[Clarity]

Hi All
I’ve been a gambling since the age of 16.
Similar story to a lot of folks on this site that I’ve been reading.
Started off gambling on Grand National for fun with family placing bets and won straight away. WOW. 1978 profit £2.50. The feeling of ecstsy was there. No real issues then, but wanted the taste of winning again and again.
No real problems for for the next 5 years or so. Went to Uni, carried on gambling for a while but nothing too major and felt everything was hunky dory. Got a job and slowly started gambling on football & horses. First real bet to me was placing £25 on a horse in the bookies the night before a race that I had noticed in the newspaper was an odds on favourite, so would win approx £20 if it won. Went to work the next day and on my way home pooped in the bookies to discover it had won at 5 to 1. At the time it was like winning a months wages. The feeling was incredible. The pattern then progresses as you all know and I thought I was invincible. 
Fast forward 30 years and here I am today writing for the very first time, feeling numb. Always worked (fortunately) and been lucky always to have decent jobs. Been made redundant a few times over the years, but always managed to blow the lot. Over this 30 years I have lost probably 300K. The real losses came with the introduction of online gambling sites.  Lost my wife (who was a dream), house, been bankrupt, committed fraud, been to prison and faced at times hell, although even this spell in prision did not feel like a rock bottom, I think I must be a bit crazy. Isolated myself from friends over the years as gambling became much more important !!!! I realise, that this ranting is making me sound like some kind of deranged sociopath, so excuse me.  Now living in Switzerland (believe me, when I say, not in a glamourous way) although always still think of myself as a Brit. Managed to keep the demons in some level of control until the past few years. Although I’m perceived as very confident and gregarious to the outside world, I feel the complete opposite and its all a facade. Married again now for 7 years.  Always played lots of sports, but these all stopped as the gambling went into overdrive. Have little motivation for anything.
The strange thing is that I still love to gamble albeit that I understand that it is only a destructive vice that has only ever given me pain in the longer term. In the last 2 months I was given a large sum of cash and paid off a lot of debt. I appreciate how lucky I was to have this chance, as I was really in the mire and was feeling a level of desperation I cannot describe in words. Needless to say, I thought my world was about to collapse. I have just cancelled all of my credit cards except one with a large chunk of debt still on it which I will try and pay slowly back over time.  Did not gamble at all since 31 December 2012 and thought I could change if i really fought it. Till last night were I blew 10K in 30 minutes at roulette which I didn’t have to lose, just so I could win some ‘easy money’ !! The itch will just not go away, whatever I do to try and control it. I have no access to cash now till Friday, so that will be the next test. I need a CC as I have have to travel a lot with job. My mind is wrecked with guilt and pain and frustration at my weakness, but hoping for the first time ever i WILL fight this……………….
I’ve just put blockers in place, so here goes. I will not tell my wife as I am too afraid (a coward) she will not be able to deal with the deciet. My first step to recovery is writing here today. I will write a diary when feelin a bit stronger.
Wishing all of you the strength to fight this most debilitating evil. It is helpful just reading all your stories, so Thank-you.

Thanks for listening and once again apologies for the incoherent rambling.

 

[Anonymous]

Not slept for past 30 hours or so. Don’t care, just tired, called in and told work will not be back till Monday. Wife is shattered. Will not go into details but we were up through the night and have talked/argued/screamed/silences/I do not have words to describe……
Quite frankly, I’m disgusted by myself. Prison was easy, I do not say this lightly.  I built a life again after those lows and made her part of it. Managed to pick up in a good job through some help from an old colleague at the time and did not look back. It was too easy. Did not learn the lessons.  And back to today. No smiles, just utter abject disgust at myself for spoiling this beautiful woman’s view of the World, her life she thought she had and me. The worst moment was very early this morning, all talk exhausted, just huge tear-filled blue eyes staring right through me and running down her face. Her eyes raw and red till no more tears to cry. I hope she can forgive me. Hope she will get some sleep. I cannot.  Says she will stay by my side ‘its for the long haul, stop dealing in lies, deceit’, those words just make me feel even more pathetic as a supposed ‘man’………..what a joke I truly am.  Need to go for now…………….have no words to say
 

[vera]

I can totally identify with the disastrous scenario you describe, Uncontrolled.I’ve lived through a lot of similar scenes.
I am no stranger to sleepless nights and gambling remorse.
Some***** words only add fuel to the fire. My husband just stays silent when I try to talk to him in the aftermath of a gambling binge, or indeed before a binge, if I am foolish enough to seek his support in an effort to avert yet another disaster. During these ***** I use "texting" to communicate.
It’s easier than watching his negative reaction. Listeing to muttered curses and suffering long silences and waiting for a snide remark in company, as a method of paying me back, is just like turning a knife in an unhealed wound and such things prevent me from ever again confiding in him about my gambling, so I just pick up my own tab and move on….
"Moving on" takes different directions for every CG. We can decide to drown our sorrows in the places that created that sorrow initially, or we can walk away and steer our lives in a different direction.
Either route involves ACTION,not words.
Words mean very little to an addict!– 01/02/2013 17:46:43: post edited by vera.

[romanian gambler]

my gambling journey ends today.
I spent with 50% more than my salary, every month, in the last 6 months only on online betting.
that’s madness.
I was shocked!

[velvet]

 
Hi Uncontrolled
It is time to stop feeling pathetic.   Until you stop feeling so, you will not have the strength you need. Recovery is a selfish road and beating yourself up helps nobody.  
You have indeed got a special woman and her words were not designed to hurt. She will have many ups and downs for quite a time, as what you have told her sinks in.   She will also probably find that when she tries to get support she will not be understood – it is my belief that only those who live with this addiction can really understand what it is like, just as only a CG can fully understand another CG. 
It would be great to see her in a group where she will be understood and she can ask any questions and receive honest, supportive, non-judgemental answers.  
Forgiveness comes a lot later and it is something that is hers to give when the time is right for her because her recovery ***** to be selfish too.   When I gave it my CG said that he wasn’t asking for it but I knew that for me the time was right.  
You certainly do not have to describe the **** you both went through but was it **** enough for you – only you can decide that.   Your wife can’t stop you gambling.   She can learn to support you by looking after herself.  
You are not a joke and I am not laughing.   You are a man with an addiction but it is an addiction you can control.   The support is here for you. The support is here for your wife.   If she talks to me I will no longer read your thread.  
I hope you update soon and I hope you read the thread that Geordie has dragged back up to the top of this forum.   Entitled ‘Anniversary’ it is an old thread by Colin in Brum, I don’t think any of us could give you more incentive to believe in yourself at this time and change your life, than this wonderful post.    
Well done on being honest with your wife.   One day at a time.
Velvet
  

[neva]

Uncontrolled, you’ve taken a huge painful step in recovery.  About 57 years ago, my dad played poker with some work friends.  He came home with a pile of money.  My parents bought a crib and other baby things for their baby on the way.  A few paydays later, my dad lost most of his check in the poker game.  They didn’t have food to get to the next payday. From that point on, he handed all finances over to mom and never had more than a few dollars cash on him.  He never gambled again.  That might be the path for you too.  No money, no debit card and no credit card = no gambling. 

