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    • #25389
      p
      Participant

      Hi again

      Of course i always start a new thread with a new start.. all i can say is things are the worst. I cant describe it, you all know. This was ten times the destruction i have known. It is progressive, it is heart breaking. I cant live in the madness anymore. Today i start fresh on the 1st of June here. This might sound odd but i know this is my last chance… i know it. If i dont stop now i never will. I have to stop now, i want to. I want my life again, i want recovery. I have just had such a hard time pulling up this time. It has been incredibly tough and incredibly destructive. Im at my wits end. I need strength in buckt loads.. My head is sick right now

      P

    • #25390
      p
      Participant

      Reality strikes as my head tumbles through the last few months that are just a whir in my brain.. all mixed together, pain, anxiety, the highs and lows, the devastation, the desperation. Reality isnt kind today. Its come to visit and Im not liking what i see. Reality has stayed away a while, kept me in a cocoon somehow.. not anymore, its back and its raw

      P

    • #25391
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      Hi P, Is there anything else you could try to help you stop gambling? Are all your barriers in place?? Are the support groups and counselors you are seeing the right ones for you? I know you feel defeated right now but don’t give up on yourself. P, look at the good things in your life. I know that sometimes that is hard to do when you are feeling down. I know that you have talked about not having much family support and I get that as I am in the same boat. We can’t change that. But look at all the friends and support that you have here. Although we haven’t met in person, I care about you and want the best for you. You can get through this. Look for the good things in your life to give you strength. Take care.

    • #25392
      cat438
      Participant

      “You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”
      ― Maya Angelou

    • #25393
      p
      Participant

      It was nice to wake to your messages of support. Woke thinking i had woke from a nightmare but not the case, well it was a nightmare it was just real life. My own doing. My own insanity. I just have to try to continue. Its hard being in my head today

      P

    • #25394
      icandothis
      Participant

      Thank you so much for the birthday wishes. It meant so much to me because I know how hard it is to reach out to others, even if it is only to say happy birthday when we are struggling so ourselves.
      “We must commit to learning from our mistakes, rather than beating ourselves up, or we’re destined to make the same mistakes in the future” Anthony Robbins
      The rest is a bit Anthony Robbins mixed in with my own thoughts. Also, talking to myself as well as to you. I wanted to post to you Saturday morning, but I didn’t have internet access, so I wrote to in my journal instead. This is what I wrote.
      What can we learn from this? This short-term setback may even be a gift in disguise if we use it to make better decisions in the future. Rather than focus on the short-term setback, choose instead to learn lessons that will save you money and pain in the future. Instead of asking why, why, we need to ask ourselves what have we learned and what can we do so we don’t make the same mistake again.
      There are no failures, Just results. We can do this, P. This is only a setback. Hopefully, next time the outcome will be different. No matter what, we need to keep moving in the right direction. You have come so far, P. I think more than you realize. Hang in there. Brighter days are on the way.
      It is time, P. We have both messed up. I for one have messed up big time! What are we going to do about it? I don’t think either one of us is ready to throw in the “recovery” towel, so what choice do we have but to keep on fighting! Wishing you a gamble-free day. Make it a good one!
      I feel like this is the end of the line for me, too, P. I have to make recovery work this time. I just have too! I hope we can both look back on today as our turning point

    • #25395
      desdemona
      Participant

      Dear (((P)))! I’m sorry to hear about your relapse, but no point looking back unless it’s to remind ourselves what happens when cgs gamble. Beating yourself up over this fiasco changes nothing! All any of us have is today. I had to cut up my debit card in 4 pieces to stop myself from having ATM access to cash. Drastic times require drastic measures for some of us. It’s a bit of an adjustment to only have access to a credit card for day to day purchases. My credit card has zero cash advance as I cancelled it, and once it’s cancelled, it’s done for good. There’s no turning back for me! Maybe think of how you can put in barriers to not have the cash available. I find that keeping really busy helps and also gives me a sense of accomplishment. Once in a while thoughts will come to me that I need to “reward” myself by gambling for working so hard. Any cg understands that gambling is not a “reward.” Gambling is a compulsive behavior that we use to deal with feelings, both positive and negative. It’s great to see you back. Carole

    • #25396
      twilight16
      Participant

      Hi P,

      It is good that you are expressing your feelings and getting them out of your system. I do believe this is a huge part in getting what bothers us out so we can move on. This part in your recovery you have mastered.

