[harmaz]

I am new in this forum. I am an addicted gambler, i don’t know for sure what type it is.
nEitherway I see my selfesteem, money, relationships slipping away infront of my eyes.
nI have been gambling for 9 years now. I tried a therapy one time. I did it in secret from my wife and friends. It elped for a while untill i relapse
nand salt to my wound. I decided to log my journal in the hope that i will one day (hopefully sooner) quit gambling.
nI relate to most of the postings in this forum.
n
nWhat does my gambling cycle looks like:
nI will start with the calm days. I go to work 4 days a week i spent one day taking care of my son.
nI do my part (we have an unofficial agreement with my wife on who does what). There is no problem untill pay-day. oh the craziness starts from the eve and the day i got my salary I either sick or have unexpected guest and i am off work. Next thing I am at the doorstep of a casino which is not far away from where I live.
nBefore I know it all the money is gone (the only positive thing is i keep putting my part to our common account before i gamble). Then comes the guilt and heavy smoking.
nI usually tell my wife i have bad day at work. After days or so I promise to myself that it will never happen again and start my calm life.
nMy wife has her suspects that I gamble but I always have a reason to make her believe that it is not. Such as, I am helping my sister or my friend.
n
nThis month it happened as usually and am already in debt. I am not sure what i have to do. I surely want to stop, and be honest,
n financially safe and healthy to my self and my family. The self promise and therapy doesn’t help.
n
nok so what is my status:
n1. Debt 8000Euro from bank (was 20000 but monthly paying it from salary)
n2. Debt from lender 500Euro + 150Euro interest
n3. Debt from a friend 6000Euro
n4.Debt from relative 4000Euro
n5.Debt from brother 10000Euro
n6. late bills 2 x 125 Euro insurance cost
n7. Communication: have not spoken with my family (except my wife with whom i live )

[dunc]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

n

[Enough808]

I can certainly relate to your struggles. I have found keeping a daily diary helps and reading the stories of others to know that I’m not alone in this and the success stories to know that it is beatable. I wish you the best and stay strong.

[harmaz]

Yesterday I borrowed extra 200euros from a private lender. Originally I was hoping to use it for my daily expenses. Then comes the little sound inside my head ” try the online casino on one of the sites you recently signed on”. It took me half an hour to start depositing. 20,30,30,30…. at the end I am back to broke miserable.
nAt this moment I feel hopeless, access to money is my main problem as I see it. But what do I know I am compulsive gambler. Some years ago my therapist said I should tell my wife and hand her the financial control. I still don’t want to tell my wife. Under perfect case scenario I want to cleanup my mess and behaviour and moveon. I am both ashamed and terrified that my wife will be broken and eventually leave me. Look at how I think, I am probably the most selfish person, after being a crap husband, it is still about me me me.
nI am not sure what I am going to do i don’t see any hope on my behaviour nor do I have a concrete plan.
nWhy why why…. Why is it so difficult to control my acts when all I is bad outcome. During my therapy my therapist mentioned that it could be genetically I am more prone to addiction. As much as I don’t want to believe that it is ringing a bell.
nI am starting to mix up things by going back all the years from my collage times. What was my thinking? Does my therapist’s point has a merit?
n “Oh just while writing this my wife is so positive and kissing me for good day as she head to work. Poor babe you have no idea how dishonest and idiot your husband is”
nBack to my early memories, I grow up in Africa and from low income single mother. so there was no really much access to money as we don’t had it. It is also illegal to gamble there so there are no casinos but I use to hear stories that there were private poker gambles. Nevertheless, I remember going every weekends to play BINGO, which was allowed. And the going is not that troubles me but the line of thoughts I had was to get more money by hoping my numbers will draw. Fast forward to my Europe life, I come to study masters and I was always curious to go to casino.in the first three years I never went because I was scared and shy to go there alone. After three years I start working and then one day we were going to cinema with my work buddies and before the movie start one of my colleagues suggest we go to nearby casino. We all went in and played for like 10mins. That was the first time I stepped in in to an actual casino. That day I did nothing just saw all the arcades and roulette and was fascinated. Then after, I start to go to the casino by my self and soon I start to lose my money and that was the beginning of my end. I have moved to 3 different cities for work and all the times I managed to find casino around me.
nOne day I was unable to go to a casino and I asked my self is there an online casino. Indeed there are a lot of them. At first I didn’t trust the online thing but then I start reading reviews and selected one site that is trusted by the locals. I was amazed how easy it is. Anyway, then the compulsive behaviour become apparent and all my credit cards were on limit. I even start to use my wife’s,then girlfriend, credit card. At first year of my gambling I realised this is not going to work and closed all my credit cards and gave back my wife her credit card. But still I was using my salary effectively on gambling.
nEnough for now…. I don’t even know why I am off-loading on who ever reads this, what a pethathic person am I.

[Meghna83]

hello,

you are in the grip of your addiction and it seems you are still feeding it.

Your therapist is right, come clean to your wife. you cannot battle this disease by yourself. imagine yourself as a sick patient who needs medication.

allowing the lies to continue with your loved ones will Blow up in your face one day. I am sure that’s not what you want. 

join the zoom meeting to start your recovery 

https://gamblersinrecovery.com/?s=

[Author]

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