thanks for your post. I am trying to put structure into my days. Its something that my counsellor really recommends too. It does help me, i manage so much better with structure. Otherwise i float along in any direction not knowing what i am doing. Writing things down does help me. I bought a diary to keep things in order and so i can follow a definite plan for the days. I will stick to it as best i can as i have become quite undisciplined. I am putting recovery first, i know i need some more fun but there will be no fun if i dont have recovery. It has to come above anything and it will. I am so desperate for change that i am catapulting myself into recovery as of a few days ago. Fun things will be in there somehow but for now i just do the next thing that keeps me safe. I am a movie lover, my treat will be going to the movies with a giant popcorn. It has been my fave thing to do since i was a child. There is plenty i will be able to do but first structure and paying things off. Family first, then me if theres any left over. Thats just the way i do it. I got myself into this crazy hole and i will get myself out, but not alone, that is one big mistake i have always made. I alone got myself here, no one made me, it wasnt anyone elses fault i did the damage. I cant get out by myself though i most definately need support. In time things will settle, but right now, as positive as i am trying to be, i am finding it very difficult to cope and get through the minutes. I just cant wait for this to pass.
P10 September 2013 at 1:22 am #9018AnonymousGuest
"A stonecutter may strike a rock ninety nine ***** with no apparent effect, not even a crack on the surface. Yet with the hundreth blow, the rock splits in two. It was not the final blow that did the trick, but all that had gone before.
When we work on ourselves to change who we are, we some***** get discouraged because we can’t see anything happening, everything still looks the same as yesterday. We have to remember that recovery is a process not an event and every time we do the next right thing we are affecting change inside ourselves even when it still looks the same on the outside.
Then all of a sudden at one moment we will be able to look back and say wow “this is a different rock” there was change here, but its not that final blow that did it, its the constant perseverance in recovery despite our falls and slips that does it." Posted on the website Spiritualcondition.com under the title Recovery Is A Process Not An Event.
I read this tonight P and I thought of you and I … and our jagged recovery process. I really liked this passage.
10 September 2013 at 3:13 am #9019
Wow i love this RG, i love it. I hope you are doing really well today. Its going to take a sloooooow process for me to get well this time but its happening, its started. No going back
P10 September 2013 at 7:34 am #9020
I dont think i have ever felt so tired. I am having so much trouble moving at all. I have to do what i have heard and **** it till i make it. I have to just keep going and moving through the minutes and hours and just keep on doing what i have to do till i start to feel semi normal again. Ugh this is going to take some time. You make your bed you *** in it. I know i just have to do it. Doesn’t make it any easier though. Suffering from **** swings, social anxiety, and just plain exhaustion at the moment. I feel like i am in concrete and cannot move
P10 September 2013 at 12:34 pm #9021cat438Participant
(((P))) I just noticed I put "sweat" when I meant "sweet" earlier. I am thinking of the flower "Sweet P" when I am saying that to you. I am so happy that you are back. You are such a large part of the recovery train here at GT and missed when you are not posting. I often think of Pumpkin and wonder how she is. I hate this addiction and what it has done to so many peoples. It is over two years that I started recovery on this site and I remember at the beginning spending lots of time on chats with you and Pumpkin. P take all the support that you can. I am back at counseling again. I was recognizing that I was having emotional issues and that is a huge trigger for me and I knew if I did not do anything I would be sitting in front of a machine again. I find just sitting talking to someone makes a huge difference. Wishing you a "happy gamble free day"!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…
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