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    • #6073
      lily
      Participant

      Hey everyone, its been a while but I really didnt want to let Christmas/New Year without checking in. I have been meaning to pop in to a group but have to borrow my sons laptop as mine is still kaput and it just never seems to happen for one reason or another. I have been reading from time to time but needed but you lovely people are never far from my thoughts.

      I felt the need to take a break and tease out my issues and my relationship, to seperate my problems, the relationship with my partner and gambling. Mission pretty much accomplished I think and in a good place right now.

      It is uncharted territory for me being in a relationship with someone in recovery and uncharted territory for him too. Learning to relate when you have been avoiding relating for 30 years must be scary and difficult, allowing people close must seem like an enomous risk. Learning to trust when you have been taught not to trust because of someones addiction is also scary and difficult. Learning not to fall back on your old staple of ‘things are difficult therefore the gambling must be to blame’ is too. Thinking things just might work out and become a ‘normal’ relationship and getting to know that person as their true self as they are also getting to know their true self equally is both daunting and exciting.

      There has been some highs and low, mistakes on both our parts, bad habits to tackle and behaviours to relearn. However having scraped ourselves back to the bare bones what is left is a deep love and mutual respect and a strong (if unconventional) parnership.

      As well at all the above I have been really getting to grips with my own deeper issues and also moving forward greatly with supporting my son, who is thriving. The move went well, home education has been a joy and our relationship as mother and son has never been better. I have been spending a lot of time on autism forums making sure I have the very best knowledge to help my son be all I know he can be.

      My sister is still fighting and I still see her as much as i can which hasnt been as much as i’d like of late but the relationship is still strong and supportive for us both.

      I feel so much lighter and happier going into Christmas this year. I am strong and independent and feel the people around me are in a good place generally too and I am enjoying being around them.

      The one sure thing about life is it keeps moving forward and all we can strive for is too more forward with it and hope those around us do to. I wish you all a great and uneventful Christmas, (sometimes uneventful is everything we could wish for!). I hope to be around more in the New Year. Speical wishes to Velvet, Logic and Red who are never far from my thoughts.

      Keep taking care of you, you are all so worth it. Much Love Lilly x

    • #6074
      velvet
      Moderator

      Dear Lily
      I cannot begin to tell you how happy your post made me and I know for certain it will raise the spirits of another too.
      You have been asked about every week in the group and now you are here – couldn’t wish for a better Christmas greeting.
      Now we know you will make a group, you know that you will be welcomed with open cyber arms.
      As Ever
      V

    • #6075
      lily
      Participant

      Thanks for the warm greeting V. I am sure I will ‘see’ you in a group soon. Have a wonderful Christmas. Lily x

    • #6076
      Logic55
      Participant

      Lily!

      How wonderful to see you posting and its great to read a positive update from you. I’m glad things are going well and you are working on things to make YOU happy.

      I also haven’t posted for a while. In the beginning I was gamble free. More recently gambling came back into my life and that hurt in a way I’d almost forgotten was possible. . But that is a story for another day. I will properly update soon as i have just realised its been almost a year since i first posted on GT and what a year it has been! I couldn’t have done it without you, velevt, red, harry and all of the other help, advice, shoulders to cry on and reality checks the wonderful members of this website have given me.

      You all made me strong at a point i thought i was lost and that will stay with me forever.

      I wish you a wonderful Christmas and i hope i can catch up with you properly in the new year.

      And the same to the rest of the GT community. Merry Christmas to you all

      Logic x

    • #6077
      lily
      Participant

      Lovely to hear from you Logic. I hope to be reading about all that has happened with you over the last few months soon. The twists and turns of life hey? I am still awake waiting to fill my sons stocking. This year is a million miles from last year when my son was having such a hard time and so unhappy , seeing his joy and excitement really makes my Christmas although I wish he wasn’t so a reluctant and light sleeper right now. Looking forward to catching up soon, lily x

    • #6078
      lily
      Participant

      Today my partner told me he no longer felt the same about me. I knew, I have know in my heart for a while but I just hoped I was wrong. for a time I wondered if he was gambling again, I don’t believe it was the case but I didnt want to believe his feelings had changed. Perhaps it is down to the changes within himself in general, perhaps his heightened feelings for me last spring were down to the feel good factor of not gambling or as an escape from the urges or perhaps he has just fallen out of love me? I don’t know and he tells me he doesn’t either, he still loves me but not in the same way. I appreciate his honesty, I have been struggling for a while to get to the bottom of whats going on and knew things were coming to a head when he showed little enthusiasm for seeing me over christmas saying he needed time to recouperate and didnt want to drive.

