[Geneve]

Hi there,

Have been reading this web for two days. Loads of thoughts were gushing out then but when I come in front of my computer, I feel nervous to write.

My story is long but at the same time short-having CG in life. It was 7 years ago, I learnt of GA, it was the CG who brought me there when we newly met in London. (Both of us were not born there) He told me quite a lot about GA and his experience. But when I asked if I could take part in Gamanon (for f&f), he simply told me it was not necessary and then he stopped going to GA altogether.

During these time, it was going through hell. We moved, we split, we reunited, we had affairs, we argued and now we are ‘friends’ as we are never married. Gamble, loss, shouts, control, threats, manipulation, weed, cheat, even hands and remarks I have been through. I am not technically in the relationship now but the experience to be with aCG throws some much doubts and questions on my own valuing system which I need a vent out. On and off I went for counselling or social worker but I felt like being advised on rather than being understood. Until this site, I felt a bit more compassion to let me understand I wasn’t at all a complete idiot to have gone through all the pain and made the mistake I have.

CG is not the only sick one in the whole game, as a f&f, I am addicted to dig out the reason and endeavour for the solution and so go easy on the gambling for honeymoon phase to linger around. I searched so hard, thought so much and swam into the history of his family. Yes, I found pain. I indulged him on self-pity and accepted him by endorsing his ‘using’ of another woman for enablement. After years of manipulation, I even did something illegal for him to enable himself on the forbidden activity without considering the consequence but with the mind of evading any possible noise.

I felt scared and trapped but at the same time relieved because I found some parts of the solution after all the ‘effort’ and ‘mistakes’- to let go. Although I am not the CG, I feel the compelling force to do something about the situation. A sense of guilt is instilled inside me, when I don’t help him, when I see social male friends, anything he felt loss control over me, I feel I am kind of negative (not guilt but can’t express). In the beginning, I even turned my head to others hoping to forget about him but I went back to him time and again. Knowing me staying with others when we were not together, he called me slut to destroy my self esteem and checked on me at his whims (/temper) and made false accusation of my infidelity. For times, I felt I screwed up the whole thing. But he was the one who womanised in fact. I couldn’t figure out if our love is so huge to bind us together through these difficult years or it’s manipulation or addiction?

Am I an addict of some kind too? I know I love him but he is now officially with another woman but declaring only for money and remain ‘friend’ with me. I know it sounds like a mess. I try to look into my own history to see what had me possessed in such a way! Comparing to his parent divorce and battered mum, (he never admitted he was neglect, instead he boasted he could do whatever he wanted), I found my own negligible. I am sorting out my addiction to help and to ease my conscience for what I have done.

I feel low too because he asked me not to contact him anymore as he thought I was driving him crazy by not answering his call, or doing exactly what he asks (nothing to do with money as he has another one to feed his impulse-this worries me too as that woman is rich and doesn’t know his addiction.) I am refraining myself from making any contact but I want him to know his family and friends love him. And I am kind of struggle coz I don’t know what to do if he contacts me again coz not cutting off and reuniting is our common episode. This makes me most powerless. I just can’t ignore his call especially when he is not asking for money but to stay contacted. However, I don’t want to be insulted especially with his false accusation based on his imagery. And should I advise that woman on his addiction or let him cover up?

The answer seems easy as just leave as we have no children, no married but it is not easy to leave a relationship, perhaps just a friendship like that right? Or I am just weak? Or I haven’t learnt a thing?

[velvet]

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Hello Geneve

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

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