      Also, you are not in denial about your gambling addiction; you know the hold it has over you, and you are not underestimating the destruction it has and the further destruction it may do. You are afraid it will get worst and you are right to be scared as it will.

      Yet, you have your slips and each time afterwards you regret them. Yet you still have them. I think you have been slapped enough times by the addiction to know it is not your friend, nor will it bring anything good in your life, the big win it is fooling you to think is just around the corner or next bet will never happened. The few times my father was forthcoming about this addiction, I remember when he said along the lines, “When I needed to win money the most, I never did. I only kept losing.”
      Somehow you have to remember this, and usually in desperation we are not the most levelheaded.

      From what I have read, you have a job, a family and you have not lost everything. What you have are the consequences of your gambling, debts. The addiction knows this and uses it to get you to gamble more. So stop, stop listening to it. You have a better chance paying it off and getting on with your life, than if you were to gamble today.
      We all have free will, the mess you are in was not just created, and it will take time for it to seem like it is getting smaller, but you are in a much better situation than you if you continue to gamble.

      Don’t place unnecessary pressure on yourself. You have a lot of good things in your life, start focusing on them and remember no amount of gambling will ever truly make you happy.

      Take care,
      Twilight

    • #25397
      p
      Participant

      Thanks Ican, Carole and Twilight, i took something from what each of you said today.
      I have gone back to GA starting over again is hard. You think i would learn after all these years. Im not someone who has got it from day one, wish i was. Its taken years and i am still trying. I have no answers. I am totally stumped some days.
      A few days in and I have to hang on and just think that things will improve. Life will get better. I just have to hang on.

      P

    • #25398
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      P, Keep looking at the good things in your life. Things will improve and life will get better. Take care.

    • #25399
      p
      Participant

      Hi everyone
      Back again and starting to post. Trying my best to move forward and find some kind of forgiveness for myself in all of this but i find that the hardest thing to do.. letting go of the loss this time has been very very hard and i am just shattered from the whole experience. Never will i be able to have that first bet without the downward spiral that follows.. i guess i have to be grateful i have come back at all. Maybe another time i wont..
      It still amazes me the power of this addiction and i seem today to have an understanding of it all.. tomorrow could be a different story thats how it goes, very quick changing for me.
      Everything is, my moods, my thoughts of gambling, i go from being strong to the next hour having massive urges, thinking i couldnt think of anything worse than gambling right now, to sheer desperation to get there.. it is so insane. I wish i had got it from the start. I wish i was a textbook GA person. It hasnt happened. Without this site, without GA though who knows where i would be now. Maybe much worse.. im sure i wouldnt have had any gamble free time. I find counting such a waste. I just say to myself i cant gamble anymore, and hope i dont. Just for today of course.. sometimes just for this hour.
      I feel exhausted and sick this time.. really has taken its toll on me in so many ways.. a great lesson lets hope i can learn

      P

    • #25400
      p
      Participant

      I am learning lessons.. big lessons, feel like this is the biggest learning curve of my life and ive had a few. This is huge, something is changing.. i feel today for the first time in a long time i have my head in recovery. I dont have a foot in the casino and head in recovery i have my head in recovery. Things are changing. I am going to try really hard to let it all go.. fresh start, new beginning. I have so many regrets i came to realize, i should have done this years ago, that etc.. if only, what if.. i realize i have been watching my life go by and i am sick of it.
      I am really waking up, not sure whats happened, maybe an awakening, maybe insanity, il choose the first of the two.
      Im ready to give my recovery everything i have again, its finding balance for me, thats a big one. Ive found an enthusiasm this morning that i have really been missing. I have made whopping mistakes, i have wasted a lot of time and money and hurt myself in a huge way. No more. I am going to hang on to recovery this time. I am not going to concern myself with time, just going to avoid that next bet and get on with life as best i can. Pay my debts in a manageable way, stop beating myself up… Im ready..

      P

    • #25401
      kathryn
      Participant

      Take it one day at a time p, small steps. It’s so hard not to dwell on the past, don’t keep beating yourself up, it’s done and over. You can rebuild your life.
      I can see the hope in your post, hold on to that, it will give you strength.
      Love k xxx

    • #25402
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      Hi P, Thank you for your supportive post. We’ve all made mistakes in our lives and we can’t go back and change them or the past. I think you are a very strong person, more than you give yourself credit for. Keep fighting the fight!!! I am here to always support you like you have done for me.

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