      I am not angry or disparing but I do feel really sad, I guess its grief in a way. He wants to stay friends but I am not ready for that switch yet, maybe in time. I don’t know where that leaves me regarding GT. I don’t know if it is possible for me to post as this is his place and I know it will hurt seeing his name pop up on the forum in the start page.

      I’ll be fine of course, I’m a grown up but right now it hurts and I feel bereft sitting here looking at his unopened christmas gift. I am glad he was honest, no one wants to live a lie and I am glad he is taking responsibilty for his own feelings. I hope he continues his recovery as I am sure he will and moves forward making a happy and sucessful life. And of course I will keep my focus on taking care of me and moving forward with my life.

      Life really throws out some curved balls sometimes though…….Lily x

    • #6079
      Logic55
      Participant

      As you said the twists and turns of life!

      A very small part of the reason i stopped posting at the time was i saw that the GT app was on my partners phone. I have no idea if he has ever reached out to GT or whether it was just downloaded for my benefit and to shut me up but there were a lot of arguments back then that i was slagging him off to anyone that would listen (i wasnt but he was hiding from his addiction and lying to himself). And i thought well if there is a small chance he was showing up on GT how beneficial to him is finding a nice long list of every slip and ruined plan and heartbreak that i had suffered because he chose to gamble again. Sadly thats where the open posts can’t win. But i know i don’t need to tell you about them. But it does make it harder to wear your heart on your sleeve and write an honest post.

      Luckily, that’s why GT have the forums! I know Velvet would welcome you in with open arms and I’m sure there are two a week now. But i keep messing up the times. And outside of the f+f groups, let me know if you want to be in a group chat. Would be so good to catch up with you again.

      For you, your partner has been almost a year gamble free now? Which is an awesome achievement.

      However, a long distance relationship is never easy. And although you were both doing the right thing and looking after you. I know between his job and the other commitments you both have, it leaves little time for you, the couple.

      And that’s the hardest part. You end up doing the (seemingly) wrong thing for the right reasons. But thats still better than the gambling f&f world of doing the what you think is the right thing for the wrong reasons (enabling).

      Look at how far youve come and keep looking after you. I know you will be fine but it doesnt stop it hurting.

      Thinking of you
      Logic x

    • #6080
      velvet
      Moderator

      Group is open Lily
      Hope you drop in
      V

    • #6081
      lily
      Participant

      Thanks Logic and V. I do hope to see you in a group at some point Logic. x

    • #6082
      Logic55
      Participant

      I’ve got exams all this week so am cramming in revision after work. Sorry i couldn’t pop in tonight but I’ll be around soon. Don’t think an hour will be nearly long enough!!

    • #6083
      lily
      Participant

      good luck with the exams. I hope you will post soon so I can hear properly how you are doing. Lily x

    • #6084
      kathryn
      Participant

      I don’t pop into f and f very often, but thought I’d have a look tonight and read your posts.
      I was so happy to read your first update.
      I’m so sorry things haven’t worked out for you.
      I think you would proboably know or suspect if he was gambling again. Women’s gut feelings are usually right.
      I guess I just wanted to say that my heart is heavy for you, you have been through a lot, and become stronger.
      That strength will get you through whatever is going to come, and I wish you all the very best in your journey.
      Love K xxxx