[bettertommorow]

Good luck, im sure you will succeed a step at a time

[Anonymous]

Just checking in to say thanks to all of you. I realise I will need this forum for ever.
Velvet : your a special woman. I honestly hope that I’ve turned a corner. One day at a time. Just been taking it advice and been reading the anniversary thread, and it does inspire. Geordie is a good man to remind us all and I see he’s working hard on his journey too. I wish him God’s strength in his and all CG s recoveries. Clearly gambling is last thing on my mind presently. Blessed to have stumbled on you good people. Determined this is the end of gambling for me. I’ve set up some more counselling and my wife is planning to support me. I appreciate it’s early days. Actions really DO speak louder than words, it’s up to me now. Hoping one of these days I can repay your support !
Vera; I see you and G both have a repartee that shoots from the hip……. I like your style. Will be back soon.

[Anonymous]

No gambling today. It can shove it where the sun don’t shine !!!!!!

[neva]

I saw a reader board at a health club and it said.  This time next year you’ll wish you would have started now. Of course they are talking about exercise and fitness but the same holds true for us.  Here’s to a good year in recovery. No gambling for me either.  We’re all in this together.
 

[Anonymous]

No gambling for me today. Just say NO !!!

[blueelvis888]

Hi Uncontrolled,
Thank you for leaving a reply on my post. You do not sound like a deranged sociopath at all. Not being funny if I wrote down some of the thoughts that go through my head to get me out of this mess I am in, caused by gambling they would lock me up and throw away the key ! . You sound like an okay guy but like us all on this site you have been caught up in the whirlwind of gambling. It is true when you say that when you win you have a feeling of invincibility. But hey how do you actually feel now 30 or 40 years on down that road.Certainly not invincible.
You mention you were given a large sum of money recently and you did manage to pay off some of your debts and did not lose all that money gambling again. Which is a start to recovery . But then later on that month you managed to lose 10k in 30 mins. Wowww that hurts.I know one thing is for certain that EASY MONEY does not come from gambling it has taken me the best part of 30 or so years to work that out. A long time ! I am no expert in recovery in fact I feel so weak when it comes to gambling. I have tried the normal things to quit gambling GA, hypnotists , therapy, clinics I suppose you could say virtually everything. But nothing seems to work. The craving to gamble was always to much for me. Now I have come to the stage in my life where I have to make some big choices . I have no money or material things left to lose. Everything has gone due to gambling. I am not married ,no children but I long for that so much. But gambling has taken that option away from me at the moment. I am 46 with nothing but debt and it is so hard having to think I have to start my life over again all because I gambled. But I cannot give up on life yet. I still have time to find something real away from the madness of gambling and I hope I can build a future and leave my past behind.
Uncontrolled I really hope you can find the strength in you to quit gambling one day before its too late and live the life you deserve. Take care and do not gamble if only it is for today.

[Anonymous]

Although I’ve had thoughts of this dreaded evil and almost broke. I did not and I will fight on. Went for a 2 hour walk instead. Today I will not give up. Thanks for the support,

[ready2change]

Thank you for your support it means a lot and your right better to leave the past in the past i suppose i just wanted to have a moan and get a few things of my chest and thats ok too.
You seem a bit brighter thank God and adaat you can do this your right again time is a great healer i just have to give myself time im taking strength from you cheers mate.
P.S. What a goal from stevie G on sunday wer playing the old laday next tuesday in glasgow and snopp dog wants to be our mascot haha

[ready2change]

Thank you for your support it means a lot and your right better to leave the past in the past i suppose i just wanted to have a moan and get a few things of my chest and thats ok too.
You seem a bit brighter thank God and adaat you can do this your right again time is a great healer i just have to give myself time im taking strength from you cheers mate.
P.S. What a goal from stevie G on sunday wer playing the old laday next tuesday in glasgow and snopp dog wants to be our mascot haha

[ready2change]

Thank you for your support it means a lot and your right better to leave the past in the past i suppose i just wanted to have a moan and get a few things of my chest and thats ok too.
You seem a bit brighter thank God and adaat you can do this your right again time is a great healer i just have to give myself time im taking strength from you cheers mate.
P.S. What a goal from stevie G on sunday wer playing the old laday next tuesday in glasgow and snopp dog wants to be our mascot haha

[velvet]

 
Hi Unc
Looking forward to seeing you seeking support on this thread, or supporting on another today.   I don’t feel special but if I am it is because I faced the addiction to gamble, it didn’t beat me and I will not have it in my life again.   Perhaps we become special when we reject the addiction, mean we what we say and live by it each day – in which case you will become more special by the day. Quite a thought.
You are doing well. How is your wife?
V

[Anonymous]

Hi Surrogate Mum
I’m OK. Struggling a little, but thats only to be expected. Part of me is dead chuffed as I’ve resisted temptation, the other side is the wife side. We are struggling at the moment, but trying to work through it. She is getting support and is also talking to me. Well up to yesterday that is. She has taken a flight back to UK to ‘rest’ her head and to speak to family back home. We discussed it and hopefully all is OK. Just trying to stay positive. I know you hate this numbers V but its Day 15 !!!!!!! I’m still psychologically ********………Hoping I won’t sometime in the future. Have barriers in place and really digging down with work to keep me focussed. Thanks for checking in. Wish I could say it was a walk in the park, alas it not. But I guess you realise that from experiences you’ve encountered.
Take care
PS It will get easier……………….????

