[frozen assets]

Sunday, February 27th 2011
By now the last useless check is clearing my bank and once again the bills go unpaid. The priorities are backwards and creative excuses begin to fill my mind. Tomorrow I will contact all the companies that won’t see a payment this month and humor them with a new series of stories that explains my dilemma. Just for "Shock-Value" I would like to tell the truth and say "hey, I’m a pathological gambler with wild dreams of striking it rich" but I know there’s not a place on their form that has that excuse as a choice so I’ll stick with my old standby answer of Loss-of-Income to plead my case for non-payment status.
So easy to look back now and make the better decisions. What would have been easier? Not Gambling would have been much easier than the efforts it will take to contact 20 people and tell 20 lies. I could have closed my eyes for 5 or 10 minutes and visualized the pain of losing and the agony of hanging out with a machine for 10 hours, only to walk away with lint in my pockets and an empty cigarette wrapper. I didn’t close my eyes and let the urge pass. Next time I’ll close my eyes. Next time.
I could have done a thousand things differently for 30 years but I didn’t and so today, I ONLY HAVE TODAY. That’s all I got, this day and the ability to make the right choices for THIS DAY. There will be no steps for me. I have 1 step in my program and that is TO STOP.
Never again will I have to decide where to spend the points I’ve earned. Do I want that neon baseball cap in the gift shop or do I want to eat a free? meal at their excuse for a fancy restaurant? Never have to hunt down an attendant to open a machine and clear the paper jam so I can retrieve my ticket that holds a few dollars and the tip for the valet that retrieves my car.
So easy to look forward and spew about how things will be different; promises that have been made to self and others 100’s of times. This time it has to stick. You’re out of time, you’re out of money, you’re out of friends, you’re out of love, you’re out of work, you’re out of luck, you’re out of any meaningful thing. You’re out of breath.
So it was on this day a week ago that I lost my last friend. She took from me for years and never gave anything back. It was a one-way friendship and she enjoyed all of the glory and I took on all of the expense and pain. As I waved goodbye to her she lit up and flashed a jackpot to her next friend. I wanted to go back and warn everyone of the rules to the relationship; she wins, you lose. Instead I headed to the exit to choose my parting gift. 
Give me a dozen chocolate iced donuts. Yeh the ones that are warm.
Here’s my VIP card, keep the change.
All Assets FROZEN – Recovery is Near!
Peace

[frozen assets]

Began Month #4 with the behavior change. Thought I would be further ahead with some of the debt resolutions. Very disappointing to see such little progress and still a mountain of stress. I can understand the return to **** when you look at the insignificant amount saved when NOT engaged in the action. I will just have to believe that at some point when all of the big ones are done, that the smaller ones are easy. This is not my idea of fun but I’m sure that some day, I’ll look back and know the refrain was better for me (than the potential regret). Tough Tough Tough day to force the sensible thoughts. I could go on full tilt right now and throw more salt on the wounds. But I won’t. I refuse to.

[vera]

Maybe our "fun" days are on hold for now..
Thats what it means to be frozen…
SLOW recovery after the fast crash!

[Author]

Posts