Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #4710
    ThreeTimer
    Participant

    alink Submitted by ThreeTimer on Tue, 05/24/2016 – 14:42
    Omg, this is crazy….i had no idea so many people….so much confusion, hurt, greif…etc…

    I am glad to have read this thread. It’s helping me understand my situation better.

    I nearly left my common law 3 times. First time was when we were new relationship. I have him my debit card to go get me smokes at the store or something – he came back (on Valentines) I had a nice gift to give him and he didnt seam happy for it. He told me he just drained $200 from my bank account to gamble. To try and win money to help his family in Europe. He said it was just supposed to be $20 but he lost and kept trying to get my money back for me.

    I lost it as I had to leave my previous engagement due to going bankrupt from that guys gambling AND drinking problem. Time #2 – we had a newborn baby and I gave him money because I got a good disability tax credit from gov and I wanted him to have some to get ahead and pay his bills. Nope gambled it! Big fight. Blah blah, made up….

    Iv’e always had suspicions in between but he always had a good answer but if not, the second answer was good and believed by me. Now the third time after living in a new city for 1.5 years and no catching him, but I did have a few suspicions, which of course he covered up. I have found out from my nephew that works with him that he has been going to the casino for the last year….FRIG!!!!! We are supposed to be getting married this August! I have to leave with our now 4-year-old and take my losses to this relatioship too. I call myself ThreeTimer because once with a stealing, drug smoking, alcoholic, little gambler, then an alcoholic gambler. Now a smoking cigarettes, fat belly unhealthy gambler…..

    I have no choice but to leave. I hate it. I love him! We have a gorg boy together. He is going to beg me to stay when I break the news, he is going to threaten. omg!!!! Right now i am getting all my ducks in a row to plan the flea with our son. I will NOT deny access to my son of course. Daddy loves him dearly and dito. It’s so hard. I just want him to stop and be a good partner and dad to us. No additions. Just healthy lifestyle like me…..

    #4711
    ThreeTimer
    Participant

    I keep getting waves of saddness over this and my escape plan. My spouse was so good tonight. Home early. Played with our boy….it was hard keeping my plan away from him. Im doing it because im hoping he will pay back my credit card. I need that before i take off. But whats with these waves of saddness then second thoughts about leaving….geez i told my boss today and even broke down in front of her…i was embarrassed….my leaving plan is in action. Utilities have cancellation notices. Vehicles are signed over to my name only. Work has been notified. Wedding party on my side has been notified. Cancelled venue. Etc etc. Its happening and im so sad and scared. Why does he have to have this addiction? Why did i fall for another addicted man….

    #4712
    velvet
    Moderator

    <

    Hello Three Timer

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team


    PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

    privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    #4713
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Three Times
    You seem very sure of what it is that you are going to do and I would be very surprised if you said you were not feeling very sad. Leaving is hard but I know that sometimes it is the only way and sometimes it is the right way for both the CG and the person who loves them.
    Has your partner ever admitted he has an addiction, has he ever tried to do anything about It?
    I hope that now you have found this site you will see that we offer tremendous support for CGs on our Helpline, in our CG groups and in ‘My Journal’ forum; there is also GA who offer great support. I believe it is important to point CGs in the right direction towards support because many don’t know that there is help and often they feel very alone in the belief that nobody understands them – just as you probably felt. Perhaps you could download the Gamblers Anonymous 20 questions for him which you can find on the gamblersanonymous web site because maybe your partner doesn’t realise the damage his behaviour has caused.
    Ultimatums do not work with CGs unless you mean to carry out the threat, whatever it is, so if you are not 100% sure that leaving is the right thing for you, I hope you will keep posting and maybe join the F&F group on Tuesdays 20.00-21.00 hours UK time because knowledge will give you the ability to make the right informed decision.
    I hope you will keep posting – I believe that support is great for those living with someone with the addiction to gamble but I also believe it is equally important to have support when you are going to stick with a CG or leave them; the addiction affects so many aspects of our lives.
    Keep in touch, my thoughts are with you
    Velvet

