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    • #25521
      The Pheonix
      Participant

      Well here i am a long term gambling addict i’ve ruined my life and countless life’s around me. I’ve been a gambling addict since i was 18 well that’s when things got serious.

      I started gambling on holiday when i went away with my mum after my mum and dad split up i was 10 years old and going to holidays we didn’t have the money to visit places surrounding the holiday camp so my dad gave me spending money to go away with my mum with and my mum would give me a pound her a fiver there and we would go to the arcade and gamble it.

      The first time i remember looking back and having a problem was me at around 13-14 stealing £20 off my dad to take on holiday with my mum to gamble.

      At 18 i had it all very young a great job, a nice car, lots of money, i was super fit and was a dad young and a good calm active dad.

      I can’t really remember what triggered it but we went to Gala Bingo one night, with my partner and family which was full of fruit machines. I won at bingo and when bingo finished we went out to play the fruit machines for a couple of hours.

      After that we went regularly to Gala in the end to just to play the machines before long we was there more often than not and knew most people in there and didn’t go a day without gambling my partner stopped going but i was hooked.

      I cleared out our bank accounts, we 1800 overdrawn cleared 1800 off my credit card took out loans to consolidate debts and put all off it in a fruit machine, i was earning nearly 50k a year at one point and yet was struggling to fill my car with petrol. My dad has taken out loans for me which i didn’t pay back and i owe him around £8000 because of loans he paid off for me.

      Finally i hit rock bottom at around 27 years old and intended on taking my life my dad walked in on me hysterical ready to do it, i had gambled my kids xmas money and cleared the bank accounts around 4 weeks before xmas. I started attending GA meetings and got my life on track and started feeling good about things again. I was given anti depressants from my drs and my mood started to pick up

      I got made redundant about 18 months later and had been gambling free for that length of time however with redundancy came £18000 i paid some debts back and made plans but in the end blew around £9000 online over the space of a week and again had nothing.

      I increased the anti – depressants but they wasn’t working like before. In the mean time i injured my shoulder being an ex boxer i hit a fairground machine causing permanent damage and trauma to my shoulder and back. I was given tablets from the dr 30mg Codeine and 500mg paracetamol this is where my nightmare began again!

      The Codeine in the tablets made me feel great i was happy and didn’t feel the guilt it was escape from the depression and worries and stress. Even when i gambled i didnt feel guilty.

      I piled on weight because of my shoulder around 7 stone. along with the gambling addiction it changed the person that i was i wasn’t just a scum bag that ruined peoples lifes around me, my personality and characteristics completely changed, my temperment, my morales, my sense of responsibility, my sense of reality, i basically went bag to being a spoilt brat who when i was told no i throw my toys out of my pram and i do everything i can to get what i want and no matter who gets hurt along the way they are just collateral damage because i’m selfish and immature.

      Today i’m still gambling, i’m overweight obese and gone from 11stone to 18stone, i’m addicted to co0codomal mainly the Codeine in the tablet, addicted to a diet drug called Phentermine which keeps me awake as it has Amphetimine in and counteracts the sleeping effect of the Codeine, i drink at least 4 energy drinks a day, i have no money and owe money to work, colleagues, direct debits i’ve recalled etc i still lie constantly about everything to my wife and my children and my dad all the people that have supported me. I hate myself for everything i’ve done and even when i wear nice clothes and scrub up i just feel like a scum bag in nice clothes.

      The drug has damaged my liver due the paracetamol in the tablets and my constant abuse of them.

      But it’s time to change my life for my wife and my kids and rise from the ashes of the disaster that started from gambling i will continue to update this blog regularly with actions, discoveries , thoughts and progress including further insights into my problems. I welcome any comments and suggestions but today i wage war on all the thing that are blighing mine and my familys life and will fight with every breath in me to change and beat my demons!

      I hope my story reaches out and helps others!

    • #25522
      The Pheonix
      Participant

      So here we go day 2 of when i can honestly say no gambling, my tablets reduced by 2 yesterday so taken 16 instead of the 18 the day before! which granted is a lot still but at least its improvement instead of getting worse, my weight currently 18stone 4lb and i have started dieting today. Im going to live my life properly and after i have things in order and i have a relatively clean slate i’m going to live an honest and true life with no lying no sneaking no watching my back no being unreliable and lying about where i was or where i am. the energy drinks are going to be reduced fom 4-6 per day and i’m going to sleep properly instead of staying up all hours trying to find things i can do to put right the shit i’ve caused myself and everyone else! but mostly i’m going to find a way to move on and forgive myself i can’t do anthing about what i’ve done but i can do something about what i am going to do, i have a blank page and it’s me that writes the next chapter!

      Luckily i have just earned promotion to Project Manager at work which is something i really happy about but i’ve already missed time off through trying to put my mistakes right trying to sell things to get money back i’ve lost.

      I know the aditional things i’ve put on thier to relatively new gambling addicts they will be thinking what’s all the drug addiction and overeating etc got to do with gambling adiction. Hopefully it won’t become apparent to new gambling adicts that your life becomes out of control in more than just a financial sense you take on a completely new persona and your a completely different person and do things you wouldn’t normally you are on a mission to self destruct and if you are addicted to gambling or anything else there’s a good chance you could become addicted to anything!