[velvet]

 
Hi Unc
I never thought it would be a walk in the park.   I think you can be expecting to climb a few more walls for a little while but in answer to your question – yes it does get easier. I have seen it and I have seen it enough ***** to know it is true.
While your wife is away, it is really a good time to concentrate on you and your recovery. Join the groups, call the helpline. I hope your wife takes this time to work solely on herself. When she gets back, imagine telling her that you have controlled your addiction and compare the feeling to what you think you would have, if you had to tell her you had not controlled it.   Personally I think the former is the only one that will give you joy.
I understand the void, when an addiction is being controlled – but only the person with that void can fill it.  Do you remember what you used to enjoy before your addiction stopped you doing things?   What new things would you like to do that your addiction would stop you doing if it was still in control?  
As you learn about your addiction, you will free up space in your mind and it ***** filling with positive things. Your addiction will resist but you are taking control now and as you free up more space there is less room for your addiction.  
I liked the following story posted by a CG some time ago. The final bit is written by the CG and I have left it in but I have added my words at the end from the perspective of an F&F who won’t give up. 
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway
It just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back,
the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal,
he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a stepping stone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
I find that the farmer and neighbours in this story is like the love ones,
friends and people who have given up hope on us,
the donkey in the story is like the gambling addicts,
the well is like the gambling addiction we have,
every shovel of dirt into the well is like the slips, lapses and relapses we have
in our recovery journey. What do you think ?
 
This is what I think.
I think the donkey (CG) can give up on themselves but if those who care, chuck more support into the abyss then the donkey can reach the top far quicker. By the way I am really not calling you a donkey.   I know of no rule that says that a CG must have slips and relapses. I know life can feel like a whole load of dirt being showered down on you but when you struggle, come here and talk.    You are not alone.
Surrogate Mum made me smile. I don’t mind what you call me – I just want you to climb out of that abyss one day at a time and be the man you want to be.
V

[Anonymous]

Hi There,
Well done on your continued progress and well done on telling your loved one, obviously things won’t be good for a while but I am sure she will come through this as long as your actions are louder than words. I know you are struggling at the moment but stay strong and focused, the way I looked at it was I had 20 years of gambling, being selfish, being not a very nice person and now I was on the straight and narrow it was time to do a bit of hard time…. Its not going to be pleasant but you just have to get your head down and get on with it. Think about the amount of effort you put into gambling when you was gambling, you need to put that much effort and more to stay clean, having said that after a while you will see some light, debts get cleared, bills get paid, you sleep easier at night and most of all you will have the trust and respect of your loved ones back.
With regards to keeping a ***** of the days, yeah don’t bother with that, thats rubbish, I mean I don’t even keep track of the fact that its been 1544 days 14 hours 46 minutes and 17 seconds since my last bet ;o)
Stay strong
Cheers
CarlMy soul is back

[Anonymous]

Hi all
That’s the first time I’ve smiled in two weeks !!!
Very good Carl. Hope I can repay this energy in the future V et al.
Have to go away till Sunday now (lets just say I’d rather have crispy duck from the takeaway) and do not think will be accessing any computers apart from works and cannot risk that. So, stay strong everyone. I will not bet ( not any chance if I tried) and thank you for your support. It’s put in perspective very succinctly by both of you in your own unique ways 🙂
Cheers
Ed (that’s progress!)

[Anonymous]

Ps : please surrogate mum, send that story to the forum as New thread in its own right. Genius !!!!!!!

[ready2change]

Have a good weekend mate and keep up the good work
take care

[neva]

Ed, that’s great news that you’re smiling again! Even though you’ll be working, it sounds like gambling won’t be an option so enjoy the calm of not fighting any urges…even if work isn’t so fun. There are many ***** that I don’t want to be at work but working keeps me away from gambling.  I used to wish I had a job on the weekends too just so I couldn’t end up in front of a slot machine.  Don’t work too hard.

[Anonymous]

Dear Diary
Well I have to say, although I have not had any chance of gambling until I arrived home yesterday, the urge has been terrible. I was really craving a bet yesterday. It did not matter about my pact with myself or the forum not to bet. As we all know, we are intelligent, deceptive, cunning and downright wilful *****, feral like animals when the craving comes. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT !!! J
This in the past has always resulted in the normal response by me of having a splurge. Yesterday, I logged onto my diary and re-read the first message I wrote on here. Re-read some others too, like Carl (Fandangos), Colin of Brum, Geordies, BlueElvis, Katrina, R2C, Neva, Vera and others.  Although this did not alleviate the urge completely, it did re-focus my mind and DID bring back the intense and sheer agony of the ‘consequences’ that materialise each time I bet. I thought about the anguish I have given to my wife and the misery and devastation, I have caused throughout my past. At least this had the desire effect of helping my inner brain recollect the ‘how’ I always end up feeling. Well my disease infested little enemy……………….NOT TODAY. Barriers secure and memory sufficiently rebooted to defend what I have started.
This is day 28 and it will continue.
This forum is a fantastic place and all I can say is it’s a pleasure to be in the company of men and woman who are trying to conquer this evil conditioning that we have fallen under the spell of. Its funny because the country I have just been to, did not give me a single opportunity to gamble. I could have bought a device such as an android, that’s true and succumbed. But I did not. I can recall holidays where, even in sunnier nice places, I would sneak off to ‘be on my own and go on the internet for an hour to look at the football results’ or other quite sensible excuse, that my partner would not see as suspicious and then continue my clever little gambling, then come back to her, either smug that I’d won a bit of money, or ***** because I’ve just blown a load of cash and realise, it could have paid for things on a holiday that I would never dream of paying out for, like ‘that dream helicopter ride or that Michelin starred restaurant meal’.
When I think of the stupidity of these actions, I want to scream with the bitter regret and utter wasted time and what the gambling has taken from me. Yes, as others have said many time, its actually takes our souls, slowly, as if it was a friend who is always there, pretending to comfort, giving us releases of serotonin in the base of our brain, adrenaline rushes through our veins, our little supportive pal , always invisible to everyone else, but we know the comfort blanket is there, just urging us to go the bookies, log on, hit the casino, press the shiny button, listen to the sound of money dropping, shiny coins everywhere, the plethora of sights hitting out retinas, lights flashing…………WOW, how we all know our own particular vices so well. That my friends is the description I give to the ‘friend’ who has been there with me for 30 years !!! Do any of us want a secret friend  ???
I choose life. I want that fancy meal every time from now on instead of the £500 spin on red. What an absolute idiot I was. Its over. Not sure how often I will come on here. I will always, and I realise I will have testing ***** ahead. This disease may be with me always, that is a cross I may have to accept. But I will ignore it with a zealousness and keep remembering what it has taken from me and all of you.
Wishing you all the very best, not of luck, but of strength and willpower.
Cheers
Ed
Time to start living……………………………..for every single one of us. Its up to our ACTIONS now !! Today, I will not gamble.
 

