23 December 2017 at 2:06 pm #6073
Hey everyone, its been a while but I really didnt want to let Christmas/New Year without checking in. I have been meaning to pop in to a group but have to borrow my sons laptop as mine is still kaput and it just never seems to happen for one reason or another. I have been reading from time to time but needed but you lovely people are never far from my thoughts.
I felt the need to take a break and tease out my issues and my relationship, to seperate my problems, the relationship with my partner and gambling. Mission pretty much accomplished I think and in a good place right now.
It is uncharted territory for me being in a relationship with someone in recovery and uncharted territory for him too. Learning to relate when you have been avoiding relating for 30 years must be scary and difficult, allowing people close must seem like an enomous risk. Learning to trust when you have been taught not to trust because of someones addiction is also scary and difficult. Learning not to fall back on your old staple of ‘things are difficult therefore the gambling must be to blame’ is too. Thinking things just might work out and become a ‘normal’ relationship and getting to know that person as their true self as they are also getting to know their true self equally is both daunting and exciting.
There has been some highs and low, mistakes on both our parts, bad habits to tackle and behaviours to relearn. However having scraped ourselves back to the bare bones what is left is a deep love and mutual respect and a strong (if unconventional) parnership.
As well at all the above I have been really getting to grips with my own deeper issues and also moving forward greatly with supporting my son, who is thriving. The move went well, home education has been a joy and our relationship as mother and son has never been better. I have been spending a lot of time on autism forums making sure I have the very best knowledge to help my son be all I know he can be.
My sister is still fighting and I still see her as much as i can which hasnt been as much as i’d like of late but the relationship is still strong and supportive for us both.
I feel so much lighter and happier going into Christmas this year. I am strong and independent and feel the people around me are in a good place generally too and I am enjoying being around them.
The one sure thing about life is it keeps moving forward and all we can strive for is too more forward with it and hope those around us do to. I wish you all a great and uneventful Christmas, (sometimes uneventful is everything we could wish for!). I hope to be around more in the New Year. Speical wishes to Velvet, Logic and Red who are never far from my thoughts.
Keep taking care of you, you are all so worth it. Much Love Lilly x23 December 2017 at 2:33 pm #6074velvetModerator
I cannot begin to tell you how happy your post made me and I know for certain it will raise the spirits of another too.
You have been asked about every week in the group and now you are here – couldn’t wish for a better Christmas greeting.
Now we know you will make a group, you know that you will be welcomed with open cyber arms.
V23 December 2017 at 8:00 pm #6075
Thanks for the warm greeting V. I am sure I will ‘see’ you in a group soon. Have a wonderful Christmas. Lily x24 December 2017 at 6:26 pm #6076
How wonderful to see you posting and its great to read a positive update from you. I’m glad things are going well and you are working on things to make YOU happy.
I also haven’t posted for a while. In the beginning I was gamble free. More recently gambling came back into my life and that hurt in a way I’d almost forgotten was possible. . But that is a story for another day. I will properly update soon as i have just realised its been almost a year since i first posted on GT and what a year it has been! I couldn’t have done it without you, velevt, red, harry and all of the other help, advice, shoulders to cry on and reality checks the wonderful members of this website have given me.
You all made me strong at a point i thought i was lost and that will stay with me forever.
I wish you a wonderful Christmas and i hope i can catch up with you properly in the new year.
And the same to the rest of the GT community. Merry Christmas to you all
Logic x25 December 2017 at 3:55 am #6077
Lovely to hear from you Logic. I hope to be reading about all that has happened with you over the last few months soon. The twists and turns of life hey? I am still awake waiting to fill my sons stocking. This year is a million miles from last year when my son was having such a hard time and so unhappy , seeing his joy and excitement really makes my Christmas although I wish he wasn’t so a reluctant and light sleeper right now. Looking forward to catching up soon, lily x2 January 2018 at 6:38 pm #6078
Today my partner told me he no longer felt the same about me. I knew, I have know in my heart for a while but I just hoped I was wrong. for a time I wondered if he was gambling again, I don’t believe it was the case but I didnt want to believe his feelings had changed. Perhaps it is down to the changes within himself in general, perhaps his heightened feelings for me last spring were down to the feel good factor of not gambling or as an escape from the urges or perhaps he has just fallen out of love me? I don’t know and he tells me he doesn’t either, he still loves me but not in the same way. I appreciate his honesty, I have been struggling for a while to get to the bottom of whats going on and knew things were coming to a head when he showed little enthusiasm for seeing me over christmas saying he needed time to recouperate and didnt want to drive.