    #4714
    ThreeTimer
    Participant

    Thanks. Well i went into the bar friday night and caught him gambling. He said only $20 and won $600. I told him it was over. We talked outside. I stood my ground to leave and showed no emotion. He smashed his phone and he took off in truck in a rage. Me and our son slept at my sisters this night. He messaged me on fb all night and all day saturday while we were at a parade begging me not to leave. Pleaing he will quit everything from coffee to beer to gambling. My newphew was working with him. My bf does drywall self employed. My nephew has disclosed to his parents and then they told me. My bf will only admit he gambled twice in edmonton since we lived here for 2 years. There is a history of gambling prior to edmomton. I prob mentioned in original post. I went home sat afternoon and he was on the basement stairs crying. There was a chair on its side and extension cord hanging that snapped broken- a suicide atempt scene…..i dont believe he was serious
    Its just a tactic to keep me in relationship. My brother in law and sister are mad at him for blaming mark on telling them lies about his gambling. He wont admit to me that he gambled more than twice in last 2 years claiming both times were only $20…..he balled and begged me like a desparate man for about 20 hours straight. He got me were he wants me. i had to admit i would stay so he would calm down.
    Then he figured out i just screwed around by saying that because i wouldnt have sex with him….then he started begging me to stay again. He said suicide again and kissed our son goodbye….omg. he got me again…we had sex…we went out for supper with our boy…we were putting this in the past and he is to never use cash again for anything. Just use debit so there is a paper trail of his money. He says my nephew is telling lies because he is covering up drug use and shit to his parents and that hes mad at my bf for firing him twice on sparate occassions….the big one is that my nephew is saying my bf put $500 into the boards on friday night 2 weeks ago and lost it all and was leaving casino shaking his head. He claims to have never set foot in a casino in his life…..he is even denying the fact that my bro-in-law said that his friend seen him and my nephew at casino somes months ago…
    ..why did it do that? Omg she will leave me! I even seen the withdrawls from his account 200, 300 with $1.25 withdraw fees to show a bar or conveniece store atm was used. He claims that cash was used for work materials. ****! I cant belive him and he cant find all receipts to prove for that date.
    What do i do?

    #4715
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Three Times
    I can only give you knowledge of the addiction – what you do with that knowledge as a result of what you learn, has to be in your hands but I will support you in whatever decision you make. A major part of ‘your’ recovery is to retake control of your own life. Your CG partner has been making poor decisions that have affected you and I suspect your self-esteem and confidence will have been shaken badly having been in this situation 3 times – it is time for you to look after youself.
    I am sorry you are receiving threats of suicide, it is sadly not uncommon and of course it is the most frightening threat a CG can make, however, you cannot save your partner, only he can do that – just like you, he has to make his own choices.
    I suggest it is an attempt to deflect from his poor behaviour when he accuses you of ‘screwing around’, you know the truth so please don’t let such lies stop you looking after yourself.
    Were you able to download the Gamblers anonymous 20 questions? They do help CGs to recognise their problem whist hopefully letting them know that there is support for them. Perhaps you could ask him to look at the GA-20 questions when he is a better frame of mine such as when you have been out for a meal.
    In my opinion you should not trust him at the moment, maybe you could ask him to start giving you receipts which is what many CGs do who recognise they have a problem.
    I hope, from what you have written that you have support from your brother, sister and sister-in-law during this really tough time.
    Your partner will almost certainly believe that his addiction will look after him so that leaves you without support from him – so please look after yourself first and keep posting.
    Velvet

    #4716
    ThreeTimer
    Participant

    He seems to be slowly admitting he has a problem. 2 times gambling since Edmonton has turned into admitting 4-5 times…
    He is so sad that me and our son are now living at my sisters. He has begged me soooooo much to give him one more chance, that he will do anything I want just to give him another chance including going to Gamblers Annon. meetings. He says he is going even though he doesn’t think he has a gambling problem. He is even going to pay our rent and all bills himself for the summer while our son and I are in another province visiting my family. I hope he can do it! I really do want to give him another chance. But that this point they are only words….I wish he could fix things over night! haha! I wish we were a happy family and that we were still getting married this summer….unfortunately that is NOT going to happen. Maybe never….trust is gone….sucks. He knows that if he doesn’t do good this summer when we are away that im getting my own apartment with our son. I part of me says I should do it anyway but I part of me still has hope. BUT! What is he does really good for only 3 months and then starts lying and gambling again???? He owes government like $6500 right now and has a payment plan for the next 14 months…do people leave people because of stuff like that? Hopefully I will learn some things when I go to the meeting for families of gamblers. This really sucks. What if I never feel i can marry him…i really did want to…I hate this…….my life is a fucking gamble!