    • #6085
      lily
      Participant

      Hi Kathryn, Thank you so much for your kind words. No I dont believe he has been gambling, my gut feeling for months is that he had fallen out of love with me for whatever reason but I didnt want to believe it. I am glad he has said it and didnt argue when he suggested splitting up – you can’t make someone love you after all can you? It is easier in a way than before we split as contantly trying to a maintain a relationship where you feel more than the other person is very damaging and I was becoming needy and insecure which I didnt like in myself and was affecting the way I functioned. It was time to move on and the grief for what we had will pass and the memories of the good times will remain with me, it is like a little death really. I have a great counsellor who I can talk to and plans for the future and I know ultimately I will be ok. I will keep on keeping on and taking care of me, Thanks again Lily x

    • #6086
      Logic55
      Participant

      Thanks Lily. Everything went well and are all done. I’ll be in the group on Tuesday. Looking forward to catching up with you then 🙂 x

    • #6087
      lily
      Participant

      So glad the exams went well, I hope to catch up with you in the group on tuesday – I will do my best. Lily x

    • #6088
      lily
      Participant

      This will be a long post but I had to get my thoughts down to someone to save them rolling around in my head.

      I think when you have a relationship with a CG it is easy to either blame everything on their gambling and either right them off or focus on them getting ‘clean’ and thinking then everything will be ok. It’s not that simple. Every relationship we have is a two way street, every person has complications, problems, struggles and things they either need to or are working on, Moods go up and down.

      I am a whole mess of issues, I work very hard on these all the time. I am reflective and have conselling to help with that but sometimes things are triggered and I react in the moment.

      My life in a nutshell is I was brought up by a mother who was mentally ill and a step-father who was loving but so laid back he neglected our basic needs. My real dad left my mum and sister before I was born. I have 2 brothers and one sister I was brought up with (my half siblings but they never feel like half) and I have one sister and 2 brothers who I was not brought up with (my half siblings also) all of which I tracked down. My two brothers were adopted one by my mum and one by my biological dad, my sister is my biological dads and was brought up by her mum after my dad left her also. By the time I tracked down my biological dad he had died.

      I pretty much brought up my two younger brothers, my sister brought me up until I was old enought to take over. I was abuse by neighbours children when I was 8 but never tolds my parents, they had enough problems of their own having just lost a baby. My first proper relationship was at 17 with a man 10 years older than me who beat me and still to this day has an injuction out on him to stop him stalking me. I have been married twice, both did not last, my first hisband terroristed and raped me while we were on honeymoon. I had a child when I was 22 who died at 3 months old due to a cot death and I lost my way completely after this and had a breakdown. Luckily I had a supportive friend who saved my life after she found me in my flat lying on the floor where I had been for a week without moving.

      After that I got a gypsy carvan and travelled for a year putting myself back together and when I came back I started a relationship with a man I adored but found out he was cheating on me on a regular basis. Wanting to start again I ran away and ended up at a vineyard in sussex that is where I met my CG, he was running away too though I didnt know it, in a way I think we helped each other. We had fun and were great company for each other, it was always meant to be a no strings but I fell in love with him but he nipped that in the bud saying he was a compulsive gambler and I didnt want to get mixed up with him. I travelled to ireland where I married my second husband.

      11 years ago I had my son by a man who was also a CG but I didnt know it, we split up when was one. My son had muliple allergies until he was 7 and so the focus was on these however I noticed something different about him early on eventually he was diagnosed with a type of autism called PDA (pathological demand avoidance), it means he is so anxious all the time he resists the demands of everyday life. The reality of that was he would ressused to eat, sleep, get up, go to school, well you get the picture. I have become a bit of an expert on the condition which is a comparitively rare type of autism. With the right stratagies my son is thriving in most areas but still can’t be left with anyone else, struggles to go out especially anywhere crowded and is now home educated.

      My CG and I had remained friends throughtout this. When my son was 2/3 he came back into my life in a storm of trouble, we instantly rekindled our romance and he eventually went into treatment, unfortunatly he didnt go into recovery straight away so we split up after about a year and had very little contact for the next 7 years. In that time his dad died, my mum died, my sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer and my dear friend of 25 years had a complete breakdown and was left with schizophrenia.

