11 August 2011 at 3:55 pm #2456
Lussina has mentioned the CG cycle in her post on Lisa’s thread. I wondered if looking at the cycle often followed by non-CGs, when they don’t have to, might help someone or instigate debate that would help everyone.
I have gained some knowledge from a CG but the F&F thoughts are mine. I realise I have generalised somewhat but I wanted to draw comparisons in our behaviours.
The CG Cycle
a. The ‘addiction to gambling cycle’ obviously has no starting point. I am therefore beginning with the ‘gamble’. The ‘gamble’ is the ultimate moment for a CG offering the pinnacle of pleasure and excitement. The mobile is turned off and life is put on hold to avoid interruption of pleasure. ‘The Gamble can last a minute or possible go on for days and weeks but the end result for a CG is ‘loss’ because they cannot walk away when ‘winning’. A ‘win’ merely raises the excitement further and prolongs the gamble until the inevitable ‘loss’.
b. The ‘loss’ brings feelings of failure and worthlessness and inevitably – ‘blame’. The CG cannot blame his/her addiction for the loss because to do so would be to accept responsibility for their behaviour, thus the world gets blamed and in particular those closest. Lies multiply to field questions and censure. Anger, depression and resentment build – the CG feels misunderstood.
c. A trigger, a spark, an ignition of excitement as the thought of another gamble takes hold with another chance to win but this time it will be different. All previous behaviour is forgotten – it didn’t happen, here is another chance to clear debts and to prove to the doubters that they are wrong.
d. Enablement is sought, pay day is eagerly anticipated, If enablement or wages are not obtainable, it might be necessary to steal to satisfy the craving but the tool for the gamble, (money) must be found.
e. As time passes and the gamble gets closer there is a palpable excitement – the good period! It builds until the time comes to give reign to the addiction again. Shoes can receive an extra polish on the day, smiles can be bestowed and the countdown commences.
f. The CG, blinkered to reality, sets out to engage in a ‘Gamble’ and the player returns to (a).
Running alongside the CG’s cycle is the F&F, especially the one(s) closest, the probable enabler.
The Non-CG Cycle
a. The loved one is out doing what gives them the pleasure. They are unobtainable. The mobile is off and the answer phone kicks in with the voice that the non-CG wonders if they will ever again hear from a living person. The fear of finding their CG dead in a ditch or in a cell takes over and sleep is lost, food is uneaten, nerves are frayed, strategies planned, tough measures decided upon, misery engulfs.
b. The loved one returns but is not happier for their pleasure. The mood confounds the non-CH who confronts or shrinks away but regardless of which, is made to feel tiresome and at fault, just another problem to cap all the other misery that the CG doesn’t deserve. Strategy and tough measures evaporate and the non-CG accepts the guilt. Love and care is showered on the CG to convince them that life is good if only they ………… but words falls on deaf addicted ears.
c. Things begin to feel better. There is less tension in the air. There is even a smile. Maybe things are not so bad. Memories of good times erase the bad. Logic and reasoning have been tried before and not succeeded so don’t say anything to break the mood.
d. The CG appears to be making an effort. Maybe a bit of trust was all that was needed. Maybe they do need a bit of money for a good evening after all they have looked after the children or the rabbit all day. Don’t rock the boat.
e. The best time. The CG loved one is happy. Not a good time to talk about one’s worries. Enjoy the moment.
f. The Loved One disappears and the mobile is off. The non-CG returns to (a).
It seems to be that the cycle that is easier to break is the cycle of the non-CG. The behaviour that the non-CG is affected by is controlled by an addiction. As the non-CG is not addicted and therefore not controlled, the non-CG has to ‘allow’ the cycle of the CG to affect them and therefore has a choice.
The way I succeeded in breaking my cycle was to become estranged from my CG but I didn’t understand, at the time, about cycles or addiction. I would like to think that I would have broken my cycle, if I had recognised that I had one too, instead of trying to break my CGs.
4 February 2013 at 3:53 pm #2457
For BB and anyone else it may help12 March 2013 at 5:43 pm #2458
for Nitenurse who makes divine killer dinners in the face of adversity – well done3 May 2013 at 11:05 am #2459
Hi Mucklow – this one is for you9 May 2013 at 11:14 am #2460
For Building Bridges12 May 2013 at 9:01 pm #2461mmzParticipant
Hi, i am definitely in the F & F cycle, but the question is how to break it?6 August 2013 at 10:28 am #2462
Hi Aching Heart
I hope this sheds some light in the darkness for you
9 August 2013 at 8:18 am #2463aching heartParticipant
I am new to this n have been reading a lot I can so identify with this cycle and need to break it I currently have separated from my cg partner u talk about breaking the cycle how can u so this before it reaches seperation11 August 2013 at 12:33 pm #2464
I think you have read this Blublu – but just in case your haven’t – this is for you16 August 2013 at 12:32 pm #2465
this ones for you ckp. I believe all you have described is here. You are in the right place1 September 2013 at 4:38 pm #2466adeleParticipant
We have a number of new members and new threads so I wanted to bring Velvet’s F&F Cycle back up to the top for them … and for me.
I still need reminding that I do not have to feel guilty or be controlled by my CG’s addiction and to be ever vigilant that I do not fall back into the cycle of enablement.
"… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there’s nothing there?" Adele on writing Chasing Pavements– 9/2/2013 3:49:35 AM: post edited by adele.2 November 2013 at 3:23 pm #2467
For James – I hope it helps.26 November 2013 at 4:53 pm #2468
You are doing well KB and you have worked a lot of this cycle out already. keep posting13 March 2014 at 5:51 pm #2469
For Sade – because I understand.
Velvet8 April 2014 at 5:31 pm #2470
You have recognised your CG cycle – I hope this helps
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