To disappoint yet again the faces of loved ones and those alone
I shut myself up behind dark curtains and blinds
A broken man full of delusion
The weather matters not nor the time nor the occasion
The world he inhabits so full of confusion and empty dreams abound.
FOR FUCK SAKE he roars at the risk that he takes in that bet that he makes as he sees it go wrong,
A sound from above, from a person he loves as she shuffles about
in uneasy doubts.
The atmosphere of dread whilst they are all in their beds he hopes for a respite from the hell of it all.
The holidays that never were, the hobbies and fun things for which no money was spare, the weeks that cannot be retrieved the months that cannot be changed the years that float on by as your life is wasted in pitiful indulgence.
He cannot look in their eyes ,the pain the hurt the sense of pride that should have been for their Dad who lied and cried for the misdeeds and selfish abandon.
A sadness so great that words cannot dissipate nor denigrate the hopelessness of addicted state…