    #4717
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi 3 Timer
    It seems to me you are giving your partner a chance because your are not telling him there is no hope, so now it is up to him to prove to you that he is going to live a gamble-free life.
    The first sticking point is obviously his refusal to admit he has a problem but maybe, just maybe, if he does go to GA he will learn to accept. There are CGs who go to GA and pay lip-service but the other members are only too aware when this happens – they are all there because of a shared addiction to gamble after all. As was said to me a long time ago ‘you can’t kid a kidder’.
    I smiled at all your ‘I wish’ words dotted throughout your post. I would wish all the things that you wish but I know that no amount of me wishing will change a thing. I learned not to do ‘if only’ ‘what ifs’ and ‘I wish’ a long time ago – it’s tough but when we do stop doing them we do begin to accept the way it is and to look for different ways to live our lives – often finding better things than we had dreamed of before. CGs have to put ‘if only’, ‘what it’ and ‘I wish’ behind them too, which might help you understand your partner’s struggle. CGs would love to gamble responsibly, the fact that they can’t is something that they struggle to accept but if they can accept that this is the way it is and look for better ways forward then they can begin to recover.
    There is no overnight fix, as you have recognised, so please do things that please you this summer, enjoy new hobbies; take up old interests that got put on one side while you dealt with your partner’s addiction; live in the centre of your life and not on the periphery of his. It is so important that while CGs struggle to come to terms and accept and hopefully choose a gamble-free life that those who love them do not let hours, days and months slip by without growing themselves. If your partner learns to control his addiction, which he can, he will benefit from you living in control of your life – as a victim and part of the wreckage of his addiction you can’t help him – as a strong, determined person you can,
    Why do you feel that getting an apartment with your son will close the door on a possible future relationship with your partner? If you are going to stay with your sister for 3 months only to find that your partner has either not stopped gambling, or he is trying but you are still unable to trust him, then you have not walked far up ‘your’ road of recovery. Your recovery matters 3-Timer. Don’t waste time thinking ‘‘what if’ I never can marry him’ but spend your time building up your life so that if/when he does prove he is in control of his addiction you are in a strong position to make an informed decision.
    I hope some of this helps but please keep posting
    Velvet

    #4718
    ThreeTimer
    Participant

    I think that my own apartment will separate me from the stress of having to fork out money for his bills or anything. I wouldn’t worry where he is. We would be broke up if I had my own apartment and no chance to ever get back together. We would always have the mother to father relationship for our son though if you know what i mean. I wouldn’t keep his son away from him.
    He wants me to show him I care and to help him recover. I don’t think I can do this. It’s complete stress to have to help him. I want him to do it on his own and then show me how he has changed. Is this wrong of me? Am I asking too much?
    But ya I do plan on having a nice, stress free summer. I prob have to leave my phone and keep on fb though. Pretty sure he will be bothering me wondering what im doing and blah blah blah. I keep having to explain to him now – I NEED SPACE! He even asked me and our son to sleep over last night. Said he wouldn’t bother me at all. He sleeps on couch anyhow….the thing is, i don’t wanna stay there! I really want space. So im still at my sisters. He got mad that i wouldn’t stay. Said our son wants too, why cant u just stay. i wont bother you. you’re gonna be away for 2 months soon anyways….
    so annoying….i hate this difficult shit. i have t1 diabetes too and it is the most annoying decease in the world. ive thought about dissappearing from everyone before….(expect my son) but i care about family’s feelings and would NEVER do that to them.

    #4719
    nomore 56
    Participant

    Hi Three Timer, it seems to me that you already know what is best for you and have made up your mind pretty much. From what I read in your posts, your relationship sounds a bit unhealthy (to me at least). There are obviously more issues than just the gambling.
    Cgs scheme and lie and try to manipulate, anything to keep the addiction alive. Recovery is something the addict has to work on himself, nobody can really help, just support the effort. It takes dedication and hard work on his part, the addiction is his, not yours.
    I am also a type 1 diabetic, have been for 38 years and I have to agree with you, the disease is brutal. Stress is a big factor in keeping your BS stable and living with a cg can really aggravate the problems. Just like you, I have been tempted to give up many, many times. What kept me going was that my daughter and my pets needed me. When you are battling serious health problems, being in a relationship with an addict can be harder than it is for a healthy person. JMHO of course. Nobody can tell you what to do, that is for you to decide. Listen to your gut and try to do what is best for you and your son. I wish you the best of luck in anything you do!!