      At the time my cg and I got back together last feb, I had worked through a lot of the issues I had relating to the events i have described and in a lot of ways was in a good place however my son was having a really hard time at this time as had only just got his diagnoses and I was only just begining to understand how to manage it. My CG was incredibly supportive as I believe I was to his recovery, for a while we were better together than apart, it was the first real relationship I have ever had in my life, give and take, care and understanding. His recovery allowed him to show who he is for the first time and wear his heart on his sleave and mine had helped me to be independent and strong and to trust more and expect the worst less.

      I am not going to go in to what happened 6 months ago as it was all over the forum for all to see but it set me back with trust and I pulled in my horns, it put him back with trust and he pulled in his. Things just got worse and worse and despite repeated efforts to fix it we did not suceed.

      My (ex)CG is a good man, I say that without rose tinted glasses, I know his faults too and at times I could bang his head against the wall to try and knock some sense into it and I know he has felt that way about me to. But he is a good man. He has a massive heart, he is great with my son, he does not judge me for my past and I do not judge him, he has never given up trying to give up in all the time I have known him, he falls down he gets up, his stubboness is his greatest asset and his worst enermy. Even with all the hassle the last few months he came down and he helped me move, he did so much and never once moaned or lost his temper.

      I don’t believe I t was about Christmas or gambling that we split up. It was about not being far enough down the road in our recoveries to sustain a relationship. We werent far enough down the road with our own lives either, I am very tided up with my son and he with his work. But thats ok. I can live with that. That is much easier to live with than sniping and hurting each other that we have been doing for months.

      Taking care of you, looking at you, creating support and independance of mind for you, that is the only way to get through this. The outcome may not always be what we hoped for but as long as you are taking care of you it will be the right one. Lily x

    • #6089
      velvet
      Moderator

      Dear Lily
      That was a very brave post to write and I hope it will be treated by everyone with the respect it deserves.
      I think you are probably right – neither of you had reached a place where you felt entirely safe and with all the other things going on in your lives, there were just too many ups and downs.
      I am a great believer in the recovery of F&F being as important as the recovery of a CG – neither party wanted or asked for the addiction and both have to find their own way forward and make of it what they can. Nobody can save anybody else; we all have our own battles.
      I think you are an amazing, caring woman who has come through some of the most awful circumstances and yet still manages to laugh with me in the F&F group.
      I’m not going to write anymore but suffice it to say I have heard you and I will speak to you soon.
      As Ever

    • #6090
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Lilly , I read your very honest post and couldn’t help but be touched by it .
      You deserve the very best life has to offer – and that means someone who makes you feel secure – someone who will find a way to spend time with you and someone who understands that feelings change all the time in relationships – it isn’t all singing and dancing .
      I go through times when I feel I can’t stand my husband, times when he terribly annoying , times when I love him dearly – but never a time when I doubt his love for me .
      You ex- partner sounds immature – Perhaps with his gambling addiction he has not had time to mature in other ways . We have all had our edges knocked off over many years , had to lose our selfish ways and put our kids first , had to grin and bear many things like horrible bosses because we had to provide for our children . Maybe some of us learn those lessons later in life . Maybe some of us never learn .

      You have had a complicated, difficult and quite insecure life – you deserve to be with someone who you can give you a sense of security- someone who no matter what mistakes you both make , you can depend on the other being there to help pick up the pieces . You deserve a totally reliable partner – you deserve to be loved for being the wonderful person you are .
      You are worth a 1,000,000 mile drive .
      I hope you meet someone wonderful who appreciates then absolute treasure he has found . Please keep posting and feel free to pop over to see us in the other forum .

    • #6091
      lily
      Participant

      Thank you for your kind words. I can only write this post and say the things I have without shame because of my ex partner. He kept my secrets and supported me both as a friend and a partner for the last 18 years. He helped me understand I didnt ask for the life I was dealt any more than he asked for the life he was dealt as you also pointed out V.

      My post is not there sound like I am a victim or oh poor me. I could of equally of written that I have travelled the world, met many interesting people had two beautiful sons and many adventures and that would also be true. I don’t feel sorry for myself and neither do I feel ashamed or care what others may think about my experiences. I just wanted to point out that we all have issues. Had I been born with the gene for addictive tendancies I may of well being posting on the gambling forum instead of here.

