Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum Friends and Family The Wife of a Problem Gambler…Trying to save my family

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  • #3876
    Joni
    Participant

    Hi my name is Joni. My husband is a recovering alcoholic who has now turned to gambling to replace his alcohol addiction. He has always had a gambling problem even before when he was drinking…just now it is EXTREMELY out of control and ruining our lives. We constantly fight, he has even got physical with me when I tried to stop him. He works on the road so has problems on VLTS in the pubs wherever he is working and when he is home mostly online casinos. He is always using the same excuse…what if I win? I’m trying to win back what I lost. Etc Etc. I’m so tired of worrying and stressing all the time…it’s affecting me as a mother to our two beautiful daughters and its been horrible for a long time now. I don’t trust him at all and he gets so mad that I don’t but how am I supposed to trust someone that promises he will stop and promises he will set a limit, etc etc. I am looking for someone to talk to that has been or is going through this with a loved one. I have even considered ending my own life in order to get out of this pain but I can’t bare to do that to my girls. I’m at such a a loss.

    #3877
    Dunc
    Keymaster

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    Hello

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team


    PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

    privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    #3878
    marko1231
    Participant

    I wont make excuses for your husband but his story is similar to mine with the exception of being a alcoholic I have been violent towards my wife I say this with shame
    All I can say is this he is ill and with out treatment he will stay ill. My wife gave me a second chance after two years of separation I was the loneliest saddest man in the world in My eyes anyway no friends no family gambled them all away
    If your Husband wont get help you need to walk away.
    Not something I say lightly considering I am gambling again And will lose my family again if I don’t stop.
    Try to get him to read the posts on this site it really does help.

    #3879
    female g
    Participant

    I feel your pain. I only wish you peace and strength to survive this agony.
    Even though its not your problem he is forcing the problem onto you.
    Have you researched gambling as a way to understand all the ramifications. It may offer you tools in which to help yourself and to understand the addiction.
    try support groups in your community. Help him understand his addiction and get him to put barriers in place. Control the money flow. Have his paychecks go to paying specific bills, take away credit cards and debit cards telling him to do this to save his family perhaps.
    It is unfair of him to leave you feeling like you want to take your own life and you deserve better. If these things fail leave and show your girls that they deserve better too. Knowing the facts about this disease and helping your girls with the knowledge might be useful too as long as are old enough to understand. hoping for better times ahead xo

    #3880
    Katbriver
    Participant

    Hi Joni,
    My mother has been gambling very bad for over 22 years. She started when I was 13 years old. I have 4 younger sisters so I fell into this strange role of care taker/child. I can tell you this…gambling is a Monster of an addiction. My dad was an alcoholic and I’d choose that anyday over gambling. Your husband will lie to you and you’re right not to trust him. It’s so painful but the only thing you can do is move on. Teach your daughters that life and happiness is a choice. It will be hard but you can get out of the ‘nuclear cloud’ of your husbands addiction.
    I realized that there is NOTHING I can do to stop my mother from gambling. She loves us still, but an addiction trumps everything. Gamblers will lie, steal, and it all becomes a ‘normal’ part of life. It’s so hard because they are not the people they used to be and you mourn for that person again…but until they SEEK help and truly get the root cause of the emotional/mental/ pain they are trying to ‘zone out’ and escape from, things won’t change. It’s Your choice of how your life goes. I hope you choose happiness and be true to yourself!
    It’s SO hard not to take it personal but you CAN be happy again, just not while putting your energy into an addict. I hope you can move on and if you are thinking about suicide, please reach out…Take care

    #3881
    Anonymous
    Guest

    OMG… Forget the gambling . Forget the alcoholism. This man has “got physical”. Get out, get your kids out and stay out. Getting physical is inexcusable regardless of how our ” loved one” wants to excuse it… Gambling, alcoholism, bad day, …. The list is endless.
    Ring a women’s helpline and get real advice!! Ask yourself what exactly is the relationship you are trying to save and what a great life you could have without this violent person?

    #3882
    jenny t
    Participant

    Hi, I don’t know if you still remain at home with your husband?
    I understand how difficult it is to live with a CG and an alcoholic. My ex husband was replacing gambling with alcohol too and the arguments we had were horrible for us, but most importantly, terrible for the kids.
    Anyone, whether male or female who becomes physical towards their partner, Chooses to do this. Gambling and alcohol is not an excuse as there are many ways in which your husband can deal with his anger, taking time out, walking away, going into another room, NOT making you feel frightened or put at risk. He is making poor parenting choices if he is physical towards you, the mother of his children. HIS behaviour is unacceptable. You and your children have the right to be safe in your own home.
    I know how hard it is to walk away and you may not want to see that your husband is being abusive to you, but I agree with the other posts that your safety is the most important. There is support from women’s aid should you want this.

    What do you and your children deserve? what life do you want for your children and for you?
    Unfortunately, you cannot change your husband’s behaviour. You are not in control of his actions, you are only in control of yours. What can YOU change? What support do you need to help you ? What is important?
    Your husband needs to want to stop gambling and want to stop drinking. It doesnt sound like he is there yet as he still believes he can win and nothing you can say or do will stop him from believing he can beat the system and get the next big win. You know he will lose. Then how does he cope with that? whats his actions/behaviour like then?
    You are worth a life of happiness and you deserve to feel safe. Looking after yourself is important.
    I hope you can make the choices which are helpful to you and I truly understand how difficult it is to change things, start again, even if its for a short time so you both have some breathing space.
    Even writing here how you are feeling can be the start of great support.
    Please take care and I hope you can post again . Remember what you can do, what you are in control of and the changes you can make. Trust in you.
    Jenny T

    #3883
    Ivy360
    Participant

    I’m too with a cg who does admit he has a problem, but if my husband got physical he would be out, he’s just had a gambling spree and I said to him this morning I would rather him have an affair or hit me as I can deal with that, as he would be out the door with no chances.

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