[Anonymous]

Well, its March 01st and for the first time ever in 30 years, I did not gamble at all through the calendar month of Feb…………….feels good…………….and its the weekend. Normally a bad time for me with CG, not now.  Going on a weekend trip in the hills walking !! 

[p]

Way to go on not gambling. You are doing really really great.. keep going

[ready2change]

Great stuff with the bet free february Ed delighted 4 u and long may it continue adaat. Gud luck with the footie this weekend im not sure who use are playing but haha. Enjoy ur walking trip mate thatl be very theraputic 4 use great stuff

[neva]

WTG Ed!!! Getting through a month is fantastic!  Keep you guard up and remember all you have to worry about is today. Thanks for all your positive encouraging posts! I enjoy reading them. Sherry

[icandothis]

Hope your weekend of walking in the hills was a success.  Not gambling for one entire month is a great accomplishment.  Haven’t heard from you in a while.   Hoping all is going well.  Would love to hear from you.

[Anonymous]

Hi All
Nothing bad to report. No gambling and things OK. Back in the day to day humdrum of work, but thats a good thing. Don’t mind the horrible day to day hassles we all have with work………all the moaning has its place  !!!
I’ll leave this post with the one thing I will keep repeating over and over again to myself…….
Think of how you would feel if they banned gambling worldwide tomorrow; think about how you would live & what you would do with your day. It is about getting to THAT PLACE in your mind, as if gambling didn’t really exist. Imagine there was no place you could actually place a bet, think of those ***** you’ve desperately wanted to gamble, but it was impossible because you could not access a gaming facility/place was closed/internet was broken/lack of funds – We CGs have all experienced these………………………….Use those thoughts  !!!
Bye for now diary……………DAY ? don’t know and don’t care because I’m not gambling.
Just trying to live a normal life and that will be heaven for me……………..

[ready2change]

thanks for the post Ed and sound advice definitely gave me something to think about. Have a great weekend mate and keep doing what your doing its working adaat. Neither of us want any more of those dreaded chats with loved ones that all the money is gone again even typing that fills me with some fear. The only way for a stress free life is gamble free i remember being told at a G.A. meeting about 12 years ago that this programme is that simple you could miss it and it really is true. we can do this adaat

[neva]

Ed, I voted to allow Indian Casinos in our area. In fact, I couldn’t imagine why anyone would be against it.  My only experience with gambling was the couple of ***** I’d been to Nevada and I was so careful and always came home with money.  I had no idea how addicting it was and that I would waste years of my life and tons of money over the next 14 years.  I don’t think the casinos will ever go away now.  Too much money being made and too much greed. I would love it if the casinos/gambling shut down because of poor business but I think as soon as one of us finally stops the madness there are many others getting sucked in.  Not only will I imagine that gambling is banned world wide, I’ll pray for that to happen to save us all. 

[Anonymous]

Day 71 – ***** All
Hope this finds you well, no gambling to report and all is going well. Had a great time catching upin the UK and went for a couple of beers with friends I’ve known forever. Afterwatrds they all wanted to go and put a bet on at the bookies next door. I went with them, as felt it would have been awkward otherwise. I just sat down and watched everyone all around me placing bets and screaming at the TV screens showing dog/horse and football stuff. I know what the go through as I was the same for 30 years. I would always blame the horse or jockey or something for my bad luck, funny really,. and yet very sad. I have to say I was tempted in there and it was almost a test I was giving myself. I am so very glad I just watched and felt good afterwards. One of the lads came back to say ***** to my wife at Mums house. He said some flippant remark to my wife about wasting £30 in bookies and then said ‘that miserable sod’ meaning me, just sat there while the rest of them blew there cash. I watched her face, and she gave me a relieved smile…..
Anyway, back to work now and just ing continuing ODAAT
Wishing you all strength.

[vera]

would you go into the pub if you were an ********* Ed?
Just being the Devil’s advocate here!No judgement!!!!

[Anonymous]

Day 74 – No issues gambling related. All is well. Just getting on with life, good and bad, and enjoying each day. Still have thoughts of gambling, but guess they will always be around with me, part of a long term conditioning over 30 years. I’ll still watch the Grand national tomorrow  !!!
On the work front, looks like there will be job losses soon, so may be back to UK sooner than I had anticipated. Such is lifes rich tapestry. Will deal with it as it unfolds. Living in the present and me and the wife are just getting on with everyday things and I love that. Keeping my barriers well and truly in place with no complacency. I always just go back and re-read how I felt at the start of this journey. Keep going and fight this evil addiction. Days are getting better and better. I hope it gives others hope. I was the worst of all when it came to gambling. Keep fighting this everyone and I wish you ALL the very best and strength to battle, whatever the odds and difficulties you face.
Finishing for the weekend now and intend to have a nice takewaway tonight and enjoy sitting in and enjoying a simple life. It feels better that my gambling binges and stress, guilt and recriminations……………..
Come on summer !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

[velvet]

 
Hi Ed
Just dropped in too see how you are doing. 
My CG said to me some time ago that to test your addiction is not to accept it – so this is my message to you.   Supposing, just supposing all the noise and clamour in the bookies had triggered a response in your mind and distortion had kicked in – your wife would not have had that relieved smile and you would be feeling lower than a rattle-snakes belly.  
You are still in an early recovery and you are doing well – don’t push it.   I believe the friends you have known for ever would have had the greatest respect for you if you said ‘I am a CG and cannot go to the bookies with you’.   There is nothing to be ashamed about – you didn’t ask for, or want your addiction – maybe one of your friends also struggles as you did and ***** support.   We cannot know who is and who is not a CG.     
I am not a CG but I will not be watching the Grand National tomorrow, nor will I play cards – even for ******* because it is fun.   I don’t do the lottery, I don’t gamble.   I will be looking for your post after tomorrow and hoping that all is well.
To keep your simple life it is important to know that complacency is always waiting for the CG who goes with his mates because it would have been awkward if he had not.
I am not judging – I wouldn’t and I can’t – I just know I care
V

[Anonymous]

Day 76 _
Hi all, just checking in. Hope you are all well. Off for a stroll now in hills.
Odaat.