      I think some partners of Cg’s are possibly attracted to them because of their own experiences of life, they know what it is to suffer and may have a more open minded approach to their difficulties. Of course this isnt always the case after all we don’t chose who we fall in love with but every does have their issues and it is as important that we work on ours as they do on theirs to find happiness and fufilment in ourselves first and formost. No one can make us feel loved if we don’t love ourselves, no one can make us feel secure if we are not secure in ourselves and you need to be able to understand and rely on your own emotions before you can be reliable to someone else.

      We all have blips where we are not quite ourselves, problems arise when both parties have unresolved issues that trigger off each other. Expecting one other person to fufil all of your emotional needs is unrealistic and wrong which is why it is important to work on yourself and learn to cope with what life throws at you.

      I don’t think however that a persons experiences are what define them and that is why I dislike the term ‘my cg’ although I use it sometimes and did in this case as I couldn’t quite bring myself to write my ex partner at the time. Many addicts as I am sure you are aware IDI also have had difficult lives and have used gambling as a way to escape the feelings they bring up. Of course it creates more problems than it solves and then they have the triple whammy of dealing with the addiction, dealing with what caused the addiction and dealing with all the things that they may of done while addicted. It is not easy and I have total admiration for all who even try to deal with this and make themselves a better life.

      Everyone of course deserves to be loved, nutured and treated with respect. I don’t deserve it more because I have had a bad time and I know it starts with me. I have to learn to love and respect myself more fully if I want to have a sucessful and healthy relationship with anyone. I am getting there but I have a lot to learn, my ex partner has a lot to learn too but that does not make him or me a bad person.

      I don’t blame myself or even my ex partner for the relationship ending, the timing was just wrong, neither of us was as strong in our recoveries as we believed when we first got back together. There is so much more to gambling addiction than simply abstaining from gambling and just as there is so much more to getting over a traumatic childhood than just growing up.

      My ex partner is not a bad person, in fact at heart he is a good person, a kind person and an (emotionally) honest person. He has given me some great advice over the years in his often brutal northern way and he gives it because he wants to help, because he cares and doesn’t want people to suffer as he has. Yes he likes to have the last word but don’t we all? Lily x

    • #6092
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Lily ,
      You have wonderful insight and a kind heart .

      I work with children – many who have difficult lives and many who have difficulties which will be life long – I think that’s why your post called to me – I don’t often write on f and f.

      I do believe children can be victims because they cannot choose . I do believe that some losses in life are more than we should have to bear, like the loss of a child .
      I also believe that people can find peace in their lives no matter what they have been through… but it is hard and it takes time .

      Your partner sounds like a good person – I guess I always want the happy ending- and who knows- you and your partner may still have it . Sometimes i think too much in black and white – it is yet another character fault I must work on.

      You say you don’t deserve love more because you have had a hard time – but perhaps – and I might be wrong – after a difficult life and difficult experiences, people expect to be loved and accepted less .

      – I hope love finds you – I don’t believe there is a right time for love – I don’t believe any of us are ever in the perfect place in our lives – we can just be open and let life happen .
      I hope you drop into chat sometimes . I feel you have so much to offer – you have a lovely non-judgemental way of looking at things – I feel you are a very warm person with so much to give and despite everything you have suffered I don’t detect the slightest note of bitterness .
      I have learned from you today . Thank you Lily

    • #6093
      lily
      Participant

      You are right there is not a wrong time for love but there may wrong timing for a relationship. Our relationship with ourselves needs to be strong and balanced for a healthy relationship to grow and survive. Love takes many forms and real love doesnt end because a partnership ends or even if yuou dont see that person again but we must all move forward with our relationship with ourselves and that will continue to be my focus, that is always the right path.

      Thank you for you invite into the open group, I would not take you up on it due to my needing to respect boundaries but it is nice to feel included. Lily x

    • #6094
      Redare
      Participant

      How great to see all you lovely birds tonight. To realise that we all got through the tough time of year and yet still managed to laugh is true recognition of the importance this Forum gives to everyone, CG their family and friends. I can never thank you enough especially V who has dedication to others that is so rare in human time availability these days that makes her even more of an ANGEL. See you Thurs, Reg. XX

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