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    • #53098
      nilesinctown
      Participant

      Hi. I have read some of these forums over the years, when things are bad, but have never posted in here.
      I am 37 years old. I am a compulsive gambler, and my life is all but ruined.
      My goal is to write in here every day or two. I have been on other forums before when things are bad, but as soon as things improve I stop.

      My story is a long one. I started gambling when I was 20 years old, playing online Texas Hold Em when I was in college.
      I had turned my $20 into $200 in a matter of hours, which was a huge amount of money at the time.
      The dreams of doing this as income then entered my brain, those “illusions / delusions”. I played college sports, and I missed practice that morning
      by staying up all night playing. I eventually lost it all on a bad hand. I was mad, and I wanted more.
      I ended up putting in about $100 or so, which in college was a ton of money.
      It was soon gone. I should have realize then that this was an issue.

      Now for my most recent bet, and my present situation, all caused through repeated gambling over the years.
      I am presently in the middle of a bankruptcy, all debt accumulated from gambling (over $100k).
      I have been divorced for over 5 years, because gambling ruined my marriage.
      My children live with my ex 8 hours away, and I only see them 20% of the year. I love them so much, and beat myself up about not being in their lives.
      I have $0 in my bank account, and am in for four payday loans. I just got paid Friday, so have no cash for the next 10 days or anything.
      I am behind in my mortgage payment by two payments.
      I owe my parents $10k, and my grandfather $2k, all for gambling loans.
      My girlfriend knows about my gambling, but when I tell her about this episode (which is 1 month since my last), I fear she will leave.
      She is excited about a trip we planned next year, which is going to be tough for me to pay for given all this.
      I need to focus on me right now, but I love her and do not want her to leave.
      My last bet was about 4 hours ago. I want it to be my last. Oh god do I wish this.

      I feel like I am barely hanging on. Recently, when I experience some of my losses, thoughts of ending it all enter my head.
      My rationale takes over as I know I have things to live for, but they are becoming more frequent.
      I have been to GA. I have done hypnotherapy. I have gone to counselling. And I always convince myself to come back to this terrible world of gambling.
      It seems so simple. “Why not just stop?”.
      I hate this disease. My girlfriend thinks I need to find faith. She might be right, but I want help.
      And after this next 3-6 months, when that glimmer of light comes back, and the “come on just one bet” enter my head, I want to stay strong.
      I hate this so much. I almost feel good for losing it all last night because I can’t bet again.

      I am sitting here in my bedroom, a 37 year old man, crying my eyes out. Thinking about all the pain I have caused to others and myself.
      I feel worthless. I feel like a loser. I just want this pain to end. I wish it could be 6 months from now. Or 2 months ago when I was 6 months clean.
      I guess this is my Day 1, except it has only been 4 hours.

      Sorry for the long writeup.

    • #53099
      Steev
      Participant

      It is good that you have posted although it is hard to read your story – I can relate to much of it.

      I also felt worthless, not so much when I was first “in action” but after I had made the pledge to stop and then I found I couldn’t. It took me about 10 years from my first visit to GA to actually stopping (for almost another 10 years so far.)

      What made the difference? Deciding to put as much, if not more energy into my recovery as I did into my gambling. I didn’t just go to GA weekly – I went every night if I could and really got involved with the fellowship. On top of that I did counselling, co-counselling, I went to self-help groups. Did lots of reading, kept a journal. I put EVERYTHING into my recovery. I had to. I knew I wouldn’t make it if I didn’t. Eventually I was able to take the foot off the accelerator and lead a more normal life – but I think for a year or two I was a recovery addict. No regrets – it worked for me.

      So you know the ropes with counselling, GA etc. Telling your partner would be a good move and involve her in your recovery – BUT get advice about when and how to tell her. It is better it comes from you than her finding out some other way – but you might want to wait until you can show you are on the recovery path.

      Keep posting here and it would be good to see you in support group as well.

    • #53100
      Monica1
      Participant

      Welcome to the forum. You describe well the pain of compulsive gambling. Every one of us on here has tried things, a number of times and didn’t stop. I would go to counselling, go home and start all over again. I did three lots of counselling.Then one day, the pain becomes too much to bear and doesn’t go away. It makes us ill and the rollercoaster you describe seriously messes with our mental health. That is, for me, when i had to stop. Live or die. That was the choice. And that is when I came here which has worked for me. Your story sounds to me like the end throes of an addiction just before the dawn when we make that decision. You can recover your life, you can have many good days. But like me, a lot of financial damage was done. Which I live with daily.
      Steev advice is sound. If I can do it so can you. Seek out support, go to the groups here. Gambling brings nothing but pain and misery. Even a win is a loss.
      And I rediscovered my faith in recovery, it works and helps.

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