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    • #131787
      maverick.
      Participant

      I have decided to start my final journal, the reason it’s my final journal is because this is my last chance to beat this addiction, the reason it’s my last chance is because I am making it my last chance, I cannot take anymore.

      Some of you will already know my story, I started gambling at about 14 years old it was a release for me into a fantasy world away from all the bullying I received, at that point in time it probably kept me alive as suicide did cross my mind. That’s how it started along with my first bet being a winning one (isn’t it always the case), life progressed and my gambling progressed with it sometimes heavy sometimes not this went on for years.

      Eventually I realised I had a big problem and probably admitted that and accepted that when I was around 34 years old about 10 years ago. I have been in and out of recovery for that time and with some good gamble free periods but I have never managed to kill the demon.

      This last month I have gone on a kamikaze mission and messed up big time, its all on me I have no one else to blame, I know that and I accept that, the way I felt yesterday I could have happily ended it all and I haven’t felt like that in a very long time.

      So that’s why this is my last chance I am not giving myself any more as I don’t deserve them, I know what’s right, I know what’s wrong and it’s simple, I can’t go back to gambling, I don’t want to go back to gambling it will kill me one way or another.

      I have created a massive hole in many ways financially being a big one but I know deep down if I don’t gamble I can pay off my debts and support the family.

      Today is day 1, just for today I will not gamble, I hate the person gambling makes me, I like the person I am when I don’t gamble.

      I wish you all well and hope you all have a great weekend, stay strong and enjoy life we only get one chance at it.

      Maverick

    • #133888
      maverick.
      Participant

      Just for today I didn’t gamble, just for today I am well pleased, stay safe and well all.

    • #135451
      Dunc
      Keymaster

      Morning Maverick

      Many years ago we spoke about residential treatment… Have you had any more thoughts on this

    • #135774
      maverick.
      Participant

      Hi Dunc,

      Nice to hear from you and I hope you are keeping safe and well, yes I spoke about it again with someone very recently as I think it would benefit from it massively and I believe it would change my life, I have a few obstacles in the way currently as work full time and it would be impossible for me to have 12 weeks off, as much I have messed up financially while I am working I can still support the wife and kids.

      I am trying to come up with a plan as I really think it would be a life changer and with the way I am I need to try and make it work somehow.

      Thanks for the post, day 2 today, no gambling thoughts, I have cut up all my cards so have no access to money, I feel happy and relieved knowing I can’t cause any damage today.

      Have a great day all

    • #137240
      maverick.
      Participant

      Just for today I didn’t gamble, today was amazing I spent time with my son just doing normal stuff and really focusing on him we had a fantastic day, usually I would be with him but my mind would be else where, see how much I was up or down from the many sports bet I had made earlier in the day and then getting wound up about what was going on with them.

      It was a great feeling today, peaceful, nice, stress free and priceless.

      Today I see the difference between gambling and not gambling, I am very grateful to be alive and still have my wife and kids in my life.

    • #137289
      Dunc
      Keymaster

      Hi Maverick, we are also running a new smaller less intense version, have a look at this and feel free to come and talk

    • #137607
      kathryn
      Participant

      Hiya Mav,

      You got this friend, I can hear the determination in your words.

      I’m not going to give you any advice, you know it Mav, we have lived it, but I am throwing all my support your way.

      I’m living proof, 12 years, it can be done and you deserve it all.

      Time to live, gambling has no place in our lives, it’s your time now. You and your beautiful family.

      Just for today. That’s all you need to do right now, the rest will happen in time.

      Cheers from Oz!
      Love, K xxxx

    • #154520
      Losingitslowly
      Participant

      Maverick, determined is a good state of mind to be in. I find that is helpful to keep a daytimer. I jot down all of the things that I have done and want to do. I account for my time. I keep busy ( mostly by working 2 jobs) but I also keep up.on things around the house and in the yard so that I feel accomplished at the end of my day. It’s not enough to just not gamble everyday as it’s hard to keep defining yourself in terms of gambling and live outside its domain. live in a world that is not necessarily defined only by what you dont do but what you do do as well. Time with your son is a good example. I’m not going to suggest starting a hobby because it always sounds so lame, but think in terms of someone who doesn’t have a gambling problem. What do they do in their spare time? I am catching up on building my backyard and garden in time for summer. I started it years ago but then something else took it away from me and now I want it back. I revel in my progress every day that I do something productive and my daughter sees my attention. I am getting better, a little bit at a time, and although I may falter, I am 100 times better than last year. Next year I can ne 100 times better than today. I’m not expecting to be perfect at this point so dont try to put that on yourself. Do what makes you forget about gambling every day. Get a second job if you must. Just make steps towards something and not just away. If you need a direction, forward is always a good way to go. Good luck today

    • #154531
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Maverick

      So good to see you post to others but please, please give us an update on you.

      As Ever

      Velvet

    • #154532
      maverick.
      Participant

      Hi Kin, losingitall and Velvet, its so nice to read your posts and being very honest I wasnt going to post on here but always feel the need to help and support others when I see posts on this forum (I am very slack and dont read enough currently but promise that will change)

      Being honest since my last post I have had a total nightmare, as always mostly my own doing, always working hard and paying the bills as I always have but been in and out off gambling not seeming to exhaust my addiction as I know I can with the correct tools.

      I am opening up with all my heart now and that wasnt the plan and I am in risk of exposing myself but I will take that chance in the hope this share helps others as I also known it will help myself, I have to start by saying many times I have been a compulsive liar (the reason I state this is because this post is 100% truth and you will have to take my word on that), I have said many times if I dont stop gambling like I did it will kill me…..well that statement is so very true !