[ready2change]

Hi Ed your walk in the hills in switzerland sounds great. hope your job bes ok! i loved what you said about living in the present and you in the wife getting on with everyday things mate your on a programme adaat. im starting to get my heart back slips knock you for six. we can do this take care

[neva]

Great attitude Ed.  Happy to see you’re taking life as it comes and making the most of it. 

[Anonymous]

Just trying my best ODAAT. Still never easy and think of gambling often at the moment. When I analyse this I think its because I’ve done so long now without a bet that my brain thinks I deserve a bet as some sort of reward. I realise that this is absolutely crazy and i need to focus hard on whats really important. I think complacency sets in a little and is really dangerous. I write this but am not asking for advice. I know what I must do to keep clean, just wanted to write it down here, how tough it is at the moment.

[neva]

You are so right in the way our brains trick us into thinking we deserve to gamble as a reward for not gambling…doesn’t make sense but I’ve felt the same way before.  Maybe our brain forgets all the pain gambling has caused so we have to remind it.  As I keep preaching, set up barriers so you can’t get money to gamble so when your mind goes haywire you can’t follow through. 

[Anonymous]

Feel a lot better today. Hope you are all well. My choice is to not gamble today. I’m certain these ups and downs will come and go. I’m just trying to remember how bad I was and that will guide me through. Its so easy to forget the utter/dire/miserable state I was actually in and now feel 1000X better, so I’ll keep remembering and plough on forward and enjoy the better things I have been experiencing not gambling, like my trip to new york city in January !!Wishing you all strength

[ready2change]

your doing great Ed keep up the good work and youll have plenty of great holidays with the wife and those michlin 5 star dinners id settle 4 a sunday carvery haha. add up all the numbers on a roulette table and you get 666 freaky or what. celtics got a big match today use were very unlucky yesterday the reading keeper was unbelievable hopfully use can have a good summer in the transfer window its not easy for use atm. take care mate

[Anonymous]

Congratulations on 100 days, Ed.  I’ve been following your progress with interest and you’ve done a remarkable job.  Keep going … I know you’ve got another 100 in you.  All the best.  RG

[Anonymous]

100 DAYS ……………….
Finally made it to 100 days.  I am not sure how I feel really. I should feel elated and yet I don’t. Just glad I have stopped the cycle for this long and am hoping that with all my strength I will not fall into bad conditioning again….EVER. So what has changed. Well for one, its been a definite help writing on the forum and listening to everyones else on here trying to support each other. Secondly, I think I reached some level of despair that made me not want to go on with life anymore, I kept repeating the same cycle over and over and over. It was definitely killing me slowly mentally. When you read the stories the same as your own, you actually realise, its not just yourself going through this torture. We have all suffered to varying degrees. Its been a real stuggle at *****, but the biggest help of all has been my wife. We have put the barriers in place and it works. I know I could still access ‘things’ if I really wanted too, as I know the crafty deceptive, sneany cunning me still lurks inside eager to start again. But I just cannot go back, it would be my final nail.
My thoughts go out to all of you today. I hope BlueElvis is reading somewhere in the background and all the rest of you who have been so supportive.
I do know that I am slowly beginning to enjoy the simple things in life and do realise that gambling has only ever caused me hurt. So I have a cunning plan .
Keep reading on here from time to time and help others in whatever small way I can support them. Avoid money to the best of my ability as I will always be a Compulsive Gambler. See the good in people and ignore people who try to bring me down. Treat all people equally. Let nobody hurt me. try and never ***. Don’t hate. Never give up whatever the circumstances, there is always hope. Hold on when we think there is nothing else left in us, keep trying, ALWAYS !!
I do not know if I will gamble again in the future. I hope not and will use everything I have learned to date. Its still very early days in my journey, but I see the green shoots of hope. I will set myself a personal challenge to go to the West Coast of the USA next Sept/Oct and enjoy driving around and seeing new places with the sun on my face. That is something worth working towards and avoid gambling.
Take care all and keep fighting just ODAAT. Today I will not gamble.
Ed

[mythea]

Congratulations on your 100 days!! You should be really proud of yourself!!

[miles74]

Originally posted by uncontrolled
 
Thanks for the welcome Harry.
Day 2 – Not really anything to post, just bitterly regretting all the wasted time. I guess that another thing I’m struggling to come to terms with is the financial losses and all the things the money could have been used for in a more productive and better use. It feels like I’ve squandered a large chunk of my life, by this I mean time, on such a destructive ‘hobby’. My brain keeps saying the same thing over and over again……if only, if only, if only…..
However, I can never get that time back and it hurts bitterly. Even after time in prison, I thought, I would have developed enough sense to steer a better path. I am a CG and always will be. I can only allow myself to think one day at a time from now on. Every single time I have won money, it is never won. Its just waiting to be given back to the casino, bookie or whatever our vice is. I have fooled myself over the years were I spend the winnings on nice things and this psychology has made me feel better. But I know deep down that I will always start again and pump more cash and time and chase and chase………….till I’m drained.
Someone who has one bet, wins and walks away for good is how I would define success; anything else is just part of a journey that has many peaks and troughs but always ends up the same, heading downhill. At which speed depends on the person but everyone is the same.

— 23/01/2013 09:30:09: post edited by uncontrolled.
Hi uncontrolled, I have read your first and second journey entries and i wanted to write something back to you. I don’t think anyone (besides a clinical psychiatrist) could understand what you are going through.I only say this because you are not alone in your battle to over come this burden. I too have been effected by gambling over 14 years and have been through a similar story. I think you have to be reminded of the things that are so precious to you constantly everyday. at the same time understanding that the urge to gamble is ever looming, so when your emotions take a battering thats when your defenses are at it’s lowest. positive & negative emotions have the same effect on how you deal with the urge to gamble so staying neutral emotionally is the key. I hope that i have helped in some way by sharing a little bit of what i know, I hope you can find a way to calm the beast, and best reguards in your journey to find a way out. what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger.

[vera]

If you hadn’t stopped gambling one day at a time, you would never have reached the hundreth day Ed, so all we have to do is not gamble
TODAY

[paul315]

Originally posted by uncontrolled

100 DAYS ……………….

Good morning Ed,
Well done!  100 days is a milestone that is recognized in many activities; for one here in the States today is also the 100th day of our President’s second term — an evaluation is made by the news media on the progress on the 100th day of each 4 year term. My granddaughter also celebrates the 100 day of the school year with a project that involves 100 items.  
However, we here recognize your achievement with more reverence, your work has a greater value.  Again, well done.
God’s speed. Stay strong.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[p]

Wow congratulations Ed
you are going fantastic… yipppee to the gamble free life
P

[neva]

Congratulations Ed on 104 days!  That’s a huge milestone.  You’ve been a great inspiration here and your encouragement is always appreciated.  You deserve all the good things that will be coming your way.

