[anonymousdaughter]

This is what holding onto my faith looks like to me. I just found out last night that she is gambling again. I’m okay, but I just needed to get this out. Please don’t respond with negativity. I am in the process of healing as well, and I just thought I’d give writing about it a try. Here goes…

“This is when you have to just trust in God.” The thought hit me as I am processing what I’ve just heard. She’s gambling again. Right at this very moment. I know that I just have to trust, but…..

Thoughts. No fears. Fears swirl though my head. The gravity of what is happening. The possibilities. Everything we’ve learned about gambling addiction- Some we learned while she was in treatment, and some we learned by seeing. Not just seeing from her, but from her own mother also. My beloved grandmother who lost everything more than once. We’ve seen enough. Hasn’t she seen enough too? What I know is that she will not stop until she has to. But people will still bail her out. Will she ever stop? Will I be one of the people put in a position to tell her no? What will happen when the reality of what she has done hits her? When she realizes what she has spent. What she has lost. Her addiction has evolved. When one or two hundred used to satisfy her, it takes so much more now. She has gambled everyday for the past two weeks. She loses six to eight hundred per day. Gone. Forever. Her hard earned money. She has already filed bankruptcy this year. Now she is spending the last of all that she has. Will she survive the realization when this hits her? This addiction has the highest suicide rtae. The thought sickens me. She mentioned suicide for the first time after getting out of treatment. Treatment. That was less than a year ago. An inpatient stay lasting over 30 days. She felt it was one of the hardest things she had ever been through. Hard or not, they taught her what is required. Meetings would be a part of her life forever. Counseling. The twelve steps. Her sponsor. Self care. They made it crystal clear that these tools will now need to be permanent fixtures in her life. Did she not believe them. Did she really think she could do it without the tools? Did she believe in miraculous healing? If she took the time she spends ruminating on all the things she is pissed off about- if she just used that time to the tasks she was assigned at treatment.  Would she be gambling right at this very moment? Help is available.

Trust in God. It’s the only thing I can do. I can’t control her addiction. I can’t control how others will respond to her. I can’t make them allow her to hit rock bottom. I can’t control where her rock bottom is, although I pray it is not much further down than this. I also can’t control her response. I just have to trust God. And one thing I’ve learned, trusting Him does not even mean that He will heal her of this addiction. It does not mean that she will not fall again. And unfortunately, it does not even mean that some of my darker fears are guaranteed to not happen. What it means, is that I can rest in the knowledge that no matter what the outcome is, one thing remains. He is still God. He is still here. I am not alone in this. He is God when things are good, and He is still God when things are bad. Right now, trusting in Him is all that I can do. 

[charles]

Very powerful, thank you for sharing.

[dwight]

Thank you. Very well written

[markwi27]

You wrote well. With soul

[Author]

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