Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 83 total)
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  • #11344
    Clarity
    Keymaster

    Hi All
    I’ve been a gambling since the age of 16.
    Similar story to a lot of folks on this site that I’ve been reading.
    Started off gambling on Grand National for fun with family placing bets and won straight away. WOW. 1978 profit £2.50. The feeling of ecstsy was there. No real issues then, but wanted the taste of winning again and again.
    No real problems for for the next 5 years or so. Went to Uni, carried on gambling for a while but nothing too major and felt everything was hunky dory. Got a job and slowly started gambling on football & horses. First real bet to me was placing £25 on a horse in the bookies the night before a race that I had noticed in the newspaper was an odds on favourite, so would win approx £20 if it won. Went to work the next day and on my way home pooped in the bookies to discover it had won at 5 to 1. At the time it was like winning a months wages. The feeling was incredible. The pattern then progresses as you all know and I thought I was invincible. 
    Fast forward 30 years and here I am today writing for the very first time, feeling numb. Always worked (fortunately) and been lucky always to have decent jobs. Been made redundant a few times over the years, but always managed to blow the lot. Over this 30 years I have lost probably 300K. The real losses came with the introduction of online gambling sites.  Lost my wife (who was a dream), house, been bankrupt, committed fraud, been to prison and faced at times hell, although even this spell in prision did not feel like a rock bottom, I think I must be a bit crazy. Isolated myself from friends over the years as gambling became much more important !!!! I realise, that this ranting is making me sound like some kind of deranged sociopath, so excuse me.  Now living in Switzerland (believe me, when I say, not in a glamourous way) although always still think of myself as a Brit. Managed to keep the demons in some level of control until the past few years. Although I’m perceived as very confident and gregarious to the outside world, I feel the complete opposite and its all a facade. Married again now for 7 years.  Always played lots of sports, but these all stopped as the gambling went into overdrive. Have little motivation for anything.
    The strange thing is that I still love to gamble albeit that I understand that it is only a destructive vice that has only ever given me pain in the longer term. In the last 2 months I was given a large sum of cash and paid off a lot of debt. I appreciate how lucky I was to have this chance, as I was really in the mire and was feeling a level of desperation I cannot describe in words. Needless to say, I thought my world was about to collapse. I have just cancelled all of my credit cards except one with a large chunk of debt still on it which I will try and pay slowly back over time.  Did not gamble at all since 31 December 2012 and thought I could change if i really fought it. Till last night were I blew 10K in 30 minutes at roulette which I didn’t have to lose, just so I could win some ‘easy money’ !! The itch will just not go away, whatever I do to try and control it. I have no access to cash now till Friday, so that will be the next test. I need a CC as I have have to travel a lot with job. My mind is wrecked with guilt and pain and frustration at my weakness, but hoping for the first time ever i WILL fight this……………….
    I’ve just put blockers in place, so here goes. I will not tell my wife as I am too afraid (a coward) she will not be able to deal with the deciet. My first step to recovery is writing here today. I will write a diary when feelin a bit stronger.
    Wishing all of you the strength to fight this most debilitating evil. It is helpful just reading all your stories, so Thank-you.

    Thanks for listening and once again apologies for the incoherent rambling.

     

    #11345
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Not slept for past 30 hours or so. Don’t care, just tired, called in and told work will not be back till Monday. Wife is shattered. Will not go into details but we were up through the night and have talked/argued/screamed/silences/I do not have words to describe……
    Quite frankly, I’m disgusted by myself. Prison was easy, I do not say this lightly.  I built a life again after those lows and made her part of it. Managed to pick up in a good job through some help from an old colleague at the time and did not look back. It was too easy. Did not learn the lessons.  And back to today. No smiles, just utter abject disgust at myself for spoiling this beautiful woman’s view of the World, her life she thought she had and me. The worst moment was very early this morning, all talk exhausted, just huge tear-filled blue eyes staring right through me and running down her face. Her eyes raw and red till no more tears to cry. I hope she can forgive me. Hope she will get some sleep. I cannot.  Says she will stay by my side ‘its for the long haul, stop dealing in lies, deceit’, those words just make me feel even more pathetic as a supposed ‘man’………..what a joke I truly am.  Need to go for now…………….have no words to say
     

    #11346
    vera
    Participant

    I can totally identify with the disastrous scenario you describe, Uncontrolled.I’ve lived through a lot of similar scenes.
    I am no stranger to sleepless nights and gambling remorse.
    Some***** words only add fuel to the fire. My husband just stays silent when I try to talk to him in the aftermath of a gambling binge, or indeed before a binge, if I am foolish enough to seek his support in an effort to avert yet another disaster. During these ***** I use "texting" to communicate.
    It’s easier than watching his negative reaction. Listeing to muttered curses and suffering long silences and waiting for a snide remark in company, as a method of paying me back, is just like turning a knife in an unhealed wound and such things prevent me from ever again confiding in him about my gambling, so I just pick up my own tab and move on….
    "Moving on" takes different directions for every CG. We can decide to drown our sorrows in the places that created that sorrow initially, or we can walk away and steer our lives in a different direction.
    Either route involves ACTION,not words.
    Words mean very little to an addict!– 01/02/2013 17:46:43: post edited by vera.

    #11347
    romanian gambler
    Participant

    my gambling journey ends today.
    I spent with 50% more than my salary, every month, in the last 6 months only on online betting.
    that’s madness.
    I was shocked!