[Anonymous]

Hoping all is well with everyone. Good weekend and keeping looking forward and thinking of one day at a time. Life is getting better and better. I can only say that not gambling is starting to really help me see changes that are for the better. I can only advise that we should all keep trying our very best to make the right choices. That is a gift that we do have…CHOICE. Today I choose not to gamble.

[paul315]

Originally posted by uncontrolled
 … a gift that we do have…CHOICE …

Good morning Ed,
It is good to see that you are enjoying the benefits of being gambling free, that life is getting better. The awareness of the changes in your life is supported by today’s Thought for the Day (see below). I know that for me it is the same, being able to live and think in more normal ways is one of the blessings that our addiction took from us.
We also need to know that we do have a choice, that this is our gift to ourselves. However, as with most gifts they have to be opened, accepted and put to use. While engulfed in this addiction we had little choice, but once we come to realize that our lives are unmanageable and that gambling causes growing and continuing problems — that we need help, we have reached an age of accountability where the choices we have are ours to make.   Like you and many others, "Today I choose not to gamble".
God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep aware.
 

Today’s thought from Hazelden is:

Often happiness calls but we are too busy to answer.
–Ellen H.

In the pursuit of happiness many people are too busy to find that which they seek. Frequently the happiness we so passionately desire is found in little events that are but whispered. If we don’t pay attention, we miss them.

There can be happiness in the way light falls through the trees. There can be happiness in the way our children call for us by name or in the familiar sight of our home as we round the corner two blocks away. Happiness weaves its way through precious memories and keepsakes that have no monetary value but are priceless to us. Many take enormous delight in the presence of a beloved pet, just the way it looks at us or the unconditional love it pours out upon us. For some, there is genuine delight in the taste of a specially loved food.

We are surrounded by that which can be meaningful and full of delight. The question is, will we be still and quiet long enough to enjoy it?

 LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[sookie]

I followed your journal and you have been an inspiration. Keep living the gambling free life mate!

[ready2change]

well Ed thanks 4 all your support mate. keep doing what your doing its working isnt it great adaat having none of them moments at the end of eastenders when the music comes on. Celtic playing the hibees at the end of may in the cup final i cant believe im going to say this but wouldnt mind if the hibees won they havent won the cup in over a 100 years felt bad for them last year when ther edinburgh rivals beat them 5-1 in the final. the hibees helped celtic out a lot 125 years ago when celtic was being formed. mind you during the game il probably not be as sympathic to the hibees haha but you know what i mean

[Anonymous]

Hi All
Hope all is well. No gambling to report. Everything going well and urges definitely diminishing day by day. Feeling really good and no complacency. Just getting on with a normal life, which I’m loving.
Ed

[neva]

Great post Ed.  Lots of good points and tools for all of us. We do have a choice to keep gambling or do everything we can so we can’t gamble.  I couldn’t hand my finances over to anyone else but I did the next best thing and made it almost impossible to get to cash for gambling.  That has proven to be my saving grace more than once! All the choices we make, an put into place, to protect ourselves from gambling, helps us make the choice to not gamble today much easier. You’re an inspiration to all of us. (I know I’ve said that before but it’s worth repeating.)

[Anonymous]

Morning Diary and fellow CGs !
Just wanted to say a big thank-you to all of you for helping me with my continuing journey, I would not have had the strength to face this without the folks on here. You have all helped me fight. Life is going well at the moment. Still have urges all the time but control mechanisms are still firmly in place ! Its strange, but part of my brain somehow manages to always forget the utter despair I was in and how that pain actually feels. If we coulod feel that pain all the time, I’m certain that we would never gamble…….ever !!!!! Such a clever thing the brain. Time to get living as they say at the end of the film in ‘Shawshank Redemption’
Wishing you all strength.

[ready2change]

hi Ed just thought id pop in and say ***** hope your in a good place mate. your so right about the brain its been playing tricks with me this last few weeks im in no mans land atm wouldnt wish it on anyone. Look after yourself il be thinking of you on the 10 of august when our 2 great clubs play in dublin. take care

[Anonymous]

Hi All
Its been a long while since I wrote here. Am glad to say that all is going well. Lost job a while ago and am taking time away (without access to my redundancy cash) with the Mrs and travelling for a few months. Life is really good and am not having any thoughts about gambling. Time is helping me alot. I remember some of my first posts and was in a really bleak place. Think of you all a lot still and log onto the forum sometimes to keep an eye on how everyone is. It has been really quiet on the forum, maybe nobody has problems anymore (if only lol) Not sure I’m overly enamoured with the new look site, its not very user freindly or intuitive). Hope all of you are doing OK, RTC, Vera,Velvet, P, Bettie, Harry and all the gang……………..I say a prayer for all of us.
Will need to get back to reality very soon and find a job, but at the moment, it can wait just a little while longer.

Take Care all

[ready2change]

Well Ed sorry 2 hear about your job but its great to hear how well your doing enjoy every moment of the travelling mate. Good luck with the footie tomorrow david moyes under pressure already. Weve a we game on tuesday night haha. Take care

[adele]

Hi Uncontrolled,

Great post! (except for the lost job of course – except now you’re travelling since you aren’t working! ) Ha…

Are you maybe having trouble posting on the new site?

I’m running around sharing a way that I figured out for getting my comments to post at the end of the thread instead of landing somewhere in the middle.

Here it is if you’re interested:

Don’t use the “Add new comment” box for typing your comments.

Instead, click on the dark purple “reply” button (next to the “Complain about a message” button) just under the last comment posted on the thread.

When you click on the “reply” button, a new window pops up where you can type in your comment. Then when you hit “Save”, your comment will post at the tail end of the thread like it’s supposed to!

This new site looks like it’s going to have some really cool features, and I think we’re all going to like them once the GT team gets all the kinks worked out!