      Looking back everything i have ever done has become an obsession boxing, fitness, football, paperwork, computer games, work, food! the only difference is some of the obsessions are good and some of them can destroy your life like gambling, tablets, energy drinks, diet pills, wasting money and even i believe i have an addiction to sorting out mess when i’ve created and firefighting it’s a high to get out of trouble.

      But i have to change and i will change onwards and upwards for the Pheonix on day two!

    • #25523
      vera
      Participant

      Welcome to GT , Phoenix!
      The weekends are quiet here so expect more responses on Monday!
      I was amazed at your story! You sure have some bitter-sweet memories associated with gambling, and as you point out in your second post, when we become indisciplined in one area of our lives, it has on a knock on effect to every other area.
      Gambling makes us selfish, deceitful, preoccupied with our own needs, sluggish regarding diet and exercise. Our daily routines become chaotic and it is not unusual for a CG to resort to comfort eating and self medicating. We can spend our lives escaping and looking for new “crutches” or, like you are doing, we can start again. Its not easy, but it is possible to begin a new life.
      Just one thing struck me from your posts. You seem to be taking on a lot all in one go! Would you ever consider going into rehab, e g Gordan House?
      You are still a young man Phoenix and I applaud you for posting your story here. You have my support and admiration!
      ONE DAY AT A TIME IS THE ONLY WAY!
      Keep posting!

    • #25524
      HappaTheSmall2
      Participant

      It is interesting that me too I am too obsessed about everything :O

    • #25525
      The Pheonix
      Participant

      Thank you for your responses vera and HappaTheSmall2 i’ve been tested today i would like to start by saying in terms of gambling i had such an urge to gamble! £28 left in my bank, the decision was petrol or gamble £28 and see if i can chase the impossible because in reality if i won £100 £200 or £1000 tomorrow it would be gone plus double getting it back! enough is never enough it’s selling your soul to the devil big win now which will last a few days and then lose treble the amount a spent weeks months years of misery!!

      I’ve resisted today so in terms of gambling that’s one nil to me this time round!

      In terms of everything else i have been struggling the tablets i have started to do something about but it needs focus i’ve explained to the dr they wanted me to take Methodone which i can not do, but i’ve spoken to a Consultant as i still get severe pain but i don’t know whether the pain is now related to withdrawal from the tablets of whether it’s genuine pain.

      The Consultant has referred me to some cousellors due to my guilt about gambling in the past and i broke down in the consultants office explaining everything i’ve done and the chaos that consumes my life and my thoughts. It helps to just log everything i’m thinking on here so it may appear to be in a random format at the moment because i’m just writing it as it comes in my head i know i need to work on important area’s of my life and try to control it. I need to consider my next move before i make it instead of doing things out of impulse which is a gambling trait!

      I’m going to log off now and write a plan including a couple of practical things i can do to help with the following area’s of my life, i know i can’t solve everything at once but if i do a little about all of them at i know i’m working on things and can maybe give myself a bread from the constant criticism and disappointment that i have in myself at the moment!

      Health
      Fitness
      Money
      Family & friends that have been there for me
      Gambling
      Weight

      I need to keep a better track on things and take a bit of time throughout the day to work on me and gather my thoughts!

      Speak soon!

    • #25526
      HappaTheSmall2
      Participant

      I have one Idea that just came up to my mind that might help you.

      My idea is that maybe you just Try so many Things like Working, Sport, doing some activities like idk that you are so exhausted every evening that you just want to go to sleep!? Maybe that works?

      And to your Question Petrol or Gambling: I think you should First Buy all The Things you REALLY Need and then Decide what useful Thing you can do with The remaining money.

      Gambling has a negative Expectation like we probably all know somewhere in our minds. This essentially Means that every Big win will be “covered” by Losses that even exceed that Amount we won.

      That’s True if we Keep playing and The Law of Large Numbers Applies.

      But I think that is The difference between a “controlled” Person (a person that can control his gambling (The Money and Time he spends)) and a Gambler.

      We just Cant stop to Gamble!

      This Means just to be clear that our “Big Wins” are just a Vision of a Future where we end up as a Winner.
      But this Vision is really near-sighted.
      In Fact a gambler won’t stop to Play and he will play until every Dollar is gone.

      So maybe think of every Amount of Money That you Could win like an Amount that you Could lose gambling?

      Maybe we should think of our Future a Little Bit more.
      The Casinos are just deceiving us with their “Jackpots”, their Special offers and what Not.

      In Reality Everyone loses in The end so why bother?

      Do we really wanna get Old sit then at The table with our Kids and respond When they Ask about our past: “I have Spent 30 years of my Life gambling”

      I think The Life is too Sweet to Throw it away like that.
      And it’s all easier Said than done I know that from personal experience but everything is possible just Start with small steps.

      And get The Idea of The Big win Out of your Head. That’s what The Casinos want. And in The end of The Year they are counting The Bills…our Bills ;-(…

      Happathesmall

    • #25527
      Dunc
      Keymaster

      <

      Hi Phoenix thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums.

      Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

      Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

      And on that note….

      I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

      Take care

      The Gambling Therapy Team

      PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

      privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    • #25528
      vera
      Participant

      ‘Hope you are staying focussed and working on your recovery plan, one day at a time. Breaking it down into small “lots” is far less overwhelming than trying to face it all together and deal with it in one go.
      Give us an update when you are ready!
      Remember,
      Rome wasn’t built in a day!!!

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