    #11348
    velvet
    Moderator

     
    Hi Uncontrolled
    It is time to stop feeling pathetic.   Until you stop feeling so, you will not have the strength you need. Recovery is a selfish road and beating yourself up helps nobody.  
    You have indeed got a special woman and her words were not designed to hurt. She will have many ups and downs for quite a time, as what you have told her sinks in.   She will also probably find that when she tries to get support she will not be understood – it is my belief that only those who live with this addiction can really understand what it is like, just as only a CG can fully understand another CG. 
    It would be great to see her in a group where she will be understood and she can ask any questions and receive honest, supportive, non-judgemental answers.  
    Forgiveness comes a lot later and it is something that is hers to give when the time is right for her because her recovery ***** to be selfish too.   When I gave it my CG said that he wasn’t asking for it but I knew that for me the time was right.  
    You certainly do not have to describe the **** you both went through but was it **** enough for you – only you can decide that.   Your wife can’t stop you gambling.   She can learn to support you by looking after herself.  
    You are not a joke and I am not laughing.   You are a man with an addiction but it is an addiction you can control.   The support is here for you. The support is here for your wife.   If she talks to me I will no longer read your thread.  
    I hope you update soon and I hope you read the thread that Geordie has dragged back up to the top of this forum.   Entitled ‘Anniversary’ it is an old thread by Colin in Brum, I don’t think any of us could give you more incentive to believe in yourself at this time and change your life, than this wonderful post.    
    Well done on being honest with your wife.   One day at a time.
    Velvet
      

    #11349
    neva
    Participant

    Uncontrolled, you’ve taken a huge painful step in recovery.  About 57 years ago, my dad played poker with some work friends.  He came home with a pile of money.  My parents bought a crib and other baby things for their baby on the way.  A few paydays later, my dad lost most of his check in the poker game.  They didn’t have food to get to the next payday. From that point on, he handed all finances over to mom and never had more than a few dollars cash on him.  He never gambled again.  That might be the path for you too.  No money, no debit card and no credit card = no gambling. 

    #11350
    bettertommorow
    Participant

    Good luck, im sure you will succeed a step at a time

    #11351
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Just checking in to say thanks to all of you. I realise I will need this forum for ever.
    Velvet : your a special woman. I honestly hope that I’ve turned a corner. One day at a time. Just been taking it advice and been reading the anniversary thread, and it does inspire. Geordie is a good man to remind us all and I see he’s working hard on his journey too. I wish him God’s strength in his and all CG s recoveries. Clearly gambling is last thing on my mind presently. Blessed to have stumbled on you good people. Determined this is the end of gambling for me. I’ve set up some more counselling and my wife is planning to support me. I appreciate it’s early days. Actions really DO speak louder than words, it’s up to me now. Hoping one of these days I can repay your support !
    Vera; I see you and G both have a repartee that shoots from the hip……. I like your style. Will be back soon.

    #11352
    Anonymous
    Guest

    No gambling today. It can shove it where the sun don’t shine !!!!!!

    #11353
    neva
    Participant

    I saw a reader board at a health club and it said.  This time next year you’ll wish you would have started now. Of course they are talking about exercise and fitness but the same holds true for us.  Here’s to a good year in recovery. No gambling for me either.  We’re all in this together.
     

    #11354
    Anonymous
    Guest

    No gambling for me today. Just say NO !!!

    #11355
    blueelvis888
    Participant

    Hi Uncontrolled,
    Thank you for leaving a reply on my post. You do not sound like a deranged sociopath at all. Not being funny if I wrote down some of the thoughts that go through my head to get me out of this mess I am in, caused by gambling they would lock me up and throw away the key ! . You sound like an okay guy but like us all on this site you have been caught up in the whirlwind of gambling. It is true when you say that when you win you have a feeling of invincibility. But hey how do you actually feel now 30 or 40 years on down that road.Certainly not invincible.
    You mention you were given a large sum of money recently and you did manage to pay off some of your debts and did not lose all that money gambling again. Which is a start to recovery . But then later on that month you managed to lose 10k in 30 mins. Wowww that hurts.I know one thing is for certain that EASY MONEY does not come from gambling it has taken me the best part of 30 or so years to work that out. A long time ! I am no expert in recovery in fact I feel so weak when it comes to gambling. I have tried the normal things to quit gambling GA, hypnotists , therapy, clinics I suppose you could say virtually everything. But nothing seems to work. The craving to gamble was always to much for me. Now I have come to the stage in my life where I have to make some big choices . I have no money or material things left to lose. Everything has gone due to gambling. I am not married ,no children but I long for that so much. But gambling has taken that option away from me at the moment. I am 46 with nothing but debt and it is so hard having to think I have to start my life over again all because I gambled. But I cannot give up on life yet. I still have time to find something real away from the madness of gambling and I hope I can build a future and leave my past behind.
    Uncontrolled I really hope you can find the strength in you to quit gambling one day before its too late and live the life you deserve. Take care and do not gamble if only it is for today.

    #11356
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Although I’ve had thoughts of this dreaded evil and almost broke. I did not and I will fight on. Went for a 2 hour walk instead. Today I will not give up. Thanks for the support,

    #11357
    ready2change
    Participant

    Thank you for your support it means a lot and your right better to leave the past in the past i suppose i just wanted to have a moan and get a few things of my chest and thats ok too.
    You seem a bit brighter thank God and adaat you can do this your right again time is a great healer i just have to give myself time im taking strength from you cheers mate.
    P.S. What a goal from stevie G on sunday wer playing the old laday next tuesday in glasgow and snopp dog wants to be our mascot haha

    #11358
    ready2change
    Participant

    Thank you for your support it means a lot and your right better to leave the past in the past i suppose i just wanted to have a moan and get a few things of my chest and thats ok too.
    You seem a bit brighter thank God and adaat you can do this your right again time is a great healer i just have to give myself time im taking strength from you cheers mate.
    P.S. What a goal from stevie G on sunday wer playing the old laday next tuesday in glasgow and snopp dog wants to be our mascot haha

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