Adele

[vera]

Hi Ed!
This is my third attempt at posting. Fingers x’d it will “sail away” this time!
Sorry about your job loss, but there is a reason for everything. Travelling on the redundancy money sounds far more sensible than pushing it into slot machines…I’m looking into early retirement too. The work is not worth the pay anymore. Too many deductions and its taking its toll on my health…How am I dealing with the stress…sorry and ashamed to say, Im escaping into the “other world!”
Thanks for posting to my thread ten days ago….If this doesnt deliver, I will…SCREAM

[vera]

OMG!
It did deliver!
My feet were crossed…or was it the cyber angels?

[Anonymous]

Dear All

Just want to wish you all a very merry Christmas. I arrived at this site almost a year ago and have to say, I was in absolutely dire circumstances. I have been a CG for more than 30 years and have already explained the financial cost. However it’s the emotional cost that scars more than anything. 12 months on what have I learned. Well on forums and communities such as this, people can help each other enormously. Just having the ability to put words down and vent feelings is enormously cathartic. I did not realise this at the time, but its so very true. I had watched from a distance at times and thought how stupid others were with all their problems, whilst I read and the fool in me just kept repeating the same learned patterns of gambling behaviour. So what have I learned :

Avoid complacency………….the biggest fear in my case. I have to avoid access to cash as best possible. Try and fill the unforgiving times with activities that I enjoy, such as music, films and walking. When the thoughts come, which they have often, do something , anything else ASAP. I know I have been tempted many times and have spent nearly every Xmas absolutely skint and feeling sorry for myself. And it always happened in a blur of beserk loss of control. For the very first time this year will be different. I have to say it feels magnificent. I still have a lot of monies to repay, but the are all being eroded slowly but surely. I also realise, part of my problem was my arrogance in thinking I could beat the bookies. Even after sustaining heavy losses in a day and lying, cheating and God knows what to elicit monies to gamble again, I always felt that the ‘big win’ was always just around the corner and it would sort out all my problems. The big win endorphin rush, the come downs. Believe me, it will never happen. Wins came at times and I was everyone’s best friend, splashing the cash, then came the huge losses, with the assuredness as night follows day. It is a humbling experience to actually analyse my behaviours this last 12 months. I have many regrets, but mostly the hurt I caused my wife. Mistakenly, I used to think the biggest hurt was the lost money. I really was a pathetic moron. I have let it go completely at last. My day can be filled with fun with things that cost absolutely nothing at all, the things that we all take for granted like seeing a blue sky, the sun on our faces. I must be getting old 

I am not great with words, so I just want to say thank-you to you all, wherever you may be on our small planet. Without all of you, I dread to think where I would be. I give you all a sincere cyber hug and wish you all the very warmest wishes in your recoveries.

As for me……………the journey continues  xxx

[desdemona]

Hi Ed! I read your thread and have to say that your story is inspiring. I`m so happy that your wife chose to stay with you and support you. She sounds like an angel. You have done brilliantly with your recovery. I`m of the opinion that this is a disease that can`t be arrested without support, as the disease thrives in secrecy. Wishing you a gamble free day and a lifetime of blessings. Carole

[Anonymous]

Hi Diary
Well I believe that I have been in recovery just over a year now and I have to say it feels great. When I look back at the utter despair I was in. I thought there was NO CHANCE whatsoever of any semblance of recovery. Life is much better. I still have debts to repay, but with the money I gambled, that was always inevitable. I see money in a different light these days. Don’t get me wrong, I still need it, but it is not my first and last thought of each day and how will I get some to fund my gambling. As you know, lost my job and did a bit of travelling with my wife. At one stage we were at the abyss, thought she would never forgive me, but she is a great lady and the love of my life. Still argue at times, but just the normal stuff !!!

I try and access the website as often as possible at it helps keep me stable. This is such a fantastic forum. Sometimes I stay away from it too, as I found near the start of my abstinence that I seemed to want to search out stories as dire as mine, as if that would make me in some way feel better about my predicament and the stories kept me too close to the thoughts of this evil. Its funny how the brain works. I watched a programme on gambling a few days ago and it was actually showing some frontal cortex of the brain being stimulated when shown FOBT spinning or gambling related activities, and crtain people were more affected than others. I am definitely one of them !!! the programme was trying to demonstrate the evil of gambling and that industry to keep us addicted. You cannot avoid the advertising, its eveywhere and a multibillion empire.

Anyway I must confess that I was very close a few time over the last year, but thankfully, I would come back to this forum and re-read the mess my brain was in and the sheer pain of the after effects of a super-binge (which in my case, was epic !)

God bless you all. Stay well and fight the good fight. Hopefully I will keep recovering just ODAAT. I wish you all peace from this evil in however recovery works for each of you. x

[ready2change]

Morning Ed congratulations on being a year gamble free today I hope i havent spoke to soon but im sure I havent. I know you dont like any fuss or attention but todays a special day for you you have done so well odaat mate you really have so be very very proud of yourself.
P.S liverpool were very very unlucky against man city and chelsea last month but a lot of the signs for use is encouraging. Take care

[velvet]

Hi Ed
I was drawn to your thread a year ago by your username. I was probably wrong but I sensed a challenge and not a submission. I knew that CGs could control their addiction and those who love them could refuse to allow the addiction to bring them down but on the other hand I also knew the courage it would take to control that addiction especially the fear of letting go. How glad I am that you did not submit but fought a battle royal against the forces that would have brought you down.
It is great that there are informative programmes that tell you how your mind is wired because it will help you defeat those who would seek to overturn your resolve. You are different and for me that is something that can make life more exciting – if you allow it.
You have got an amazing wife – it is always good to hear about someone who loves a CG but has come through and is living a life without the shadow of the addiction hanging over them. I would imagine there were many times when she doubted your love for her. Some time ago an F&F member put this on the forum

• Forgiveness isn’t condoning the behaviour.

• Forgiveness isn’t forgetting what happened.

• Forgiveness isn’t restoring trust.

• Forgiveness isn’t synonymous with reconciliation.

• Forgiveness doesn’t mean doing the other person a favour.

• Forgiveness isn’t easy.

