25 July 2011 at 3:56 pm #2530looby looParticipant
After much deliberation and thought process, I today gave our son a call. Why? Because we have now had no contact for 8 weeks, and I wondered if the ‘no contact’ would in fact make our son believe that his parents had no feelings for him at all, that we were not interested in him or how he was doing, and the ultimate that we really do not love him. Also the death of a certain celebrity this weekend, who also had an addiction (all be it completely different) and whom psychologists who spoke about addiction and mental illness and support for addicts etc, also had a huge impact on me. As you all know, my son is in my head 24/7, aren’t all our kids !! and even though I enjoy life without gambling addiction in my home, and my face, he is still my son and I struggle to deal with it some days.
So, he answered the phone and said ‘what do you want’, (I could already hear the arrogance/an angry man) my number must still be in his call list so he knew it was me. I just said I was just ringing to see how he was, as we had not heard anything for a while. Standoffish answer of ‘Fine, I’m fine, I got a job’, I replied where, he just said ‘a local pub in town, yeh I am doing good. Why, would it have made you happier to hear I was struggling?’, I replied of course not, and also said that I was glad he had a job and that he was okay. Then he went into the slanging match of why hadn’t we bothered to contact him for 8 weeks, why had I blocked him on FB and why was he not invited to his nieces party and how horrible that was and that he was done with all of us, ‘you, dad, Rxxx and Sxxx, all of you’. I tried to explain that I had not rung him to have an argument but simply to see how he was and that we were here and that we loved him. He then brought up the pocket watch that was my Grandad’s (that I was given when my dad died last year for him) and how, even though it was his, I would not let him have it !!!! I just replied, no I will not let you have it, and the phone was put down on me. I left it a while then sent him a follow up text, saying it was a shame he felt the need to put the phone down on me again and that we would always love him and even though our love was not shown in a ‘wad of notes’ it was of no less value.
He has not replied, I don’t expect him to, and the more I read from CGs here, the more I now realise he will probably have to go another few years into maturity and manhood before he realises what his life means to him. I cannot ‘wait’ around for that to happen, when he is 30, 40, or whenever. I have to live and enjoy life to the full, we never know what is around the corner. Most of the time I do enjoy life, but at the back of my mind he is there, his face is in my psyche, and I question my/our actions.
Today has confirmed to me, even more, that I/we now have to stop thinking, ‘what ifs’, which most of the time we do do, but just now and again the doubts creep in as they have this weekend. After today, I fear that my/our relationship with our son, will be irretrievable , our story will not be ‘that happy ending’, everyone wants after something bad has happened. But……. I know we have done everything in our power to help, to show him our love, at all points and at some of the hardest times of our lives and it has made not one scrap of difference – not yet at least. It is fairly obvious he still sees ‘love’ as monetary, reward, receipt and we all know that is not what love is all about.
So…………………………. ours is not the happy ending, we will go back to the no contact for however long he decides he wants that for and if/when he decides the time is right, it will depend where we are at with our lives……
Today I am moving even further forward – becoming distanced so to speak .
Today, tomorrow, the future is mine, I cannot undo what has gone before, I cannot change what has happened, I cannot wish for a different life, and to get to where I am today, I would not change a thing. Without going through some of the things we have over the last 30 odd years, we would not be where we are today in our own relationship. I have an amazing husband, a beautiful daughter, and grandaughter a dear son-in-law and some very dear and trusted friends and they all deserve as much love as has been devoted to our son. It is a shame that our love for him is rejected for now as his love for his addiction and self destruction are apparently still more important. Even if he is not actively gambling his thought processes are the same as they were!!!!!!!!!!!! So sad to witness………………………………………….
Much love xWe must look forward and must never look back, we cannot change what has already happened. The future is brighter.Looby Loo
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