    #4720
    ThreeTimer
    Participant

    Ya there is a control issue. Where are you? Wgat are you doing? You said you would only be an hour?
    He is going to doc tomorrow to get a referral for addictions councelor. He says he will go to gambler annon meetings.
    He is changing bills over to his name and says he will pay. He is promising to never ever lie or hurt me again or gamble. I want to believe him so bad and i want him to lay off on the control problem. He said when i get back from summer break ge will attend couples therapy with me.
    I really love him and i really want things to work out…but will they? I get worried when u say a cg will say or do anything to keep the addiction alive….how do i find out if he really is a cg? He said he only gambled because he couldnt make ends meet tonpay the bills ontime…sure as **** wouldnt be my plan if i were in that predicament.

    #4721
    ThreeTimer
    Participant

    Ya there is a control issue. Where are you? Wgat are you doing? You said you would only be an hour?
    He is going to doc tomorrow to get a referral for addictions councelor. He says he will go to gambler annon meetings.
    He is changing bills over to his name and says he will pay. He is promising to never ever lie or hurt me again or gamble. I want to believe him so bad and i want him to lay off on the control problem. He said when i get back from summer break ge will attend couples therapy with me.
    I really love him and i really want things to work out…but will they? I get worried when u say a cg will say or do anything to keep the addiction alive….how do i find out if he really is a cg? He said he only gambled because he couldnt make ends meet tonpay the bills ontime…sure as **** wouldnt be my plan if i were in that predicament.

    #4722
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi 3 Timer
    This site is not qualified to discuss your partner’s apparent control issues but the couples counselling seems an excellent and positive way for you both to deal with this problem.
    Nomore is right that an active CG will do almost anything to feed his/her addiction but you have now posed the question ‘how do I find out if he really is a cg?’. I suggest that you look on the Gambers Anonymous web site and download the 20-questions – perhaps read them through first and see how you would rate your partner and then show him and see how he would rate himself. The addiction to gamble hardens over time but it is possible to have a problem with gambling that does not become a full-blown addiction; treatment will still be required if such a problem exists and the earlier the better. I believe the 20 questions will help you and your partner to know where he is on the addiction scale. The easy money fix is being bandied about every day in the media and many people will have tried to ‘win’ money to cover bills – the danger for the potential CG is that having experienced the gamble they cannot stop.
    In my opinion, if your partner is a CG then his promises, without treatment, are not worth anything. If he has a problem that has not developed into an addiction then with treatment he will be able to learn to control his desire to gamble.
    It isn’t wrong for you to ‘want him to do it on his own and then show me how he has changed’. Knowing that you are supporting him will help him but support doesn’t mean going back with the situation unresolved – he is saying the right things but now he has to act if you are to have any hope of trusting him. I believe the distance between you may keep him aware that he has to do something positive while at the same time allowing you worry-free time in which to gain strength and recover yourself.
    I will wait to hear from you again before writing further but keep posting and posing your questions and feelings – hopefully you will soon begin to see your way clear to what is right for you.
    Velvet

    #4723
    ThreeTimer
    Participant

    So about a week ago i decided to move back into the house….it wasnt making sense spending every evening with my son at his dads house then going to my sisters just for bed time. Plus my son wanted and prob needed to stay home. He lovessssss his dad so much.
    We have had good talks and understanding but im still hurt and confused. I need this break for the summer. Ive gained 5lbs in a month. Im feeling really down on my looks. Hating diabetes every second. We had an argument today about the wedding i canceled for this summer. He said if i decide to stay (which i pretty much already have) that he dont wanna get married for a few years now….in 3 years i will be 38……omg. old bride….but i guess its prob for the better….so crushed i found this gambling news out and now i have no wedding this summer. He even says i shoulda not listened to my family about his gambling. He doesnt even have an addiction and that i shoulda talked to him first so he could explain. Not just pack up and leave….he says i have a problem of not knowing what i want. Its simple but yet socomplicated. I just want to be happy.

    #4724
    ThreeTimer
    Participant

    And he goes on about how my nephew is a huge lier and does too many drugs and drinks crazy. Why would my nephew lie about my fiance gambling? How would that benefit him?

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.