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    • #13625
      sunny123
      Participant

      hello friends,
      yes i am another one having the similar story to many of us.. but still among normal people.. it looks so different from everybody else. nobody else can understand why i cannot stop gambling when it has put me through so much trouble in the past.
      started gambling nearly four years back.. cannot remember the exact date when started taking interest in the stock markets.. found another way of making money..infact multiplying money.. till then never bought even a single lottery ticket in my life.. and life was never the same again.. all the savings of me and my wife was transferred to the stock markets and then i started gambling on stocks rather than investing as i could multiply it many fold.. and to add to it.. introduced to online casino by friends for fun..
      the money vanished quickly and from 25 p bet.. i went upto £ 500 bet.. made money few times but never left without loosing the last penny.. hit rock bottom.. wife helped and got rid of the credit and debit cards.. joined GA and gradually came back to senses but our relationship was never the same again. had few small relapses here and there but as never had lot of money to play with.. so did not loose too much..
      things got worse for last two months .. as we are undergoing divorce.. so managing money myself and as not gambled for nearly a year.. got confident that i dont get the urge again and the money i was saving for the tax. went to the stock markets again.. margin trading.. multiplies quickly but vanishes quickly.. made lot of money infact would have made up of all my previous losses but could not take it out and ended up loosing more than £50,000 in  a single day.. cried like a baby.. was nearly suicidal.. somehow recovered but still kept doing it whole month after taking a loan and loosing it all again.. today managed to loose all my months salary in few hours and now it is enough.. cannot take any more and getting rid of my card once i get the small amount of left over money from the trading site.
      i dont regret that much for the fact that i relapsed but i regret more that i left GA and thought that i recovered from gambling after knowing it well that one bet will lead to square one.. tomorrow will be better than yesterday.

    • #13626
      sunny123
      Participant

      for some reason, day 33 is more significant to me than the new year.. only i can reflect back on the year gone by.. i was gambling this time last year.. stopped in the middle of january and then remained gamble free till the last week of september.. worked very hard during gamble free time.. though drifted apart from wife.. had three nice holidays with my family in turkey, egypt and india, needless to say that all was possible due to my long gamble free time.. then messed up everything with my relapse and somehow managed to control it for few days but then made it worse by trying to recover some of my loss and ended up taking loan from the bank and blowing up all the money i was saving for the tax..
      glad that found this site and now reached day 33.. again got motivated to work harder.. and this time i am recovering rather than just stopping my gambling.. and it is making a big difference.. my only resolution like most of us CG is to remain gamble free.. but i just dont want to "remain", i want to progress in my recovery to be a better person..
      problems in my personal life keep playing up every now and then and will play a big part this year as the day of my divorce is coming near, i am not fighting for anything with my wife and left things to herself.. so it has improved relations between us. i am only worried about my kids.. as i love them a lot and struggle if i dont see or talk to them everyday. i hope after changing my home, i will be nearer to them and will be able to see them more frequently..
      it was difficult to motivate myself again to start working hard and concentrate on all these issues which cropped up at the same time and you all played a big role by offering your constant support in the initial struggling phase when the urges were strong and i was very weak. still feel sad for whatever happened in last few months.. wish i could have learnt the lesson before..
      hope that 2012 bring joy, happiness and contentment for all my fellow CG’s here.. you have been my only support and i am grateful for that. tomorrow will be better than yesterday.

    • #13627
      gunner27
      Participant

      Hi Sunny, here’s to a great 2012. You have already been a tremendous support to many people in the short time you have been here and shown much insight, tomorrow will be better than yesterday because you keep learning and growing, I’m really pleased for you the progress you have made in just 33 days.

    • #13628
      caron
      Participant

      Sunny,   I have regrets too.  wishing I had not wasted my time and money gambling.  I acknowledge the feeling and let it go.  We can’t undo the past.  It is the past.  Recovery is a way of life. It is a new way of thinking and acting.  It works if we work at it.  It is not easy.  But it is the only way.  Keep strong, Keep focused.  You are doing great.Life is what you make it, always has been, always will be.

    • #13629
      sunny123
      Participant

      lots of things going on in mind.. once i start thinking about my kids.. i find it difficult to resist to try again to convince my wife.. i called her twice this morning.. only to end up feeling bad about myself.. her list of accusations are long and she cannot leave the past behind.. it some ways prompt me to give up on recovery and when i was in action. that used to be my excuse, but now atleast at present.. i am not having any urge to gamble.. may be all these tax problems and other things have occupied my mind, so there is no space left for them.
      the only thing which gives me happiness is my capability to work hard.. i have excellent relation with all my staff members and they are the only people whom i meet in real life apart from this virtual family. loneliness is one thing, which gradually creeps in, and that was the one reason for my relapse last time.. i have seen that tiredness and boredom also played a big role and may be the satisfaction of making extra money also gave me encouragement to gamble.. i am trying to list my triggers so that i can find things to deal with them.. last night, i finished at midnight, very tired but still not wanted to go to bed straight away.. in my gambling days.. that used to be the time, when i used to start looking at the markets and planning for my bets.. yesterday i started watching movie on my phone and my temptation to look what is happening in the world just vanished..
      once my finanical situation gets little better, i will try to start running again.. used to go last year in the morning.. that is also satisfying and relase lot of serotonin in the brain to make me happy.. there are two types of people here on the site these days.. one who are very determined and making all efforts to keep progressing in recovery and then there are few who just want to have some short term support and answers and then go back.. i must say that i was the second one for nearly a month in november,, used to come,, read few posts, never wrote and used to calm down for a moment and then go back there again .. loose everything again. then come back.. read few stories.. go back..
      i am glad that i am hooked on to it now.. and may be first time.. i am realizing that recovery is not just stopping gambling.. have a good day.. thanks for reading..tomorrow will be better than yesterday.

    • #13630
      dchoye
      Participant

      Sunny , I hope this year will be better than last year.
      I enjoy chatting with you this past month.
      I have some similarities to your story as I also have 2 young children, and also having some martial discord. Recent arguments and talk of separation tends to make me more likely to gamble.
      I also never gambled until I got interested in the stock market during the tech boom and bust of the nasdaq market in the late 90s and early 2000 years. I too, was memorized by the possible exponential growth of the stock prices.
      I stopped being obsessed with”playing” the market about 5 years ago. Maybe the market dried up after the nasdaq crash. Maybe I was too tired of the hours i spend researching the industry and companies that would never match the insider info that others could gather that were in the stock business. Maybe I convinced myself there is manipulation of the prices of commodities and stocks . Maybe I created losses and was to stubborn to admit to myself till now.
      One of my accounts had no activity for many years.
      I just closed it recently . I kept it to as a painful reminder of the few valuable stock holding I had that were now essentially worthless and how I was a fool to get involved in the markets.
      I still dream of having extreme monetary success like a George Soros or a Warren Buffett but that is just a dream….that’s not my life….and I have to live my own life.
      keep with the journaling Sunny , i enjoy your dairy and hope to chat with you again.

    • #13631
      vera
      Participant

      Just to say I’m thinking of you Sunny, and I hope you are doing well!

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