      About 7 weeks ago I went on a mad gambling spree (usual excuses many family and also work stresses I couldnt cope with life and just hit my go to setting….gamble like a mad man to get my brain out of the real world), anyway this went on for 3 x days and the next morning in the early hours I had a heart attack at home in my bed, I got rushed into hospital the usual test, ECG showed I had a heart attack, the troponin levels after 3 x blood test were all sky high indicating I had a massive heart attack and being truthful it felt that way I can promise you, so I was in hospital awaiting an angiogram (where they put a camera in to check your heart), the consultant said you have either serious heart damage or we may be lucky and just have to insert a stent, they did what they did and when carrying out the angiogram (I was awake and talking to the consultant), he couldnt see any heart damage and when the dye went through the arteries all flowed free and well, when he was talking to me he couldnt really explain but put it down to massive stress and suspect causing one of the arteries to close and then release at a later date, I have to 100% put this down to the stresses my gambling caused me, I share this to explain this addiction kills us in many different ways, I could never believe my gambling would cause me to have a heart attack and nearly kill me, but it does and we dont understand the stresses we put on the body, I am not old I dont mind sharing I am now 45, this recent turn of events really knocked me for six, I cannot lie there were other things adding to the stresses in my life but my gambling was the main issue and I know that foe sure.

      I am slowly on the mend, but really felt the need to share this as it is so important to explain, gambling can and will kill us in many different ways if we let it, I will keep trying to stay gamble free one day at a time but currently I am just trying to stay alive one day at a time but by staying gamble free that helps my cause.

      Always wish you all my very best

      Maverick

    • #154563
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hi Maverick I commend you on getting vulnerable and open with us here. It’s not easy to do at all but in truth it may save your life. I’m sorry to hear of your health scare and glad your doing better now. I hope that you keep posting and allowing yourself to be open more. It’s that connection to people that gives us the opportunity to change our ways and what better place to do it but with like minded individuals. Wishing you a speedy recovery in both aspects.

    • #154662
      Dark Energy
      Participant

      Hi Maverick,
      it is sad to hear about your health issue I hope you recover soon, and I agree with you about the health impact of gambling, for me because I am addicted to leveraged trading so the relapse is not a day period that lasts some times to 2 or 3 weeks, during that I barely slept for a 1 or 2 hrs every day, and a lot of gambling stress in addition to the normal life stress that will be elevated because I will be fully occupied by following the charts, I recall that I had a car accident because I was following the charts on my mobile while I am driving, and I can recall two or 3 other cases where I managed to avoid accidents at the last moments because of the same thing. also, the lack of sleep is really impacting my health, I remember many times after a few weeks of trading I reach a degree where it looks like my brain is forcing me to lose everything as this is the only way to rest (it looks like a survival mechanism that will be triggered at a certain point).

      I hope you all the best.
      keep posting.

    • #155117
      maverick.
      Participant

      Thanks for the posts all, really is appreciated.

      Kin to answer your questions I am not coping very well, I know what I need to do, I will get into a good mind set and will continue to fight this addiction, we all know it kills us in many different ways, the simple things in life are so very wonderful but our gambling hides all the beauty.

      Take care all and I will share again tomorrow, been a very long hard day, wish you all well and never stop trying.

    • #160428
      kathryn
      Participant

      Hi Mav,
      I’ve always been drawn to your thread, I’m sure it’s the top gun name (yes I love that movie)but friend, how are you? How’s your health? You have been through hell and I hope you are on your way to a better life.
      Just keep swimming….there’s life to be lived. And every day is a new beginning!
      Love K xxx

    • #160459
      maverick.
      Participant

      Kathryn my dear friend, what timing you have and thankyou very much for your post, I really hope you are keeping well, always loved sharing with you.

      Quick update but will promise to post more tomorrow, life (for all of us) is full of troubles and there have been many these last few months, I haven’t been dealing with them very well and yesterday I relapsed in a big way, I don’t know why I always go back to what I know will always cause me (and others) pain and suffering, I promise you all I am not a bad person and also promise I have a good heart (deep down).

      I know not what to do but I do it anyway, it’s all me no one else to blame, you know what I also know and can see when I don’t gamble I am such a better person and human.

      All will be well I will keep trying and this time do things differently, hard pill to swallow with the damage I did yesterday but I must change and I will.

      Thanks again Kathryn for your perfectly timed post its just what I needed, always wish you well, take care and my best to you and the family.

      Wish each and everyone of you my very best.

      Take care

    • #189029
      kin
      Participant

      Hi Maverick,

      I have miss your presence here.
      The past is history, it is over.

      I am very glad that you are back.
      You have abundant experience journaling here

      I am really looking forward to your latest update on your progress.

      • This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.
    • #189046
      kin
      Participant

      Hi maverick,

      Don’t lose heart!

      Just because you lost a battle does not mean you lost a war.
      You may have to fight the battle more than once to win the war.
      Sometimes by losing a battle, you find a new way to win the war.
      Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat.

      When life gives you a second chance
      Don’t take it for granted
      Don’t waste the chance
      Don’t repeat the same mistake.

      Don’t give up
      You will find a way
      You can do it
      Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying
      Never give up on yourself

      Don’t give up
      It won’t be easy
      It will be worth it

      • This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.
      • This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.
    • #190205
      kin
      Participant

      Hi maverick,

      I hope you are OK.

      Thinking of you.

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