I am not angry or disparing but I do feel really sad, I guess its grief in a way. He wants to stay friends but I am not ready for that switch yet, maybe in time. I don’t know where that leaves me regarding GT. I don’t know if it is possible for me to post as this is his place and I know it will hurt seeing his name pop up on the forum in the start page.
I’ll be fine of course, I’m a grown up but right now it hurts and I feel bereft sitting here looking at his unopened christmas gift. I am glad he was honest, no one wants to live a lie and I am glad he is taking responsibilty for his own feelings. I hope he continues his recovery as I am sure he will and moves forward making a happy and sucessful life. And of course I will keep my focus on taking care of me and moving forward with my life.
Life really throws out some curved balls sometimes though…….Lily x2 January 2018 at 8:01 pm #6079
As you said the twists and turns of life!
A very small part of the reason i stopped posting at the time was i saw that the GT app was on my partners phone. I have no idea if he has ever reached out to GT or whether it was just downloaded for my benefit and to shut me up but there were a lot of arguments back then that i was slagging him off to anyone that would listen (i wasnt but he was hiding from his addiction and lying to himself). And i thought well if there is a small chance he was showing up on GT how beneficial to him is finding a nice long list of every slip and ruined plan and heartbreak that i had suffered because he chose to gamble again. Sadly thats where the open posts can’t win. But i know i don’t need to tell you about them. But it does make it harder to wear your heart on your sleeve and write an honest post.
Luckily, that’s why GT have the forums! I know Velvet would welcome you in with open arms and I’m sure there are two a week now. But i keep messing up the times. And outside of the f+f groups, let me know if you want to be in a group chat. Would be so good to catch up with you again.
For you, your partner has been almost a year gamble free now? Which is an awesome achievement.
However, a long distance relationship is never easy. And although you were both doing the right thing and looking after you. I know between his job and the other commitments you both have, it leaves little time for you, the couple.
And that’s the hardest part. You end up doing the (seemingly) wrong thing for the right reasons. But thats still better than the gambling f&f world of doing the what you think is the right thing for the wrong reasons (enabling).
Look at how far youve come and keep looking after you. I know you will be fine but it doesnt stop it hurting.
Thinking of you
Logic x2 January 2018 at 10:03 pm #6080velvetModerator
Group is open Lily
Hope you drop in
V2 January 2018 at 11:05 pm #6081
Thanks Logic and V. I do hope to see you in a group at some point Logic. x2 January 2018 at 11:12 pm #6082
I’ve got exams all this week so am cramming in revision after work. Sorry i couldn’t pop in tonight but I’ll be around soon. Don’t think an hour will be nearly long enough!!4 January 2018 at 9:05 pm #6083
good luck with the exams. I hope you will post soon so I can hear properly how you are doing. Lily x5 January 2018 at 11:03 am #6084kathrynParticipant
I don’t pop into f and f very often, but thought I’d have a look tonight and read your posts.
I was so happy to read your first update.
I’m so sorry things haven’t worked out for you.
I think you would proboably know or suspect if he was gambling again. Women’s gut feelings are usually right.
I guess I just wanted to say that my heart is heavy for you, you have been through a lot, and become stronger.
That strength will get you through whatever is going to come, and I wish you all the very best in your journey.
Love K xxxx5 January 2018 at 1:14 pm #6085
Hi Kathryn, Thank you so much for your kind words. No I dont believe he has been gambling, my gut feeling for months is that he had fallen out of love with me for whatever reason but I didnt want to believe it. I am glad he has said it and didnt argue when he suggested splitting up – you can’t make someone love you after all can you? It is easier in a way than before we split as contantly trying to a maintain a relationship where you feel more than the other person is very damaging and I was becoming needy and insecure which I didnt like in myself and was affecting the way I functioned. It was time to move on and the grief for what we had will pass and the memories of the good times will remain with me, it is like a little death really. I have a great counsellor who I can talk to and plans for the future and I know ultimately I will be ok. I will keep on keeping on and taking care of me, Thanks again Lily x6 January 2018 at 10:13 pm #6086
Thanks Lily. Everything went well and are all done. I’ll be in the group on Tuesday. Looking forward to catching up with you then 🙂 x7 January 2018 at 11:40 am #6087
So glad the exams went well, I hope to catch up with you in the group on tuesday – I will do my best. Lily x
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