[freebyrd3]

Today is my first day here. The first time I am saying out loud to someone other then my wife I have a problem. Honestly, the only time I have even said I had a problem in the past to my wife was to try to get out of trouble for spending an outrageous amount of money. I would use my words to manipulate the situation to make myself less guilty. The goal was always to make it so I could talk her into letting me continue if I promised to control it. Control is the real problem that I have. In 2017 I became disabled with a spinal condition and I find myself in a situation now where I lack control of what is happening and will continue to happen to me. Covid broke out and we went on lock down and due to my health condition I have spent the last year under strict restrictions. This is also when I noticed what I would call the urges. It occurring, about once every few weeks. I get very restless, anxious, irritable and the only thing I want to do is gamble. The minute I put money into my online account or into a machine at a gas station I am calm. The problem is I can’t stop. It doesn’t matter how much I win or lose. I don’t even care if I win, I just want to win so I can keep playing. If I do win big, I just bet more until I lose it all. Then I bet more to win it back. I never get it back because I never stop. When I am playing I feel peace or calm, then I feel shame. I am here now to ask all of you, on day one, where do I go from here? I guess admitting it to all of you is a good first step.

[Dunc]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[G Rec]

Hi freebyrd3.

Welcome to the forum and well done on taking a positive first step towards seeking help. You asked where to go to from here, and yes you are right admitting to others and more importantly to yourself that you have a problem is a good starting point.

Next up, I would recommend trying out the New Members Practical Advice Group that run On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK). Here you can chat with both people going through a similar situation, and those that have plenty of experience in the area like Charles, and will be able to pick up plenty of tips/advice, and suggested next steps.

[freebyrd3]

It is crazy how smart my email, television, social media ads and radio ads have become. I never noticed before how many gambling ads there were but they are definitely marketed towards me. I am taking it day by day. I downloaded a self help audio book and when I want to gamble I listen to that.

[freebyrd3]

It has been 3 weeks since I found this site and created my first post. I posted on the 23rd and then had an episode on the 4th. That is what I call them. These selfish trances I get into where my wife does not seem to matter anymore. Where the only thing I can think about is the lack of control I have over everything in my life except gambling. Which is in of itself is insane because that is the absolute one thing I have no control over at all. I know it is my escape. It is the only time I get away from my own head. I put money in a machine or on my account and I am instantly at ease and nothing in life matters at that moment until it does. Then I need more money to continue it. My mind will tell me the reason it didn’t last is because I started with not enough money or I played the wrong game or the wrong amount. If only I had started with this one first or with this amount. So then I start over until I lose that too. Then the fight starts because I am smart that I gave up control of any access to money to my wife. I did this willingly but when in the middle of an episode I blame her for being controlling and trying to manipulate me. I am tired of this cycle. I want to be free of its hold. I want to not want to gamble but I always want to gamble. It makes me happy. Such a temporary happy that is followed by a very awful unhappy.

[freebyrd3]

Well here I am 5 months later. I started therapy, gave up all my control of credit cards and bank only to quit and take control back. I am worse now more then ever. I have won a very large amount of money last month yet I am still chasing more. We used my winnings to pay the cc’s for me to go and charge them back up to gamble. I hate who I am when I gamble. My wife told me this morning she is married to a liar. It is true. I lie all the time. I hide things, I sneak around, I always think about gambling. We want to move out of state and buy a house next year. There is no way that can happen if I don’t change. How do you get the urges to stop? How do you care enough about life at the moment to not deposit the money?

[Dave1]

The urges won’t stop. There is no magical pill. Our brains are messed up. The brain of every addict is messed up.

I’ve quit smoking for over a year now and still have (bad) urges sometimes. The brainreceptors will always be there, that’s why; “once an addict, always an addict”. And that’s why we keep on relapsing.

Over time the urges will get less frequent and strong. But still we have to make the right choices. Surf the fuck out of the urge. Surf it till it’s gone.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Dave1.

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