Both of you have shown courage in the last year and the fight goes on as you know. I am so glad you know the forum is here for you and especially delighted that your posts give hope to so many.
I doubt I ever miss your returns to the forum and each and every post has left me smiling.
Thank you
V

[vera]

Well done on coming through a G free year Ed. It’s great to hear that you are no longer a slave to all the plotting and planning to secure a day out in the casino, knowing full well that it will turn into a crazy binge and that the House of Cards will tumble sooner or later and that we have to lick our wounds as we pick up the pieces yet again.
I have a theory that CGs will be reformed in two ways only. No.1 By some Miracle . Number 2 We just “burn out!” For me, gambling was Number one on my list of activities for years. Every wakening thought revolved around getting money to gamble,planning how to cover my tracks to account for long absences from home, sleepless nights adding and subtracting and “if onlying”! What a way to live.
Reading your post is a reminder that there is another life out there we are ready to sign up,odaat!
Good to see you dragged R2C out of hiding!
Welcome back, R2C!
Keep posting!

[p]

Well congratulations on your gamble free year.. it is always wonderful to read when another person makes it… it gives me hope. You are an example that a gamble free life is possible

P

[vera]

Just checking in to let you know you haven’t been forgotten, Ed!
GT is gone very quiet lately. I never know whether that’s a good or a bad sign. I find myself wondering what became of different people “is he/she still gambling/broke//fed up/too shy/scared or upset to come back, or are they just cured”. The advice given is to “look after your own recovery” but I don’t think it works like that. Once I meet someone, I can’t help wondering how life is treating them. I feel you’ve jumped over the difficult hurdles , Ed. I think you’re on the home run…odaat of course!

[ready2change]

hello just wanted to wish you luck with the run in mate really hope use do it P.s Guess who your manager supports 😉

[Anonymous]

Hi All
Just wanted to say hello to everyone. I don’t write many times now, but always read the forum. Every so single day it helps me. Life has been gambling free, but I still think about it every now and then. Not sure what to say. I’m not religious, but in my own way I pray that we can all escape the evil eventually. I will say that life is good and has improved exponentially in the past 18 months. Travelled quite a bit and now working in England. Family good. I thank my blessings.
Vera, P, Celtic, Velvet, Harry…….I could go on and on. All of this family, keep going g and doing the good work. Wishing you all the very best things that life can give. Choose life !!!!!!!

I remain a compulsive gambler fighting each day. Good luck all my friends.

Ed x

[vera]

Great to hear things are going well for you Ed….I’ve had my gambling ups and downs but mainly UPS! Thank God, I’m getting a bit of sense at last! Having enough money to live on is better than chasing our losses, knowing it will all end in tears! Too stressful!
No word from Celtic (R2C)
I worry about him!

[p]

Wow have wondered how you were going and it so great to read your post learning you have stayed gamble free.. wow that is just amazing. Good to hear from you and congratulations on changing your life round, keep it going.. wahoooo

P

[Anonymous]

Hello everyone,
Just a quick note to wish all of you well in our continual battles against gambling. I have managed to stay free of the devil, but have had urges over the past year. Just gone to a local GA group which has it’s good and bad points when the urges come and read all your stories on here.
Please forgive me for note writing and contributing often, but as I’ve sad in the past, I’ve found that the more I write, the less it helps my recovery. Life is going along really well and over time have started to appreciate and enjoy all the aspects of life that were so alien to me when I was signified in the gambling haze. Don’t get me wrong, I still think about it, that never seems to go away, but learning to deal with the thoughts as time passes. I just want to say simply that although it’s such a hard thing to stop, if you can, the rewards are amazing.
I won’t bore you with work etc, but let’s just say its okay. I also read that book that Geordie recommended, and found it inspiring, without wanting to sound like a complete chuffwit !

Wishing all of you fresh starts and happy lives.

Take Care my friends

Ed

[velvet]

Hi Ed
I was only thinking about you on Monday and wondering how you were doing – it’s great to see your post.
I am glad that your thread has come up to the top at the moment because we have a few new members who are writing much as you did in 2013 (jeepers -was it really that long ago!) and I think that everyone feels better for a positive post.
I remember how your username caught my imagination all those ‘one day at a time’ ago, I felt you were challenging yourself with it, the gauntlet was down and you rose to the challenge. I am glad your username wasn’t ‘chuffwit’, it definitely doesn’t have the same ring.
Your post is great Ed and I am so pleased that you continue to enjoy the life you fully deserve; hopefully it will inspire others to see that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. I fully understand why you don’t contribute more than you do but I do hope you will do the occasional post such as this – some of us never forget.
Velvet

[p]

So wonderful to see you are doing so well and living the gamble free life that is just amazing i am so happy for you.. hopefully see you round the place now and then

P

[uncontrolled back]

Just wanted to say hello to this wonderful community. I am still alive and kicking but forgot my password yonks ago !! I always sneak on to the site and read about how everyone is getting on and feel I am a part of you all (without sounding like a right nut job :-)…..)
Writing because for the first time in 5 years or so, I went to a Casino and gambled. Not proud of myself obviously and have fully abused myself for going with some friends. No real damage has been done, except that I wanted to let everyone know here that, for me, the urges never go away and it has been a warning, that I need to be aware of. Still with my gorgeous wife and life has been good these last years. Ups and downs, father died (Parkinson’s with dementia) and was close, so was a big blow. Mum is not great, but never complains.
On a lighter note, have been attending local meetings and that has helped a lot. Lots of new folks, but as you all know, similar stories to all of us.
It feels good to write and will not leave it so long in future.
I hope you are all well my friends.

Take care all and keep fighting just ODAAT. Today I will not gamble.

Ed

[velvet]

Hi Ed
There are some names that never go completely out of my mind and Uncontrolled has to be one of them.
I have thought about you many times and wondered how you were doing and although you have had a hiccough you are getting yourself back on track so keep going straight. I knew you could do it and you also know it now..
I’m sorry about your father, one of my dearest friends has Parkinson’s and I am finding it very hard to see him deteriorate. I am so pleased your wife stuck with you. I can never suggest to a family member that they stay or that they leave, we all have to make our own choice but you are doing well which justifies her faith in you.
Complacency is the devil Ed – you can give in to him and he can take everything away from you whilst promising you the earth. I am sure you will have thought about how and why he managed to knock you off kilter so knock him off your shoulder, kick him into the gutter and get back to enjoying your life.
Great post, you have made me a very happy person tonight.
Velvet

[uncontrolled back]

Just wanted to say hello and wish everyone on the forum good health. Been gamble free now since my last lapse which was approximately 2 years ago.

Good to see some of the same folks here. Will update in near future, suffice to say, life is good and every day not gambling is fantastic. The demons are always with me but we have to have our own personal blockers.

Hope Vera, Velvet, BlueElvis888 and all you beautiful folks are doing OK

Cheers

Uncontrolled

[Author]

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