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    nomore 56

    It is 6.30 pm and another day is almost over, thank god. Such nice weather here today, a true Indian summer and a couple more days of that to come. I should have enjoyed the afternoon out in the yard by the pool (sounds fancy, it is just an above ground one) as I usually do. Find it very hard though to relax and simply take in the sunshine with a good book and a cool drink. Seems like I am unable to find joy in anything anymore. I feel numb and dead inside, no real feelings besides being sad and angry at times. My husband is with his family because his youngest brother has only a couple of days to live. My brain tells me that this is terrible and that nobody should have to go through that at the end of one’s life. But then again, I don’t really feel it. Does that make me a bad person? Don’t think so because that is just who I am and always was. I have trouble with empathy, the real kind not the one your brain cells tell you is what you are supposed to have. I have seen many counselors and therapists and they always blame that on my depression and anxiety but in reality it has never been any different for me. I can say the right things and act the right way of course but my brain and my soul seem to be disconnected just like a severed spinal cord. I suspect I have some kind of personality disorder but nobody has ever addressed this issue. I just got prescriptions for chemically induced happiness. When my husband was gambling I was very busy with the usual, codependency, enabling, anger, resentment, keeping the money safe etc. When he moved out and entered treatment and then got his own place, there was nothing left anymore. Just me. I crashed badly and have not really recovered from the sudden vacuum that sucked me into desperation. Over time I tried to rebuild myself and worked on my goal to buy my own home, to actually find peace and contentment and refuge from my constant fear of losing the ground under my feet again. Sorry, this is redundant but belongs here. When that last bubble burst I had nothing left. No matter where I turn I see no way out. And there is none when it comes down to it. I would love to leave this godforsaken country and am bound by legal matters re our finances. I would love to move closer to my friends, the few I have here but can’t find a place to rent. I would like to find a part time job but can’t because I am on a disability pension. The only way for me to prevent a total break down is to disengage, to disassociate from everyone and everything. If nothing has meaning I will not be hurt again. So I live a zombie life, checking off the days as they come and go because there is nothing to look forward to anymore. I will go home next month for 3 weeks to be with my family and friends and don’t even feel happy about it because I know I have to leave them again and will not be able to go back for at least another year. I have never been able to live in the moment, that is not in me and is not part of my culture and believe me, I tried really hard. It sounds preposterous but I keep thinking that the catastrophe my husband created could not have happened to a worse person than me. I never found it easy to trust someone and now I don’t at all anymore. I don’t like myself too much, never have really and find myself very tiring. I DON’T WANT TO LISTEN TO MY OWN THOUGHTS ANYMORE! But whatever.

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